If you wanted another DC and your SO did not...

[daisyd]

If you wanted another DC and your SO did not, how did you resolve this?

Here's my situation- DH initially wanted another when DC was a newborn and I did not (I felt content with DC right up to the time he turned 2).But now I find myself thinking one more would be great but DH has changed his mind. He feels we don't have the time/energy for another and it would compromise the care DC gets. I have similar concerns and I know its going to be tough going from 1 to 2 DCs but I feel we've learned the ropes now and we can deal with it.

I just met a woman who says that her marriage went downhill after she talked her reluctant husband into a second child. They ended up having twins and that really strained their relationship. That story worries me.

If you were in a similar situation what did you decide? How did you come to the decision and are you happy with it? I'd love to get some perspective.

Thanks for reading!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Well, there is 5.5 years between our kids because neither of us was ready. I eventually was ready and dh wasn't thrilled but not very opposed to the idea. Sometimes if I complain about something ds2 did or the logistics of family life he will point out that it was my idea to have him. He never really says it in a mean way or anything and our marriage is in good shape. But, I can see that if one person in the marriage really forced the kid issue either way it could be a big problem.

Beth

[MaiseyDog]

I just wanted to say, I feel your pain. I really would like a third, but DH says he is perfectly content with our life now and does not want another child. I really struggle with this as I know that I could probably push enough to get DH to go along with it, but personally, I couldn't bring a child into our family knowing that DH wasn't 100% on board with the idea. For us, that is just opening the door to resentment and problems. I have to keep in mind that my desire for a child doesn't trump his desire to not have another. I'm trying to come to terms with the situation, but it's really hard.

[daisyd]

This is how I feel as well. If both of us are'nt on the same page, I don't think its going to work. I feel sad at times, but I can't stop hoping that DH will change his mind.

[Reina]

DS is 19 months old. DH would like to start trying again. Me... Not so much. I love my relationship with DS and don't feel like bringing a new addition to the party at the moment. My body just recently started feeling like it's settling back to normal-ish (not all the way there but better). I am just not ready for the whole experience all over...

[carolinamama]

It's a hard place to be. I've been there. DH was very content with 2, I always thought I'd want 3. Plus we had 2 boys and I wanted one more chance to have a girl. We talked long and hard about it. The discussion was shelved at one point since we just couldn't come to a resolution - there's no happy medium to that one, ya know? I couldn't have gone ahead with it (sneakily, I guess?) if DH wasn't on board though.

Eventually we went for it (see siggy) and while DH isn't ecstatic, he is happy about it. He's never felt bonded with a child until birth, and then he just melts so I'm not worried. He acts no differently than any other pregnancy. Quite frankly, our relationship has taken a dip after the birth of both of our boys, but we've always been able to get back to a good place since we are both committed to it.

[PMJ]

This is how I feel as well. If both of us are'nt on the same page, I don't think its going to work. I feel sad at times, but I can't stop hoping that DH will change his mind.


We are in the same boat. I've honestly kind of giving up trying/ asking DH about it... It makes me very very sad :( but I just keep thinking about how wonderful DD is, and try to think about the POSITIVES one child has to offer....

good luck.

[wendmatt]

We did try for a while but then DH decided enough was enough and he didn't want another (he didn't want another in the first place) he has some depression issues and a list of good reasons not to have another. It was a long battle for me to accept , felt sad for a long time, but I know he was right and I love our family with just DD. Sometimes I feel sad for not having another but mostly now she's 8, it's just fine.
Not sure if I helped because here DH won out!

[daisyd]

Thanks everyone for your replies and your support. I'd stoppped checking this thread as didnt get much of much of a response initially and I was feeling so alone with this (thanks PMJ for your PM it alerted me). I too am trying to focus on the positives of having just one DC and I do worry about my not having enough time for more than one DC and thening them as a parent, so...

For everyone who's battling this, I wish you peace and the right and happy resolution for you.

Congrats carolinamama, so happy for you!!!Hugs.

[HIU8]

Honestly, we didn't go ahead with it. I wanted, and still want, a third. DH does not. He feels complete with 2. I feel like our family is great, but not yet complete. Between 1 and 2 DH went through a time when he said that 1 was great and we should not go on. I went ape #@$#@ on him (I really did). We had discussed and agreed on having more than 1 child. I was ready to leave him over that.

[cleo27]

I totally understand how you feel. My story is really similar to wendmatt's. My DH also has some depression/mental issues and feels like another child is more than he can handle. He has said over the years that he will try to come around, and we have talked with his therapist about it but honestly it has gotten to the point that I have really just given up after going around and around so many times. I don't want to force the issue and put more strain on our relationship.

I do get sad sometimes and it has been really hard for me to put the issue to rest, but as time goes on it does get easier, particularly now that DD is almost 7. It is hard when she tells me that she would like a baby sister, and gets sad when I told her our family would probably not have any more kids. Luckily she does not bring it up often at all. I do think she gets a little lonely sometimes, but overall is very well adjusted.

Cleo
Mama to DD, 6/2004