Mom loses custody...b/c she has cancer.

[amldaley]

I just find this judgement unbelievable. I don't even know how to process this.

http://www.parentdish.com/2011/05/11/mom-with-breast-cancer-denied-custody-of-kids/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl7%7Csec1_lnk3%7C62187

[HIU8]

I do not know what to say. I cannot even begin to put my head around this. Wow.

I think what this tells me is that the XH hired a barracuda lawyer, has tons of $$ and is basically out to get his XW by using his kids as pawns. I could be wrong, but that is honestly the first thing that popped into my head.

[crl]

I guess I am odd man out here. Maybe I am missing something? But if a judge has a choice between an unemployed parent with serious health issues and an employed parent with no health issues, why not the healthy, employed parent? It seems like a more stable situation to me.

Catherine

[Green_Tea]

While I feel awful for that mother, I think there must be more to the story than the article tells us. And I agree with Catherine that in many cases, the healthy, employed parent might simply be the more appropriate choice.

[artvandalay]

If she has stage 4 cancer, she's pretty sick, and they mentioned it has already spread to her bones. Her getting worse is just a matter of when, not if. I would wonder how she's going to be able to take care of them in the near future.

It's a very sad situation, but I think the judge was making the best decision for the kids, not the mom.

[bubbaray]

If she has stage 4 cancer, she's pretty sick, and they mentioned it has already spread to her bones. Her getting worse is just a matter of when, not if. I would wonder how she's going to be able to take care of them in the near future.

It's a very sad situation, but I think the judge was making the best decision for the kids, not the mom.


:yeahthat:

Spend a day in family court and you quickly realize that those judges should get medals. Every.single.case is tragic -- if it weren't, the parties wouldn't be in court in the first place.

[JoyNChrist]

If she has stage 4 cancer, she's pretty sick, and they mentioned it has already spread to her bones. Her getting worse is just a matter of when, not if. I would wonder how she's going to be able to take care of them in the near future.

It's a very sad situation, but I think the judge was making the best decision for the kids, not the mom.

:yeahthat:

I also think you have to consider the fact that if they remained living with her, and she passed away, you would then have children who were processing a parent's death and a move to another state (and all the adjustment that comes with living with a different parent, attending new schools, etc) at the same time. That's a lot to put on an 11 and 5 year old all at once. This way they move in with the dad at the end of a school year, get settled in and adjusted to living with him, then start a new school in the fall, and then if/when mom gets worse, they're in a better place emotionally to cope.

I hate looking at the mother's illness and potential death that pragmatically, but I would think that's what the judge was trying to do in order to determine what was in the best interests of the children.

[ray7694]

So are you all saying if you get cancer you should lose your kids? Can you imagine a more awful thing? If they are so worried order the dad to move to North Carolina.

The kids are already establishedd where she is located. So now they get torn out and shipped to dad and can worry about their dieing mom hours away.

I am sorry but our current legal system is not always "RIGHT"

[twowhat?]

I agree that the article doesn't tell the whole story, but the most heartbreaking thing of all is that it sounds like the parents do not even have a civil relationship with each other. If they did, the Dad would probably try harder to make sure the kids stay connected to the mom, especially if the Mom played a more active parenting role (maybe she was a SAHM or something). How sad for everyone involved.

[JoyNChrist]

So are you all saying if you get cancer you should lose your kids? Can you imagine a more awful thing? If they are so worried order the dad to move to North Carolina.

The kids are already establishedd where she is located. So now they get torn out and shipped to dad and can worry about their dieing mom hours away.

I am sorry but our current legal system is not always "RIGHT"

Nobody is saying that. Ideally, the father would have figured out a way to closer to the mother and help with the kids more, while still allowing them to see her frequently. Unfortunately it doesn't appear that he was able to (maybe his job doesn't allow for relocation), or maybe he didn't want to (obviously the divorce wasn't amicable if they're in court suing for custody). Regardless, the court can't order him to move.

The judge's job was to determine what was in the best interests of the children. To determine which parent was able to take care of them in the most stable, steady environment. She determined that it was the father.

Not liking a ruling doesn't make it wrong. It's a very sad situation, and I would imagine that the judge had a very difficult time making a decision. While the knee-jerk reaction may be to say it was horrible, I think it can be a good thing to try to understand how that decision was made.

