Do you have a 'favorite' child?

[BeccaB-D]

Yesterday a friend of us was visiting us and we where talking about our children, she has 3 children and she said she favors her son (middle child) a little more over her two daughters (who are 'daddy's girls')

I told her I don't have a favorite child and love them all the same.
At this point my teens started to laugh, yes I love all of my children very much but... DS7 really is 'mommy's special little boy' (he's also a singleton between 2 sets of twins)
Thinking of this, they might be right :bag (*feeling very guilty now*)

DS7 has always been a very sensitive boy, and really likes being close to his mommy.

I talked about this with my mom, she says it's normal, and she can clearly see I love all my children very much.
I'm an only child so no experience here about how it would feel if your mom 'favored' a sibling.
My teens say they know I love them very much, and since DS7 has no buddy* it's logical mommy is his buddy.

I was curious about the other mothers (and fathers) on this board, do you have a 'favorite' child? and how does this affect your other kid(s)?

(*not the 'buddy system' like the Duggar's have, the 'buddy' is the sibling they like to play/hang around with)

[jren]

My kids are so completely different, at at different stages being 5 years apart, I don't have a favorite. I love the time I spend with them for different reasons. If given a choice of who goes with me on errands, I'll pick my DD because she's older, "easier", and loves to shop with me. My DS is young and in that snuggling phase, which I love.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Probably ds2. He's just so fun and happy. But, it could also be because one is 8 and the other is 3. 3yos are just a different kind of fun than an 8yo. :) We'll see how things play out as they both get older.

Beth

[DietCokeLover]

OT, but I have never seen OP's siggy before. I had no idea anyone on this board had so many kids!!! Awesome!!!!

But to answer question, I don't have a fav child, but there are activities I prefer doing with one child more than the other and vice versa.

[mariza]

I think it's totally normal, though most people don't admit it. I wouldn't say I love one more than the other, but it's clear to most people that I have a "buddy" relationship with DS. DD is very much an "old soul" she's always thinking and very serious most of the time. I call her my little philosopher since she tells me she wants to know everything there is to know. I don't know if it's because of her sensory issues, or maybe her personality (maybe it's the same thing) but she isn't as physically affectionate as DS. If I ask for a kiss, she offers up her forehead for me to kiss it. She does give hugs to those closest to her, but limits it to me, DH, DS, my mom and my brother. That is who she is and I love her for it, in a lot of ways she reminds me of me (stubborn and opinionated and hard to get to know but once you break through, she opens up)
DS is super loving and friendly, he always says everyone is his friend and he loves everyone "except people he doesn't know". He will drop anything he's doing to give someone a hug when the mood strikes. He is such a love bug he actually made up his own word for hug AND kiss. (because the stand alone words just weren't enough!). He is a total charmer at 4 years old and I am such a sucker for it. :love-retry: Maybe it's a mother-son thing, I see DD & DH in much the same way when they are together. Freud would have a lot to say about us I'm sure!

[egoldber]

but there are activities I prefer doing with one child more than the other and vice versa

:yeahthat:

I have to admit I am totally over the toddler/preschool activities. I enjoy having a kid who is old enough to read "real" books (e.g. The Secret Garden, Anne of Green Gables) and watch real movies, and do activities in places that are not kid oriented.

Also, my younger child is very high energy, high needs and super extroverted. I am an introvert and it is really hard for me to be there enough for her sometimes. In this way my older DD and I are very similar in personality. But younger DD is a lot more like DH.

[wellyes]

I always thought my brother was mom's favorite. As a parent, now I see... I was probably right. Parents do have different relationships with each child. And that's OK. We're only human after all.

[MelissaTC]

Yes but I only have one. ;)

[blisstwins]

My mother has a clear favorite (not me) and it is very painful. I was my father's favorite, but we did not live with him. It made my family feel as if we were on teams and I was on the losing side.

My husband's family had favorites to and he was the favored child. It sucked for him to because it has been a wedge between him and his sib. I can totally see why she has the feelings and issues she has, but it has made a bad dynamic in the family.

We have twins and we have worked SO HARD not to have favorites. When they were little we purposely switched off duties so we would not get in the habit of holding, bathing, feeding one child. I will admit that at moments in time I have a favorite, but who it is switches off and is dependent on who is the easier child at any given moment. I do like both of them as people, for very different reasons, so I will continue to work hard to not make them feel as if I care for one more than the other.

[wendibird22]

Not yet. My girls are 3.5 and 16mos and DH and I adore them equally I think. But I do think that favoritism...or the perception of it...is common. If you asked my brother he'd say that I was/am my parents favorite. He and my mom always clashed, he was always in trouble, and I, in his opinion, could do no wrong.

