is friend clueless or really sensitive?

[momof2girls]

One of my good friends (we'll call her Jane) has been rubbing me the wrong way lately. She's always been the type who needs to be the center of attention (always "sick" with something, creates drama when none exists). I've accepted that as she is also very sweet and charming in her own way.
Within the last month 2 other moms in our circle are going through rough times. One lost her dad last week to cancer, the other has a nephew who is 21 and dying in the hospital. Everyone except Jane has been trying to help out with babysitting, cooking meals, lending an ear. Jane is a SAHM with kids in school full time but always says she is sooo busy. I know for a fact her life very much mirrors mine except that she also has a cleaning lady once a week so she's not THAT busy.
What bothers me the most, however, is that she refuses to listen when our friends talk about their sad situations by claiming "I can't handle listening to bad news" or "I don't want to talk about it, it makes me sad." As if SHE'S the one with the loss on her shoulders. As if HER discomfort in hearing about thier losses is greater than their need to be comforted. I find that extremely self-centered and it is saddening me to see this side of her. How do these situations have ANYTHING to do with her?! Be a grown up, suck it up and be a good friend and listen to those who need to vent.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Are some people REALLY that sensitive that they can't handle comforting others when others need it the most?
These other friends who are suffering losses tell me that they understand that poor Jane just can't handle listening to them. I think it is just Jane's way of turning the situation to be about her, once again. Am I wrong or am I being insensitive to Jane?

[wellyes]

I'm sure she sincerely believes exactly what she says.

I also can't really think of a more selfish reaction to a friend's grief and fear.

I don't think she's too sensitive, kind of the opposite, I think she lacks empathy and compassion. She doesn't care enough about other people's needs to sacrifice her own desire to avoid hearing about it.

[wendmatt]

I'm sure she sincerely believes exactly what she says.

I also can't really think of a more selfish reaction to a friend's grief and fear.

I don't think she's too sensitive, kind of the opposite, I think she lacks empathy and compassion. She doesn't care enough about other people's needs to sacrifice her own desire to avoid hearing about it.

I totally agree, doesn't sound like a very nice friend.

[lhafer]

I'm sure she sincerely believes exactly what she says.

I also can't really think of a more selfish reaction to a friend's grief and fear.

I don't think she's too sensitive, kind of the opposite, I think she lacks empathy and compassion. She doesn't care enough about other people's needs to sacrifice her own desire to avoid hearing about it.

:yeahthat: This pretty much sums up EXACTLY what I was thinking about her based on what you wrote.

[egoldber]

It has been my experience that many people react very oddly and sometimes inappropriately to tragedy and grief. Whether that is from unresolved issues from their past or an inability to face their own mortality or the mortality of their loved ones, I don't know.

Ever since we lost a child, I am sometimes able to be strong and compassionate and reach out to people with loss. But sometimes, depending on what else is going on in my life and how my coping skills are functioning at that time, I just can't do it. And I know that sometimes people think it is horrible of me to not be able to do that.

So I think it is very hard to know from the outside what someone is struggling with on the inside. If your friends are not bothered, I would try to let it go.

[crayonblue]

It has been my experience that many people react very oddly and sometimes inappropriately to tragedy and grief. Whether that is from unresolved issues from their past or an inability to face their own mortality or the mortality of their loved ones, I don't know.

Ever since we lost a child, I am sometimes able to be strong and compassionate and reach out to people with loss. But sometimes, depending on what else is going on in my life and how my coping skills are functioning at that time, I just can't do it. And I know that sometimes people think it is horrible of me to not be able to do that.

So I think it is very hard to know from the outside what someone is struggling with on the inside. If your friends are not bothered, I would try to let it go.

Yes, this exactly.

[ThreeofUs]

While I totally agree with pp's, there is one other explanation that might be true. She might be struggling with depression, which could also account for her feeling so overwhelmed as well as her avoidance of anything negative.

[Indianamom2]

It has been my experience that many people react very oddly and sometimes inappropriately to tragedy and grief. Whether that is from unresolved issues from their past or an inability to face their own mortality or the mortality of their loved ones, I don't know.

