What kind of grandmother doesn't want to see her grandkids??!?

[Starfish]

Arrgh!! My MIL!

I just found this board and have been lurking a bit so sorry that my first post/intro has to be in this section! If anyone has any advice on this, much appreciated.

I've been married to DH for 10 years now and have never been close to my MIL, mainly because we never lived anywhere close. Probably met her 2-3 times before I got engaged and only about 1-2x after marriage/kids.

Since her retirement, she moved a bit closer (4hrs by car) and seriously, we only see her once a year...and that's only because we visit her. One Christmas, we offered to fly her down her since I had just had a baby but she declined saying that she was fine w/ spending Christmas alone. But, of course, my filial DH didn't want that so the five of us, incl. newborn, got in a minivan and drove 4hrs to spend the weekend w/ her! Even better, this year, my four year DS asked MIL over the phone if she was going to come visit us for Christmas and her response??!? "Oh, but I just saw you in August." Who says that???!? My DH absolutely refuses to say anything bad about his mom and says there's nothing wrong...that 'she just doesn't like to travel'. Come on! She is perfectly mobile, retired, doesn't have much of a social life or friends...I don't get it!!!

Final straw was this past weekend...I'm throwing a huge birthday party for my mom (who lives close by) and I sent his mom an invite. When she brought it up during their phone call, my DH told her that I had sent her one just to let her know about it but wasn't expecting her to come. To me, that sounded rude because I sent her one so that she would know I WANTED her TO COME to the party! So, I got on the phone to clarify but she said NO!

Me: "Umm, but it's over Memorial Day weekend and you won't need to babysit SIL's kids on Monday since school is closed. Also, it's a longer weekend so you won't feel like you're rushed visiting. Kids would love to see you since we won't visit again until Oct" (last visit was Aug 2010)
MIL: hem..haw.."Oh, no...that's ok"

Uncomfortable silence and then she said goodbye!! Worse part was that DD was standing right next to me and excitedly shouted out "Is grandma coming to nana's party?" I just burst into tears and punted that one right back to DH to explain....

Anyway, I do not get this woman at all since my family is NOTHING like this and is always asking to see my kids. She is perfectly nice to the kids and me, though we don't have much in common. And there is no backstory re: her preferring her other grandchildren..they just happen to live in same town. I just find it so bizarre and at this point, I am so IRRITATED and angered by her behavior that I really don't even want to make those once a year trips unless we're even headed up that way! :32: I know that it's probably her loss, but I feel so bad for my kids since they're older now and can understand that their GM is ACTIVELY choosing not to come see them....

Venting...refuse to waste anymore time on these kinds of people...thanks for listening.

[BDKmom]

I have a FIL who is the same. He lives 30 min from us and we see him 3-4 times per year, and 99% of the time it's because we go to see him. We visit his mother who lives a couple of miles from him, and he often doesn't come over there to see us either. We have previously driven to his house on the way back from eating out with his mother, and he wouldn't answer his door or phone. Said later that he was sleeping. He hides behind health issues a lot. I have just resigned myself to the fact that he won't be a very big part of my children's lives. But that was a difficult realization, especially since it's so different from how my family is. My parents see my son more often than FIL, and they live 10 hours away.

Doesn't seem that your MIL is very interested in getting to know your kids. I would just say her loss and move on. Stinks, though.

[jenfromnj]

I'm sorry! We have a similar issue here and it stinks--no advice, but lots of sympathy!

[StantonHyde]

My grandmother would get exceedingly anxious any time she traveled anywhere--on the verge of panic attacks. She had a great time when she got there, but getting her to go was a major ordeal. She really had some sort of agoraphobia going on.

Does she travel other places?

[Giantbear]

My wife's mom lives an hour away and has only driven to visit dd 5 times since she was born. And to cap it off, she told my wife that all of our visits to her don't count since i drove instead of my wife. I'll tell you what i tell my wife, you need to learn to accept her for who she is and stop expecting her to act differently than she does, otherwise she will ruin every occasion and make your life miserable.

