who knew 1st grade would be so hard - advice needed

[lil_acorn]

Hello ladies,
I need some advice from you all. My DS is 7 and is in 1st grade. He is one of the younger kids in the class being a summer baby. He is an extremely bright child, but seems to be floundering a bit socially. Specific complaints that we have heard include being "braggy" about being smart and also he can get physical when he becomes upset. We have been working with him on both of these at home - trying to instill the idea of using your words, not making other people feel badly etc.

But he is not very forthcoming about his school day and I feel like it is pulling teeth. I've only recently started communicating more with the teacher to make sure she tells me when things happen as DS is usually very tight lipped about these things. Last night, my son commented that he felt like the other kids don't want to be his friend anymore and don't want to play with him. But I do know they play sports at recess together, so am not sure how much of it is the 7 year old imagination vs. reality.

*sigh* so I just needed to vent and see if anyone had any BTDT advice? My DH and I talked about him trying to tell us more about his day so we can really understand what's gonig on. Next year, I intend to have more engagement with the teacher to get more frequent updates rather than the 2x/year PT conferences.

[bubbaray]

I'd take the summer and try to find an activity (that you can continue through the school year) that he loves and is great at -- to raise his self-esteem. The moms of boys in our school have told me that martial arts can be great for this.

FWIW, getting info out of my DD#1 (G1) is also like pulling teeth. I have to ask her specific questions that can not be answered with a yes or no.

[vdrake71]

I also agree with you that first grade is really tough. My DS is in first grade and we have had the problem that he is shy, not assertive, and could use a little work socially. He has also been bullied this year. We talked to the ped and it was suggested that we take him to counseling. So far we have attend one session. My first grade DS really did not know what to think. He said it was not bad since he did not get a shot, but he also said it was a little boring. Just something to think about.

[JustMe]

Hugs! Most of this really does sound age-appopriate, especially because he is a "young" 1st grader. I think your idea of keeping closer communication with the teacher next year is a good one, as it is also pretty age-appropriate for kids that age to both not want to report about their day and to be inaccurate reporters when they do. I agree with continuing to try to teach him alternatives including how to join in others play, how to express feelings appropriate, what to do when he is angry, when to get a teacher's help. If you are able to do playdates over the summer, I think that would be helpful to, so that he can get to know kids more and you can get another idea of what his social interactions are like.

[crl]

I would try for some playdates over the summer. One on one time might be a big help in making some friends so he doesn't feel left out. Plus you might make friends with some of the other parents.

Catherine

[niccig]

I like the suggestions of martial arts, one on one playdates, counselling.

Maybe a social skills class with a good child psychologist. I agree that social skills are most important part of school success.

I would really work on not lashing out with his hands when he gets upset. DS is in K and one boy still does this, and DS likes to play with him, except for this boy being too rough. And honestly, as DS's parent I don't want him to be getting hurt because his friend can't control himself. I've told DS that he can play with the boy, but if he is getting rough, that DS is to go play with someone else.

I do understand that there can be some reasons why this still happens, eg. someone of the spectrum or ADHD, but at the age that they are, there is less tolerance for a child that is hurting another child, both from the kids and other parents. It may not be fair to the child, but no one wants to see their child keep getting hurt.
:hug5: it sounds like you really want to help him, so I'm sure you'll find a way.

[Indianamom2]

I'd take the summer and try to find an activity (that you can continue through the school year) that he loves and is great at -- to raise his self-esteem. The moms of boys in our school have told me that martial arts can be great for this.

FWIW, getting info out of my DD#1 (G1) is also like pulling teeth. I have to ask her specific questions that can not be answered with a yes or no.

This is basically the advice that our developmental Pedi gave us for DD to develop some social skills. She did however specifically mention NOT doing martial arts if a BOY is already fairly physical. I don't know if that's true, but it might be something to keep in mind. She DID recommend it for my quieter girl.

What she specifically wants us to do (though I have no idea how this is going to work with a 22 month old) is basically "live" at the community pool this summer for the interaction with peers. She also wants DD in some sort of activity like gymnastics/dance/cheerleading to help her start learning a sport that she can eventually excell in so that she can better fit in with her peers.

I think that might work well for your son as well, and it can't hurt anything.

Good luck, because it's so much harder to navigate school for your child. It's a scary world out there as they grow.

[egoldber]

I would definitely do playdates and try to find a physical activity he can excel at.

