I should not be so shocked by my sisters behavior

[HIU8]

But I am.

Went to her place today to deliver a dollhouse from my father for DN's bday. She and DN were waiting outside. We were not allowed in (she is embarrassed b/c BIL is a hoarder and my sister is not "allowed" to clean up the place. My kids asked to go in to play and she flat out said NO (in a mean vicious voice that scared DD). We went to the playground across the street. It began to rain hard. We ran back to her place. DN and my sister go inside on the landing. DS follows and my sister pushes him out. She says to us (me, DS and DD), "get in your car and go home. You can't come in". She would not let us in to even use the bathroom. I got drenched and literally threw the kids into the car so they didn't get completely soaked.

I bend over backwards allowing DN to come and stay with us. I'm very nice to them. I get that my sister is embarrassed. REally I do. But she is a mean vicious person in general (has been ever since she got married actually).

I do not have to wonder why I cannot stand my sister. I know why. I hate not giving my kids the opportunity to know their cousin, but I'm at the point where I need to cut ties.

[jgenie]

:hug: Sorry your sister keeps disappointing you.

[firemama]

I am sorry you are constantly disappointed by your sister. I totally understand your issue with her.

I kind of wonder if her 'mean, viscious behavior' is not necessarily directed at you. Yes, you and your DC are innocent bystanders and she treats you poorly. But in a way she may be projecting her behavior on you instead of at your BIL (who probably deserves it). You mention that he is a hoarder and that she is not allowed to clean up, and also that she has been this way ever since she got married. From an outside perspective, it seems like she is unhappy in her marriage, ashamed of the way her house looks, and feels trapped. Maybe she is afraid of your DC getting hurt or scarred from what they 'see' at her house. Children are very perceptive and tell it like it is. Maybe she is afraid of what they will say if she lets them in her house. And possibly repeat it elsewhere, making her feel even more embarassed?

I am sure if you ask her if she wants all the same things you do (for all of your kids to be close and spend time together), she would say YES! But maybe your BIL is holding her back and keeping her from having the kind of relationships she really wants. In a way, it is almost a form of abuse, like domestic physical abuse. Women stay in these relationships all the time, and no one understands why. Maybe your sister is very unhappy but doesn't know how to get out of the relationship. Unless you are in these situations, behind their closed doors, you truly have no idea what they are going through.

Just taking a huge guess here based on your description of your sister. :hug:

ETA: Maybe she is mad at herself. Mad because she can't stand up to your BIL, mad because she feels helpless, mad because she can't invite you and your DC into her home, etc. Does she have a career/job of her own? Would she be able to support herself if they got divorced? Maybe she fears what would happen if she left your BIL, and worries about keeping her kids.

I know this is the b!tching post and you came here to b!tch about your sister, and not everyone is looking for a solution or answers. I am in no way siding with your sister or condoning her behavior. She is wrong to treat you and your DC this way. NO ONE deserves to be yelled at and shooed away. So if I am totally out of line, I apologize. Just my .02 :)

[niccig]

I kind of wonder if her 'mean, viscious behavior' is not necessarily directed at you. Yes, you and your DC are innocent bystanders and she treats you poorly. But in a way she may be projecting her behavior on you instead of at your BIL (who probably deserves it).

I agree with Firemama, I don't think you're the real target of her anger.

That said, you do need to protect your family from hurtful behaviour. There's nothing wrong with pulling back and setting up some boundaries. It's healthy to do this

[boolady]

I agree with Firemama, I don't think you're the real target of her anger.

That said, you do need to protect your family from hurtful behaviour. There's nothing wrong with pulling back and setting up some boundaries. It's healthy to do this

I agree with all of this, and it sounds like she's mortified by the condition of her home. There's a lot going on here, and you and your kids shouldn't be the collateral damage, but I don't read it as directed towards anyone in particular.

[HIU8]

I agree with all of you. However, my sister is a weak person and she is deathly afraid the the ASS@#$# that she is married to. She loses every job she gets within 1-2 years. Since graduating college (which my dad helped her study through) she has never held a job for more than that amount of time. She can do basic stuff but nothing that requires more than a tiny bit of effort (she is lazy). She is afraid that her daughter will be taken from her. BIL is very slimy and sneaky. He would find a way. He has proven that before.

There is a HUGE amount of backstory to this. My sister is a middle child. On her way down the aisle she actually said "I'm getting married first--I'm better than you" to me. This is basically how she has felt her entire life. All I have done is exist--and not to try and top her. We were NEVER close as children (NEVER). My sister treats everyone the way she treated me the other day. She is mean/rude and nasty to our mother. My mother really does not want to see her more than once a year (it's all she can handle).
I have been her fallout for a LONG time. I cannot do it anymore.