Wondering about BTDT with spouses living in two different states?

[sidmand]

On purpose.

DH's work experience would be much better put to use in someplace like DC. He also might have an interview next week in NY.

For a variety of reasons I really don't want to move, at least for awhile. I may change my mind but both DCs have some special needs that are being addressed really well by our town. I'm pretty shy but I actually know quite a lot of people here and don't really relish the idea of starting over. Both of our families are mainly in this state too. And DH has a history (which he knows) of not staying with a job for a long period of time so I'd hate to move states only for him to leave!

But we went through a rough patch last year and are in a fairly good place right now and I don't want to upset the apple cart. Is this going to be a massive mistake? He is looking to come home at least every weekend and ideally he's looking to maybe work somewhere else for 1-2 weeks and then at home/virtually for 1-2 weeks (which is possible in his field).

Any advice on what to look for, look out for, if it's just a bad idea?

I'd really love for him to be happy in his job and I think he's finally figured out what that would be and it seems more likely he's going to find it somewhere else. I'm not going to lie, our two kids have been a handful lately and the though of being the sole provider 24/7 at least during the week scares the heck out of me. But we do have a decent network of people and help...I don't always ask for help when I need it but it's there if I would be better about requesting.

[AnnieW625]

DH and I spent more time apart than we were together before we got married and we were fine with that but honestly once we got married we decided that it would be best if we lived in the same area for the long haul so if one of us got a job in another area we'd both move. Of course there are things like staying until a house sells or military service but other than that I don't know if it really works in the long haul.

[khalloc]

I havent done that but I wouldnt do it. I would hate for my kids to be apart from their father all week on a regular basis. My husband occasionally travels for work and they miss him so much when he is gone for more than 1-2 nights. Also, if you guys already worked out a rough patch, I dont see how being apart on a regular basis is going to help things.

[geochick]

Dh and I did this for 6 months while I finished graduate school, and he had to move for work. It was hard. One of us would drive 7 hours each weekend to be with the other. That's a lot of driving! We didn't have kids at the time, and that would have made it even harder. Are you certain your kids with special needs wouldn't be able to find services in the new place?

Long story short...I'd do it for 6 months or less. After that, my family being together is much more important to me than a house, a school, a program, a job, etc. Decide your priority, and try it out.

[JoyNChrist]

We've done this several times for DH's job, although they were usually short term projects (like 2 weeks off, 1 week home, for a period of 3-4 months). It wasn't too bad when we just had DS1, but I don't think I could do it now.

Do y'all like to talk to one another on the phone? I think that was the hardest part for us - neither of us likes to talk on the phone, so we would feel really disconnected when he was gone, since we couldn't seem to find anything to say to each other when we'd talk. But then he'd come home and we'd have all these stories to tell. We're weird, lol.

[crl]

DH was stationed overseas early in our marriage for a year. I chose not to go because if I had gone he would have been there for three years, but deployed for 18 months of it. So our total time apart was less with me staying stateside. Also I wanted to work in my field and that was not possible at his duty station.

It was hard, but doable. BUT we did not have kids. And the first few months back together were hard too, we had to readjust to being together.

I am not sure what I would do in your circumstances. The thing that stands out to me is that you expect him to change jobs. Will he ever come back to where you are now?

Catherine

[MoJo]

We did it for a few months pre-kids. Because my DH also had a long history of short terms with various employers, I said I wasn't going to leave my family/support until he had been stable for at least a year. But then my job was in jeopardy, and he found the perfect job for me where he was. . . and I moved. My family thought it was a big mistake for me to move sooner than I originally said, but I would have lost my job where I was, and I'm actually still at the perfect job he found for me here almost eight years ago.

We considered doing it again post kids (he's had at least five jobs since he moved here, one total career change, and considered another career change). We didn't because he ultimately didn't switch careers. I panicked about it the first time (because I was in a difficult pregnancy, and I really haven't developed much of a new support network here) but now would be OK with it.

Assuming he's on the same page, I'd be with you and want to stay where you are until you find out if the new job situation is going to "stick."