Ever since we lost a child, I am sometimes able to be strong and compassionate and reach out to people with loss. But sometimes, depending on what else is going on in my life and how my coping skills are functioning at that time, I just can't do it. And I know that sometimes people think it is horrible of me to not be able to do that.

So I think it is very hard to know from the outside what someone is struggling with on the inside. If your friends are not bothered, I would try to let it go.


I think it's very very difficult to know "Exactly" what someone else's life is like. It might seem like her life mirrors yours perfectly, but I'm willing to bet that there's more there than meets the eye. People are very rarely exactly what they appear to be.

[egoldber]

She might be struggling with depression, which could also account for her feeling so overwhelmed as well as her avoidance of anything negative.

Absolutely. I was also thinking specifically of depression, which does not always look like being sad. It can also look like being really overwhelmed and like life is out of control. Anxiety as well, which often goes hand in hand with depression.

[momof2girls]

I've known her for 5 yrs and she is just one of those people who get easily frazzled if more than one thing is on her plate. Yet, she is also one of those who is always up for a good time. Her kids have missed school b/c they choose to stay up late watching movies or go out with family on school nights. So she is wishy washy in that respect. Is that a symptom of depression as well? Avoidance?

[khalloc]

Not sure. But I cry easily at bad/sad news. So while I might not know someone well, or whatever, if I hear about a loss, I start to tear up. That said, if I had a good friend I would not hesitate to let them talk about it. or even a friend that was a close friend. I would still listen, but sometimes I dont think I'm the best person to make them feel better since I end up tearing up and I imagine that might not help them get over their sadness.

[Indianamom2]

I've known her for 5 yrs and she is just one of those people who get easily frazzled if more than one thing is on her plate. Yet, she is also one of those who is always up for a good time. Her kids have missed school b/c they choose to stay up late watching movies or go out with family on school nights. So she is wishy washy in that respect. Is that a symptom of depression as well? Avoidance?

Yes, it certainly could be. Being easily overwhelmed by things that "everyone else" can handle is definitely a symptom.

[egoldber]

Is that a symptom of depression as well? Avoidance?

Yes, absolutely.


What are symptoms of depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

fatigue and decreased energy

feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

irritability, restlessness

loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

overeating or appetite loss

persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

[wellyes]

Avoidance is definitely a symptom of depression.

I went through some serious depression and I spent most if it hating myself. I vacillated between feeling useless and dead inside and sad and hopeless. But this woman: "I can't handle listening to bad news" or "I don't want to talk about it, it makes me sad."

I don't know. I know everyone experiences mental illness different and there are a range of reactions. But when I was depressed, I felt like I was the burden to my friends. I certainly wasn't there for them the way I should have been. But I can't imagine me telling THEM they were the burden on me. I'd have felt like a terrible awful person for not being able to be present as a friend, as opposed to having the peace of mind to request that they not bring me down with their bad news.

[momof2girls]

See that is what is confusing to me. She has no problem talking other's ears off about her aches and pains, her "busy" schedule, all that SHE has to do. But once you have an issue that is uncomfortable to talk about (death, terminal illnesses) she can't talk b/c it upsets her and she is just soooo busy. She talks constantly about herself so it's not like she is introverted and keeps things inside. (or maybe she is and I just know one side to her)

[crayonblue]

See that is what is confusing to me. She has no problem talking other's ears off about her aches and pains, her "busy" schedule, all that SHE has to do. But once you have an issue that is uncomfortable to talk about (death, terminal illnesses) she can't talk b/c it upsets her and she is just soooo busy. She talks constantly about herself so it's not like she is introverted and keeps things inside. (or maybe she is and I just know one side to her)

Sounds like your friend may just be un-empathetic. Throughout my daughter's life and death, I had to have a lot of grace towards others. Some people handle death and illness well and some don't. It sucks to be on the end that needs help and support and to find that friends just can't do it. But, then there are others who step up and go above and beyond and those friends are priceless!

[DebbieJ]

I haven't read all the responses....