[scriptkitten]

DD is my favorite girl and DS is my favorite boy :)

They are both so special in a different way and I can't say I favor one of them.. DD is more conversational at this point so it feels like she is my special buddy... however, there is just something magical about having a DS. he's like my special boyfriend and its a glimpse into my DH as a child.

[Melaine]

I've spent a whole lot of time avoiding favoritism because it was one of my biggest fears when I found out we were having twins. It sounds awful, but I imagine that my favorite child would probably be any future child that might be born one at a time!

[elephantmeg]

prob DD right now. DS is in the tough 5 year old stage and DD is a really happy 3 year old. She really could be little miss sunshine. She sings constantly, plays babies etc. I find her easier to play with-never quite sure what to do with the immaginext sets etc. BUT I do love DS very, very much and try to do lots of 1:1 stuff with him too. It helps that they are very close and we generally do stuff as the 3 of us.

eta: IMO my brother was my mom's favorite and it showed. Or maybe she just worried more about him.. I dunno

[infomama]

No. There may be a little less stress with dd2 vs dd1 but I don't favor one over the other in the least.

[sidmand]

But to answer question, I don't have a fav child, but there are activities I prefer doing with one child more than the other and vice versa.

Yeah that (on my phone I don't have that cool icon :)).

My mom once told a story of putting me and my sister to bed and my sister was very upset because she thought I was clearly my mom's favorite...and then I complained about her thinking my sister was the favorite! So I think sometimes you can't win as the parent either.

[hellokitty]

I agree, most ppl tend to favor one child, not necessarily on purpose, but it does happen. My mom always favored my youngest brother and my other brother and I knew it and would call her out on it, but she always denied it.

As for me, I think I tend to switch. DS1 has been my favorite for a while. I guess he is more like me, and reminds me of myself when I was a kid, so I can relate to him more. When DS3 arrived, I was smitten with him, but omg he is a horrible toddler right now, I can't believe that such a good baby turned into a two horned little devil upon learning how to walk. I've reverted back to kind of favoring DS1. He is the least brattiest one of my kids. The other two make me want to pull my hair out, that's not to say that he is always good, he has his days, but he is angel compared to his brothers and he is so creative and imaginative, I love it. I don't really treat him any differently, BUT I have a soft spot for him.

[JBaxter]

I can honestly say I do not have a favorite but I do have activities I prefer doing with one son over another. They are all very different kids.

[egoldber]

The other thing is that older DD has a lot of issues: allergies, asthma, anxiety, therapy, etc. We schedule so much of all our family stuff around her and various appointments, I do worry about what message that sends. Not so much now, but in a couple years it is going to be an issue.

[crl]

Hmm. Not really. But I only have the two and they are spaced ao far apart (6 years apart). . . . I was my dad's favorite and my brother was my mom's favorite. S'okay with me. It was very clear they both loved both of us very much. Just different personalities meshing differently.

Catherine

[MoJo]

I love them both, but I'm more "in love" with DD2. I've been more attached to her since before she was born. She's far more affectionate than her sister, is totally bonded to me, and is just now starting to be OK with spending time with other people. I've had to defend her against other family members' mean comments, which probably deepens my connection to her. She's also my more challenging child, so I say I've been given extra love for her because I'm going to need it!

But I interact with DD1 a lot more than DD2, and I (mostly) love this preschool stage. I interact a lot less with DD2 than 1 every day, and interact less with DD2 than I did with DD1 when she was at this age. So far, DD1 doesn't seem to be too jealous of her sister.

DD1 is clearly DH's favorite, but I'm hoping a lot of that is just the stages they are in. I'm actively working on helping him see the good in DD2 and vice versa.

I was the favorite in my family until age 5, just because I was the oldest and a "good girl." After that, I was Dad's favorite. . . and my brother was my mom's favorite. . . and our sister was mom's second favorite.

And my DH was the "forgotten" & "accidental" last child in his family and third boy.

[boogiemomz]

I only have the one, but this issues scares me so much. I am absolutely crazy in love with my DD. Having her with me, inevitable toddler-behavior frustrations notwithstanding, is almost surreal every day. She is SO much fun, so precocious, so amazing, I am just in awe of her. While I would love to think this is just motherhood, I'm sometimes afraid that I just really hit the jackpot with her and I would not feel the same way about another child. I have always wanted more than one, and I still hope to have another one, but when I think about a DC2 I am afraid I just wouldn't feel the same utter, wholehearted, consuming love and affection for him/her that I do for DD. It breaks my heart to think that I might have a child that I feel like I love "less" than my other child, or worse, who feels loved less than his/her sister.

[wellyes]

While I would love to think this is just motherhood, I'm sometimes afraid that I just really hit the jackpot with her and I would not feel the same way about another child. I have always wanted more than one, and I still hope to have another one, but when I think about a DC2 I am afraid I just wouldn't feel the same utter, wholehearted, consuming love and affection for him/her that I do for DD. It breaks my heart to think that I might have a child that I feel like I love "less" than my other child, or worse, who feels loved less than his/her sister.

