Great, some kid told DS where he is supposed to put his private parts, help!

[SammyeGail]

:32:

I'm sort of mad, but more confused at what I'm supposed to do now! Earlier today DS was talking about the front opening of his underwear, you use it to pull out your penis and pee. Yes, thats right DS. (trying to promote standing for him, he sits mostly).

Then blow my mind away he says pointing at his penis 'I put this in a girl.' I heard him clearly the first time, but I casually said 'what? i didn't hear what you said?' He repeated it again. I kept a confused look on my face and asked him who told him that? He said a boy. I asked him was it in Ms. X's class (his current school), he said no. I asked him if it was in Ms. Y's class, he left there in Dec.
He said no. He said it was at his brother's school. Its a special needs school that he went to some, to help with his AD/HD traits. I asked if he knew his name, he said Ian. There is no Ian's in any of his classes, but DS has some speech problems, so it could be any variation.

Thats all really besides the point, I knew this was very likely to happen, but not in Pre-school! Jeez! I'm assuming its been recently, so from his class here.

I told him that was grown-up stuff and he should only talk to me or Daddy about that. He does not have a grasp on privacy, sigh, so I tried to be adamant, like it was a secret. For now that's what suits his personality. He never meets a stranger and will say anything.

How do I handle this further? I don't think its best to just drop it. I don't know! I did tell him that some 'boys' just say things, it doesn't mean they are true or know what they are talking about. Again, that is a grown-up thing and the boys would not know about it because he wasn't a grown-up. DS is in the 'Why?' stage so its getting tough cos I run out of answers I can give him.

Last weekend DH's older son came to visit with his girlfriend. DS came out of the bathroom and tells them 'I put my shorts back on so you didn't see my underwear.' They looked confused and I was embarrassed. Everyday DS gets home from school, after the first time he pottys he will leave his shorts off. I've been battling with him to keep them on because you're not supposed to sit around in your unders, no one is supposed to see your underwear. 'wwwwwhhyyyyyy???' Arg! So he has to tell them, and then says 'Mommy has on underwear too!' :bag

[deborah_r]

Wow, the first part I don't know what to tell you. My oldest is 8 and he still hasn't figured out (to my knowledge) that his penis has any other purpose than peeing. I'm sure someone has better advice than me on that. (wondering if I should have already explained to him, but I really don't want to!)

As for being in his underwear at home, I'm not seeing the problem. My boys are constantly running around in their underwear. In front of guests, no - but family guests? Eh. I have no energy on that fight. I'm not sure why you were embarrassed. And I definitely don't know you would be embarrassed that he said you have underwear - everyone does!!! :)


ETA: My concern would be for the boy who told him about a penis goes inside a girl. Although, it could be that child just heard it from another child (because conceivably your child could now go telling other children that - people might think that means your DS has been exposed to something inappropriate at home - which is what I was thinking about the boy who told your DS - but we know that is not correct in your DS's case, so maybe it is not the case for the child who said it to your son). That was way more long-winded than I intended, but I hope it makes sense. Basically saying, while I might be concerned about the source of the information, I'm not sure there is much you can do about that. Important now seems to be finding a way to make your DS understand he shouldn't talk about it around others.

[KrisM]

Wow, the first part I don't know what to tell you. My oldest is 8 and he still hasn't figured out (to my knowledge) that his penis has any other purpose than peeing. I'm sure someone has better advice than me on that. (wondering if I should have already explained to him, but I really don't want to!)

As for being in his underwear at home, I'm not seeing the problem. My boys are constantly running around in their underwear. In front of guests, no - but family guests? Eh. I have no energy on that fight. I'm not sure why you were embarrassed. And I definitely don't know you would be embarrassed that he said you have underwear - everyone does!!! :)

I agree. I have no advice on the first part either.

My rule at home is that they have to have at least underwear on. DD would rather be naked all the time, but I'd rather have her in underwear. And, around family, that's fine too. Even if this isn't your rule, 5 yos just say those types of things.

[janine]

And I agree too - first part would bother me and I would want to find out who is telling him this stuff.

The underwear thing is no big deal to me. DD talks about underwear all the time - during laundry time she'll say "that's mommy's underwear, that's daddy's stinky underwear." haha. That part is harmless to me and seems like it's likely to come up during potty training.