Maybe she is struggling with her own demons (depression or other mental illness) and just doesn't want to let on. I know when my depression gets bad I tend to isolate myself and think only of me. It's really hard to listen to others and be available to others during those times.

I would say things along the lines of "I'm so busy" and was just waiting to someone to ask me how I was really doing. No one did and I suffered in silence.

[egoldber]

She may or may not be depressed. She may "just" be insensitive. There is just no way to really know.

[m448]

Please forgive my armchair diagnosis but as someone who is just now admitting and getting help with ADHD she sounds like me. The impulsiveness is a dysfunction of ADHD. The anxiety goes hand in hand and usually is so life long that people suffering with it have accepted it as the way they are. The overwhelming feeling of just "one more thing" being too much to juggle can be very real when you're just barely able to successfully juggle just the everyday must dos.

Either way there's nothing you can do except to be there for the friends you have said need help right now. Set aside your other friend's perceived faults for now but set some boundaries for your own mental health. Other than that it's on her shoulders to get help for any issues and she may very well be in that process already.

[momof2girls]

Please forgive my armchair diagnosis but as someone who is just now admitting and getting help with ADHD she sounds like me. The impulsiveness is a dysfunction of ADHD. The anxiety goes hand in hand and usually is so life long that people suffering with it have accepted it as the way they are. The overwhelming feeling of just "one more thing" being too much to juggle can be very real when you're just barely able to successfully juggle just the everyday must dos.

Either way there's nothing you can do except to be there for the friends you have said need help right now. Set aside your other friend's perceived faults for now but set some boundaries for your own mental health. Other than that it's on her shoulders to get help for any issues and she may very well be in that process already.

thanks for that...that actually sounds a lot like her!

[Kymberley]

I'm sorry about your friend(s). It sounds like everyone is having a really tough time right now.

This post has been very informative for me. I find myself experiencing every single one of the symptoms that PPs have described for depression and even ADHD. I thought I was over this, but it seems to have morphed into something else. Wow. I'm used to my depression being overwhelming sadness. Now it's just overwhelming. Like I have a million things to do and can't start on the first one (what is the first one?!?). Sorry to hijack, OP, and make this selfish post. I feel sorry for your friend if she feels like I have been feeling.

[HIU8]

My sister is this way. She simply cannot function if she has to deal with more than one thing at a time (as evidenced by the number of jobs she has been fired from and why her home looks like a tornado hit it). She cannot tell me what DN wants for her birthday b/c she literally cannot think straight. Example we use a lot in my family: if my sister were walking on the street to get somewhere and found you lying there, she would step over you and keep going b/c she cannot handle doing more than one thing at a time and you would suffer (this has happened IRL to family members before where she just blows ppl off b/c she has "to much on her mind" to deal with anything else). For my sister I do not think it is depression per say. She has always had learning disabilities and this has been something that has stood out pretty much all her life.

[Melaine]

Absolutely. I was also thinking specifically of depression, which does not always look like being sad. It can also look like being really overwhelmed and like life is out of control. Anxiety as well, which often goes hand in hand with depression.

I agree with this. There have been times (not now) when I have felt completely out of control and like I really couldn't handle sensitive topics. Just talking about some of those things would have made my heart race and brought up all kinds of other unrelated fears.

However, I never ever would have acted like this person, and I tend to doubt that this is really her issue. People with anxiety or depression tend to mostly hide it and don't usually like to point it out to others. Still, it is worth putting it out there, because if you haven't dealt with anxiety or depression you really have no idea how it can affect you.

[AnnieW625]

Jane needs a life honestly. She has too much time on her hands and makes up excuses for how boring her life really is. She probably tells people she is busy to make herself seem more important than she really is.

[Globetrotter]

My first thought was that Jane is very insensitive, but now I'm wondering if she really cannot handle it. I know there are some times where I "can't go there". I couldn't volunteer for Hospice or a cancer support organization (or other issues where I come across people who have similar painful experiences that I have gone through) because I know it will put me into a constant state of anxiety, based on my personality. Based on her personality, I'm wondering if Jane is constantly anxious and overwhelmed. I also know someone who suffers from PTSD and it is really hard for her to be able to talk about traumatic events, like a death in the family or impending health problems.