I think it is really normal for kids this age to struggle with social stuff, keeping hands to themselves, etc. Some kids just take a little longer to mature than others in this area. But it is definitely something to keep an eye on. By third grade these behaviors start to become more problematic if they are not outgrown.

In the fall, you can ask if the counselor has "lunch bunches" for social skills and you can ask for your DS to be placed in one of these.


We talked to the ped and it was suggested that we take him to counseling. So far we have attend one session. My first grade DS really did not know what to think. He said it was not bad since he did not get a shot, but he also said it was a little boring.

vdrake, I am curious what you mean by this? You mean the counselor did not give him a chance to talk? Or is it a group session and he did not get a chance? Is this through the school or private?

[Uno-Mom]

This is basically the advice that our developmental Pedi gave us for DD to develop some social skills. She did however specifically mention NOT doing martial arts if a BOY is already fairly physical. I don't know if that's true, but it might be something to keep in mind. She DID recommend it for my quieter girl.



That's really interesting, about not recommending it for a rough boy. I've heard it strongly suggested for rough boys because a good martial arts class will teach discipline and self-control. But I seriously know nothing about this topic! Just interested.

I'm sure the effect would depend on which martial arts class and which teacher. I could see it going either way.

If the OP's son is the youngest in the grade, I wonder if he's striking out because he feels weak and insecure? Ironically, teaching him a strong sport could increase his physical confidence so he doesn't NEED to strike out anymore. I'm just blabbing...really don't know much about the effect of these classes on kids. I bet mom and dad would have good instincts on this one, knowing their kid.

[Indianamom2]

That's really interesting, about not recommending it for a rough boy. I've heard it strongly suggested for rough boys because a good martial arts class will teach discipline and self-control. But I seriously know nothing about this topic! Just interested.

I'm sure the effect would depend on which martial arts class and which teacher. I could see it going either way.

If the OP's son is the youngest in the grade, I wonder if he's striking out because he feels weak and insecure? Ironically, teaching him a strong sport could increase his physical confidence so he doesn't NEED to strike out anymore. I'm just blabbing...really don't know much about the effect of these classes on kids. I bet mom and dad would have good instincts on this one, knowing their kid.

Yeah, I agree, I could see it being beneficial if the instructor was really strong, but I could also see her point if the instructor was just mediocre.

[Uno-Mom]

Yeah, I agree, I could see it being beneficial if the instructor was really strong, but I could also see her point if the instructor was just mediocre.

Yeah, if I were a developmental pedi, I'd be a bit paranoid about recommending a class that could go wrong.

[deborah_r]

vdrake, I am curious what you mean by this? You mean the counselor did not give him a chance to talk? Or is it a group session and he did not get a chance? Is this through the school or private?

LOL, I was confused by that at first too! I'm pretty sure he was happy he didn't get a shot (like in the arm) because it was a doctor.

[niccig]

I think it is really normal for kids this age to struggle with social stuff, keeping hands to themselves, etc. Some kids just take a little longer to mature than others in this area. But it is definitely something to keep an eye on. By third grade these behaviors start to become more problematic if they are not outgrown.



I'm seeing it be a problem before 3rd grade. Granted, some of it is at the parents' insistence. One mother is actively trying to get other friends for her son, setting up play dates with different boys, and has asked for him to NOT be in the same class as one boy. She's just done with her son getting hurt, and he won't speak up for himself. She's trying to get him to have more confidence, and is encouraging friendships with boys that play together better.

I think 3rd grade can be too late to repair some friendships, and make up for immaturity shown earlier. I know that's not fair to a child that is struggling socially, but I can already see it in K that kids that are socially mature are the ones others want to play with, and it seems to get even more obvious as they get older - a friend's son in 5th grade is still struggling socially, his Mum said he catches up, but then his peers also move ahead at same time, so he's still behind.

It's why I think helping with immature social skills is probably more important than reading or writing right now.

ETA. I will admit that I prefer playdates to be with kids that play well with DS,especially when it's going to be a drop off playdate at my house. He keeps asking for a playdate with one friend, and unless the mother can come as well, I'm less inclined to do it. When his mother is here, it's much easier as she can direct him and stop him from trying to climb out of the window and escape the yard.

Playdates at a park or local pool would be ones where you could also get to know other parents and as you're there, you can help DS navigate socially if he needs it.

Maybe ask his teacher for names of kids that you could invite over. There's one child in our class that all the kids and the parents really like, he's easy going, polite, fair, plays well etc. I've told his mother she can drop him off anytime, as he's the kind of friend I would love DS to have.