Aw. If it's any consolation, I think most parents feel this way. But it's true what they say - there is always room for more love in your heart.

[sarahsthreads]

I have a child who speaks to my heart more. I wouldn't say she's my "favorite", and I feel terribly guilty even writing about it, but we do have a much easier relationship.

I have to work harder at my relationship with my oldest than my youngest, but a lot of that is likely age & stage. She's intensely competitive with others as well as herself, which I know is normal for her age, but the whining, crying and moodiness is really getting under my skin lately. I feel like my relationship with her is more work than any relationship I've ever had in my life. But I love her deeply and completely, maybe because our relationship is so very complex.

My youngest has always been more physically affectionate - hugs and kisses and snuggles - and while I joke that she's on the downward slide to three (not exactly my favorite age) she's always been the more easy-going of the two. She's just really easy to love. And I suspect that she speaks my love language. I don't know what it is, because I've never read the book, but whatever it is, she speaks it. I imagine as she grows older, our relationship will become harder and more complex as well, but I don't know if it will ever be quite as hard work, just because we seem to "click" with each other more.

But it's my goal to have a family like my parents managed. My brothers and I all felt like we were special and that no one was the "favorite" even though it was clear that they loved each of us differently.

Sarah :)

[JustMe]

Growing up it was very clear to me my mother favored my sister. She adamantly denied this, although it was clear to me and my sister that it was true. She insisted she loved us exactly the same. The most painful part was that my feelings were not validated and that I was made to feel that I was negative/imaging things.

Now that I am an adult and my mother is gone what I understand is that my mother understood my sister more and had an easier relationship with her than she did with me. My mom did not have the psychological awareness nor the self-reflection to be able to acknowledge this. I think she loved me tons, but it was different than it was with my sister.

As far as me and my 2 children, I love them very differently. I appreciate different things about them and different things are hard with each of them. I do not have the same relationship with each of them. I love them both a ton.

Basically, if you are in a situation when you feel differently to different kids (and I cant imagine this would not be true for almost everyone), I think it is important to acknowledge it and know its okay to have different relationships with different kids. (I dont mean that you should treat them differently).

[kijip]

They each have their strengths and needs. To say I love them both the same is to ignore their vast differences. But I don't love either one of them more than the other.

[KpbS]

I was just thinking about this the other day. Growing up, my brother and I accused my mom of favoring my sister. She always denied it. And in retrospect, I think she tried very hard not to favor any of us and treat us the same. I think she was successful. What we were picking up on (and what is still true to this day) is that she and my sister have a lot more in common personality-wise and have an easier relationship as a result. I don't blame my mom for this or even feel hurt by it. She had no more choice in selecting the personalities of her children than we did in who we were.

[sste]

I read some study that the majority of parents, I believe surveyed in their older years after the kids were grown, confessed a favorite.

I think it is human nature to have a child whose personality appeals to you more . . . but to still love everyone equally.

As for me, I have been thinking about this question. DS is my clear favorite . . . but I think the reason is that you just can't compare a relationship of over three years with a relationship of six months (that is, DD). I think time will sort it out.

[JoyNChrist]

I love them all so much, and the babies are really still too little to show a whole lot of personality, so I can't say that I have a "favorite." But I will say that DS2 is already BY FAR the easiest of my children - he's so happy and easygoing, sleeps well, never fusses. I think he has a lot of DH's temperament (DH is very laid-back and easygoing). If he stays that way, I think he will definitely be my most pleasant child...DS1 and DD have more of a temper and can be more difficult.

[arivecchi]

I do not. I did prefer DS1 for a bit when DS2 was younger but DS2 has quite the personality now and we have our own special relationship as well.

[Clarity]

I have a child who speaks to my heart more. I wouldn't say she's my "favorite", and I feel terribly guilty even writing about it, but we do have a much easier relationship.

I have to work harder at my relationship with my oldest than my youngest, but a lot of that is likely age & stage. She's intensely competitive with others as well as herself, which I know is normal for her age, but the whining, crying and moodiness is really getting under my skin lately. I feel like my relationship with her is more work than any relationship I've ever had in my life. But I love her deeply and completely, maybe because our relationship is so very complex.

My youngest has always been more physically affectionate - hugs and kisses and snuggles - and while I joke that she's on the downward slide to three (not exactly my favorite age) she's always been the more easy-going of the two. She's just really easy to love. And I suspect that she speaks my love language. I don't know what it is, because I've never read the book, but whatever it is, she speaks it. I imagine as she grows older, our relationship will become harder and more complex as well, but I don't know if it will ever be quite as hard work, just because we seem to "click" with each other more.



:yeahthat: I could have written this post.