[Gena]

DH and I lived in different states for 6 months. This was about 4 years ago and was very difficult on all of us.

We lived in MI at the time but decided to move to DH's hometown in OH. He owned his house there, but was renting to SIL, who lived there with her BF and their kids. DH found a job here much quicker than we expected and they wanted him to start right away. So DH moved into his Mom's basement while SIL looked for a new place to live. After SIL and her family moved out, the house needed some renovations. Due to time and money constraints, the renovations went slowly. In the meantime, DS and I finished out the lease on our apartment and then stayed with my parents.

DH and I were about 5 hours away from each other. At first, DH came back every weekend, but it was exhausting for him to be working full time, working on the house, and traveling every weekend. So DS and I went there a lot. For most of the time, we probably ended up seeing other about every other weekend.

We bought a camcorder and a portible DVD player. I made videos of DS and mailed them to DH. We also made a DVD of DH reading some of DS's favorite books, so he could watch and hear Daddy. I made both DH and DS special photo albums of our favorite pictures. DS and I looked at these pictures every night.

It was during this time that I began to have serious concerns about DS's development. DH was in complete disagreement, but he wasn't there to see what I was seeing. DH missed a lot in understanding DS's development - both his accomplishsments and his missed milestones. It took a long time for DH and DS to fully reconnect. To this day DH regrets missing that time.

We got through it, but it's not something I would want to do again.

[infocrazy]

Not the same, but DH and I are off-shift. It really sucks. During the week, I have to do it all. Homework, activities, bed time, etc... We barely see each other and although I think we are still in a good place, it has really taken it's toll on our relationship because we simply just don't see each other and when we do on the weekends, we have so much stuff that we didn't get to do during the weeks, errands, projects, etc... that it seems like no one ever has any down time to just hang out.

The silver lining of course is a reduction in daycare, but I wouldn't choose this schedule if I could. DS1 won't see DH during the week once he starts school full time next year and I think that will be a pretty big impact.

[sidmand]

Someone mentioned that I expect him to change jobs...not necessarily but DH has had seven jobs in nine years. Not such a great track record! But I think he's figured that out and we are all hopeful that the next job could be the last one. But because of that track record, I don't want to uproot us if it turns out that we don't need to. Plus that would actually put more stress on DH because he would feel so guilty that he uprooted us that he'd feel like he had to stay even if he didn't want to—YKWIM?

And I'm not saying that DCs wouldn't get good services somewhere else, but DS has done amazingly well here and I would hate to change that unless absolutely necessary. I've heard of people who had to battle to get services and we didn't. We were very lucky though. And DD got services in large part because they knew DS and our family.

DH often doesn't see DCs during the week anyway because he leaves before they get up and gets home after they go to bed. So that wouldn't change so much. I know it would be very hard. And like someone mentioned, we're horrible on the phone for some reason so we'd have to figure that out too.

DH isn't 100% sold on the idea though. We've talked about it in theory but it hadn't come up in actuality until now.

My job (if it stays around, which is another if) is portable though. I have my own business that doesn't really matter where I'm located.

Thanks for everyone's perspective. It does give a lot to think about.

[crl]

I hear you on the services. I have moved with ds on an iep three times. Mostly we have been really lucky, but it does add a whole other dimension to moving.

Are you thinking dh would go for a trial period and if he likes the job, then you would follow? Or are you thinking this would essentially be permanent?

Catherine

[eh613c]

I think your priority here is your kids. How will they handle not having Dad home all the time? Yes, he'll be there during the weekends and the week that he'll be working virtually but will that be enough? Being the sole provider for DC 24/7 is not easy and although you have a good network of support, it's not the same if it's not your DH.

If you do decide to move forward, you need to have a sit with your DH and talk about your expectations, how you'll communicate, how you'll handle DC issues and house issues (e.g. pipe broke) and at what point do you say you need to find another job where you're here with us.

[Ceepa]

As pp asked, are you considering a trial period before joining him or is this permanent? Commuting every week from NY wouldn't be bad, but from DC would be unworkable unless he flew every week and that could be cost-prohibitive.

