Spin Off, Free Range neighbor girl

[kbud]

So I've been meaning to post this situation for advice but haven't yet. The timing of the free range thread is interesting!

There is an 8 year old girl in our neighborhood. She's been out on her own out and about in the neighborhood for months now. I only know where she lives because a friend lives across the street from her. She lives with her dad who works from home. He pretty much sends her out to roam the neighborhood when he is working.

Now she has discovered us. I have a dd who is 7. This girl is always coming over now to play. My dd isn't that excited to play with her most days. The issue I have is that I have no idea who her dad is, nor he I. Like I said I only know where she lives because of my friend. I do not allow her inside. My girls only play with her outside. She would stay all day if we let her. We are not the only ones she does this too. Now she shows up with a friend that I have no idea where she lives. She says she lives outside of our sub-division. I feel better that they have each other and feel they are safer together but what if one of them falls and hurts themselves on my swingset? I wouldn't even know where to find the other girls family.

The girls will disappear for weeks at a time. Something odd is going on at her house. Apparently 4 police cars where there one day and then no one saw her for about 3 weeks. Then she shows up again, often several times a day ringing the doorbell.

If it was every now and then that would be one thing but every day, heck I'm not her babysitter! When she's here I am responsible for her. She told me she has a certain time to be home and she pulls out her cell phone and looks at the time. She told me she puts the address she'll be out on the fridge for her dad.

We were semi free range as kids but at a bit older. The difference I think is we knew everyone. There was a bunch of kids not hanging out. We were not roaming all day alone. We all knew each other's parents and the parents pretty much knew each other.

How would you handle this? I've been turning her away lately but she keeps coming back! We are out of school now for the summer and I'm a SAHM...I suspect she'll be at our door everyday!

[dogmom]

Your at a decision point here. It sounds like something is not right, and I don't think the freerange kids movement exactly applies in this situation. Either you can decide to distance yourself from the situation and limit the exposure of you and your family towards the girl. (There was a post a while back that dealt with this and went on for a while.) It makes sense, the concerns you bring up are all valid. Or you can welcome this child into your home and figure out how you can help. Yes, it could wind up being complicated to even bad. I'm sure you can come up with several scenarios. By help I just mean being another adult in the girls life. I think most people would choose the former. However, the girl might needs someone to model after, your call.

[Cuckoomamma]

If you don't mind if she comes over some times, you could give her some limits to work within. Pick one day a week where she's welcome or a certain time of day.

I'd be very uncomfortable in the situation. I'd feel bad for the girl and want to offer her a nice place to be, but I do worry about liability and influence.

[egoldber]

This isn't "free range", this is neglect. Clearly something is going on in this girl's home that is not right. You can choose to let her in, set some boundaries, or keep her away.

If she is an otherwise a nice kid who plays well with mine, I would be inclined to set some limits and let her come. Limits like: she can only stay for 2 hours, not for a meal, not on Tuesdays, etc. Whatever works for your family.

[Ceepa]

This isn't "free range", this is neglect. Clearly something is going on in this girl's home that is not right. You can choose to let her in, set some boundaries, or keep her away.

If she is an otherwise a nice kid who plays well with mine, I would be inclined to set some limits and let her come. Limits like: she can only stay for 2 hours, not for a meal, not on Tuesdays, etc. Whatever works for your family.

I agree with all of this. This girl is not being given increased freedom by her parents, she's being thrown out of the house on a daily basis. She's just trying to fill her days somehow.

It's a tough situation and I haven't BTDT but would hope if put in that position I would find a way to be some small harbor for her. And if she was going to be a regular I would want to know where she lives and how to contact her father.

Good luck.

[DietCokeLover]

If you are ok with her playing with your kids, maybe make an effort to meet her family. It might give you some additional insight/ information to make a decision about what to do.

[Jacksmommy2b]

No advice here, but I feel for you. We have two neighbours who do this exactly.(they are side by side) The oldest is middle school, the youngest is two and they get tossed out the door in the morning. It isn't 'free range', it is lazy, lousy parenting. After a few months of making myself sick over the baby being on her own, and wiping noses, offering snacks etc. I gave up on it when the older ones were increasingly mean to then 3 y/o J. My kids aren't allowed near them.

[BabyMine]

I agree that it's neglect.

Have her show you where her house is. Introduce yourself and tell him you just wanted to introduce yourself since her daughter plays at your house. That way IF anything happens you know who to contact.

Have you tried sitting down and talking to her? This may be the chance to find out if anything is wrong. You may be able to help her by just listening.

You are right that you are not her babysitter and it seems she doesn't need one if she can go anywhere she wants.

The other thing you can do is just tell her to go play somewhere else.