However, I can't imagine not having the time to give some small support, even an acknowledgement of the illness. She doesn't have to go out of her way, but not even a card?

I'm able to put aside my issues when a friend needs my help and I can give full support, but I can understand there may be times a person cannot (like Beth said). Or maybe she's just a jerk!

[momof2girls]

She doesn't have to go out of her way, but not even a card?

I'm able to put aside my issues when a friend needs my help and I can give full support, but I can understand there may be times a person cannot (like Beth said). Or maybe she's just a jerk!

We were all discussing how we could get together to go to friend's dad's funeral which is about 2 hrs away by car. She called to tell me that she couldn't possibly make that trip b/c it is simply too long for her to be in the car. huh???? She drives that long ALL THE TIME to go on weekly family beach house trips. it's very frustrating. I wonder if she'd be there if something tragic ever happened on my end.
I feel like I am bashing her. She is a sweet person, really. It's just that sometimes I think it takes a tragedy to see someone for who they really are and this side of her really disappoints me.

[R2sweetboys]

OP, while there may very well be other things going on with your friend, she does sound like she is very self-centered. My instincts say that the reason that she doesn't want to hear about your other friends' sad circumstances is because the attention is not on her. I've known people like this and it really drives me crazy. Part of me feels bad for them because the need for constant attention comes from somewhere. I often wonder if it stems from a lack of love/attention either currently or earlier in their life. None the less, I still find it hard to deal with. Maybe it would be good to keep your distance and focus more on those that really need your support right now.


Please forgive my armchair diagnosis but as someone who is just now admitting and getting help with ADHD she sounds like me. The impulsiveness is a dysfunction of ADHD. The anxiety goes hand in hand and usually is so life long that people suffering with it have accepted it as the way they are. The overwhelming feeling of just "one more thing" being too much to juggle can be very real when you're just barely able to successfully juggle just the everyday must dos.

Either way there's nothing you can do except to be there for the friends you have said need help right now. Set aside your other friend's perceived faults for now but set some boundaries for your own mental health. Other than that it's on her shoulders to get help for any issues and she may very well be in that process already.
This is me as well. I just recently went ahead and met with a professional to discuss adult ADD(no "H" for me) with the support of my counselor. Ironically, we came to the conclusion after many discussions regarding stress I was dealing with related to DS2. He was diagnosed with ADHD this winter and it was a bumpy road leading up to that.(he's doing much better now!) That combined with the conversations we've had in the past about the stress/anxiety I was always feeling because I'm so disorganized and always had things to catch up on led us to explore the possibility that I myself, have ADD. The idea had never ever crossed my mind. I just always thought that I am scatter-brained and unmotivated which is not a good feeling. PM me if you ever want to chat. I am feeling much better since getting help.


I'm sorry about your friend(s). It sounds like everyone is having a really tough time right now.

This post has been very informative for me. I find myself experiencing every single one of the symptoms that PPs have described for depression and even ADHD. I thought I was over this, but it seems to have morphed into something else. Wow. I'm used to my depression being overwhelming sadness. Now it's just overwhelming. Like I have a million things to do and can't start on the first one (what is the first one?!?). Sorry to hijack, OP, and make this selfish post. I feel sorry for your friend if she feels like I have been feeling.
:hug5:Sometimes it's hard to figure out which came first, the depression or the ADHD symptoms. I felt like I was always in this awful cycle. I wasn't getting things done so I felt depressed. Then it was hard to accomplish things because I felt low. Rinse and repeat. I had a great childhood/life so I couldn't understand it which is why I sought conseling. Once I looked back though, I realized that I had ALWAYS had the many symptoms of ADD. Over time I developed mild depression because I was always ashamed of myself for not doing what I needed to do and for not living up to my potential. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more about it. I'd be happy to share my experience. :)

[Globetrotter]

We were all discussing how we could get together to go to friend's dad's funeral which is about 2 hrs away by car. She called to tell me that she couldn't possibly make that trip b/c it is simply too long for her to be in the car. huh????