[pinkmomagain]

If they are so worried order the dad to move to North Carolina.



I heard that the dad couldn't get a job in NC and moved to Chicago for a job opportunity. The mom doesn't want to move to Chicago because of the medical care in NC. It sounds like a tough situation all around.

[artvandalay]

[QUOTE=ray7694;3137120]So are you all saying if you get cancer you should lose your kids?QUOTE]

No, that's not what I'm saying at all. People can get cancer and go into remission and never have it come back and live a perfectly normal life. But she has stage 4 cancer that is spreading. And she's unemployed. Are these kids going to end up taking care of her instead of her taking care of her kids?

I don't like it, and like I said, it's a terrible, sad situation. We also don't know the entire story.

[bubbaray]

So are you all saying if you get cancer you should lose your kids?


In some situations, yes. I say this as someone whos parents had a bitter divorce, during which my mother had terminal cancer. *I* would have been much much MUCH better off with my father.

The best interests of a child test often results in court decisions that are unpalatable to an outsider, not fully aware of all of the facts.

[boogiemomz]

I agree that the article doesn't tell the whole story, but the most heartbreaking thing of all is that it sounds like the parents do not even have a civil relationship with each other. If they did, the Dad would probably try harder to make sure the kids stay connected to the mom, especially if the Mom played a more active parenting role (maybe she was a SAHM or something). How sad for everyone involved.

She is/was a SAHM. A good friend of mine knows her well, and she is definitely the more active, involved parent. I don't know them personally, but the way I see it, if the dad cares about the kids, even if he got custody, he should make every effort to move back to NC to let them be near her. Her disease is stable right now, she is receiving maintenance treatment only and is not declining. Yes, the future is unsure, but whether she has one year or 10 or more, I don't think what's best for the kids is to move 800 miles away from her. She cannot afford to fly to see them or fly them down for her visitations, so this move would be essentially cutting her out of their lives. They are used to being with her, they are used to being in NC, they want to be here with her. If the kids do lose their mother, is it right that they were robbed of their right to even see her at all in her final years? If that were me, and I grew up to realize what had happened, I'm not sure I would ever forgive my father. From the information I have, it seems like he is using them to hurt her. I am just sickened over this.

[Globetrotter]

I agree that the article doesn't tell the whole story, but the most heartbreaking thing of all is that it sounds like the parents do not even have a civil relationship with each other. If they did, the Dad would probably try harder to make sure the kids stay connected to the mom, especially if the Mom played a more active parenting role (maybe she was a SAHM or something). How sad for everyone involved.

It's a terrible situation all around. Awful for the mom and also for the kids who may not see her in her final days (though you never know.. people do outlive medical expectations). I think it would be different if the parents had a civil relationship and the father was willing to fly the girls to see their mom once a month (if that is the case, then I think it's probably for the best, but must be financially cost prohibitive) or somehow make it work.

[Globetrotter]

They are used to being with her, they are used to being in NC, they want to be here with her. If the kids do lose their mother, is it right that they were robbed of their right to even see her at all in her final years? If that were me, and I grew up to realize what had happened, I'm not sure I would ever forgive my father. From the information I have, it seems like he is using them to hurt her. I am just sickened over this.

wow, that is a painful situation..

[AnnieW625]

I guess I am odd man out here. Maybe I am missing something? But if a judge has a choice between an unemployed parent with serious health issues and an employed parent with no health issues, why not the healthy, employed parent? It seems like a more stable situation to me.

Catherine

My thoughts exactly. My DH and I are not divorced (and have no plans to) but if I ever had to go through a divorce and it turned out amicably (I know all of them don't) I would want my children to be with someone else most of the time if I was very sick and knew I was dying. I would want my children to be in a stable place whether it was with an X+new wife, or other family including in laws.

