Has anyone 'divorced' themselves from someone? Sorry not in M-Day spirit!

[SammyeGail]

I don't like posting this on Mother's day weekend, its just something my counselor said, and it just hard for me to wrap my heart and head around it.

I have a sister, I know I've brought this up a million times, she and I no longer have a decent relationship. Things were bad growing up, she was not a *big sister*, she really tormented me. I was always trying to gain her approval, into adulthood.

My counselor said I need to 'divorce' myself from her. I didn't get into details on how I am supposed to do this, I was talking more about sis and things.

I love her, she is my sister. Yes, I extremely dislike many things she has done to me in my life, despise the one thing in particular. She doesn't really want a relationship. I am ok with trying to have one, we are sisters despite all that has happened.

Its like she has no heart. I just don't understand.

So how do you 'divorce' yourself from someone who's always been in your life? I know my main problem is that I am a sensitive person, sentimental, so that makes it all so much harder for me.

I wish I could grow a thicker skin.......

[DebbieJ]

Yes, it's called BOUNDARIES and it has made my life so much better!!! There is a book out there called BOUNDARIES by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. I HIGHLY recommend it!

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310585902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1304711981&sr=8-1

And I would also like to suggest that just because you are blood, it doesn't make you family. I have seen this play out in my own life.

[infomama]

I've BT with my brother..going on 6 years now. We had a falling out one summer and we just let each other go.

I don't ask my mom about him anymore. I don't get upset that he doesn't acknowledge his nieces....he is missing out on great joy by hanging up his Uncle hat but he's a grown intelligent man...he knows this is a huge mistake. We never speak unkindly of him to dds. I just had to resign myself to the fact that I want to have people in my life who love me and are kind to me. I have no doubt that my brother loves me as his sister just not as a friend.

I have a lot of support and that's how I get through it. You will, too. If she decides to come back into your life perhaps you can make amends and move forward.

[daisymommy]

Yes. We divorced ourselves from DH's parents for years. We have a relationship with them now, and it's the first time things are healthy--ever.

They were such dysfunctional, toxic people. They had pulled our family and their 3 kids into the ground. Everyone was on medication and counseling as a result of their parenting. I finally put my foot down and said enough was enough. DH called them and spelled it out for them, that as a result of how they were treating us, we needed to put some space between us, and we would not be talking to them for awhile, or visiting, until they could make positive changes and treat our family with respect. DH's therapist had brought up the idea before this as well.

They acted like they had no idea what he was talking about :rolleye0014: and then blamed everything on him, which is so typical. But we stuck to it. And we're both so glad we did. They eventually got the message and changed the way they interact with us and our kids.

[jenfromnj]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I have had to do this, and while it's really hard to do, it does get easier as time goes on.

Could you discuss a little further with your counselor and get some coping strategies and suggestions on how to proceed based on your particular situation? I feel like a lot of what will work best depends on your (and her) personality.

I second the notion Deb suggested above that blood does not necessarily equal family. Biological connections do not give anyone the right to treat you terribly. Especially since you said she does not really want to have a relationship with you, your time, effort and emotional energy are better spent elsewhere. IME, trying to distance yourself physically/literally (not calling or making an effort to see her, for instance) helps to create emotional distance.

Good luck, I know it's tough and a terrible situation to be in, but you'll truly be better off and happier in the long-term by making the break now.

[ha98ed14]

I have no doubt that my brother loves me as his sister just not as a friend.


This. It's possible for you to still love her as your sister, but to give up on having a relationship with her. If this is the same sister that made life so hard for you in TN, then I think it's time to give up. She's sent you the message she doesn't want a relationship, which you acknowledge. Now it's time to just let go. The above by infomama is a way to both move on while still hoping good things for the person.

[StantonHyde]

Yes, from my dad. At first I had to put limits/boundaries on what we could discuss (or what I would not let him talk to me about) and when he brought it up, I would say, I'm not talking about that, let's move on to another subject and I would ask him a question about something else. Rinse. Repeat.

Then I put boundaries on the amount of contact--one phone call per week and one visit per month. Then, last year, he said the nastiest thing to me. So I wrote him a letter and said I needed to take a break. I put him on email contact only. He could see the kids for 2-3 hours each month, but he couldn't stay at our house. That has gone ok.

Now he wants to call us. I put the kids on the phone and keep my conversations to less than 10 mins. He still has not spent the night at our house and I intend to keep it that way.