[goldenpig]

I worried about that when I was pregnant, especially since I was initially hoping for another girl, but now I love them both equally! DD is so smart and always makes us laugh, and DS is always so happy and snuggly. They both have their special place in my heart. :love5:

On the other hand, I read this article (http://www.parenting.com/blogs/show-and-tell/i-love-my-son-more-my-daughter) (here's the original blog post (http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/03/15/mom-confession-i-think-i-love-my-son-a-little-bit-more/?cid=plusblog)) and I can't believe she posted that. Her daughter is going to look herself up on the web someday and see that her mom posted that she loves her son more than her. If you feel that way, fine, but keep it private. Don't post it on the web with her name and her picture for all eternity! :6:

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I only have the one, but this issues scares me so much. I am absolutely crazy in love with my DD. Having her with me, inevitable toddler-behavior frustrations notwithstanding, is almost surreal every day. She is SO much fun, so precocious, so amazing, I am just in awe of her. While I would love to think this is just motherhood, I'm sometimes afraid that I just really hit the jackpot with her and I would not feel the same way about another child. I have always wanted more than one, and I still hope to have another one, but when I think about a DC2 I am afraid I just wouldn't feel the same utter, wholehearted, consuming love and affection for him/her that I do for DD. It breaks my heart to think that I might have a child that I feel like I love "less" than my other child, or worse, who feels loved less than his/her sister.

i think this feeling is totally normal,if it makes you feel any better, i had the same exact fear when i just had DS. my DS was/is a relatively easy-going baby for the most part, and i wwas just head over heels in love with him, i simply couldn't imagine loving another child as much. when i was pg with my DD i totally worried about this too bc during the pregnancy i had no time at all to do any of the things i did with DS in utero (take baby bump pics, write in pregnancy journal, read baby stories), bc i was so busy chasing after my son. so i was feeling my DD was already getting shortchanged, even before she was born.

but when my DD was born, those fears went away.as wellyes said, there's always more room for love in your heart. :) with my DD i felt instantly bonded to her, actually i think i felt a stronger bond with her right away, probably because there was less anxiety re: the borth since it was our 2nd. and DH & I were just talking about how these days we are enjoying the newborn stage way, way more now with her than we ever did with DS, even though things are way harder now since we have a toddler to take care of and we don't have nearly as much help (grandparents) as we did before. with the 2nd baby we have a lot less anxiety and more confidence and that IMO seems to make up for the excitement, novelty, and undivided attention that comes with the first baby.

as PP said, it's hard to compare bc they're different ages and have different needs. i know i don't have an overall favorite, but sure there are instances i'd rather be with one vs. the other just bc one of them is easier in some way. like after taking DS to the supermarket by myself yesterday i was so ready to unload him on DH when i got home bc i was sooo tired of saying "no, you can't have that balloon. no, dont' throw that. no, put that back. " etc etc. but then when i've been with my DD all evening and she's been screaming, doesn't want to be put down and has having explosive poops here and there, i go ask DH if we can switch and i can be with DS, who is relatively easy to play with (i don't have to be constantly changing diapers or nursing, giving him a bath is a piece of cake,etc).

[Tondi G]

I think because I have only 2 kids it is hard to say I have a "favorite". My boys are so different, I love different things about them. They both also know how to drive me up the wall. I have my big guy, my 1st born, who is dependable and witty and funny... and then I have my little dude who can be so tender and sweet (he's my cuddle bug) and then completely nuts the next minute, but he's my baby.

I guess there are no favorites around here at this point.

[HIU8]

I would not say I favor one over the other. I do have a different relationship with DS than DD though. DS has different needs and DD is way more independent. I tend to gravitate to helping DS more, but then DD and I do spend a great deal of "girl" time together. I totally know where your friend is coming from though. I was and still am my mother's favorite. She did not and still does not get along with my sister and my brother and my mother rarely speak.

[deborah_r]

No, they both drive me equally crazy! ;)

[hellokitty]

no, they both drive me equally crazy! ;)
:rotflmao:

[gatorsmom]

Sometimes I have a favorite, sometimes not, if that makes any sense. I love them all the same all the time, but I get along with some better than others at different ages and stages. I was thinking aboutthis about a year ago and acknowledged that I was just enjoying cha cha so much. But he's going through a frustrating phase right now that I have getting frustrates with. Sisi, on the other hand has been a lot of fun lately and I'm starting to enjoy her much more. So yeah, sometimes I really like one kid more than another but it seems to go in phases.

[deborah_r]

I only have the one, but this issues scares me so much. I am absolutely crazy in love with my DD. Having her with me, inevitable toddler-behavior frustrations notwithstanding, is almost surreal every day. She is SO much fun, so precocious, so amazing, I am just in awe of her. While I would love to think this is just motherhood, I'm sometimes afraid that I just really hit the jackpot with her and I would not feel the same way about another child. I have always wanted more than one, and I still hope to have another one, but when I think about a DC2 I am afraid I just wouldn't feel the same utter, wholehearted, consuming love and affection for him/her that I do for DD. It breaks my heart to think that I might have a child that I feel like I love "less" than my other child, or worse, who feels loved less than his/her sister.