[BabyMine]

Most likely the other child heard it from somewhere else but my response would be " yes you are right. Do you have any questions?" If nothing then that's it. I had a little girl in M's Pre-K class tell everyone about sex. She has an older brother at home and her mom is a Dr. She tells things bluntly if her kids ask and in detail. She went around telling all the other kids and me. She was just repeating what she heard but they had no meaning to them. They were just words.

[deborah_r]

Been thinking about this more
I guess my approach would be this:

As poster above said, ask if he has any questions. Then I'm thinking maybe just very specifically change the wording from "a boy puts this in a girl" to "a man puts this in a woman" - to bring home the point that this is not an activity for children. Now, I'm not sure about that, because I fear the questions that will follow, but since it is already in his head, I'd try to reframe it, to make sure he understands this is *far* in the future for him!

Ideally I'd hope he'd forget about it, but only you know your child best to know if that is likely.

[bubbaray]

My kids have both attended a sex-ed session at DD#1's school. Age range was intended to be K-G3 (older kids had a separate session), DD#2 (age 4) was allowed in after I asked the instructor (at the parent-only session the week prior). This was an optional lecture, at night (not during instructional time). It was EXCELLENT. Correct anatomical terms were used and it was very much biologically/functionally correct.

*I* would tell your DS that it is something a man puts into a woman to make a baby. And leave it at that.

FWIW, the theory behind the session we attended was that children who know the correct terminology and biology about human anatomy are statisically less likely to be victims of sexual assault. So, *I* don't think its a bad thing what he knows, you just might want to re-frame it as being something that is not done by children. And if it is, he needs to tell a trusted adult.

[SammyeGail]

Sorry to sound like it was a big deal about him announcing he put his shorts back on. I was just a bit embarrassed. I laughed at him saying I had on underwear too, told him yes I did, and clothes because we don't need to let other people see our underwear!

We rarely, aprx. once a year, see DH's older son. So I get a bit nervous around him. I commend him, at 21 he works full time and takes 4 college classes a semester. His major is computer science and he's doing excellent!

So being in unders at home is not unusual. What the boy told him, totally wrong! Yes, I do want to know who told him, but school is out here already. I may be able to reach his teacher tomorrow.

It reminds me of when my older sisters decided to tell her DD about the birds and bees when she was 3. I was 14 and as freaked out as everyone else. Sis was pregnant w/ her twins so she decided to tell her 3 yr old how it happened! I personally would have never done that, my niece was the girl in school telling everyone else about it!

[bubbaray]

The training my kids went to, the company also does training for preschools. I don't think age 3 is too young to know proper anatomical terms and function.

Education = safety IMO.

[boolady]

The training my kids went to, the company also does training for preschools. I don't think age 3 is too young to know proper anatomical terms and function.

Education = safety IMO.

I agree, and I think it's entirely possible that this child was told about the reproductive function of his penis by a parent or other person who was answering a question about pregnancy or childbirth or for safety purposes. In this instance, I wouldn't think it indicated something was wrong, nor would I necessarily make a big deal out of it, but that's just me.

[Multimama]

Education = safety IMO.

I agree with this point. I also think you want to be very careful telling your son that it is a secret. This might make it easier for someone to convince him to keep it a secret if he is a victim of abuse. (Which most abusers will try to do.) He might remember that you said it was a secret and be willing to keep the secret because of that. The more openly kids can talk about this stuff, the less likely they are to be victims of abuse. At least that's what makes sense logically to me. It's embarrassing as an adult, but safer for kids and ultimately will probably help them as they mature and are able to have open communication with their partners as well.

But I don't know what I would have said! I would have been so surprised!

[billysmommy]

The training my kids went to, the company also does training for preschools. I don't think age 3 is too young to know proper anatomical terms and function.

Education = safety IMO.

I totally agree. Both our boys know the basics. They were asking questions so we had them attend a class very similar to the one Melissa talked about. They were 7 and 4 at the time. Ds1 has had a couple of other questions since that we have answered without extra details.
My dad is a Dr and we were given info as we asked about it growing up. DH and I much prefer them learning it from us instead of other kids so we know they are getting correct info with correct terms.

[deborah_r]

For those who have explained this to their children, how do you handle it when they ask if daddy and mommy do that? Because I think my 8 year old would think it was the funniest thing ever and we'd never hear the end of it. But I could be wrong (I hope!) I can't even imagine telling my almost 4 year old about this. I've gotta say, I don't think he would understand.

