ok mamas, put me in my place...

[Reyadawnbringer]

This may come out like a rant, but I am really looking for advice.

I am off this friday and monday for memorial weekend holiday. We had planned to go visit MIL and StepFIL in their new retirement home which is about 6hrs from here. We plan to arrive fri afternoon and stay until sun evening driving back home late so that DS will sleep in the car on the way home. We just finalized the plans and last minute timeline with MIL yesterday.

Later on last night she texts me to let me know that StepFILs daughter will also be coming to spend the weekend with her toddler. This upsets me for many reasons. I don't exactly get along with StepSIL, which is w/e. But mainly, DS hasn't been able to have a lot of social interaction since he left daycare. I understand that he needs to be around other kids, but he has such a hard time with the chaos of so many people. He begins to act out and is extremely stubborn. I understand that he needs to learn how to cope with this, but I am not up for dealing with behavior issues while we are out of town and he will already be in a strange place with a different schedule.

Add on top of that, the fact that DS's development and behavior is constantly compared to the other toddler and it just ends up not feeling like the nice relaxing weekend we had hoped for. I just really don't feel like going now and having to deal with all this. I feel hurt the stepSIL is encroaching on our weekend there when we are travelling 6 hrs to get there and she is only 45 mins away and can visit whenever she wants (which I have been told is never). I am also frustrated with MIL because if I had known someone else was going to be there then we would have planned for another time. MIL does not know how to divide her attention well, so someone always gets left out and I am afraid it will be DS since he is super shy and may begin to act out.

I am seriously on the verge of an anxiety attack when I think about going, but DH and a friend IRL have told me that I am overreacting and that DS and I have to sometimes do stuff we don't want to do. While I understand that and agree with the sentiment, I do NOT think it applies in this case.

Will I look like a selfish witch if I cancel the trip this weekend and go another time later this summer?

ETA: please don't flame me. I already feel like a failure wife and parent for various other reasons, and I just don't feel like highlighting those failures for a whole weekend with the inlaws.

[BabyBearsMom]

I don't think that it makes you a selfish witch if you cancel the trip and go another time. But, if it were me, *I* would probably just suck it up and go and deal with it as necessary. Maybe it will go better than you think?

[arivecchi]

I would skip it. It's a long weekend and you should be able to enjoy it too.

I would just say that you will go another time so that it is not as crowded.

[gatorsmom]

I am seriously on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Will I look like a selfish witch if I cancel the trip this weekend and go another time later this summer?



Who needs more stress in their lives? Seriously, cancel the trip and don't feel even a twinge of guilt. As I read your post, the first think I thought was there is enough stress in our lives. Back out and think about rescheduling for another weekend. It's not like you have a plane or hotel reservation to deal with. Tell DH and your friend that you cope with enough in your life, this just won't be the best weekend and that's it. They aren't allowed to deal out more grief.

Having kids means you have a handy excuse for backing out of things at the last minute. DS might just start to feel a little warm on Friday. You wouldn't want to expose everyone in the retirement home to a potential fever...

Seriously, plan for another weekend and don't think twice about it. :hug:

[TwinFoxes]

I don't think that it makes you a selfish witch if you cancel the trip and go another time. But, if it were me, *I* would probably just suck it up and go and deal with it as necessary. Maybe it will go better than you think?

:yeahthat: Is it possible SSIL is trying to get the cousins to know each other better? Maybe she doesn't like your MIL, and she's trying to visit when she'll have a buffer. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Gena]

I comepletely understand and have been in situations that are somewhat similar. The difference is for us is that my MIL and BIL/SILs all live very close to each other, so when we would visit it meant seeing everyone all the time. (The funny thing is that now that we live near them, we don't see them all that much.)

Are you staying at a hotel? If you are not planning to, you should consider it. A hotel room gives you and your DS a place to retreat to when he (or you) get overwhelmed by too much family or other stumuli. There were many times I encouraged DH to stay and catch up with his family while I took DS back to the hotel to settle down or go for a relaxing swim.

[katydid1971]

Hugs :hug5: you are a good mommy and don't let anyone else make you feel otherwise. Can you call MIL and tell her that you think it would be too much for DS if SSIL and DN come too. Maybe she would make their visit just an afternoon. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your family so don't feel badly if you decide to cancel.

