DH, I do not think your expectations are realistic

[HIU8]

DH and I talked last night. These are his current expectations of my contribution to the household:

1. take medical coding training course online (I want to do this--it was my idea and it's part of DH's field).
2. Continue to job hunt in my current field and go on interviews.
3. Keep my current job (part time job that I do 15 hours a week.
4. Dropoff and pickup DD and DS to preschool and school--2 different locations and different times of the day (SO I make 4 trips daily).
5. Take DS to karate 2 evenings a week

Meanwhile I'm also cooking and cleaning and doing laundry (we cannot afford a maid service etc....).

I'm pissed at DH. How on earth do I study for a certication, look for a job (jn my current field having nothing to do with the cert), go on job interviews for jobs I will have until I can get the cert and find a job having to do with the cert, do my current part-time job, chauffer the kids around (we currently cannot afford a sitter to do this).

I was honest with him and and said that keeping my current part-time job, while studying for the certification and dealing with the kids and the house was frankly enough. I do not know how I would do the cert if I got a full-time job (although I could then hire someone to take the kids where they needed to be). Plus, if I give up my part-time job before I get another position, then I contribute nothing (although I do not make much at all).

I'm pissed that DH expects me to basically do everything plus work, study and look for a job that I have no intention of keeping.

I know this is the bitching post, but am I offbase? I am not lazy. I work like a dog and I'm going all day long. I am currently working now so I can get to my kids school art show.

[StantonHyde]

How long is the cert course? If it is only a year, I would not look for another job. The job hunting is the one thing I think can go off the table.

[mommylamb]

In your shoes, I would explain it to him by showing him exactly how much time it takes you to do each of those items and why they don't fit into the day. So something like

It takes 1 hour to do drop off in the morning,
3 hours a day for the PT job
3 hours a day for job search
3 hours a day for studying
Another hour to do pick up

That equals working 11 hours a day. Tell him you cannot do 11 hours a day and still do all the chores, and that if you're going to do the other things, you need him to pick up on the housework.

[ha98ed14]

There must be something wrong with me today because I find myself hating everyone's husbands today. The cheating one, the practical joke one, and now the unreasonable one...

NO you are not offbase! If your gonna do the Wife 'n Mommy duties as they stand now, then you either need to quit your job or give up the online class/ studying. It's all about time, and there are only so many hours in a day. The worst time eater in your day, as I see it, is the to/from school runs. You can never get anything done because you are always Leaving in less than an hour to go drop off/ get someone.

Unless you can streamline the pick up/ drop offs, I don't see how you can make all these things work and not be miserable (and resentful of your DH!) Can you either extend DD's day at preschool so she stays until you leave to go get DS from school, so you are only making two trips? OR can you get a carpool going for some of the drives? Pay another mom or a college student to p/u and d/o DC? I had a friend in a similar jam, except her DH was out of state because he didn't have a job locally. She hired a college student to come in and get the kids ready for school and drive them. She picked up, but she had to be at work so early, that it wasn't worth it for her to get them up and ready and then drop them at before-care. The kids never went to daycare, or really even lost quality time with their parents. They just had someone else do the schlepping. I bring that up only to show you that it is possible to hire help just to do drop off or pick up.

Anyway, just some ideas. But, no, I don't think you are off base. :hug:

[boolady]

In your shoes, I would explain it to him by showing him exactly how much time it takes you to do each of those items and why they don't fit into the day. So something like

It takes 1 hour to do drop off in the morning,
3 hours a day for the PT job
3 hours a day for job search
3 hours a day for studying
Another hour to do pick up

That equals working 11 hours a day. Tell him you cannot do 11 hours a day and still do all the chores, and that if you're going to do the other things, you need him to pick up on the housework.

This. I think you have to put it into numbers.

[niccig]

It is too much. I'm back in school, and I was only part-time as finishing up part-time work. Next semester, I'll be full-time and no part-time work.