[maestramommy]

No BTDT but one of my uncles is doing this. He stayed behind with the kids, and DW went to work in another state. I'm telling you it is ROUGH on a marriage. They've been married for almost 25 years.

My parents lived apart for almost 2 years. My dad in Taiwan and my mom stateside. It was fine while they were apart, but the adjustment period was pretty rough when he came back. When a couple lives apart for extended period, lack of empathy builds up. It's not because they're bad people or selfish, or even from lack of trying. But when you're not with someone you just lose sight of whatever the other one is going through. Plus, both parties get used to doing things their own way, and resent having to change it when lives come back together.

If dh suddenly got a job in another state there's no way I would allow us to live apart longer than it took to sell our house or do something about it, and get settled in a new home, even if we were renting. You might want to start looking into the special ed services in the area you DH is interested in. We've been living here almost 3 years, and I'm just starting to make real friends. but I'd rather do it all over again than live apart from dh for God knows how long.

:hug: I know it feels like either choice would suck.

ETA: sorry, just read your next post. Like pp said, would it be possible to do a trial period, and if looks like the job is permanent, to then pack up and move?

[Fairy]

If you're me or you're the thousands of Americans who have spouses who travel during the week for work, then this is really no big deal and becomes your every day normal. My DH is away Monday thru Thursday. Sometimes if it's a far client he's assigned to, then he leaves Sunday nights. He's home every weekend. Been like this for 12 years.

Now, there are perks here. A) We don't pay for travel. Unless it's a couple hundred bucks, we just don't pay, we use miles/hotel points/free car rental rewards. That's a huge perk. B) When DS was born, DH took 6 solid weeks off with pay cuz he banked them all up and was able to take them together. That's alot of weeks to be home with me. C) DH is home three solid days and not working. If he were working locally, he'd get maybe bedtime with him daily and that's it. Not that much time difference. So, he actually gets more time with DS than he would otherwise. For us, this is big.

Now, again, DH comes home every weekend,a nd that's key. It sounds like it would be the same for you. If it would literally be two different homes and you'd not see each other consistently weekly or bi-weekly (much worse with the bi), then I'd not recommend it. But in my situation, it's just no biggie. Then again, I'm good at being alone, so ... YMMV.

[sidmand]

If you're me or you're the thousands of Americans who have spouses who travel during the week for work, then this is really no big deal and becomes your every day normal. My DH is away Monday thru Thursday. Sometimes if it's a far client he's assigned to, then he leaves Sunday nights. He's home every weekend. Been like this for 12 years.

Now, there are perks here. A) We don't pay for travel. Unless it's a couple hundred bucks, we just don't pay, we use miles/hotel points/free car rental rewards. That's a huge perk. B) When DS was born, DH took 6 solid weeks off with pay cuz he banked them all up and was able to take them together. That's alot of weeks to be home with me. C) DH is home three solid days and not working. If he were working locally, he'd get maybe bedtime with him daily and that's it. Not that much time difference. So, he actually gets more time with DS than he would otherwise. For us, this is big.

Now, again, DH comes home every weekend,a nd that's key. It sounds like it would be the same for you. If it would literally be two different homes and you'd not see each other consistently weekly or bi-weekly (much worse with the bi), then I'd not recommend it. But in my situation, it's just no biggie. Then again, I'm good at being alone, so ... YMMV.

Thanks Fairy for this. I thought there were many people who did have similar situations and had to travel like this because they had to go where the jobs were. Yeah, DH would definitely be home either every weekend for likely three days and or every other week, depending on where, how, etc. He would only do it if the job was a significant one (both for responsibility and with a salary enough to compensate for the commuting that would be involved as well). The trip to DC is not that long of a flight but he'd only want to do that every couple of weeks at the most. The trip to NY though would be about a 6-hour drive (it's way in the middle) but he commutes over an hour each way now so all combined it's about the same.

DH really only sees them on the weekend anyway and I'm responsible for most of the day-to-day stuff so I don't think that part would be much different (although when DS threw up in the middle of the night it was nice to have two of us to clean it up and look after DS, I admit). I do worry about the couple part of it but I hope if we're aware of that going into it we can figure out some things to make it work.