[bubbaray]

I think if you come to the conclusion that it is *neglect* you should report it to child services/protection.

I agree its lazy parenting. Whether it was negect, dunno. Its very close to the line.

Regardless, it sure would be irritating.

I don't think I'd confront the dad, if the police have been there who knows what kind of character he is, you don't need to get messed up in that. If you do end up reporting, you may want to consider doing it from a payphone and not giving your name. Just sayin'....

[belovedgandp]

That is extreme and neglectful; without seeing the full picture who knows how much, but you're getting enough to know something's not right.

As for what to do, this is what I did when we had intrusive neighbors. They too were sent out to roam a lot, but lived two doors down, so while I've never spoken to the mother, I at least know who they are.

I set the rule that they could not ring our doorbell. If we were outside anyway, they were free to play with us and the toys we had out. Also didn't let them in the garage, they had to ask for a specific new toy or activity. There was some intrusive about the doorbell ringing. Plus when I was done or my kids were done we could go inside to end the interaction. I did have a baby at the time and would claim it was nap time and not to interrupt.

[brittone2]

We have neighborhood kids that are here all of the time. Not neglect, but sometimes it is inconvenient or they don't take the hint (the other day my kids told them 2x that they couldn't play, and they wouldn't leave...they remained playing in my sandbox until I firmly sent them home. They are 3 and 6 and allowed to roam between about 3 different houses in the neighborhood. Mom seems to kind of watch but not 100%.).

We HS year round and I know it will be an issue this summer. I sometimes am tied up with the baby (nursing him down for a nap, etc.) and can't supervise, or my kids have things they need to do (chores, something HS related...). I'm going to go to a "flag" system this summer I think. If the little flag is out, you are free to come over to play, otherwise we are tied up with something. I need a way to signal when it is/isn't okay for them to come over without having them ring my doorbell, etc.

I am hoping it will work out to be a good way to politely set boundaries.

Our neighborhood has 3 families that play together a lot, and I'm thankful for that, but we need a way to set some boundaries. We went through this at our last house too. I'm willing to tolerate it as I love the overall "coummunity" my little cul de sac is, and that we have impromptu playdates, etc. and the parents kind of hang out. I just don't like it when there are 4-6 other kids over here and I'm unable to supervise other people's children while I'm cooking dinner, kwim?

Totally fine to set boundaries, and yes, it sounds like there could definitely be more to the story of this little girl's life :(

[waitingforgrace]

I just want to point out that the girl may not be neglected, that's a big assumption. Is sending your 8yo out to roam the neighborhood irresponsible, sure, but it's a leap in logic to assume then she is neglected. You said the girl has a cell phone, have you asked her if she knows how to reach her dad? Or have you asked her for her home phone number in case something happens? If the girl is a relatively close neighbor then I see no reason why you or your DH shouldn't go introduce yourselves to her family and let them know she has been playing with your DD. I think that conversation could probably tell you a lot.

In your situation I would just set some boundaries, probably that they can only play outside and ask her to not ring the doorbell, she'll just have to wait for your DD to come outside in order to play.

[squimp]

I would ask her to leave if you are not comfortable having here there. Honestly. If you truly believe something odd is going on at her house (abuse) I would not have her over to play, because it could spill over to hurt you. I don't mean to scare you, but in that case it could affect your kids or you could get blamed for something. I have seen it happen before.

We had neighborhood kids over to play all the time at our old place, but to me this sounds very different.

[kbud]

Thanks all for the feedback. I think I've thought about every thought you all posted here.

I'll be pondering the suggestions to come up with a solution. I may go introduce myself to the dad just to get a better perspective on things. We have set limits that we only play outside with her. I'm uncomfortable having a child in my house that I don't know the parents. Not sure what to do about the friend she now hangs with. From what they have told me she lives in an apt. complex outside of our neighborhood. It's actually in a very bad area. Our neighborhood is fine but we boarder a bad section of town.

Thanks again. I'll be re-reading and coming up with a plan.

[BabyMine]

I just want to point out that the girl may not be neglected, that's a big assumption. Is sending your 8yo out to roam the neighborhood irresponsible, sure, but it's a leap in logic to assume then she is neglected. You said the girl has a cell phone, have you asked her if she knows how to reach her dad? Or have you asked her for her home phone number in case something happens? If the girl is a relatively close neighbor then I see no reason why you or your DH shouldn't go introduce yourselves to her family and let them know she has been playing with your DD. I think that conversation could probably tell you a lot.

In your situation I would just set some boundaries, probably that they can only play outside and ask her to not ring the doorbell, she'll just have to wait for your DD to come outside in order to play.

After doing all the reading and writing about "free range" kids I have to agree with you. I wrote that I thought it was neglect but once I read your response I realized that might not be the issue.