[larig]

Starfish, happy to have you on the BBB. Isn't it weird when you come out from lurking? I felt like I knew all these people on the boards, yet no one knew me. Anyway, welcome.

Sorry to hear about your MIL. It's super sucky that you've been reaching out and she is so resistant to your invitations. It's certainly not your fault. My guess is that she has anxiety issues or doesn't like to be around people. Plus, I think there are some women who just don't feel the same about being a grandmother as they did being a mother.

Still, I'm sure it hurts. Sorry. :grouphug:

[Starfish]

My grandmother would get exceedingly anxious any time she traveled anywhere--on the verge of panic attacks. She had a great time when she got there, but getting her to go was a major ordeal. She really had some sort of agoraphobia going on.

Does she travel other places?


She definitely is a homebody, but she seems to make it to her niece/nephew's wedding and she did come visit us after each child was born. Nothing more, though....

[Starfish]

Starfish, happy to have you on the BBB. Isn't it weird when you come out from lurking? I felt like I knew all these people on the boards, yet no one knew me. Anyway, welcome.

Sorry to hear about your MIL. It's super sucky that you've been reaching out and she is so resistant to your invitations. It's certainly not your fault. My guess is that she has anxiety issues or doesn't like to be around people. Plus, I think there are some women who just don't feel the same about being a grandmother as they did being a mother.

Still, I'm sure it hurts. Sorry. :grouphug:

Yes, I totally believe she has some strange idea of what it means to be a grandmother. It somehow seems to me that because she's raised her two Harvard-educated and accomplished children, she feels entitled to sit back on her laurels and have all this attention lavished on her by the children and subsequent grandchildren. An example of this would be mealtimes w/ this woman....in the 12+ years I've known this woman, she's only cooked for my husband and me once, my children none. Even if we are visiting her, it will always be either my SIL/BIL or my husband making the food or picking up the tab. (In all fairness, she will pay for one meal...but only one dinner per visit, whether it's a 2 day visit or 2 week). Again, this is the total opposite of my mom who tries to pay for every meal or who insists that we come over for dinner almost every weekend "because home-cooked food is better for you than going out". Can you imagine what it was like when she came down for a 2 week visit to help out when my first was born?? (w/ next 2 kids, she didn't stay more than 1-2 nights) Again, I know that she's the one who's losing out by acting this way (and believe me, I know that my kids and I are definitely not missing anything w/ her cooking!), but I hate seeing how excited my kids get when they see/talk this grandmother when she is like this to our family! I mean, she speaks to them nicely, but her behaviors are so COLD, IYKWIM! Oh, did I forget to mention that in their entire lives, she's probably held each child only once? She's always picked them up only to put them down quickly again, complaining that they were 'too heavy'......still got 6 months before I have to see her, but I am dreading it!

I can only grin and be nice for my DH's sake, but with this history, I don't see how I can ever like this woman? For sure, she's probably thinking that I should be grateful for the fact that because of her, I have such a smart, handsome, awesome DH...yadayadayada...

So jealous of all of you who have great MIL's.....

[larig]

Yes, I totally believe she has some strange idea of what it means to be a grandmother. It somehow seems to me that because she's raised her two Harvard-educated and accomplished children, she feels entitled to sit back on her laurels and have all this attention lavished on her by the children and subsequent grandchildren. An example of this would be mealtimes w/ this woman....in the 12+ years I've known this woman, she's only cooked for my husband and me once, my children none. Even if we are visiting her, it will always be either my SIL/BIL or my husband making the food or picking up the tab. (In all fairness, she will pay for one meal...but only one dinner per visit, whether it's a 2 day visit or 2 week). Again, this is the total opposite of my mom who tries to pay for every meal or who insists that we come over for dinner almost every weekend "because home-cooked food is better for you than going out". Can you imagine what it was like when she came down for a 2 week visit to help out when my first was born?? (w/ next 2 kids, she didn't stay more than 1-2 nights) Again, I know that she's the one who's losing out by acting this way (and believe me, I know that my kids and I are definitely not missing anything w/ her cooking!), but I hate seeing how excited my kids get when they see/talk this grandmother when she is like this to our family! I mean, she speaks to them nicely, but her behaviors are so COLD, IYKWIM! Oh, did I forget to mention that in their entire lives, she's probably held each child only once? She's always picked them up only to put them down quickly again, complaining that they were 'too heavy'......still got 6 months before I have to see her, but I am dreading it!