Bottom line--don't go looking for milk in the hardware store. You will NEVER find it.

[niccig]

My Dad did to his brother after he pulled him out of another drug house for the umpteenth time. He cut off all contact, we didn't see him for over a decade and he lived an hour away. We lived next to my grandmother, and when my uncle would visit, we would not go to her house.

They're in contact now - mostly just phone as live in different states. My Dad will visit him every couple of years. That's it. Wasn't strange growing up, then when we were older, my parents explained why we had no contact.

[Binkandabee]

I've had to do this somewhat with my own brother. We still talk occasionally, usually only when he needs something from me, and we see each other at holidays (mostly to please my Mom) but apart from that we don't have any contact....and we live 30 minutes apart.

It's hurtful that he really doesn't care about us having a relationship but that is the bottom line. I was the only one who was keeping the lines of communication open and making an effort. So, about a year and a half I just decided I was going to start pulling away from the one-sided relationship I had with him. Guess what...he doesn't call (unless he needs something...which I frequently don't give him), doesn't make any effort to see my kids...nada. I am actually relieved that I don't have to work to maintain what was basically a dead end relationship. I haven't completely written him off and certainly if he made some effort to contact me or my kids, I'd be willing to give him a chance, I'm just not going to be the only one who gives any effort anymore.

It's really helped me deal with it because the ball is in his court at this point.

[pinkmomagain]

She doesn't really want a relationship. I am ok with trying to have one, we are sisters despite all that has happened.

I hate to say it but it seems like she has already divorced you. It must be a very sad feeling when it is not mutual. I would look for ways to replace this missing relationship by cultivating other more fulfilling ones...whether it be with other family members (cousins, inlaws) or friends. Hopefully your work with your counselor will help! ((HUGS))

[cvanbrunt]

Yes I have. From my father's entire family. Not my dad, though. We are tight; I am the poster child for "daddy's girl".

This is in no way a criticism of you or anyone else but I am exactly the opposite of you. I can't wrap my head around why people can't just divorce themselves from people. I think it must be related to how I view humans. To me, family is an accident of biology and comes with no social obligation. If someone unrelated treats me horridly, I don't feel an obligation to continue a relationship with them. The fact that I share some genes doesn't change the fact that they are horrible people. I'm also among the least sentimental people on the planet.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you can find some peace soon.

[SammyeGail]

Your replies mean so much to me :grouphug:, that is one thing I need, support. I don't have any friends here yet, and its hard for me to make friends. Ya know, real friends! DH understands, but I know he is tired of me dragging this ball and chain everywhere. It has affected my life so much. I know it roots from my early childhood and she never wanting anything to do with me. One comment in a nasty email she sent 12-05 she said she hated that I was ever born because I took her mother away from her. That gave me some real insight as to why she is the way she is, but thats just cruel.

I like the comment that blood does not make your family. Thank you so much for that!

A big issue is that she has moved my Dad in with her, his health is bad. I have to call her house to hopefully talk to him, I have gotten him once in the 2 weeks he's been there. It all really sucks!

Maybe moving Dad into her house she considers this payback for me being born and taking her Mom away from her. Jeez.

DH has had to separate himself from his only sister, she has some severe anger/mental problems. I ask him how he does it, he says he loves her, is concerned about her, but things are so sour he can't have her in his life. They have talked 2 times via phone in the 13 yrs we've been married.

I don't know how to get to that place. Sometimes I think I am, but then I'm all depressed about it again.

If I'm the one wallowing in the past, how do I get past this?!? I know the therapist trick of writing a letter, letting it all out, then burn or throw it away. A big part of me wants to send the letter! I told my therapist in TN this, he laughed and said I could do that, but be prepared for the consequences of it.

Has anyone gotten any relief in saying-writing your feelings out to this person? Even if it doesn't effect them in any way, I feel like it would help me to carefully compose my feelings-but she has my Dad now :(.

[niccig]

I hate to say it but it seems like she has already divorced you. It must be a very sad feeling when it is not mutual. I would look for ways to replace this missing relationship by cultivating other more fulfilling ones...whether it be with other family members (cousins, inlaws) or friends. Hopefully your work with your counselor will help! ((HUGS))

:yeahthat: My 2 sisters had a falling out, and my older sister stopped having contact with my younger sister. Younger sister was always saying to me "but we're sister, this isn't how sisters treat each other etc" She kept opening herself up to getting hurt again and again. I told her "you can not force someone to have a relationship with you." Yes, she's your sister, but you can't make her do/say/behave how you want her to.

