Dear MIL,

[longtallsally05]

It was so sweet of you to call. I'm fine, thank you. I disagree with your belief that DH and I "should have told" you during your visit that we are expecting another child. After all, in the last two years you have given me the unsolicited advice (multiple times) that that DH and I "shouldn't have any more children" and that "two are enough". I politely explained that during your visit that we weren't telling anybody at that point, and I am mystified as to why you think that "I'm not anybody, I'm DH's mother" means you are not included in the category of anybody. Frankly, you are lucky that DH told you at all. He wasn't going to tell you, except I asked him to tell you so it wouldn't come back on me when SIL saw the news on Facebook. DH and I were mightily offended when you told us that we "didn't need anymore children". You must be confused. We've never asked you or FIL to provide us with money, childcare, a place to live, tuition for private school, or any sort of assistance; that was SIL, not us. We've always provided for ourselves and our children. The only thing we've ever asked of you is to enjoy your grandchildren during an occasional visit. I know you've never liked me, and that's okay because I've never liked you, but I didn't realize you found your grandchildren to be so unbearable that you really don't want any more. My parents truly are more than happy to spend time with my children, and are very excited about the prospect of having more grandchildren. Your newfound pleasure at the prospect of more grandchildren rings false in my ears. Your loss, MIL. Go suck an egg.

DIL.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

wow that's horrible..she actually SAID you guys "didn't need any more kids?" wow, i am so sorry. :hug:

unfortunately, i've seen this kind of thing in my extended family (aunts/uncles, etc). IME, the adult children who provide for themselves are often the least favored, whereas the ones who are most needy (always asking for money, childcare, often needing to be "bailed out") are often favored more. i think it has something to do with the parents desired to be "needed" and being upset with an child's ability to provide for themselves, and therefore not being their "baby" anymore. that explains a lot i think, because yeah, otherwise it makes no sense..why else would a parent act so negatively towards a child who provides for themselves?.

at least with your MIL your DH is on the same page as you, it sounds like. that should make things a bit easier. still stinks though. i can't get over the fact that your MIL kept telling you guys you didn't need more kids! who says stuff like that?? :(

eta: oh, and congrats on your pregnancy!! :love-retry:

[FTMLuc]

Congratulations on the the pregnancy!

What your MIL said about having more children is just mean! As you stated it is her loss. I am sorry you had to deal with this. Hugs.


IME, the adult children who provide for themselves are often the least favored, whereas the ones who are most needy (always asking for money, childcare, often needing to be "bailed out") are often favored more. i think it has something to do with the parents desired to be "needed" and being upset with an child's ability to provide for themselves, and therefore not being their "baby" anymore. that explains a lot i think, because yeah, otherwise it makes no sense..why else would a parent act so negatively towards a child who provides for themselves?.

This is so true! I saw it all the time with my late MIL, where DH was always self sufficient, but was the one always stuck with the short end of the stick vs. his brother who run to mama for hugs. I felt it was so unfair to him, and I could see that some incidents really bothered him, but he tried not let me see it.

[Edensmum]

Congratulations on the the pregnancy!

What your MIL said about having more children is just mean! As you stated it is her loss. I am sorry you had to deal with this. Hugs.



This is so true! I saw it all the time with my late MIL, where DH was always self sufficient, but was the one always stuck with the short end of the stick vs. his brother who run to mama for hugs. I felt it was so unfair to him, and I could see that some incidents really bothered him, but he tried not let me see it.

Yup we call this the competency tax. My sister who has three kids by three different men gets all sorts of attention and help even a baby shower from my parents after not mentioning the pregnancy ever, they found out from my neice when she was 7 months pregnant. Yet I was pregnant at the same time and my parents didn't even do a big baby gift. It hurts and it sucks.

[HIU8]

My MIL says those types of things to me a lot. BUT she admitted that she thought it was overwhelming taking care of 2 children close in age. DH and his sister were 7 yrs apart and MIL had a nanny to help raise DH. So, I know where she came from, but I normally would respond to her comments with "MIL, you and I are different people with different abilities". That shuts her up for a while.

People used to and still say stuff to me like "you have one of each. You do not NEED any more children". It sucks that people, even if they think this, actually say it. My normal response is that I do not make decisions about my family based on unsolicited advice and biases of others (people normally do not know how to respond to that).

OP, you MIL sounds like a piece of work.

[MamaSnoo]

No one needs any children. Nevertheless, your MILs opinion does not need to be factored into your decision about having children. Nor does she need to be told of impending births before you are ready to tell her. I'd be happy to tell her that if you like. ;)

Congratulations to you, your DH and the sibs!

MILs are a PITA. I just saw mine last week. Harrrmmmmph.

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry your mil is being so immature about this. It's so childish when they pull this sort of crap. I would have told her that you didn't NEED her approval to have another child, so oh well!

Also, ITA with what Ms. Pacman said about the adult child who is always needing to be rescued or babied by their parents being the favorite one, and the ones who are self sufficient are treated poorly. We are very indep from my parents and I know it drives them nuts. They try to manipulate with $, so I think that they are upset that they can't do that with us.