It sounds like it's one excuse after another, which makes me wonder why she is so adamant about not going. maybe there is something in her past that you aren't aware of, or it makes her anxious. I cannot imagine someone acting like this without a very good reason, unless she is terribly self-absorbed.

[ha98ed14]

I get this. We just don't know what makes Jane unable to hear it. BUT at the same time, she could cook up lasagna and drop it off as a "freezer meal" for either of these families. She doesn't have to stay; just ring the bell, "Here you go; thinking of you, blah blah, Bye!" Not to do *something* to acknowledge their hard times is VERY selfish IMO. Unless she's in intensive therapy, I think she should acknowledge their hard times. Just send a "thinking of you" card if a lasagna is too much.

[SoloMelody]

I get this. We just don't know what makes Jane unable to hear it. BUT at the same time, she could cook up lasagna and drop it off as a "freezer meal" for either of these families. She doesn't have to stay; just ring the bell, "Here you go; thinking of you, blah blah, Bye!" Not to do *something* to acknowledge their hard times is VERY selfish IMO. Unless she's in intensive therapy, I think she should acknowledge their hard times. Just send a "thinking of you" card if a lasagna is too much.

:yeahthat: I am one who does not know how to react/sympathize when I hear bad news. I might not be the friend who can talk about such things but I would definitely do the above or offer to watch children etc....

[luckytwenty]

Sorry, but she sounds pretty self-centered to me. Maybe she's a narcissist and can't stand it when the focus isn't on her. She seems to like sympathy.

I get really upset at the mention of children being harmed or severely ill. Our closest friends have a nephew with a liver tumor. He's 6. Made me incredibly upset to hear this news. But I didn't run out of the room with my hands over my ears because that would be a sucky thing to do. I offered my support and have called to check on them mulitple times, even though I'd rather pretend the situation doesn't exist. Sometimes you have to put other people's needs first. It's called being a friend.

[momof2girls]

Sometimes you have to put other people's needs first. It's called being a friend.

yes, that is what I mean...not to mention try to suck it up and be an adult about it!

[hellokitty]

Sorry, but she sounds pretty self-centered to me. Maybe she's a narcissist and can't stand it when the focus isn't on her. She seems to like sympathy.


This! My mil is JUST like this. It's a constant stream of, "poor me," playing victim, wanting constant attn and sympathy. However, as soon as someone else in her life has a real crisis, she makes it about herself. She will even compare the situation not being as bad as her own situation, as distasteful as that is! It becomes about how SHE can't handle the stress, how it is affecting HER health, how she WISHES she could help, etc. I have no sympathy for ppl like this. They are pathetic. I call them users. They use and drain other ppl (I find these types to have such an immense negative energy, they seem to suck the joy out of life), and when other ppl need them, they drop the ball and either cause drama or disappear into thin air.

[niccig]

I know someone like Jane. She does have a history of depression and anxiety, so I know that does come into play. She doesn't like it when people/things do not go according to plan. I've reminded her that people have their own issues and things going on, and she should be considerate of that.

As for you, I would keep supporting your friends, tell Jane about what you have planned eg. going to funeral together, but do not expect her to take part or help out. If she says something very insensitive you can say "that's an awful thing to say. Jessica is grieving for her father Jane, have some empathy." and you can try to clue her in.

[mommy111]

I get this. We just don't know what makes Jane unable to hear it. BUT at the same time, she could cook up lasagna and drop it off as a "freezer meal" for either of these families. She doesn't have to stay; just ring the bell, "Here you go; thinking of you, blah blah, Bye!" Not to do *something* to acknowledge their hard times is VERY selfish IMO. Unless she's in intensive therapy, I think she should acknowledge their hard times. Just send a "thinking of you" card if a lasagna is too much.
She may not get that, though. She may be overwhelmed enough and 'not thinking of depressing things' enough that she may not come up with the idea that this is something that she can do that does not involve emotional involvement.
OP, I think your friend is actually doing a pretty good job of setting limits. She is letting everyone know what is beyond her capacity. Whether this be because she is suffering from something, she is the only one who can tell you, but I would respect her limits and the very clear message that she is trying to convey. If you feel that even with these limits, she is an acceptable friend, stay friends. Otherwise, just move on. You cannot change other people. You can only change your reaction to what they do.