I remember feeling this way before DS2. I was so worried about it - I am sure I posted about it here too. I couldn't imagine where the love would come from for DS2 - I thought for sure some would have to take away from my love for DS1 to give to DS2. So not true! It's funny to me, but also sad, that most of us (if not all) spent/spend time worrying our parents loved a sibling more...because for me it is just a non-issue. It's not a thought on my radar at all. I can't put it into words, but it's like they are just part of me, and the love is just there, and I don't think about it. The only thing I can think of, is sometimes I am more aware that I have "known" DS1 longer and feel closer to him for the fact that we have been through more together, but that balances out with the excitement of DS2 learning or doing those things for the first time, or even better the things he does that DS1 never did or did differently!

Now, I think it goes in fits and spurts which one I prefer to take to the store, take to the park, sit and read books to, play board games with, just depending on what stage they are in. But it never enters my mind as a favoritism thing, just more practical as to who does better in that situation.

[boogiemomz]

I remember feeling this way before DS2. I was so worried about it - I am sure I posted about it here too. I couldn't imagine where the love would come from for DS2 - I thought for sure some would have to take away from my love for DS1 to give to DS2. So not true! It's funny to me, but also sad, that most of us (if not all) spent/spend time worrying our parents loved a sibling more...because for me it is just a non-issue. It's not a thought on my radar at all. I can't put it into words, but it's like they are just part of me, and the love is just there, and I don't think about it. The only thing I can think of, is sometimes I am more aware that I have "known" DS1 longer and feel closer to him for the fact that we have been through more together, but that balances out with the excitement of DS2 learning or doing those things for the first time, or even better the things he does that DS1 never did or did differently!

Now, I think it goes in fits and spurts which one I prefer to take to the store, take to the park, sit and read books to, play board games with, just depending on what stage they are in. But it never enters my mind as a favoritism thing, just more practical as to who does better in that situation.

What a lovely post. That makes me feel better! :)

[Binkandabee]

This really isn't something I can relate to at all. I can with all honesty say that I love my children equally....even though they are 5 years apart...and even though they are as different as night and day. DD#1 is a dinosaur loving tomboy and DD#2 is a frilly dress wearing princess. They couldn't be more different if they tried....but yet, I love them both exactly the same. There are certainly times when one or the other frustrates me more, but that has nothing to do with the love I feel for them.

Perhaps I am able to feel this way because I was the product of a household that had a favorite. My Mom favored my brother over me. I knew it and I still know it to this day. I flat out refuse to do that to my children because of the feelings on inadequacy it caused and the relationship destruction it caused between my brother and I. I was the unfavored child, and believe me when I say this...if you feel differently it will be blatantly obvious to your children...even if you deny it. Kids pick up on those clues pretty easily. I think I was 7 years old when I famously told my Mom "Lucas (my brother) is your honey sweet and I am just a piece of poop!" We laugh about it now, but even at 7 I had enough insight to know the truth.


I know 100% that my Mom loves me and we do have a good relationship...but I also know 100% that she loves my brother just a little more. For much of the same reasons that many of you (and the blogger in fact) have posted. He was the cuddly snuggly little guy that needed Mama and I was the independent and defiant one. These are our personalities even to this day. My brother still needs my Mom more than I do. He can't make a single decision without consulting her first. And despite trying as hard as I can, I still feel like anything I do is never good enough for my mom.

As for my brother and I...we really don't have much of a relationship at all. I resent him and it is a resentment that I cannot get past. So, he and I talk every few weeks, we see each other at holidays and that is it. This is especially sad since we live on 30 minutes apart.

I refuse to do this to my children. Flat out refuse. So, I am extremely careful in my parenting that I do not do anything that might indicate favoritism. This is extremely hard at my children's ages (2 and 7) because the 2 year old doesn't understand much of what the 7 year old does and the 7 year old doesn't understand why the 2 year old gets a pass on some bad behaviors or doesn't have the same responsibilities.

[DrSally]

I think it's impossible to "love all your children exactly the same". They're each different people, right? I think it's totally normal to love each child a little differently, which is NOT to say "unequally", KWIM?

[DrSally]

I only have the one, but this issues scares me so much. I am absolutely crazy in love with my DD. Having her with me, inevitable toddler-behavior frustrations notwithstanding, is almost surreal every day. She is SO much fun, so precocious, so amazing, I am just in awe of her. While I would love to think this is just motherhood, I'm sometimes afraid that I just really hit the jackpot with her and I would not feel the same way about another child. I have always wanted more than one, and I still hope to have another one, but when I think about a DC2 I am afraid I just wouldn't feel the same utter, wholehearted, consuming love and affection for him/her that I do for DD. It breaks my heart to think that I might have a child that I feel like I love "less" than my other child, or worse, who feels loved less than his/her sister.