I can only grin and be nice for my DH's sake, but with this history, I don't see how I can ever like this woman? For sure, she's probably thinking that I should be grateful for the fact that because of her, I have such a smart, handsome, awesome DH...yadayadayada...

So jealous of all of you who have great MIL's.....

your poor kiddos, it must be so confusing for them. Wow, it sounds like she is someone who had kids out of obligation, and didn't really want to. YKWIM? It sounds a lot like my 'Dh's grandmother. She is truly awful, and really mean to DH's mom. DH noticed this as a child and has no contact with her as an adult. She likes adult grandchildren better than kids, and would probably like that contact now, but she blew it as far as DH is concerned.

[hellokitty]

Starfish, I'm sorry. It sounds like you are really hurt that your mil acts this way. I understand your feelings. My father is JUST like your mil. He and my mom live an just less than an hr away from us, but he considers visiting us, "a waste of time." He even gets mad if my mom comes to visit us w/o him, since he says to her, "you are wasting your time." Yet, he travels all over the world, he will drive over an hr to have lunch and golf with friends, but he doesn't want to drive 50min to see his own grandkids. Worse yet, he bitches that he doesn't see the grandkids, enough, but the few times he comes here, he comes over, stays for 15 min and then says he has to go, b/c he has better things to do! Then he gets upset when my kids are nervous around him or start crying when he holds them, b/c they don't know who this strange man is that they barely ever see.

It is very hard to deal with grandparents like this who do not cherish their grandchildren (or at least certain ones, I know my kids are the least favored compared to my brothers' kids, b/c I am a daughter and not a son, even though my brothers all live OOS) as they should. As everyone has said, it's her loss, not yours. At least your kids have your side to get to know and as a pp mentioned, just stop having expectation of your mil. She will obviously never live up to them and you will continue being upset and disappointed. I have pretty much stopped having any sort of expectations for my in laws and my parents, they have disappointed us so much and they pretty much don't care about our feelings (only theirs), so I have emotionally detached myself from them in order to cope and not be so angry all of the time.

[StantonHyde]

At least your kids have your side to get to know and as a pp mentioned, just stop having expectation of your mil. She will obviously never live up to them and you will continue being upset and disappointed. I have pretty much stopped having any sort of expectations for my in laws and my parents, they have disappointed us so much and they pretty much don't care about our feelings (only theirs), so I have emotionally detached myself from them in order to cope and not be so angry all of the time.

My favorite quote from a therapist friend of mine "Don't go looking for milk in the hardware store". I keep repeating it over and over!!!!!

[Starfish]

As everyone has said, it's her loss, not yours. At least your kids have your side to get to know and as a pp mentioned, just stop having expectation of your mil. She will obviously never live up to them and you will continue being upset and disappointed. I have pretty much stopped having any sort of expectations for my in laws and my parents, they have disappointed us so much and they pretty much don't care about our feelings (only theirs), so I have emotionally detached myself from them in order to cope and not be so angry all of the time.

After this latest rejection, I finally realize that my MIL is never going to change and she is who she is. I just have to figure out how I can 'emotionally detach myself' without looking...what's the word?...rude? Honestly, I don't feel like talking to this person anymore, let alone call her "Mom" (she asked me to call her this after I got married). All my interactions w/ her feel so hollow and I'm sure it will be obvious to others at some point. Just don't know how to act around her the next time I see her....

