i would like something to go right...

[lmh2402]

anything, really. i'm so tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop...and then still having that punched-in-the-gut feeling when it does in fact fall.

it feels like no matter what we do, we're always a day late, and more than a dollar short.

i'm tired of stressing to the point of being unable to sleep. i'm tired of being angry at my husband. i'm tired of crying in inappropriate places and at inappropriate times. of not being able to fully function at work b/c i'm too preoccupied and too tired.

i'm just tired.

i want to be happy, but i don't even know what that means. b/c really, i know in the scheme of things, my life isn't half bad. i'm sure people would say it's actually pretty good. but the day to day, living it, it doesn't feel nearly as good as maybe it would appear.

it feels chaotic and unstable and scary and lonely and hard. really sad and hard. i miss being happy. and i'm so sad for my DS, to have a sad and angry mama. i try to never appear sad or angry at life in front of hm, but i feel like he knows. i feel like my energy is maybe contributing to some of the issues that he then exhibits. so it becomes a cycle.

the chicken and the egg, which precipitated which...does it even matter? b/c our issue are far greater than DS' proclivity for epic tantrums and obsessive focus on/repetitive talk about totally random things. i just fear that these things (the tantrums and the perseverative stuff) is just one more thing to add to the list of stuff we've somehow managed to f' up/cause along the way. b/c back to the beginning, somehow, no matter what...we never seem to be able to get out of our own way.

i am just so tired. to my bones.

[goldenpig]

:hug: I'm sorry things are so rough for you. I hope things start to get better for you all soon. You are a loving and strong mama doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Your DS is so lucky to have you as his mom! :love5:

[cuca_]

I am sorry you are going through a tough time. Hugs to you. You are not to blame for your DS's tantrums and perseveration. I don't know you, but you come across in your post as a loving, involved and concerned mommy. Don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you feel better soon, and are able to get some sleep. I find that sometimes lack of sleep makes everything seem worse.

[mommylamb]

Being a parent, a worker in a bad economy, a wife, and all the other roles we all have to play on a daily basis is really REALLY hard. It's no wonder so many of us feel overwhelmed and constantly behind the 8 ball. Know that there aren't perfect people out there, and that lots of people understand and face similar struggles. It doesn't make you a bad mom. In fact, it sounds like you're doing a great job trying to make his childhood as stress free as possible given a high stress situation. Hang in there.

ETA: I'm sure others will suggest this with more experience with it than I have, but have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds like that outside perspective could help.

[arivecchi]

Stress sucks the life out of you. It really does.

I completely understand what you are saying. Where is that elusive "happy life" we all envisioned having?

Hang in there. Hopefully, the economy will improve soon and we can all stop stressing so darn much.

I know you are always trying to do what is best for your DS, so from my POV, it looks like you are doing a great job.

Keep your chin up. :grouphug:

[jgenie]

:hug: Hugs to you - I hope the joy returns to your life very soon. I'm feeling the same way today - on paper our lives are great - I'm just not feeling it lately - hoping the clouds lift soon. :hug:

[sste]

Please don't blame yourself for your DS's "hard-wiring" - - that is nothing you could have caused. No, not what you have described here.

I hope things improve soon. FWIW, I went through a period where I was very stressed out over work for a three or four years and then a very close loved one died . . . and the thought was so clear in my mind for so many months, "I had everything. Why didn't I realize I had everything and enjoy it." If you feel like you need a therapist or some other support to enjoy life again, go for it. :)

[larig]

I just wanted to offer a hug. I'm sorry you're having such a rough patch. You obviously do such a wonderful job with your son, and always have a kind word to say to others.

I hope things are looking up soon.

[blue]

just wanted to offer a quick :hug5:

[lmh2402]

thanks, guys

i feel a little better today. just a bit. but it's enough to at least not be crying every five minutes. so that's good.

hope everyone has a good weekend and happy mother's day :grouphug:

[AnnieW625]

hugs, and same to you, hope you have a great weekend, and very happy Mothers Day!