I felt similarily--I love DS so much, how could I love another child as much? Don't worry, it happens.

[new_mommy25]

It has been often said that I am my Mother's favorite. I don't think that is true, but I do know that I am the "easiest" out of all my siblings. My Mom has a very intense personality and I can handle it a little better than my siblings do. But I don't think she has a favorite, we just get along really well. It is clear that our mother loves us all very much and would bend over backwards for any of us. I don't think my Dad has a favorite either, but I do think he tended to favor the three girls over my brother.

SIL (only girl out of 4 boys and youngest child) is the obvious favorite of MIL and it has caused some VERY hurt feelings. In fact, DH has almost no relationship with SIL largely due to her attitude and the way she is still continually babied even as an adult, by both MIL and FIL. DH has always been FIL's favorite because of athletics, but none of that matters since FIL treats them all mostly the same. FIL will not get in any arguments between DH and SIL, but MIL will always take SIL's side regardless of who is right/wrong. BTW, MIL has always refused to admit that she has a favorite.

Because of the relationships I see between DH's family, and the hurt SIL's favoritism has caused, it has impressed upon me the importance to never have an obvious favorite. Naturally I love my girl because she is very girly and so much like me in personality, but she is also very strong willed and difficult. I love to do girl time with her. DS is so, so easy to love because he is so affectionate and wonderful and all kinds of good stuff. So for now, I don't have a favorite and probably never will, but I love them in different ways and like doing different things with both of them.

[smilequeen]

I don't know that I have a favorite. I love all 3 of them with everything I have in me. But I mesh really well with my middle son at the moment. He is so easygoing and charming. I enjoy hanging out wiht my oldest because of his maturity and the things he can do. And I spend the most time with my youngest obviously. I think that it will change all the time and they will all have situations where they might be the kid I'd most like to have along.

I really never felt like my parents had favorites, but I can see that my dad and brother mesh well and my mom and I mesh well.

[Uno-Mom]

My child tally is exactly "1" so far but ... there are moments when I really, really like Sprog and think she's the most awesome person to be with. Then there are the Other Moments.

So my momentary feelings towards my single kiddo fluctuate but my love doesn't. I can imagine that applied to two kids living at different stages with different personalities...you bet there will be phases when I "Like" one child more than the other. No worries there.

I think maybe part of this discussion is a mix-up of "like" (which fluctuates) and "love" (which doesn't).

[citymama]

OT, but I have never seen OP's siggy before. I had no idea anyone on this board had so many kids!!! Awesome!!!!



Me neither! How could we have missed that? 16 kids? You tell us, we'll just listen. :bowdown:

[BeccaB-D]

I think it's impossible to "love all your children exactly the same". They're each different people, right? I think it's totally normal to love each child a little differently, which is NOT to say "unequally", KWIM?
:yeahthat:

All of my children have something special I just love so much about them:
- DS1 is a great musician, he plays piano, guitar, drums, loves rock music can play almost everything he want's to, he loves to play while his sister DD2 sings.
- DS2 is becoming a ladies man, trying to look at his best impressing the girls at the skate park with cool tricks and his 'prince charming' act.
- DD1 is becoming such an amazing young woman, very social, independent, she knows what she want's in life and is not afraid to follow her dreams, she is very brave and not afraid to speak up not just for herself, but for others as well.
- DS3 is great at sports, baseball, basketball, soccer, he loves it. He is a great teamplayer, he loves to play with his siblings.
- DD2 Loves crafts as much as I do, we love to scrapbook together and talk about all kinds of little things, make jokes, just have fun, she loves singing and making music with DS1
- DS4 Loves comic books and video games, he is great at drawing and writing stories, especially drawing and writing his own comic book stories.
- DD3 loves horses, riding, grooming, I haven't been riding for a few months now, and I kinda miss this, I love watching DD3 ride, she is great with animals and want's to be a vet when she grows up.
- DS5 loves to spend outside, he is very funny, very sweet and social, always ready to help out when you ask him, and he has a great smile, it just cheers up your whole day.
- DD4 is a little princess, little bossy simetimes, but so sweet, she only wears dresses (I can't get her to wear pants) and loves the color pink, she looks a lot like DS5, they have the same smile, she loves ballet.
- DS6 is our naughty boy, he loves to spend time outside, climbing trees, rolling in the mud, It's almost impossible too keep him clean. He loves collecting rocks, twigs, leaves, bugs and mud (lot's of mud, all over the house) He hated to read until we bought him a stack of books about nature, he loves exploring and knows a lot about nature, plants, animals, weather and more and loves telling me all about it.
- DD5 Loves to play with her dolls, she has a lot of dolls, she loves taking them everywhere in her dollstroller and carrier, giving them baths, dressing them up, very sweet.
- DD6 Looks a lot like her twin sister, she loves pretend play but not just her dolls, also their playkitchen, playing dress up and playing with her brothers.
- DS7 is a 'mommy's boy' he is very shy and sensitive and likes to be close to me, he also loves Buzz Lightyear and his new baby sister. He looks a lot like my DH, the same smile, all of the kids look like Joe but DS7 looks like his father even more then his siblings, the same smile, the same eyes.
- DS8 or 'prince charming' he is like a smaller version of DS2, loves to be carried around by his older siblings, is the center of attention, very funny.
- DS9 is also such a little cuddle boy, although he is not such an attention seeker as his twin brother, DS8 provides the distraction while DS9 does something naughty (like steeling cookies from the table)
- DD7 is our new baby, our little girl, only a week old. I love nursing her and seeing my husband holding her. DD7 loves being carried around and being held by her siblings, such and easy baby.