[egoldber]

Oh I agree it can be an issue before third grade. Just that from my observation, there is a wide range of normal development of these skills and *in general* kids tend to be relatively tolerant until about third grade. And then, not so much.

Also, the types of things they teach in social skills classes are generally better learned by older kids with more maturity and impulse control.

[niccig]

Also, the types of things they teach in social skills classes are generally better learned by older kids with more maturity and impulse control.

Isn't that a bit of a catch 22 - need maturity for the class, but it's lack of maturity that you need help with? That has to be difficult.

OP, I hope you can help set up one or two friendships for your DS. I know my DS's best friend isn't as socially mature, but he and my DS have a shared interest in building, and they've bonded over that. DS says he gets annoyed sometimes that his friend is more easily upset, especially if something they're building broke, but it's not so much that it's causing an issue with the friendship.

[sste]

OP, what is your time/energy looking like or your DH's these days?

I have a freakishly clear memory of my elementary days and there was no one I looked up to more than the leader of my campfire girl's troop . . . and by association her daughter!

*If* and only if that type of thing might interest you I wonder if some sort of cubs/earth scout/whatever the equivalent is these days might be fun for your son. It would be a group but smaller than school. I think the focus in these things is on some of the aspects of "good citizenship" you mention. But, it is play and activity focused. Certainly not required for this to be valuable but you serving in an assistant leader or short-term helper capacity might further help your DS ease into things.

My eternal caveat applies - - my child is in preschool. I know nothing! But, I have been thinking to myself a lately that sometimes it is nice to approach these things from "the positive" angle . . .

[egoldber]

Isn't that a bit of a catch 22 - need maturity for the class, but it's lack of maturity that you need help with? That has to be difficult.


Yes, it is a catch 22. The kids need to be able to absorb the lessons, integrate them and be able to control their behavior enough to modify it. Which, if these kids could do that in the first place, wouldn't really need a social skills class......


DS says he gets annoyed sometimes that his friend is more easily upset, especially if something they're building broke, but it's not so much that it's causing an issue with the friendship.

This is exactly what I mean by generally more tolerant. After about age 8 or so, I think many/most kids no longer tolerate the behavior and it does start to cause friendship issues. This is why you see an uptick in kids being diagnosed and medicated for ADHD/anxiety, etc. around 3rd/4th grade. At that point the social and academic demands are raised to the point that kids who were able to muddle through with tolerant teachers and classmates start to hit the wall.

[lil_acorn]

thanks for all the replies ladies. I actually don't think self esteem is a problem with him. But we actually had a nice little chat today about his day. Had some milk and cookies when he got home from school and he told me about his day. The conversation was only 5-10 minutes but its the most detail I've gotten out of him ever about his day.

For those parents with kids that have done counseling, what is it like? Are you with the child during teh sessions? Also, what do they do in those social skills lessons?

[egoldber]

During individual sessions, my DD meets with the therapist for 40 minutes on her own, then DH or I recap with the therapist for 10 minutes. Sometimes DD is present for that, but usually not.

The social skills group meets for 40 minutes (5 girls, 2 therapists) and then the head therapist comes in and does a re-cap. The group uses a curriculum based on this book: http://www.amazon.com/Raise-Your-Childs-Social-IQ/dp/0966036689

There is a curriculum and homework and it's been like a year long class.

[kozachka]

My DS is also 7, except he is in 2nd grade, and struggles with a lot of the same issues. He's been working with a school psychologist for a few months and will be attending social skills group moderated by a private psychologist as of fall. This particular group does not accept kids younger than 3rd grade. DS is bright and confident but needs help socializing with peers. He's great with adults and younger kids, but he wants to be a leader among other boys and they don't want to be led by a younger boy (he was born at the end of November). I asked if he has ADD or something, and he does not.

DS has a purple belt in Taekwondo, with the next belts being red and black, and we specifically asked school psychologist if we should continue with martial arts or not as my MIL and then DH kept insisting it encourages aggression, and she said to absolutely not do it since he likes his studio, coaches and other kids. She did suggest we enrol DS into a team sport, which we did, but had to drop out once we were forced to change after school care programs. The other thing that help DS to learn lose more gracefully is chess.

[ha98ed14]

Oh I agree it can be an issue before third grade. Just that from my observation, there is a wide range of normal development of these skills and *in general* kids tend to be relatively tolerant until about third grade. And then, not so much.


This is DH's exact opinion too. He Teaches 4th.