[Reyadawnbringer]

:yeahthat: Is it possible SSIL is trying to get the cousins to know each other better? Maybe she doesn't like your MIL, and she's trying to visit when she'll have a buffer. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I would think this except that the last time the three of us got together (stepSIL,MIL and I) it went not so good... StepSIL who has a degree in child psychology went on and on about how "retarded" her class of 2 and 3 year olds are at the daycare she worked at. That's all that came out of her mouth the whole time. I don't want to deal with that and give her ammo to call DS "retarded" because he doesn't talk as well as her toddler, etc.

[katydid1971]

I would think this except that the last time the three of us got together (stepSIL,MIL and I) it went not so good... StepSIL who has a degree in child psychology went on and on about how "retarded" her class of 2 and 3 year olds are at the daycare she worked at. That's all that came out of her mouth the whole time. I don't want to deal with that and give her ammo to call DS "retarded" because he doesn't talk as well as her toddler, etc.
:47: I saw on Oprah once that she tells people that she doesn't allow "hate talk" around her and I have taken that stance too. I have told people to not say those things or not to talk with me or my family. The "R" falls into hate talk when used like that, she should know better. If she says anything like that to you again tell her to "Shut the F up!!" And then come here and tell us about it. ;) The fact that she uses talk like that means that she is not as good a mommy as you are, remember that.

[TwinFoxes]

I would think this except that the last time the three of us got together (stepSIL,MIL and I) it went not so good... StepSIL who has a degree in child psychology went on and on about how "retarded" her class of 2 and 3 year olds are at the daycare she worked at. That's all that came out of her mouth the whole time. I don't want to deal with that and give her ammo to call DS "retarded" because he doesn't talk as well as her toddler, etc.

Holy cow! In that case, I'd probably not go, and probably tell MIL I don't like the language SSIL uses. I wouldn't want my kids around someone like that. So sorry.

[BabyBearsMom]

I would think this except that the last time the three of us got together (stepSIL,MIL and I) it went not so good... StepSIL who has a degree in child psychology went on and on about how "retarded" her class of 2 and 3 year olds are at the daycare she worked at. That's all that came out of her mouth the whole time. I don't want to deal with that and give her ammo to call DS "retarded" because he doesn't talk as well as her toddler, etc.

Okay....well then I might retract my first recommendation and say that you have come down with a "cold" and will just have to reschedule (and make sure that StepSIL doesn't know when).

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would go. Maybe sil is coming because she wants to see you and family. 45 minutes away can be a legitimate deterrent to regular visits. I'd look at the positives of getting together and be optimistic

Beth

[mackmama]

I would skip the visit. It sounds stressful and not at all what you (or your DS) need right now. Follow your heart, trust your own instincts, and don't take on the guilt. If you plan a future visit, I think it's okay to preface it by saying you'd like it to just be your family since that's more manageable for DS right now. :grouphug:

[Melaine]

Holy cow! In that case, I'd probably not go, and probably tell MIL I don't like the language SSIL uses. I wouldn't want my kids around someone like that. So sorry.

:yeahthat: Totally unbelievable!

OP, I really really really hear you on this post! I tend to have a lot of anxiety surrounding travel and family get-togethers and up until very VERY recently the girls have been so incredibly difficult in social situations like that. In your case, I'm sure I would cancel the trip but also feel really guilty doing so. I hope you can cancel without feeling guilty, because I think your reasoning is totally valid.

[firemama]

Wow. I would definitely skip the visit. I wouldn't want to be around someone who uses that kind of language either. And she has a degree in child psychology??? You are not overreacting! Have a nice, calm, peaceful weekend at home with your family. I think your DS suddenly came down with a (cough, cough) cold. ;)

[Kungjo]

Stress and anxiety can seriously impact your health. If you would really rather go on a quieter, less crowded weekend (when SIL isn't there) then do it. I wouldn't have a problem canceling a trip if you're not comfortable with it. Tell them that you're not feeling well and may be coming down with something so you'll have tomake it on another weekend. No biggie.

[arivecchi]

You know what, I always listen to my gut feelings when it comes to trips. Whenever I have a bad feeling, I usually end up having a lousy time.