[firemama]

OP, I am so sorry for your friends. I understand your issue with Jane. I would have reacted the same way. i am very sympathetic and caring and would have found SOME way to help, big or small.

These replies about her possibly having depression and/or ADD/ADHD sound spot on. So I am sure she has some issues either from her past or present that makes it difficult to deal with these situations in a PC way. Or in a way that would seem appropriate for the situation. It is sometimes shocking what happens behind closed doors. It may be shocking or appalling that she is reacting this way, but you may be even more shocked to find out what she is really dealing with.

Sorry to hijack this thread, but I am in shock because your explanation is EXACTLY my DH, but this also might describe Jane. He is very unsympathetic and responds to other people's news with humor or sarcasm. The best way to describe him is Chandler from Friends. When he is in 'uncomfortable' situations, he makes inappropriate jokes. If someone is sharing happy news, he usually responds with sarcasm. He very rarely is genuinely happy for other people, and hardly ever says something positive or caring for them. It drives me insane. He also makes excuses for not helping friends, and usually says, 'they don't need me, I'll be in their way, let someone else do it.' He ALWAYS has excuses. And I think it seems like it is getting worse because I am finally noticing it. I always thought he was just insensitive to me, but he is like that to everyone. He thrives on being the center of attention. He loves drama and creates drama. He loves hearing about people's hard times or divorce drama, or relationship drama, anything really. But yet, he also complains about having to listen to other people's problems. He complains about people not listening to him and talking too much. Like he is upset he wasn't the one doing all the talking. It is a very weird dichotomy. It baffles me to no end.

He also plays the martyr and says things like, they don't want me around, they don't need me. He loves to play the victim and always wants sympathy from others, yet he is incapable of giving it to people. He also likes to do extravagant things for people and 'says' he doesn't want attention for it. But he thrives in it and complains later when 'no one' thanked him or acknowledged him. He calls them ingrateful and complains that he even did anything for them. An example is he sent his parents on a Hawaiian cruise for their 60th b-days because his mom always wanted to go to Hawaii and loves to go on cruises, so he figured he would send her on a cruise in Hawaii. When they came back, she said, 'it was nice, BUT we didn't really get to enjoy/see the islands because we had to spend more time on the ship. There wasn't enough time for excursions.' To this day he is extremely upset by this. He is pissed because he spent a lot of money and expected them to like everything about it. He can't stand that she said, 'I liked it, but...' i silently disagree with him because you can't be upset about how someone uses/reacts to a gift. You can't control other people. It's a gift, the receiver has the right to use/like/dislike it however they want. And as much as I despise/dislike my MIL, I have to agree with her that a cruise to Hawaii is a waste unless you have spent a lot of time there already. The bonus would be to see the islands from a cruise ship. It must be a beautiful view. But DH and I had just met, so I probably didn't feel comfortable telling him it was a bad idea.

He also loves to cook and expects people to love his cooking back. He can't stand it when anyone has constructive criticism or opinions about it. His attitude is you better like it or what is wrong with you?! He is a firefighter and likes to be the only one who cooks at the station, because he likes the attention. He complains if anyone else cooks, and complains about their meal. 'It was too expensive, too bland, too much food, overcooked, etc.' He dishes out a lot of criticism, but he can't take his own medicine. It is funny to watch when he complains about someone's behavior and can't stand them for it. And HE.DOES.THE.EXACT.SAME.THING. To a tee! Sometimes I am able to point this out, but most of the time I keep my mouth shut for fear of how he will react.

He also looks for others' approval all.the.time. If he has an idea (an example would be a restaurant), he asks almost everyone he knows their opinion about it. He talks about it like he is going to do it, but never does. I also find this embarassing because he talks a lot about doing something, then in a week, he never brings it up again. He talks the talk (A LOT), and rarely walks the walk. Then people ask him about it, and he has some excuse why he isn't doing it. It is so frustrating!