How intense is the certification program? How quickly do you need to get it done? If it's intense, but not too long, then the sooner you get it done, the sooner you're working in the field. If you have to take longer because juggling part-time work/job hunting, then it will be longer before you're working. So, you need to decide how quickly you need to do it, and how to make that happen.


A couple of thoughts to add to others..
If you stop working, do you need as much childcare? If you can get your study done while the kids are in school, does that mean you don't need after care etc? That can be a saving.

I think you posted about doing some work to the house. Can you put off things that are not necessary until you're done with the certification and working again? We've put off anything that isn't necessary until I'm finished. Would this give a bit more space in you budget? Once you're working, if it will be more regular than current job, you'll be able to get this money back quickly.

Cut back on the kids after school activities if you can. I'm seriously thinking of stopping piano next semester as we can make class, but can't manage daily practice. It could save some money and your time.

And yes, your DH is being totally unreasonable.

[BabbyO]

This. I think you have to put it into numbers.

Definitely Numbers make WAY more sense to most guys. The other thing that works. Have him take a day (have him do it on a Saturday if he can't take a week day off) and do all the things you do. Be sure that he factors in ACTUAL commute, dropoff/pickup time. It's easy to make it look easier/take less time when you're doing a drive by and not really waiting in line with all the other parents.

Have him do it all, including the chores, TO YOUR STANDARDS!!! DH can always clean the bathroom faster than me, but even he agrees I get it cleaner. (It baffles me how a grown man can't put as much elbow grease into cleaning the tub as I can and get it as clean, but he swears he can't).

At the end of the day see if he thinks its reasonable. Is it reasonable to do 5 days a week (we can all stretch ourselves thin for a day or two...but the day to day grind is another story.)

I hope that a good illustration of what you do day to day make him appreciate you more!

[longtallsally05]

DH and I talked last night. These are his current expectations of my contribution to the household:

1. take medical coding training course online (I want to do this--it was my idea and it's part of DH's field).
2. Continue to job hunt in my current field and go on interviews.
3. Keep my current job (part time job that I do 15 hours a week.
4. Dropoff and pickup DD and DS to preschool and school--2 different locations and different times of the day (SO I make 4 trips daily).
5. Take DS to karate 2 evenings a week

Meanwhile I'm also cooking and cleaning and doing laundry (we cannot afford a maid service etc....).
....
I know this is the bitching post, but am I offbase? I am not lazy. I work like a dog and I'm going all day long. I am currently working now so I can get to my kids school art show.

Obviously, you are not lazy; you are very industrious. I like the PP's suggestion of illustrating the amount of time required for each task. I'd venture to guess that if the shoe were on the other foot, your DH would not be able to fulfill that list either. Seems to me that your to-do list would be challenging, but doable IF:

1) you drop the job-hunting/interviewing and just keep your current p/t job

AND

2) if your DH picks up some of the household duties (make a specific list of chores and the time it takes to do them) you would be able to pursue the certification. Perhaps he could pick up some of the easily identifiable, obvious weekly duty chores (eg bathrooms, floors, maybe some grocery shopping) or childcare events that he could do over the weekend.

Not to get OT, but my DH isn't apt to take inventory himself and figure out how to contribute (eg. "Gee whiz, I could fold that pile of laundry while I am sitting on the couch watching TV", but if I am very specific (eg. "Give DS a bath, brush his teeth & put on his pjs", he'll cooperate. Perhaps your DH is the same? Your DH seems to expect you to do the same amount of housework and childcare as a SAHM, but that isn't reasonable. There aren't enough hours in the day to do everything on your list. I really believe that b/c I'm a SAHM and I know can't do it all (household & family management) by myself; during deployments, lots of things on my to-do list simply don't get done. Your DH needs a reality check. Everyone who lives in a home and is part of a family is a home-maker. Therefore, even if your DH works many hours outside the home, when he is at home, he needs to contribute so you can get your stuff done too.