[bubbaray]

The key to the education seminars is that it is explained in a completely age appropriate way IMO.

The teacher told the kids that this was something that adults do.

I am waiting for my girls to ask "is this how you and daddy made us" -- because it wasn't (both my girls are the result of fertility treatments). For now, they just assume that that is how they were made. I will be telling them, when they are older and can understand better, that they are the product of fertility treatments.

Both of my girls seemed to completely accept and process the info they received. I will try to post links later.

[deborah_r]

Anyone have book recommendations? I know I've seen people recommend them, not sure how to search for it specifically. I'm thinking DH and I have some work to do. Thanks!

[MelissaTC]

I have had a series of talks recently with M. The two books we used are It's Not the Stork and It's So Amazing by Robie Harris. M knows the core details and told me he had been curious for some time. You may be surprised by what they know!

[m448]

Definitely agree that it's never to early to talk openly about our bodies, sex, etc. to kids. Mine are 7 1/2, 5 1/2, 2 1/2 and 10 months old.

The older two know that moms (including me) menstruate. The youngers haven't seen it happen because it hasn't happened yet. LOL The older three have been present for their younger siblings births. They've been prepped before hand, they're familiar with our bodies (we're modest but not prudes and as young kids they would see us getting dressed, etc.) They know the names for a penis, vulva and anus. The older two understand at different levels how a baby is made/born.

Last year the final piece of the puzzle came up for discussion after we read a book. My older one asked after the part that explained the mechanics, "do you and daddy do that?" I answered yes and he looked at me :eek: and then we quickly moved on. That was the only time in the last 7 years I've felt slightly uncomfortable but realized it that I had to continue to answer their questions honestly and blase so they would realize we have street cred kwim? ;)

[SammyeGail]

Thanks for the replies and outlooks. I'll be doing some research on how to tell him properly, not what he hears other boys say. DH said he heard that stuff starting in 1st grade, & that was a long time ago!

Also, to make it more clear, I didn't tell him it was a secret, that was my phrasing in the post. I just wanted DS to know it's private and should not be talked about with just anyone he meets. that's my phrasing, he talks to anyone & everyone, I worry about it. I've talked endlessly about it to him but he still does it.

Anyway, didn't mean to cause any confusion with using the word *secret*! DH wants to sweep it under the rug, both our parents never talked with us about this stuff, but I guess it's best to get it over with! Don't like my babies growing up!

[scriptkitten]

my mom explained sex and sexual organs and reproduction to me by age 5. she drew diagrams, spoke clinically, and then explained about how it should saved for marriage because it was sacred, etc etc.

conversations about reproduction were repeated and the fact that sex was sacred was emphasized heavily and without shame.

turns out i had surgery for an ovarian cyst when i was 12 and Drs were BLOWN AWAY when they realized that i understood exactly what the implications of having my ovaries removed would be before it was explained.

i also grew up with a high respect for sex.. i didn't have sex until college and i am now married to that same man. obviously, knowing the details about sex didn't turn me into a teenage sex fiend.

anyway... since the gates have been opened i'd educate your son about the truth before someone else does it for him.

[dogmom]

I was brought up by parents that somehow came to the conclusion that as soon as I asked questions I would be told answers. (I'm not sure how this happened, wasn't the norm in our social group/time period. My mother was told on the eve of her wedding when she asked her mother where to babies come from that she was too young to know.) So I was prepared to have this discussion with my kids early. I was not prepared for my DS to have no interest. "Do you want to know where babies come from?" "I know that, their mommies' bellies." "Do you want to know how they got there?" "No."

Finally, at the age of 8, when talking about his female hamster and he thought he might have to be concerned with babies I said, "No, you need a male hamster also." Then he said, "Why, hamsters don't get married." I explained that males have a part in making babies as we were walking out the door of the animal shelter. In the care he was, "What's the man's job?" (Which my DH thinks is a great question.) So the whole penis/sperm/vigina/egg/DNA talk came about. Long pause from the back seat then "Akward!" pause, "And yuck!" My 4 yo thought this was hilarious. But, it was helpful because I worked this into a discussion about private parts and why other people should touch them or look at them, especially adults. He was, "OH! that's why they call them private parts." I think the school has pretty clear rules about touching other kids, etc. So he's already got the idea that he would try to put anything in a girl, besides the whole yuck factor.

I think this would be much easier and more obvious if we all lived around farm animals.