Listen to your gut. No need to be a martyr.

[Melaine]

You know what, I always listen to my gut feelings when it comes to trips. Whenever I have a bad feeling, I usually end up having a lousy time.

See, that's the problem with me. I always have a bad feeling....so I really can't trust that.

[mommylamb]

I don't think that it makes you a selfish witch if you cancel the trip and go another time. But, if it were me, *I* would probably just suck it up and go and deal with it as necessary. Maybe it will go better than you think?

:yeahthat: I'd probably suck it up and go. Sadly, I think you're in a no win situation because it sounds like it will be stressful to go, but if you don't go your DH might be annoyed/upset (if he thinks you're over reacting) so not going could cause even more stress. But, if he won't give you sh*t about cancelling, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.


I would think this except that the last time the three of us got together (stepSIL,MIL and I) it went not so good... StepSIL who has a degree in child psychology went on and on about how "retarded" her class of 2 and 3 year olds are at the daycare she worked at. That's all that came out of her mouth the whole time. I don't want to deal with that and give her ammo to call DS "retarded" because he doesn't talk as well as her toddler, etc.

Ok, that's just offensive. Honestly, if she says something like that again, I'd call her on it and use that as your reason why you won't do any future visits while she's there. Anyone who has a degree in child psych should know better (as should the rest of us, but especially someone with that background).

[MMMommy]

I would probably cancel and reschedule at a time when StepSIL will not be there at the same time. Why is StepSIl visiting at the same time as you, when she only lives 45 minutes away? Is she making an effort to try to see your family? If not, I find that to be annoying that she has to time it at exactly the same time when she lives so close.

I wouldn't hesitate to reschedule your visit for another time. It's just not worth the stress and hassle. It should be an enjoyable time for you and your family. With the presence of StepSIL, it sounds like it would not be enjoyable.

[mackmama]

There is a new PSA that might be timely to show your StepSIL...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/25/the-r-word-jane-lynch-la_n_866674.html

[bisous]

If DH is cool with it, I'd cancel without regret. I'd reschedule, though, and hope for a weekend without Step SIL.

It seems to me (if I recall correctly) that you have a lot of stress in your life right now and your weekends need to be relaxing. Family will understand that. Send your love in other ways and call it a day!

JMHO!

[g-mama]

There is a new PSA that might be timely to show your StepSIL...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/25/the-r-word-jane-lynch-la_n_866674.html

So glad you posted this. I posted this on my FB page today. It's absolutely deplorable that a child psychologist, and one who works with 2 and 3 -year-olds talks like this. I would steer clear of this person at all costs. It's very telling about the kind of person she is.

[mom2one]

I would NOT go. Life is just to short. Reschedule for another time later in the summer.

[mackmama]

I would NOT go. Life is just to short. Reschedule for another time later in the summer.

:yeahthat: You know, this is such timely advice for me, too. Life *is* too short! Thank you for that reminder - helps me too. OP - I hope it helps you too! :)

[Reyadawnbringer]

Well ladies, thanks for your advice. I had really thought about sucking it up and going anyway, but then we heard from MIL that stepSIL was bringing her new boyfriend to meet the fam and that was it for me. I knew then that we wouldn't have a meaningful visit and decided to cancel.

DH told MIL that we weren't feeling well and would just stay home. After a wasted trip to Houston on friday in an attempt to get our textbooks I decided to go to the minor care clinic before I headed home because my head was killing me and the pain in my ears was getting worse. I found out that I had a sinus infection and double ear infection. The pain had been building up for just over a week and hit a tipping point on friday.

The last few days have sucked. We stayed home and tried to relax/rest, but I hurting and tired and so I am fading in and out of a series of naps. Luckily it is just me that is sick and DH and DS are fine. Tomorrow is my last day off and then back to the crazy grind tuesday.

Thanks everyone for convincing me that it was ok to cancel the trip and not feel guilty. I would have been soooo much more miserable had we gone and I dont feel one bit guilty for staying home.

[mommy111]

Late to this, but good for you for cancelling. Life IS too short!
So sorry about the ear infection, I hope yu feel better soon. Sinusitis is horrible!!