Thanks for making me feel like even more carp.

[elizabethkott]

Yesterday left me feeling... underwhelmed.
Dh and J made me cards. Fine.
But they were cards made from the Backyardigans coloring book pages *I* had printed out and left on the kitchen table, and made while I was in the other room nursing the baby. On Sunday morning.
DH and J got me a present. Great!
Yes, it was a new coffee mug from Starbucks, when I had expressed I wanted a new travel mug for work. And a Starbucks gift card for $5.
But DH then spent the rest of the day saying "J and I have to go out together", which was usually followed by J saying, "Daddy, we have to go get Mommy's surprise!".
See, this sets up an expectation. Not an expectation of extravagence, but an expectation that *something* else is coming.
Except it never did.
Not even after DH went to the grocery store. You know, the place where flowers are readily available?
So I felt let down. And I tried to express this to DH tonight, about half an hour ago.
And in return, I was called selfish, materialistic, and told, "I guess nothing I do is good enough. You sound like your mother." (Which for those of you who "know" me here, is like the WORST, most HURTFUL thing you could say to me.)
And now I feel like sh!t, and I am crying in my kitchen, alone.
It's not about the "stuff". It never was. I just wanted to feel appreciated, be told that yes, I AM a good mother by my husband, and to feel maybe just a little bit special for a day.
But when you set up the expectation that there's something *else* coming, and that *something* never materializes, yeah, I do feel let down. And not because I wanted "stuff".
Because I wanted to feel appreciated and loved.
Is that so wrong?

[Puddy73]

:hug: So sorry you had a crappy day. You are an amazing mama and you are loved and appreciated. Boys just don't "get" the simple stuff sometimes. You deserve some wine and chocolate.

[wellyes]

What an ass. You deserve :hug5:

[bubbaray]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

The good news is that FD is just around the corner. :icon_twisted:

[LarsMal]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

The good news is that FD is just around the corner. :icon_twisted:

:yeahthat:

Big :thumbsdown: to your DH.

[DrSally]

So sorry, I totally get where you're coming from.

[elektra]

I would be upset too, and your DH probably knows he really dropped the ball.
The "just like your mother" comment is a seriously low blow. Boo on him.

[infomama]

Nothin' like being kicked when you're down. I'm so sorry. I would be really tempted to put as much effort into Father's Day as he did your Mother's Day. Of course you deserve to feel loved and appreciated. You deserve that everyday.

[niccig]

He knows he messed up, he's gone on the defensive and then struck out to cover his ass. Easier to blame someone else than to admit he dropped the ball.

I fully intend to make sure that my DS is aware of the importance of Mother's Day/Valentine's Day/Birthdays/Anniversaries etc. I figure he's still young and I'm the female who will have most impression on him...so training him young to give thoughtful gifts and to be appreciative of those around him.

My Dad was really bad at gift giving for my mother, but once my sisters and I were old enough, we told him what to do - maybe you boys can help DH get a clue as they get older "Dad, it's mum's birthday, we need to go buy flowers etc."

:hug5: hope tomorrow is a better day

[Melanie]

I'm sorry. I would have been disappointed as well. :(

[hillview]

HUGS I feel your pain. Kids did cards DH helped them pick out and gave me things their school had them make. That is all. No card from DH. No other gifts. I got myself a HRM.

It does feel crappy. So sorry and HUGS to you.
/hillary

[g-mama]

That really stinks. I'm sorry. I think your dh knows he messed up.

OTOH, I wouldn't try to sabotage his FD in retaliation because is that the dynamic you want to carry out in your marriage? Is that the atmosphere you want to create for your children to observe and grow up in? My mom always taught me "kill 'em with kindness." Show him how to make MD special by example. That's just my .02.

[liz]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that your MD was disappointing. If that was my DH, I wouldn't let him get away with the "you're just like your mother" comment. I agree with PP that he is just lashing out to cover up the fact that he messed up. I would talk to him again and tell him how much that comment hurt, and that when you heard your DS exclaim that there was a surprise (that never happened) you felt a little let down. Maybe now that a little time has passed he can talk about without being defensive and maybe he'll get it together for the next time.