[new_mommy25]

Can you make an excel spreadsheet detailing the hours of your day? Like a calendar? Then you could show DH on paper that his expectations are unrealistic. I don't think it makes sense to find another job in your field while studying for a job outside of your field? I am a full-time student and I also work 15 hours a week, take care of the house, and chauffeur my kids to a zillion different after-school activities. I think that if I worked more than 15 hours a week my head just might explode. Sorry you have to deal with this. :( I'm really guessing he does not understand just how much time it takes out of the day to do two different drop-offs, grocery shop etc. He needs to spend a day in your shoes! I wonder if making a chore chart would help? That would help ease the burden off of you. I know that my DH requires specific instructions regarding home maintenance. He will let a pile of laundry sit on the couch for weeks, but if I say, "I folded your laundry, please put it away," he will immediately do it. It's like he just doesn't see mess/things that need to be done.

[BabyMine]

I hope he doesn't mean you do that every day.

[HIU8]

That is my EVERY DAY.

DH works 12-14 hour days and his office is 1 hr away. He leaves before 7 and we normally see him by 7 or 8 pm. Weekends he does consulting work. The online course should take me the summer to complete and take an exam. Thank goodness for summer camp (both kids in the same place with the same hours, so dropoff and pickup will be together). I told him that he was being unreasonable. Plus, although we do need the $$ I feel horrible if I got a job that I only intend to keep until I finish the online course and can find another job (maybe a year tops if that long--and that is IF I can actually find a job in my current field. I'm having NO luck, hence the need to change my career path and do something I know jobs are plentiful for).

As far as home improvement, we have to replace a portion of gutter as it is falling off the house. The landscaping being done is minimal so it's not an issue. NOTHING else is being done to the house right now (basement finishing is being put off yet again). We have no $$ to pay anyone to drive the kids around, so unless a friend is willing to do it for free we are out of luck. We have scaled back so much already. Next to go is cable--which will kill DH. If I cancel it maybe he will get the message. The one thing he does do if fold the laundry if I have not gotten to it by around 10 pm (I rarely "get" to it, so it is something he does do, but really very little else).

We know that if we lived pretty much anywhere else (except maybe 4 or 5 other places) our lives would not be at all as bad as it is here. We are hoping to move once DH gets enough time with his current company under his belt (so he will be able to go elsewhere easily).

[bnme]

Doing 1, 2, and 3 at the same time do not make sense!Take your training and either look for a new job OR work your current job. Looking for a new job does not really make sense if you are planning to find something else is September. Unless you really need the money.

I just took a pt retail job after SAHMing the past 7yrs and not being able to find a career related job since I started looking in September. I am still looking very casually, and although it honestly doesn't take that much time, I just got called for 2 interviews and is KILLING me trying to juggle this with my new job, preparing for the interviews, adjusting to less time at home for housework etc. It is too much and my 2 kids are in school all day!

[kijip]

Kill cable and give him more time to help in the process! :p

Sorry he is being such a dork. As helpful as the suggestions for a time accounting/breakdown written explanation is, it sorta kinda a litltle rubs me the wrong way that a grown, productive, woman should have to feel the need justify her minutes and hours to her husband like this is a paid job and you are being evaluated for productiveness/put on notice. He is, of course, not your boss. He is your spouse and frankly I think he needs to listen when you speak.

It sounds like money issues are causing a lot of stress. I would try and find some low-no cost stuff to make sure you stay connected as a couple during a stressful year or transition like switching fields etc.

Also, I am not above lowering my expectations on the non-essentials when things are really busy around here. The house needs to be clean and healthy, but may have to be a little cluttered and less than sparkling. Dinner meal plan and don't have time for roast chicken or something complex? Soup and salad or sandwiches or similar. little stuff I know but the little time savings can add up. When my husband is slammed with school or extea shifts at work and I have a busy period at work or some terribly demanding event schedule, we adjust slightly so we don't lose our minds.