Anyway, sorry this is long. My point is Jane sounds a lot like my DH. And I think he definitely has depression, he is very selfish and self-absorbed, he was, for sure, not loved enough as a child, and did not have enough attention from both parents, he is scatter-brained and disorganized, and he was diagnosed with ADD or ADHD (not sure when this term came about) when he was younger and was put on ritalin. He didn't take or abused the ritalin, which made him even worse, and which made his parents come down even tougher on him. He was again diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and was prescribed a medication (can't remember the name), and he stopped taking it because he 'came to' at 3:00 in the morning one night, drooling on himself, watching static on the TV, and couldn't remember how long he had been on the couch. Since then he has 'dealt' with it by himself. Which explains his unusual behavior.

[dcmom2b3]

I'm sorry for the late response, I read your post earlier but couldn't reply then.

I'll be harsh at the risk of being flamed. Trauma she may have suffered in the past, depression, anxiety or ADHD she may be experiencing now all may explain her reactions to your mutual friends's losses. (IMO it doesn't b/c I think she's a narcisisst.) But, in any event, it does not excuse them.

What ever she may be suffering does not excuse her dismissive and hurtful responses. If she has some undisclosed issue she should have either given her friends a heads up to her sensitivity or excused herself from the conversation and from related events. And have done so gracefully. Her ability to withstand a 2 hr car ride should never have been the topic of conversation when the destination is a friend's father's funeral.

You need to evaluate whether "sweet and charming" + lacking in empathy and emotional skills to navigate adult life = someone that you'd truly call a friend. If she is truly a friend, I think it's time for someone to confront her on her unacceptable behaviors and encourage her to figure out how to stop them.

I say this all as someone who's had (has) a bunch of bad times (including grieving, depression and anxiety). I've often felt uncomfortable when someone else's statement, story or joke hit painfully a bit to close to home. But I don't deny other folks their freedom to express themselves. If need be, I cry on my own dime. That's what grownups do.

[niccig]

I just read the bit about the 2 hour car ride. Honestly, maybe it's best she doesn't go - 2 hours with someone complaining that it's just too long, when you're going to support a friend at her father's funeral - is probably more than I could bear. If she can't be there and be supportive to your friend, it's best that she just doesn't go.

I also wouldn't be relying on her for emotional support in the future - as others said she may have reasons that explain why she can't emotionally be there for other people or she could just be self-absorbed, either way I would use this as a learning experience and lean on the other friends who can be supportive.

[egoldber]

Trauma she may have suffered in the past, depression, anxiety or ADHD she may be experiencing now all may explain her reactions to your mutual friends's losses. (IMO it doesn't b/c I think she's a narcisisst.) But, in any event, it does not excuse them.

Well, I thought this was what I said. :) The OP asked is my friend selfish or sensitive. I think many people tried to point out that sometimes it is not such a simple dichotomy.

But knowing that someone is struggling doesn't mean you have to put up with someone who is emotionally unsupportive in your life. If you have a friend who struggles with depression or whatever, and they refuse to get help, then you need to make a decision about how much of that you want to carry in your own life. And that's a valid choice.

[wellyes]

Oh firemama, wow. You sound so frustrated. I wish I could help.


I'll be harsh at the risk of being flamed. Trauma she may have suffered in the past, depression, anxiety or ADHD she may be experiencing now all may explain her reactions to your mutual friends's losses. (IMO it doesn't b/c I think she's a narcisisst.) But, in any event, it does not excuse them.Everyone who is a jerk has a reason for being a jerk. Doesn't always make it OK.

[m448]

Well, I thought this was what I said. :) The OP asked is my friend selfish or sensitive. I think many people tried to point out that sometimes it is not such a simple dichotomy.

But knowing that someone is struggling doesn't mean you have to put up with someone who is emotionally unsupportive in your life. If you have a friend who struggles with depression or whatever, and they refuse to get help, then you need to make a decision about how much of that you want to carry in your own life. And that's a valid choice.

Precisely. While I'm able to be a caring friend despite my issues at this point all the OP can do is move on beyond the wondering stage and decide what she will do in regards to her friendship with this person. Boundaries being set, etc. She can't MAKE Jane be a better friend, she can only control her own actions.