Full House - Extended Family Issues

[Raidra]

Our house is overflowing with crazy right now, and I could use some sympathy and possibly advice (on the off chance that anyone has BTDT). Some of you may remember my posts about my nutso mother and her major health (physical and mental) complications following gastric bypass surgery. That's still ongoing, and not improving much at all.

Now to add to things, my aunt has decided to leave her husband, and is now living in my parents' half of the house, with her 10 year old son and 18 year old daughter. Obviously, there are issues with my 10 year old cousin since his parents are splitting up, and that's emotional and whatnot. But we're having some serious issues integrating our families because we're so different. He eats way more sweets, gets way more toys/outings, is often rude in that "I'm so cool" way that bigger kids have. His siblings are all much older than him (17-21), so he's used to acting a LOT older, playing very rough, and thinks violence is cool. He can be sneaky (my mom overheard him saying, "okay, it's a deal, but you can't squeal to your mom!" - I *think* he was sneaking them candy when they weren't supposed to have any).

He absolutely adores my kids, but they're already starting to pick up some of his rudeness, and he's been here less than a week. They get jealous that he can have more sweets, play more video games, etc. We've had talks about how different families work in different ways, and how he might get some things that they don't have, but that he's jealous that we got to go to Disney this spring and he didn't, and that they get to homeschool and he doesn't (he brought those things up with me).

Anyway. I just feel like we're drowning in crazy right now. It's spring vacation so he's home a lot, and I'm hoping things will settle down next week.

Thanks for letting me vent. :)

[truly scrumptious]

Hugs and sympathy, mama! It's so hard to have your DC comparing themselves to friends, but to have someone around 24/7 that they can compare themselves to is even worse!!! The only consolation is that your DN is probably driving his side of the family equally crazy complaining about all the stuff your DC get that he can't do. (Cue a "WHY can't I stay home too?")

I don't have any BTDT advice for you, but I'm sending you lots of strengthening vibes to help you with your choices for your DC, and no one would blame you if you pulled a "Because I say so and I'm the mom!" ;)

[ha98ed14]

That's a difficult situation for anyone, so your feelings are totally valid. No advice on your mom, but here is how I would deal with your cousin:

*IF* this arrangement is going to be semi-permanent, you have to stop worrying about being nice and/ or hurting your cousin's feelings and live your life the way you want to and enforce your rules NOW!

First, about the rudeness, I would tell Cousin that in your family you don't sneak things/ do things without telling parents/ use disrespectful language/ other naughty behaviors AND if he is going to do that, he needs to go to his side of the house. (I am assuming you have a duplex. God I hope you do because if there is no door to close to keep him (and your mother) out of your family's space, I think you might lose it altogether. Or at least I would. :) )

Second: Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. For all of them. Because you HS, they might see you as being home all day. But you are working too! Tell them you are changing up your HSing (even if your not) and making it more of a defined time; that you/ your kids will only be available for help (for your mom) and visits (from your cousin) from X to Y. (Limit it to 1.5 hours at a time, max!) If you can make yourself available at other times and want to, fine, but on your terms. I would add that if mom needs to go to the doc or something urgent that you could do that without breaking your boundaries.

Third: It is not your responsibility to save the feelings of your 10 y.o. cousin. Yes, his situation sucks right now. Looking at it from his perspective, his parents are getting divorced; he had to leave his own house/space; and he goes to live with/next door to his cousins who get to go to Disney and don't have to go to school. Life seems pretty unfair to him! Of course that would be hard for a 10. y.o.! You are being very gracious to listen to his feelings of jealousy, but really, these are feelings best told to his own mom IMO. Maybe you guys are very close, but in my mind, it's a kin to saying to the mom of a birthday child, "I'm jealous that Bobby got the razor scooter I wanted." It's kind of inappropriate, but I also get that he's a child, and kids don't have such social boundaries internalized. If he brings jealousy issues up to you again, I would listen for a minute or two, but then say, "I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can imagine that it is hard to have rules and privileges be different. If you see things you'd like to be different for you, you should talk to your mom because she is the one who makes decisions about you, just like I am the one who makes decisions about my kids." And leave it at that. This boundary, coupled with more limited contact hours, will hopefully free you of some of the on-going burden. Also, not that you should, but if you are feeling guilty about your kids nice, emotionally secure life compared to your cousin's hard one at this moment, don't. Compassion yes. Guilt no. Be gentle with him in words and even invite him on an outing (go for ice cream) if you can, but enforce boundaries. You can "be there for him" and still do it between the hours of X and Y.

Question: Do you think that the "keep mom in the dark" sneakiness is Cousin trying to get your kids in trouble because he feels jealous? Maybe it's just that Cousin can get away with a lot more, but I wonder if he's acting out as a way to deal with his feelings.

Anyway, that's my BTDT with SIL's kids. DD is an only, so there are things she gets (for ex. a ballet class) that her same age cousins don't. On Sunday, the cousin DD's age hauled off and kicked her completely unprovoked. I think it's jealousy expressed at the 4 y.o. level. At least your cousin can voice his feelings. That is a good sign that he'll be able to process this constructively.