As far as a trial...it's definitely possible. If DH loves the job and is definitely going to stay there and if we found it really wasn't working at all to be in two different places it's something I would think about. I think it's much easier to get to know other people/moms though when you have little kids and it gets more difficult as they get older. I was a big part of our MOMS Club and met an awful lot of people that way but that's not to say I couldn't do it again.

[carolinamama]

We did it before we had kids. DH came home or I went to visit him every weekend. It wasn't bad at all before we had kids and we knew it was temporary - until the end of a particular project. It was doable because I wasn't burdened taking care of kids by myself all week. Plus when we were together, we could really be together and connect since kids didn't get in the way. Our marriage did not suffer.

All that said, I would not do it with kids for several reasons. First, I think our marriage is important and feel like we wouldn't have enough time to be a couple. Second, I think our family unit is a priority and try to keep us together if possible. Third, I would end up a stressed-out, resentful wife and mother if I had to do it all during the week and then had weekends with DH, which would be spent doing projects around the house, running kids to soccer etc, and general weekend stuff that didn't get done during the week because I was so harried from being a single mother.

We may be in this position next year since DH's project ends and we aren't sure if there will be another one in our area. We will do what we have to do and it may be that we are in a position to live in 2 different states so never say never and all that. But I plan to move with him if it is a project longer than a year even though we will have to sell our house and move from a place we love.

Growing up, my dad moved alot for his job (same company though, different positions). We all stayed together and while it was really hard to attend 3 different highschools at the time, looking back I feel like it was the right move to go as a unit. I really learned to lean on my family and be with them.

You could always give it a try and see if it works for you all. Maybe give him a 3-6 month "probation" period to make sure he really likes the job before uprooting your family.

[Fairy]

Ah, the throwing up in the middle of the night. Let me tell you, it's easy for me and part of what's normal for me, definitely. BUT. Having to do it all on my own when DS is sick -- really sick. And I dn't get a break (like when he threw up for 12 hours straight). Or when we had the flood and I did not knwo what the hell to do but call my daddy. Now, DH was lucky enough to be on a project he drives to every week about 3 hours away, so he came right home. But if he were a plane ride away, it would have been a much different story. So,yes, this is not a big deal for me, but I've been doing it a long time, and I'm not gonna lie, when it sucks, it definitely sucks.

[katydid1971]

My brother and SIL are going through this for various reasons including her job, selling their house and home prices where brother works. They live/work in separate states. My brother catches an early plane to where he works (about 1.25 hour plane trip) and then catches a bus to his work,after work he takes a bus to where he rents a studio apartment where he also keeps his car. He leave either Thursday or Friday after work (he is able to work from home some Fridays). This is the work he loves doing for a very large well known company. He makes a great salary (more than twice what DH makes). As an outsider I think this is very hard on my DN. He has some behavioral problems which I think are egged on by dad being gone and both parents feeling guilty so they let him get his way when he throws a temper tantrum etc. He is having problems at school with behavior too. I know this would be better in his dad was home. This is from an outsider so take it for what its worth. For a while I have felt they they should do what they need to in order to be together but they are fine with the arrangement they way it is now. After seeing what they are going through I wouldn't do it with our family past like finishing out the school year.

[alexsmommy]

I've seen a HUGE increase in this happening due to the economy in my practice. Spouse loses a job, can't find one locally, starts nationwide search, finds one, BUT due to the same economy that caused them to be downsized, couple feels stuck because they can't afford to sell at a loss. Even those who are not upside down, I hear a lot of, "Well, we put down 20K on the 200K home, now home is worth at best 185K and we can't afford to lose money on an agent and know full well there is no way in our neighborhood FSBO is going to work..." So ones stays and one goes.
As Fairy said, I know a lot of people who have spouses in industries with tons of travel, or who travel every week as consultants. So, I say, anything is doable, but you have to know you, your spouse, your marriage and how you both handle new/different stresses than you've had in the past.