[BabyBearsMom]

IME, the adult children who provide for themselves are often the least favored, whereas the ones who are most needy (always asking for money, childcare, often needing to be "bailed out") are often favored more. i think it has something to do with the parents desired to be "needed" and being upset with an child's ability to provide for themselves, and therefore not being their "baby" anymore. that explains a lot i think, because yeah, otherwise it makes no sense..why else would a parent act so negatively towards a child who provides for themselves?

ITA with Ms. Pacman. My DH is the only one of his siblings to not be supported by his parents. MIL so clearly favors his brother and sister that it can be awkward to see. She likes being needed and hates that DH and I don't need them.

Congratulations on your new addition and pay no mind to the crazy Grandma. The new addition is going to have awesome parents, great siblings and your parents who will provide a loving and wonderful family. This is a lucky baby!

[elephantmeg]

congrats on #3! Sorry MIL is so crappy!

[hillview]

goodness gracious what a jerk. CONGRATULATIONS!! Don't let the turkeys get you down :)

My MIL said "who do you think you are? Royalty?" and "You sure didn't waste anytime" we had been ttc for 2 years and DH was 45 when DS1 was born ...

[MamaMolly]

Holy carp! Honestly, I think you ought to write it all down and mail it to her, just like you did here. Then you wouldn't have to hear her opinion for YEARS.

But that advice comes from a place of deep resentment with my own need-a-proctologist-to-get-some-friggin'-space-between-me-and-my MIL.

[mctlaw]

Congratulations, since you clearly did not get enough of that from your extended family. MIL sounds like a piece of work!

[buddyleebaby]

When DH and I announced that we were pregnant with number 3, MIL said nothing. Nothing. Just completely ignored the fact that we had spoken.

SIL told us congratulations, and gave us a hug, and then looked at MIL and said "MIL! Did you hear what they said? Alicia's pregnant!". And MIL said "I know. I don't want it."

It was so deeply hurtful that I do not think I will ever forget it. I am sorry that your MIL reacted the way she did.

A big hug, and a huge congratulations to you on your newest miracle.

[karstmama]

And MIL said "I know. I don't want it."



what. the. f*ck.

i don't even know where to start with this comment. you don't need her permission, she's not the one who has to want it, oh, and 'f*ck you, mil.'

op, big congrats! :jammin:

[lizzywednesday]

Congratulations! Poo on anyone who gives you any negativity.

At least your DH didn't get what my dad did when he told his mom that my parents were expecting my sister (#4):

"(MyDad'sName). You have to stop doing this."

Seriously.

Babies are blessings and children multiply a family's love. Warmest wishes to your new addition!

[arivecchi]

That is nuts! Congratulations to you OP! Your MIL sounds like a nut. She should indeed go suck an egg!

[longtallsally05]

Thanks, everyone. The thing that really gets me about MIL is how "nice" everyone else seems to think she is. MIL saves these rude, crazy comments for me, and she uses a light, bantering tone of voice like she's making friendly conversation. I'm usually silent, because I just don't know how to respond to it without saying something blistering about how stupid she acts. After all, it's not like DH can go out and get another mother; I'm going to have to do my best to tolerate the limited amount of exposure I have to MIL for DH's sake.

During the same phone conversation yesterday she also told me I was a "nutball" for taking DS out for a stroll while she was there. At the time, I was prepping for a 5K walk/run with my neighbor. I remember she criticized me for exercising, and when we passed a woman jogging on the side of the road, MIL said, "Look at that nut, out there in the heat. If she'd stay home and clean her house like she's supposed to and wash her cabinets once a week, she wouldn't need to go out and run." Subtle, isn't she? Of course, DH is never around when she says $h!t like that. DH thinks MIL is basically clueless and that she simply has no filter; that whatever she thinks is what comes out of her mouth. I think it is true that she acts that way around me, but she holds back in front of other people because she wants them to think she's this super-friendly, bubbly (if slightly ditzy) gal. I think MIL exaggerates the ditzy gal routine because then DH won't hold her accountable for what she says.

MIL doesn't have the same sense of social boundaries that other people have. She thinks if DH does something she and FIL don't like, it's simply because DH doesn't understand what it is that they want, so all she has to do is inform DH of what they really want. DH has been living this way all his life, so it doesn't bother him, but it does bother me, especially when MIL chimes in about stuff that involves me or the children. DH's role in his family has always been to make his parents happy, and he complied until I came along and had other ideas (like doing what we want to do, or doing what is best for our children and our family), so that makes me the big problem in my IL's eyes, especially when it conflicts with what MIL wants for SIL and SIL's son. SIL's role in the family has always been to do whatever she wants and to let the chips fall where they may. My ILs have always made sure she doesn't experience the really uncomfortable consequences of her choices by running interference for her. MIL talks about how SIL has accomplished so much and has done so well for herself, as if overcoming the obstacles SIL put in her own way is some really heroic task.


...Yup we call this the competency tax...

DH is definitely paying the competency tax, but usually he doesn't seem to care much. If SIL wants the ILs up her butt all the time, DH will let her have them. DH doesn't want or need the ILs to help him or us, but he was very offended when I told him what MIL said about our having more children. DH and I have always wanted four children, and we feel very fortunate to have DD & DS. We are thrilled about the prospect of DC#3. DH and I do well enough for ourselves that we can afford it by living sensibly, as we have always done. Thank goodness we live far away and I don't have to see MIL often. I'm not sure I could hold my tongue if I had to see that stupid b!tch more than twice a year.