[BeccaB-D]

Me neither! How could we have missed that? 16 kids? You tell us, we'll just listen. :bowdown:

DH and I lived in a small and VERY religious community.
No birth control allowed or even available, and DH and I just happened to be very fertile.

[klwa]

I don't know that I really have a favorite now. (Honestly, I don't think I do.) There are things about each that I love & things about each that drive me batty. :) However, my mom showed a preference to my middle brother, mainly because she was a middle child. She didn't want him to experience "middle child syndrome", so it seemed like whatever he wanted he got. It wasn't a bad thing, but I had fun calling her out on it when I was growing up. :)

[MoJo]

DH and I lived in a small and VERY religious community.
No birth control allowed or even available, and DH and I just happened to be very fertile.

Do I count FOUR sets of twins? :bowdown:

[amldaley]

I haven't read the other posts, so my apologies if this is a repeat!

I don't think favoring one child and having a favorite are the same thing.

You may favor one child, or show special attentions because that child needs it or wants it more. You can do that and still love all your kids equally.

Honestly, if I thought I would end up having a favorite, I would reconsider having a second one.

[KHF]

I worried about that when I was pregnant, especially since I was initially hoping for another girl, but now I love them both equally! DD is so smart and always makes us laugh, and DS is always so happy and snuggly. They both have their special place in my heart. :love5:


:yeahthat: My "vision" for our family had always been 2 daughters...I don't know why. Maybe because I didn't have a sister (I was the oldest with 2 younger brothers). Now, I can honestly say that I could not imagine life without my DS. Both of my children are so alike and so different at the same time. DD is so intelligent, caring and playful. DS is a complete menace, but so endearing that while he's tearing the house apart, you just have to laugh!

I think it helps that they both adore each other too. I could not choose between them even if forced.

For those who wonder if they could possibly have enough love for another child, I can assure you that you can!

[hellokitty]

I don't know that I really have a favorite now. (Honestly, I don't think I do.) There are things about each that I love & things about each that drive me batty. :) However, my mom showed a preference to my middle brother, mainly because she was a middle child. She didn't want him to experience "middle child syndrome", so it seemed like whatever he wanted he got. It wasn't a bad thing, but I had fun calling her out on it when I was growing up. :)

That's interesting about your mom favoring your middle brother. My mil is constantly on my case about how I have to treat DS2, "extra special" b/c he is the middle child?!?! I was stumped as to why this was so important to her (she had two kids and openly favors my DH, who is the youngest). Every time we see her, she has to make a huge deal about this. The thing is, DS2 is a major attn hog and out of my 3 kids, he commands the most attn anyway. I actually feel bad for DS1, b/c his two younger brothers take up so much of our time and energy, I feel like he doesn't get as much attn, and since I was the oldest out of three, that was the way I felt too growing up.

[MamaMolly]

MIL's grandmother had 14 children. When ever she was asked if she had a favorite, she said 'Yes. Which ever one is the sickest.' :)

[m448]

The book Siblings Without Rivalries really explains the "speaks to the heart" concept Sarahsthreads mentioned very well. They mention that not necessarily favorites but that a parent will have a child who speaks to their heart and usually resonates with their experience more than the other. However it goes on that it's the parent's job to recognize that and then make the effort to "meet" the other children where they are whether to stretch themselves to try something new that the other child enjoys and will fill their love tank. The chapter on how kids want to be loved and "fairness" is eye opening too.

I do have one child that resonates a bit more with me but like Katie mentioned I don't love one more than the other.

To those who are afraid of having a second I'll add to the chorus of "it'll pass". That fear is so intense, so based in parental instinct to protect but once you have the second you'll see it's definitely not real.