[AnnieW625]

She is/was a SAHM. A good friend of mine knows her well, and she is definitely the more active, involved parent. I don't know them personally, but the way I see it, if the dad cares about the kids, even if he got custody, he should make every effort to move back to NC to let them be near her. Her disease is stable right now, she is receiving maintenance treatment only and is not declining. Yes, the future is unsure, but whether she has one year or 10 or more, I don't think what's best for the kids is to move 800 miles away from her. She cannot afford to fly to see them or fly them down for her visitations, so this move would be essentially cutting her out of their lives. They are used to being with her, they are used to being in NC, they want to be here with her. If the kids do lose their mother, is it right that they were robbed of their right to even see her at all in her final years? If that were me, and I grew up to realize what had happened, I'm not sure I would ever forgive my father. From the information I have, it seems like he is using them to hurt her. I am just sickened over this.

Then it's the father's right and his expense to get them to see their mother in North Carolina on alternating weekends and when the mother is truly close to death. Thanks for providing the back story.

[ray7694]

That is just awful. What man of any character does that?

[bubbaray]

I'm unclear why the dad is the bad guy here.

Surely there are decent cancer treatment centers in a major city such as Chicago?!

The judge would have had to have reasons to change the established custody relationship. Perhaps the mother should move to be closer to the children -- especially if the dad (the only employed parent) had been unable to find work where the mother lived.

[twowhat?]

I'm unclear why the dad is the bad guy here.

Surely there are decent cancer treatment centers in a major city such as Chicago?!

The judge would have had to have reasons to change the established custody relationship. Perhaps the mother should move to be closer to the children -- especially if the dad (the only employed parent) had been unable to find work where the mother lived.

Definitely good points - if I were the mom I'd want to move to chicago! Which means there is something uglier lying beneath. The parents cannot stand to be near each other, or something.

[twowhat?]

Sorry - BBB boards got me all screwed up thinking I didn't post when I did...

[bubbaray]

I'm unclear why the dad is the bad guy here.

Surely there are decent cancer treatment centers in a major city such as Chicago?!

The judge would have had to have reasons to change the established custody relationship. Perhaps the mother should move to be closer to the children -- especially if the dad (the only employed parent) had been unable to find work where the mother lived.

[MissyAg94]

I don't know them personally, but the way I see it, if the dad cares about the kids, even if he got custody, he should make every effort to move back to NC to let them be near her. Her disease is stable right now, she is receiving maintenance treatment only and is not declining. Yes, the future is unsure, but whether she has one year or 10 or more, I don't think what's best for the kids is to move 800 miles away from her. She cannot afford to fly to see them or fly them down for her visitations, so this move would be essentially cutting her out of their lives. They are used to being with her, they are used to being in NC, they want to be here with her. If the kids do lose their mother, is it right that they were robbed of their right to even see her at all in her final years? If that were me, and I grew up to realize what had happened, I'm not sure I would ever forgive my father. From the information I have, it seems like he is using them to hurt her. I am just sickened over this.

:yeahthat:This is exactly how I feel. Dad has an MBA. He can find a job in Durham. I find it extremely selfish of him to take the kids away from their home and their mom.

[MissyAg94]

She is/was a SAHM. A good friend of mine knows her well, and she is definitely the more active, involved parent. I don't know them personally, but the way I see it, if the dad cares about the kids, even if he got custody, he should make every effort to move back to NC to let them be near her. Her disease is stable right now, she is receiving maintenance treatment only and is not declining. Yes, the future is unsure, but whether she has one year or 10 or more, I don't think what's best for the kids is to move 800 miles away from her. She cannot afford to fly to see them or fly them down for her visitations, so this move would be essentially cutting her out of their lives. They are used to being with her, they are used to being in NC, they want to be here with her. If the kids do lose their mother, is it right that they were robbed of their right to even see her at all in her final years? If that were me, and I grew up to realize what had happened, I'm not sure I would ever forgive my father. From the information I have, it seems like he is using them to hurt her. I am just sickened over this.

:yeahthat:This is exactly how I feel. Dad has an MBA. He can find a job in Durham. I find it extremely selfish of him to take the kids away from their home, their school, their friends and their mom.