:hug: to a wonderful mama!

[ThreeofUs]

Oh, sweetheart. :hug: :hug:

You are a good mother. You try *really* hard. And you were totally set up by the situation.

[artvandalay]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

The good news is that FD is just around the corner. :icon_twisted:

:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat:

Maybe when he gets a taste of his own medicine he will realize what a jerk he was.

I'm sorry... you deserved a nice day and it sounded like he didn't put any thought into it.

[TwinFoxes]

He knows he messed up, he's gone on the defensive and then struck out to cover his ass. Easier to blame someone else than to admit he dropped the ball.



Yep. I think this is one of the least attractive qualities in ANYone. Lashing out instead of owning up to an F-up. I would suggest having a conversation with him about that underlying issue, but it sounds like maybe that wouldn't work in your relationship. I'm so sorry. If he had just said "you're right, I blew it, I'm sorry" things would have been a thousand times better. :hug:

[elizabethkott]

Thanks, ladies. :)
I wrote him a little note and left it for him telling him how hurt I was both by his actions and his words. He found it this morning before getting on the treadmill and we spoke about it.
He said he "was in a really bad mood" last night (like that excuses it), that he's sorry I felt that way (which isn't really an apology, kwim?) and that he thinks I was so upset because of how my mother turned MD into being all about her (she literally told me to get out of a picture set up so she could be photographed with my children without me). Yes, I was annoyed with my mother, but it was a separate issue, which I tried to explain. I don't think he got it. He really does think that he "did good" for mother's day with the coffee mug, gift card and "cards".
He said that we'll "re-do" mother's day on Saturday for me.
We'll see.
He really is a great husband and father. I guess I just have to really spell out what I'd like in the way of demonstrating appreciation in the future.

[truly scrumptious]

He really is a great husband and father. I guess I just have to really spell out what I'd like in the way of demonstrating appreciation in the future.

You know, this is a great idea. Why not sit down with him and let him know what makes you feel appreciated and what doesn't? Now that there isn't the pressure of MD looming over him, maybe it'll be easier for him to see the big picture.

I would phrase it as,"I know you didn't intend it that way, but when you did X, I felt like Y." So you can mention how much you loved the card, mug and GC, but at the same time ask him to put himself in your shoes for the rest of the day and explain how you felt. Acknowledge that he probably didn't intend to build up your expectations (he didn't actually promise you a surprise) but that you were looking forward to it all day based on what your DS was saying, and felt let down.
You can also give him examples of things he did in the past that DO make you feel good - "That time at the park that you hugged me and said I was a great mom - it made me feel so good." That way he'll see you remember the good things he does, not just the bad. And he knows what kind of things to do in the future.

:hug: OP, I would have felt so disappointed in your shoes. (And I do think he was TOTALLY in the wrong to lash out at you, as well as blaming your bad mood on your mom - that was a total cop-out.) Sorry, I know this is the BP and you weren't asking for advice, but as soon as I read what you said above, I thought,"What a great opportunity for avoiding this in the future and giving her DH a chance to redeem himself!"

Hope your make-up MD on Saturday is a million times better!

[cindys]

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[StantonHyde]

Big hugs Elizabeth!! That was an owie!! You are a wonderful person and mommy. So there!

[sste]

I fully intend to make sure that my DS is aware of the importance of Mother's Day/Valentine's Day/Birthdays/Anniversaries etc. I figure he's still young and I'm the female who will have most impression on him...so training him young to give thoughtful gifts and to be appreciative of those around him.

I so agree with this. I keep a journal for DS and one for DD that is a combo of memories of them, how I am feeling, and things I want them to keep in mind. On Sunday, I was writing in DS's journal about some of the stories I had heard here. And that if DS was lucky enough to find someone he loved to share his life with and have a family with then for the love of pete, DS, be sure to treat her like a queen on Mother's Day! There is a lot of hard sledding in marriage, in raising kids, in life and people need to be reminded regularly that they are cherished.

Elizabethkott, I am sorry to hear of this. I would consider printing out the "what did you get for mother's day thread" and leaving it, oh, on your DH's dashboard. Just for some educational reading. Grrrrr.