Ok I get it - I failed at keeping a man.

[AshleyAnn]

My grandmother is staying at our house for a week. She's driving me crazy. She has spent the entire time making little comments about my seperation and how I could have prevented it or things that I do wrong that caused it. I married an alcoholic. Who lied, cheated, and was emotionally abusive. BUT if I had cooked everynight, cleaned like a fiend, and let him do whatever he wanted regardless of how I felt about it...I would have been able to love him forever. Most nights he didn't come home - it didn't matter if his favorite meal was on the table waiting, the bottle was a bigger draw. He rarely saw our house, he wasn't here a lot and he didn't care if it was clean. And what he wanted to do was drink us into the poor house and flirt with other women. And for the record I DID try all of those things. I tried everything. It didn't change who he was or what he wanted.

We attended my cousins wedding, which was an extremely evangelical ceremony. A few other family members and I were discussing this unusual (for our lutheran family) ceremony and my mom mentioned they used her vows just like DH and I did and that they were based on first corithians. I said something about not knowing they were in the bible (DH and I are not religious) and choosing them because they were my parents vows. Well my grandmother, who was not even part of the discussion, responds "WELL maybe if you had based your marriage on the bible you wouldn't be seperated right now" Thanks grandma. I could be a religious zelot and it wouldn't change who my husband is.

Most days I am ok with my impeding divorce but its hard to have it thrown in your face as "youre biggest mistake" over and over it hurts. I wanted to have a happy perfect family but it didn't turn out like I planned. I could force myself to tolerate him for forever but why would I want to? For the title of "Mrs"? Mrs what? "Mrs My-husband-gets-drunk-and-makes-my-life-hell"? No thanks.

The interesting part...the person whos been supportive and understanding when I've told them about it is ... soon to be exDH. :hug5: Even he says I did everything I could to save our marriage and he screwed it up. We're extremely civil and are both much happier apart. Even his drinking has improved.

She leaves tomorrow and I'm not particularily sad. I could go on and on about how she comments on my way of parenting and how panicky she is as a passanger in the car but this is getting LONG.

[AshleyAnn]

I know DH comes off really bad in this post. It was not as bad as it sounds but I'm under a lot of stress. Please don't quote I may edit it at a later date

[Smillow]

I'm sorry - mean people suck :grouphug:

[infomama]

You know she isn't seeing the reality, but it still hurts to hear her make remarks like that. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you know you didn't fail. Please know you didn't fail. :hug:

[crl]

So sorry. I wouldn't invite her to stay again.

Catherine

[DrSally]

Sorry, I was going to quote, but I won't now that I see your request. Looking at the 2nd to last paragraph, I just had to think to myself, "well, there you go, you made the right decision, and you can feel at peace about it".

[larig]

That stinks! Just because someone is our elder doesn't mean they're wise all the time. Your post shows just how much you are aware of that. Sorry she's being so mean.

[veronica]

Hugs, what a terrible time.

In her own twisted way, this is how she is choosing to communicate that she is sad your life has not gone better. It's tough to let those comments not hurt. I hope she can realize that you have made your life better and will continue to do so!

[liz]

Your grandmas comments were out of line and clueless. Clearly she has no experience with something like this.
I am glad she is leaving soon- this situation sounds very difficult for you. :hug:

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry your grandmother has been so unsupportive and judgemental. I would not have her over again AND I would flat out tell her how hurtful her comments are. Your DH has a problem with substance abuse and your gma blames you??? It just makes me think that she does not understand how substance abuse works, and how it can destroy other ppl involved in that person's life. To blame you just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

[BabyH]

That's terrible. I'm sorry for the things your grandma said to make you feel this way.

Additionally, I am NOT in the camp of people who believe elders get a "hall pass" to say what they want because "they've earned it..." (or varying ridiculous reasons) - when elders (even family) cross the line and become rude, it's our job to remind them that we all need to play nice and not throw sand.

[arivecchi]

I think women from previous generations were much more hung up on being with a man. They felt like failures if they were single or divorced.

That is not the case anymore.

In fact, I applaud you for leaving a bad situation. It takes a lot more strength to leave than to stay.

Ignore your grandmother and be confident in your choice.

[elliput]

:hug: Life throws us curve balls all the time. You made the best of your marriage that you could, and are now in the process of making your life better by getting out of that marriage. Your grandmother is obviously in need of some education when it comes to what a happy marriage is all about. It is not about a clean house, meals on the table or being walked all over by your spouse. It is about mutual love, respect, honor and emotional support. None of which it sounds like your soon to be XH put into the marriage.

Tell your grandmother to suck an egg. :irked:

[smiles33]

I think women from previous generations were much more hung up on being with a man. They felt like failures if they were single or divorced.

That is not the case anymore.

In fact, I applaud you for leaving a bad situation. It takes a lot more strength to leave than to stay.

Ignore your grandmother and be confident in your choice.

:yeahthat: huge hugs to you for being the confident independent woman who knows she deserves better.

This is a total guess,but maybe your grandmother did the "stand by your man" thing and is resentful you didn't do it too and validate her decision?

[StantonHyde]

Keep repeating--people's comments are more a reflection of them than of me.

Your grandmother's generation hung onto being married. My mom did and we would all have been better off had my parents divorced. You are doing yourself and your child a service by getting out of an emotionally abusive situation. Addictions are about the addict. You are so right. You can't change him. But you can get out. Good mamma!!!!

[mctlaw]

I agree with the previous posters & I hope your grandma does not cast any doubt that you did the right thing. Her ideas are way off the mark. Good for you for making a decision that takes you out of the downward spiral of a bad marriage. :hug:

[stefani]

:grouphug: I am sorry that your Grandma said those hurtful things, AshleyAnn. Can you possibly sit down with her that tell her how hurt you are? Tell her what you told us? Sometimes people don't realize about the impact of their words. You deserve her support.

[niccig]

No, your DH failed at staying sober. You didn't fail at anything.

If she says something again about a good cooked meal, look her in the eye and say "Grandma, he's a drunk. Doesn't matter if he's eaten a home cooked meal or not, he's still a drunk and he's the only one that can change that." Don't let her put the blame on you.

I've found with some elderly relative, that you just have to say things straight with them, or they keep up with all their ideas. They think they're helping, so will keep offering advice.

Sorry, she doesn't get it.

[kijip]

I am so sorry she is being like this. I echo everything the pp have said. This is her crap, not yours. You did not fail at anything. She however is failing at being a good grandma.

Religion is a lousy excuse to put up with abuse and addiction. It pains me to think of all of the women influenced to stick it out at any cost thanks to religion. My parents, very religious, never divorced but realized they were killing us all together and lived apart for the last 11 or so years of my mom's life. They were way better to each other apart. God does not want you abused. God does not want your kids learning a bad pattern. God wants you safe and loved. Staying in a bad marriage is incompatible with all of that.