It's been a few years now, and they do have a little more contact, and my younger sister has let go of her "sisterly" expectations of my older sister. Unfair...yes, but that's how it is. I'm piggy in the middle, so I'm glad they're talking again, albeit only a little.

[HIU8]

Yup, I have divorced myself from my brother. I did this a LONG time ago--as soon as I left for college. My brother is a toxic jerk. He surfaces when he needs something and I am civil to him--he is my brother and unfortunately my dumb father made him executor of his will (a whole other story). My kids have no relationship with him. They see him for an hour or so about 3x a year at holiday's and that's it.

I have a separation--not a full divorce from my sister. We take breaks from one another, but I do help her out at times. I just have to do stuff with her minus BIL who I absolutely cannot stand and who is not allowed around my children.

[SammyeGail]

This is in no way a criticism of you or anyone else but I am exactly the opposite of you. I can't wrap my head around why people can't just divorce themselves from people. I think it must be related to how I view humans. To me, family is an accident of biology and comes with no social obligation. If someone unrelated treats me horridly, I don't feel an obligation to continue a relationship with them. The fact that I share some genes doesn't change the fact that they are horrible people. I'm also among the least sentimental people on the planet.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you can find some peace soon.

No criticism felt, its good for me to hear other peoples views. I appreciate any support on how to be stronger. I know I need a new perspective on it. I also have some issues with DH's daughter from his 1st marriage, she and DH haven't spoken in years (she's 24) but I'm the one who gets all sad and cry that their relationship is the way it is. She told him when he would openly call me a second class citizen, put me in that place, her and only her first, maybe they can talk then. He was very pissed, that was just insane. He and his son talk alot, she still feels the same way. Bty, I never did a thing to her, I loved her so much. I think she feels I took her Dad away from her. I know its not logical, but I feel guilt about that! Wishing there was a way she could see a wife's and daughter's relationship are completely different for a husband/father.

ETA: it was a huge deal to my mother that we all be family, and how important family was. *its embedded in me* I guess is a way of saying why I can't get past this.

[ashleybama24]

I learned at a very young age that just because someone shares the same last name or the same blood does not mean they are family. Family in my opinion could be friends- people you know will be there for you no matter what, will still love you and not judge you, and support you even if they don't agree with your decisions. I try and surround myself with people that bring joy into your life and make you a better person.

How do you remove someone? Don't call, email, text, write a letter, visit or have any communication with that person. If you have to keep your interactions brief and at an surface level. Ie don't talk about anything more serious than the weather. It sounds like your sister doesn't want a relationship. As hard as it is you have no control over that...you can only control yourself and how you react to her.

[cvanbrunt]

I appreciate any support on how to be stronger. I know I need a new perspective on it.
You know how I did it? I just realized one day that if I continued to let them hurt me, they won. I just wasn't going to let these people have any type of "control". They don't get brain space.

[firemama]

Sorry you have to deal with this.

[StantonHyde]

Trust me--don't send the letter(s). It does NOTHING. Seriously. Not. One. Thing. The other person will NEVER interpret what you say the way you meant it. They will twist it to their way of thinking and you will be left frustrated. I finally had to come to grips with the fact that my dad will never see interactions as others see them. I have had this confirmed over the last several years by talking to other people about their interactions with my dad. The bottom line is that the other person will always give their version of events and even if someone says to them that they are out of line, all they will hear is that they are right.

First rule: You can ONLY change yourself. You can NOT, NOT, NOT change other people.

So talk to your therapist about coping skills and actions you can take. This is the place for cognitive behavioral therapy. Seriously. Trying to understand and come to grips with it all could take a long time. By employing some proactive techniques, you can protect yourself and improve your confidence, which will give you the perspective you need to understand.

[Melanie]

Yep, I've done it. And I did send the letter. However in my case the letter was basically done in the tone of "Just so we are CLEAR, here is what I think of you, why I think it and why I don't want to hear from you again." Then I sent it return receipt requested. I got the return receipt. I wanted to know that it was received. For some reason this alleviated any guilt I felt about the situation. I didn't send it in hopes to change anything.