[firemama]

It must be very difficult to deal with.

[jal]

I have to agree with the notion that a part of the problem might have to be with MIL not liking to travel. After a couple of odd incidences, my mom HATED to travel. She didn't have a problem driving or riding around town. But long-distance trips (i.e. trips from one town to another), he hated and avoided at all cost.

[hellokitty]

After this latest rejection, I finally realize that my MIL is never going to change and she is who she is. I just have to figure out how I can 'emotionally detach myself' without looking...what's the word?...rude? Honestly, I don't feel like talking to this person anymore, let alone call her "Mom" (she asked me to call her this after I got married). All my interactions w/ her feel so hollow and I'm sure it will be obvious to others at some point. Just don't know how to act around her the next time I see her....

I kwym. I felt the same way too. I really limit contact a lot with my dad and my mil. It is not hard with my dad, since he literally never calls me unless a) he is stuck at an airport or b) there is a power outage. I am not joking, I can practically predict when he will actually call me. I've bitched to my DH that basically talking to me is like his last ditch resort when he has absolutely NOTHING else better to do. So fine, I accept that he is just a sh*tty dad. I answer him with short responses and pretty much do not initiate further conversation. If he starts down an inappropriate path of conversation (usually bragging about how great his friends' adult children are or how sh*tty my siblings and I are/were and how disappointing we've been), I cut him off and tell him I have to go. In person, I just avoid talking to him, he is usually distracted by the kids. so it isn't as much of an issues. It is weird to me, b/c once he spends time with my kids, he seems to like it, but getting him to spend time with us is like pulling teeth. He basically always feels like he has more important things to do (and this is why he doesn't know any of his own children at all, b/c he always put his work above his family). I know it sounds cold of me to treat him like that, but he is so toxic, this is the only way I can spend time with him. For the past yr my mom has been telling us that she and my dad would like to go to WDW with us, "if you plan a trip," hint, hint. Well, we do have a trip planned, it is the wk of xmas and I will not be telling them about it until the last absolutely minute and I even have friends who have volunteered to be our fake travel buddies as an excuse for my parents not to tag along. Traveling with my parents, esp my dad is true misery, every single family trip we took with my dad was an absolutely disaster. I am not going to let him ruin our vacation too, not to mention he complains about his back all of the time and WDW is ALL walking. I reminded my mom that WDW is all walking and she was like, well he can just sit on a bench. Yeah, whatever, it's not going to happen, what fool goes to WDW to sit ona bench all day and make everyone else around him miserable? They will be pissed that we go w/o them, but if they weren't so difficult to be around, we wouldn't have had to make this type of decision. My mom is my dad's #1 enabler, so I do have issues with her too, since she has helped to create this monster and lets him treat her like dirt.

As for my mil, I am very blatant with her. She is inappropriate with her conversation most of the time and often I will not even respond to her anymore when she says something inappropriate. She has noticed and I think that she thinks that *I* am being weird, really, this is my way of not totally going off on her. She is one of the rudest ppl I have ever met, so I guess I don't feel bad about being this way with her. The stuff that comes out of her mouth is so hateful, ignorant and completely selfish most of the time, I have to do some serious tongue-biting when I am around her (I've tried to reason with her before and that always left me stewing, b/c she is unable to see anyone else's POV and that she could possibly be wrong) and I kwym about that hallow feeling. When she asks me direct questions (which is actually quite rare, she is usually so caught up with herself, she doesn't really care about anyone else), I just answer her as briefly as I can, like my dad. I NEVER offer up more info than I have to, b/c it ALWAYS bites us in the ass. This is the #1 rule that my brothers and I follow with my parents, we NEVER volunteer more info that we have to, b/c it's like opening a pandora's box of other issues that they will cause.