[MissyAg94]

I don't know them personally, but the way I see it, if the dad cares about the kids, even if he got custody, he should make every effort to move back to NC to let them be near her. Her disease is stable right now, she is receiving maintenance treatment only and is not declining. Yes, the future is unsure, but whether she has one year or 10 or more, I don't think what's best for the kids is to move 800 miles away from her. She cannot afford to fly to see them or fly them down for her visitations, so this move would be essentially cutting her out of their lives. They are used to being with her, they are used to being in NC, they want to be here with her. If the kids do lose their mother, is it right that they were robbed of their right to even see her at all in her final years? If that were me, and I grew up to realize what had happened, I'm not sure I would ever forgive my father. From the information I have, it seems like he is using them to hurt her. I am just sickened over this.
:yeahthat:This is exactly how I feel. Dad has an MBA. He can find a job in Durham. I find it extremely selfish to take the kids away from their home, their school, their friends and their mom.

[bubbaray]

I'm unclear why the dad is the bad guy here.

Surely there are decent cancer treatment centers in a major city such as Chicago?!

The judge would have had to have reasons to change the established custody relationship. Perhaps the mother should move to be closer to the children -- especially if the dad (the only employed parent) had been unable to find work where the mother lived.

[MissyAg94]

I don't know them personally, but the way I see it, if the dad cares about the kids, even if he got custody, he should make every effort to move back to NC to let them be near her. Her disease is stable right now, she is receiving maintenance treatment only and is not declining. Yes, the future is unsure, but whether she has one year or 10 or more, I don't think what's best for the kids is to move 800 miles away from her. She cannot afford to fly to see them or fly them down for her visitations, so this move would be essentially cutting her out of their lives. They are used to being with her, they are used to being in NC, they want to be here with her. If the kids do lose their mother, is it right that they were robbed of their right to even see her at all in her final years? If that were me, and I grew up to realize what had happened, I'm not sure I would ever forgive my father. From the information I have, it seems like he is using them to hurt her. I am just sickened over this.

:yeahthat:This is exactly how I feel. Dad has an MBA. He can find a job in Durham. I find it extremely selfish to take the kids away from their home, their school, their friends and their mom when so many things are uncertain for them.

[artvandalay]

I say this as someone whos parents had a bitter divorce, during which my mother had terminal cancer. *I* would have been much much MUCH better off with my father.

.

I'm sorry you had to experience this firsthand.

[Green_Tea]

I'm unclear why the dad is the bad guy here.

Surely there are decent cancer treatment centers in a major city such as Chicago?!

The judge would have had to have reasons to change the established custody relationship. Perhaps the mother should move to be closer to the children -- especially if the dad (the only employed parent) had been unable to find work where the mother lived.

I agree completely.

Getting a new job, even with an MBA, is not easy. I know this because my own DH has an MBA and has been job hunting for FOUR YEARS. I don't know all the details about the ex-husband, but there could be other extenuating circumstances that make it very difficult for him to move, too. Is he remarried? Does he have family or friends in the area who are willing to help him with the kids?

The mother is very, very sick, and unemployed. The father has the means and the desire to support and care for the children. It's a heartbreaking situation, but no matter how you slice it I don't see the dad as the bad guy.

[crl]

I feel like there is some kind of undercurrent here that moms are entitled to custody or that they should automatically be the custodial parent? I just don't get why the judge and/or the husband are the bad guys here? I feel badly for all of them, especially the mom, but the question is what is best for the kids, not what is best for the mom.

Catherine

[twowhat?]

deleted - duplicate post

[edurnemk]

Dad has an MBA. He can find a job in Durham.

:offtopic: I know first hand that having an MBA, even from a top 5 B-school, is no longer a guarantee. We had to move because DH could not find a job after graduating from Kellogg in 2009 (it took him 8 months after graduation to find something, and not even in the field he wanted). I did NOT want to move, but we did not have another choice.

[MelissaTC]

I think the situation is just difficult all around.

Mom is getting treatment at Duke and stated in an interview this morning that she finally has a great team of doctors and it has taken several years to put it together. I am a patient at DUMC and I have sat in the lab next to people who fly in from all around the world to get treatment at Duke. I can understand why she doesn't want to leave.

Dad has a job. In this economy, I can get why he wouldn't leave. RTP companies have laid off many and have hired back few.

It is just a sad situation all around. I have never been in any kind of conflict with my husband and can't imagine where they are coming from. I heard reports of affairs on both sides, etc... Things are ugly between them. Ultimately, it seems like the children will be the ones that suffer.