[sarahsthreads]

The book Siblings Without Rivalries really explains the "speaks to the heart" concept Sarahsthreads mentioned very well. They mention that not necessarily favorites but that a parent will have a child who speaks to their heart and usually resonates with their experience more than the other. However it goes on that it's the parent's job to recognize that and then make the effort to "meet" the other children where they are whether to stretch themselves to try something new that the other child enjoys and will fill their love tank. The chapter on how kids want to be loved and "fairness" is eye opening too.

Thank you! I couldn't for the life of me remember where I had heard/read that phrase, but I read that book a few years ago (while I was still pregnant with DD2!) I think I should probably re-read it now that the girls are bigger.

If I remember right, there's an example in the book about how different responses to the question "Mom, who do you love more?" resonate with your child - if you say "I love you both equally" they're likely to assume you're lying because they're smart enough to know you *can't* love two different people exactly the same. What they want to hear is something more along the lines of "I love you each for who you are. You are my one and only Carolyn and you are so special to me." Or something like that - it's been a while. And clearly you have to be sincere and truthful in what you say, or they pick up on that too!

Sarah :)

[m448]

Yup that book is amazing. Like the example of a kid who's mom is buying him socks but the sister wants some too even though she doesn't need them. The daughter is basically asking "do you love me too?" by asking for things she doesn't need and likely doesn't want. I have no problem telling my kids "you don't need this right now but when you do we'll buy some for you as well" and they see it. They see that we try to meet their true needs (both physically and emotionally) vs. what they sometimes feel they need to even things out.

Right now I need to do a refresher with the CD for How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk.

[Corie]

I have a child who speaks to my heart more. I wouldn't say she's my "favorite", and I feel terribly guilty even writing about it, but we do have a much easier relationship.

I have to work harder at my relationship with my oldest than my youngest, but a lot of that is likely age & stage. She's intensely competitive with others as well as herself, which I know is normal for her age, but the whining, crying and moodiness is really getting under my skin lately. I feel like my relationship with her is more work than any relationship I've ever had in my life. But I love her deeply and completely, maybe because our relationship is so very complex.

My youngest has always been more physically affectionate - hugs and kisses and snuggles - and while I joke that she's on the downward slide to three (not exactly my favorite age) she's always been the more easy-going of the two. She's just really easy to love. And I suspect that she speaks my love language. I don't know what it is, because I've never read the book, but whatever it is, she speaks it. I imagine as she grows older, our relationship will become harder and more complex as well, but I don't know if it will ever be quite as hard work, just because we seem to "click" with each other more.

But it's my goal to have a family like my parents managed. My brothers and I all felt like we were special and that no one was the "favorite" even though it was clear that they loved each of us differently.

Sarah :)


I love how you worded your post. This is how I feel too.

[R2sweetboys]

I have a child who speaks to my heart more. I wouldn't say she's my "favorite", and I feel terribly guilty even writing about it, but we do have a much easier relationship.

I have to work harder at my relationship with my oldest than my youngest, but a lot of that is likely age & stage. She's intensely competitive with others as well as herself, which I know is normal for her age, but the whining, crying and moodiness is really getting under my skin lately. I feel like my relationship with her is more work than any relationship I've ever had in my life. But I love her deeply and completely, maybe because our relationship is so very complex.

My youngest has always been more physically affectionate - hugs and kisses and snuggles - and while I joke that she's on the downward slide to three (not exactly my favorite age) she's always been the more easy-going of the two. She's just really easy to love. And I suspect that she speaks my love language. I don't know what it is, because I've never read the book, but whatever it is, she speaks it. I imagine as she grows older, our relationship will become harder and more complex as well, but I don't know if it will ever be quite as hard work, just because we seem to "click" with each other more.

But it's my goal to have a family like my parents managed. My brothers and I all felt like we were special and that no one was the "favorite" even though it was clear that they loved each of us differently.

Sarah :)

:yeahthat: to the bolded part. I am blessed to have parents who have always treated my brother, sister, and I fairly and equally. I think it was just natural to them. I really admire that about them and strive to create the same environment for my boys. As adults, my siblings and I don't really fight and don't feel competitive with one another.

I honestly can't stand the idea of parents playing favorites. It is so very hurtful to both the favored and those who are not. DH was noticeably the favorite with his mom and SF. They would never admit that but it's obvious. BIL was always trying to please them but it was never good enough. DH hates it and as a result, he is very close with his brother and neither of them has a good relationship with their parents.

Now I do understand having different types of relationships with different children based on personalities,etc. DS1 is pretty easy going but has always been needy for our attention and to be entertained. DS2 is extremely strong willed and independent, which can also present its challenges. They both are sweet though and I truly do love them equally, even if I have to parent them differently. It is very important to me that my boys feel that.

[salsah]

of course i have a favorite! i love them both, but i have a favorite. i have to work hard to be sure that it doesn't show. dh feels the same way.