My DH opened his big mouth (after I told him NOT to), about our upcoming WDW trip and my mil fricking invited herself along! He told me they would not want to come with us, b/c they went a few yrs ago with bil and his kids (in which mil almost sent nephew to the ER, b/c she opened a door on his head and she also almost got into a brawl with someone at WDW b/c she was being rude, sil stepped in and stopped it). Obviously, I know his mom better than he knows her, b/c I KNEW she would invite herself along. I know it seems like I am being cold to my mil. We have a really long history and she is one of the least favorite ppl on the face of this planet to me. My best way of coping is not letting her bully her way into dominating everything (my dad is the same way, so I use the same tactics with him), which often means that they ruin events for the rest of the family with absolutely no consideration of others, by insisting everything is catered to THEIR own wishes. Also, just being curt and as brief as possible helps a lot. I always feel bad after I see my mil or my dad, they both have this negative aura about them. I cannot explain it, so try my best not to get sucked into their web, even with bracing myself, I still always am in a horrible mood after spending time with either of them.

I hope you can figure something out. I would just stop trying to include your mil in anything. If SHE wants to see you guys, let her make the effort. You should not have to bend of backwards every time she suddenly decides that she wants something, but when you guys want to do something, she is always disinterested and rejects it (this is the same thing with my parents and in laws). Save yourself the grief, spend time with your side, they sound like they are much healthier for you and your family.

[BabyBearsMom]

:hug: That is hard and lots of us understand. I have a...strained relationship with my MIL. She lives an hour away but rarely comes down to see DD. She insists that we come to her, which involves packing up DD, our stuff and our dog, which is clearly a lot of stuff. We constantly invite her to come down and visit and even stay with us (she doesn't work and FIL travels all the time, we are the closest of all of her children) but she always refuses because she is so "busy" (mind you, she does not work, all of her kids are grown, she does not volunteer, she literally does NOTHING). But to add insult to injury, she CONSTANTLY complains that she never gets to see DD and that my parents (who live an hour south of us) see DD all time time. Um yes, that is because the drive to our house at least twice a month to see DD. Also, she flies about once a month to my SIL's house to see my neice. She actually sees my DN more often than DD even though we live 45 miles away and DN lives 360 miles away. I don't know if she feels uncomfortable in my house or what.

In the end, I am still really bitter about it, but I try to stay positive about it. I just think about how it is good for my sanity that we see her rarely. Sigh.

[niccig]

You can add me to the chorus of people who have grandmothers that don't want to see their grandchild.

Granted my mother lives on the other side of the world, so there isn't a lot of opportunities, but they haven't visited in 3 years. They were talking about coming Summer 2010 and I was trying to get a commitment out of them in March, so I could book DS's summer camp. She refused to commit and ended up saying that they were too busy and had too many commitments - tennis and volunteer commitments. I was majorly annoyed.

This year, I did not ask at all about if they would visit or not. I made all our Summer plans as I'm back in school. MIL (who is great) made plans with us in March to spend time with them in July. My mother called 2 weeks ago to say they want to come over the Summer. I get out my calendar and go through everything that is booked/paid for - turns out we have 2.5 weeks available (and one of those weeks, DS is in half-day soccer camp). She's now annoyed that out of 12 weeks, we only have that small window. I simply said "we have to book camps in March so I have coverage for Summer school and when my classes go back in August. You can still come, but we have some plans those weeks."

I highly doubt they will come visit, as she does not like her schedule to be arranged around DS - she actually told me her schedule would not be dictated to by a child on their last visit, when I wouldn't go shopping with DS for 8 hours, and I had to go pick him up from preschool.

I figure it's her loss. And yes, my DS is not as close to her as she wants. I had a big argument with her on our visit at Christmas, and she can not understand why he won't willingly give her hug - maybe because all he knows of you is that you shop and you criticize everything that anyone else does??

Anyways OP, you are not alone.

[Starfish]

Thanks all! It's definitely so hurtful to have a MIL like this and so hard to believe that there are more grandmas out there who are similar!!! Thank you all for letting me know your stories...stay strong!:grouphug: