DS being hit/kicked - need advice

[KrisM]

Today, I drove by DS1's school when he was out for recess. DS2 wanted to wave :). I do this probably once a week or so. Anyway, today, I spotted DS1 and watched for a minute and saw him playing with 1 friend, who I could identify, and then saw 2 others hit and kick him. I watched for longer, and those 2 would run off and then come back to hit DS1. At first, I couldn't tell if maybe it was a 'game' they were all playing or not. But, after the 3rd return, DS1 was definitely putting his head down, turning his back against them, and walking away.

At this point, I turned my car around, parked, and went in. I figured I'd go out to the playground and see if I could at least identify the 2 boys so I could talk to DS1 about it. As it turns out, I ran into DS1 and his friend coming into the school because DS1 had been hit in the nose and they were off for ice. I asked him who the boys were and he told me. I asked what they were doing and he said they sometimes hit and kick him.

Down to the office we all go and he tells the worker that the boy 'bumped into me', which is NOT what he told me 5 minutes prior.

I talked to the principal, who I really like, and she is going to talk to the 2 boys. And, she's going to make sure more supervision is on that area of the playground.

DS1 has told me before that these boys are 'mean' and he doesn't like them. He was in class with 1 of them last year, too. DS1 tends to steer clear of the kids he thinks are mean or who tend to get it trouble at school, and I trust his judgement based on what I've seen at various times.

I don't know what to do at this point. I am pretty good friends with the mom of one of the boys. Do I talk to her? Or just let the school handle it? We only have 2 weeks of school left for the year.

I'm not sure what to say to DS either. I've told him that things like that aren't right and he should tell an adult if he sees kids hitting others, including himself, but obviously that isn't happening.

I do plan on hanging out watching the playground for the next 9 days of school, just so I know what's happening.

Any advice?

[bubbaray]

*I* would definitely talk to the mom about what you witnessed. Even if it was a "game", it is unacceptable behavior. I think making time to stay on the playground for the next while is a good one.

I'm so sorry, that must have been really horrible to watch. :hug:

[ABO Mama]

That is really horrible! You talked to the principal already, but also talk to the teachers, and any yard duty people you see out there as well. I would also talk to the mom that you are friendly with. I'm sure she would want to know that her son was hitting.

[sste]

How awful to watch, I agree.

Some posters here (I think Nicci?) have some good suggestions about teaching kids to cope with these behaviors. I taught my much younger son to look the other kid in the eye and say in a "big, strong voice" I don't like that. I think by elementary the strong voice and looking in the eye are still key and maybe "Stop hitting me" and if the behavior doesn't stop, then "I am going to get the teacher if you hit me again." I have also worked with him on avoiding kids who play too rough. I know your son tends to do that anyway but can you sit down with him and ask him what he thinks is the best "recess plan" for avoiding these kids. I would try to empower him by hearing what he has to say, ask some questions, and check in with him to see if his plan is working.

I personally probably would not call the parent unless it happened again. I think there is something to gradual escalation so you still have things to do if the principal's plan doesn't work.

I think I understand how you are feeling. My first impulse with these things is to want to take the other kid down like a gazelle on the savanna. But, if you have a situation that is a little bad but not too bad and your kid can possibly manage it, particularly with the principal's enhanced supervision . . . then it might be a kind of learning/empowering opportunity for your DS.

[pinkmomagain]

I would not call the parent. My rule is...if it happens in school, I call the school and let the school handle it. Hopefully, they will handle it to your satisfaction. I would also work with your child on appropriate ways to act in stituations like this (not to tolerate that behavior, use his words, if it continues, let an adult know immediately).

[bubbaray]

To me, this is a different situation because the OP *witnessed* the event, not just heard about it from her DS.

I absolutely would want another parent to call me if they saw my child acting this way, at school or elsewhere.

[ahisma]

If you know the mom and have a good relationship with her, I would definitely call.

My friends and I have done that for years. Now that our kids are in middle school, that open door policy helps a LOT. Preteens + hormones = nightmares!

If you handle it gently, it shouldn't cause friction. I do believe that the school should know, but in many, many instances we've handled things much more effectively from home...working together.

[niccig]

How awful to watch, I agree.

Some posters here (I think Nicci?) have some good suggestions about teaching kids to cope with these behaviors. I taught my much younger son to look the other kid in the eye and say in a "big, strong voice" I don't like that. .

I heard this from a Child Psychologist giving a talk on bullying. She said looking in the eye and the strong voice are key to standing up for yourself. She said if you can do it early on when something happens, it can stop the other kid's behaviour. Same with mean comments, especially if a bystander speaks up and says "hey, that's mean don't say that to her".

I did some role playing with DS and he's pretty good about speaking up for himself at the park etc. I think he does Ok at school too. I would like him to be able to speak up for others, so still working on that part of it.

I've told DH to go ask the teacher for help, like "Can you please help me, I asked John to stop hitting me, but it won't." I feel that if they go up and say "John is hitting me" then some teachers are "don't tattle."

I want DS to be able to stand up for himself. One Dad was lamenting that his son will let another kid take his lunch and wouldn't say anything. Another mother said her son would retaliate and go take that kid's lunch. I want DS to be in the middle, not take it, but not stoop to that level either.

I also think you can tell the mother...I would want to know.

[KrisM]

Thanks for the advice.

DS tells me that they have hit and kicked him before. He says not very often, but a few times. I'm not entirely sure how often that might be.

I told DS he should tell the boys to stop hitting him and if they don't he should tell an adult. He says he didn't say that to the boys because they should know not to hit :). Fortunately, he only seems to have a 'big strong voice' and practically yells everything, so if I can get him to say it to them, it'll be heard.

I'm still debating about talking to the mom. It wouldn't happen until next week some time. I think I will end up saying something, since I did see it, and DS says it's happened before. We're good enough friends that I know she is a good parent who is trying to bring up good kids, so I do think she'd appreciate knowing. I would want to know.

I will be at the school as much as possible for the next 2 weeks. Hopefully, I won't witness this again.

One more question - should I ask the mom of DS's friend who he was playing with to ask her son more about what happens? I don't think DS is telling me everything and I wonder if she'd get some info from her son that would help me make a better decision.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Didn't this same scenario happen to Strollerqueen's DS1 last year?

[KrisM]

Didn't this same scenario happen to Strollerqueen's DS1 last year?

Yes, you're right. I knew I read something, but couldn't remember who. Found that thread. Thanks.

[KrisM]

I'm going to go to recess today. I'll make sure the playground workers know and that his teacher knows. And, I'll follow up Tuesday morning, if not today, with the principal.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I would be so angry to see this going on. I need to read SQ's thread and learn from what you do and what she did. I'm sure this happens more often than people realize.

[bubbaray]

SQ's DS' issue was compounded by him recently having ear surgery (I don't think it was tubes, it was something more serious, but I can't remember). There was the bullying issue and the serious medical issue (IIRC she had documentation she gave to the school about that prior, but they were doing nothing to keep her DS safe).

[egoldber]

I'm sure this happens more often than people realize.

Absolutely it does. Recess is one of the worst times because there is generally a low supervision ratio combined with lots of places for play that are out of line of sight from adults.

OP, I think you are absolutely right to put the playground attendants and the admins on alert. I would assume that this happens all the time and has been happening for some time. I think talking to your DS's friend to hear his take on it is a good idea as well.

I am conflicted about talking to the other parent. In general, I don't think it's a good idea. But since you are friends anyway, it may be different. Older DD was having an issue with a boy in after care (both kids were contributing to the problem). Turns out it was the older brother of younger DD's very best friend. Doh!!! So I just chatted with the mom in a very friendly way and the issue has been resolved. But if we were not already friends, I would never have approached her about it.

[new_mom_mry]

Granted I am speaking in theoretical terms because my DS is only 6.5 months, but I would absolutely call the mom right away and tell her about what you witnessed. Hitting is NOT ok ever, and I would be concerned about the psychological effects on my son's self-esteem if this was happening to him. Also, I would continue reinforcing to him that he should be very vocal if this ever happens again, and stand up for himself as best as he can. As a side note, a colleague of mine in the past have complained about a similar situation occurring at her son's preschool, so I asked a friend who is a preschool teacher for advice, and she suggested an option that might sound a bit counterintuitive at first, but easy to implement in your case since you are friends with one of the moms. Ask for a play date with the other boy, so that your DS and the other kid would have an opportunity to play together in a supervised manner, which might help the other kid learn how to be civil.