MIL's take on why DD doesn't talk yet

[BabyBearsMom]

Grrrrr! MIL frequently makes comments about our parenting choices (which she balmes on me) to DH. She is, for some unknown reason, particularly upset that DD isn't allowed to watch television (she is 14 months old). Last night, DH had her on speaker phone and she was talking to DD and saying "DD, say Gramma! Say Gramma!". DD isn't really talking yet, but she does say Dada and Mama (Dada is her word for everything, Mama definitely means me), which I think is pretty normal for 14 months. DD just grabs the phone and pushes the buttons. When DH wrestles the phone back from DD, MIL says, thinking she isn't on speaker phone, "well, if [my name] would've let her watch tv, she would know how to talk because she would hear it more often." WHAT?!?!?!?! DH and I are not mutes. We talk to DD constantly. During the day, she is in a mixed age daycare and the teachers and other kids are always talking. She is in no short supply of examples of people talking. I don't know why this woman thinks that DD is being so deprived by lack of television. DH flipped the phone off of speaker phone and told his mom that DD is 14 months old and her language skills are normal for that age and tv has nothing to do with it. None the less, grrrrrr MIL.

Anyone else want to share their MIL stories and commiserate with me?

[wellyes]

She sounds like a real winner of a MIL! Wowza. That is comedy gold.
Any way you could reply to her by pretending she's joking?

[LadyPeter]

I'd probably respond, "Yeah, that's every mother's dream. For her kid's first word to be Snooki!"

I'm passive aggressive like that.

[BabyBearsMom]

She sounds like a real winner of a MIL! Wowza. That is comedy gold.
Any way you could reply to her by pretending she's joking?

I follow the very sage advice of the mommies on this board and go the "pass the bean dip" route and think about the hilarious b*tching post I can share with all of you about it later :waving4:. I am actually really lucky. DH and I had a talk about MIL's behavior a few months ago and I said that what she says is hurtful to me and as my husband it is his duty to stand up for me to his mom. He took this to heart and always stands up for me and I pretend not to hear her snarking. It is impossible to win a fight with a MIL when you are the DIL IMO. Even FIL has joined in to tell MIL to lay off. But she is a special one!

[mommylamb]

Why on earth is she so frustrated on the TV thing? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Your DD is entirely normal. Besides, she says "dat" for that all the time.

[TwinFoxes]

I saw the title and thought "ooh ooh I know! Not enough TV." I think it was my younger SIL who shared that (dat) pearl of wisdom with me.

[crl]

How annoying!

But hooray for your dh for sticking up for you and handling it himself and, you know, bonus points because he listened when you told him you needed him to do that!

Catherine

[niccig]

I'm in a Children's language development class to eventually be a SLP, and last night our lecturer said that listening to TV/Radio does buptkus for language acquisition.

Interaction with caregivers, lots of child-directed speech (where you talk in simpler sentences) is what counts. She even said that infants are watching you face, the position of your lips/mouth and matching that to the sound you make. By 1 month old they're already distinguishing different sounds...it's pretty fascinating how they acquire language...but TV doesnt' help!

[BabyBearsMom]

I'm a Children's language development class to eventually be a SLP, and last night our lecturer said that listening to TV/Radio does buptkus for language acquisition.

Interaction with caregivers, lots of child-directed speech (where you talk in simpler sentences) is what counts. She even said that infants are watching you face, the position of your lips/mouth and matching that to the sound you make. By 1 month old they're already distinguishing different sounds...it's pretty fascinating how they acquire language...but TV doesnt' help!

I would tell MIL this but she doesn't believe in science, she only believes in anecdotal evidence.

[HIU8]

Missinformed MIL's are great, aren't they. They hold old info and wivestales as truth and anything new they don't understand is wrong (and yes, I do mean TV--even my mom said she was told to LET us watch sesame street so we would learn how to talk).

I ignore my MIL b/c she is an idiot.

[Smillow]

I would tell MIL this but she doesn't believe in science, she only believes in anecdotal evidence.

Ask her how people learned to talk before TV?:rotflmao:

[Gena]

Uhg. I know your pain.

My MIL was full of theories about why my DS didn't talk until he was almost 3. My favorites was "Gena is too educated to know how to talk to a baby. " She also suggested that I not feed him or give him anything to drink until he asked for it, because "that will make him talk."

[maestramommy]

I had 2 speech delayed children, so I know how frustrating it is to have parents or ILs that think it's something you're not doing. For MONTHS MIL would ask if Dora was talking yet, then say, "TALK to her!" WTF, I was talking or reading to her all the time. I'm not the most chatting person, but she was the only one there, so of course I was talking to her. My own mother thought it was because I talked too softly, read too softly. She would say things like, "I can't hear you at all! No wonder your kids don't talk."

Now we've got #3, who imo is ahead of the curve in speech. Is it because everyone is talking/screaming/laughing all the time? Some would say yes. But *I* am her mother, and *I* am pretty damn sure she came out this way, for a variety of reasons.

I love both my mother and MIL very much. MIL and I have a great relationship. But some people think they know "everything," because they parented a certain way and their kids met all their expectations. That makes them more trying as grandparents.

[Green_Tea]

I think you should invite her to discuss her concerns about your DD's lack of TV time with your pediatrician ;).

[MamaSnoo]

If "Snooki" does not does not make it on your DDs first words list, maybe "sexting" or "Weiner" could be on the list.

Sorry about your MIL. :grouphug:

[Mommy_Mea]

Ask her how people learned to talk before TV?:rotflmao:

:yeahthat:

That reasoning always cracks me up. DS didn't say any words until 17 months, and then it was Papa (for his grandfather). Mama didn't even come until 21 months! At 24 months, the kid talks.all.the.time.

And still no TV! :)

[kwc]

While I am completely in favor of "pass the bean dip" and trying to just be silently smug in being right, if she brings it up again, you could cite the study done in Seattle showing even background TV may be associated with speech delay in infants/ toddlers.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31051013/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/t/even-background-tv-may-delay-infants-speech/

But some people don't like science or research. Not when you could be watching TV.

[hellokitty]

BBM, you have my sympathy. I also have a mil who is a flipping idiot. Her theories about things are crazier than something a 4 yr old would make up. I would take your mil's stupid comment and tuck it away for future use.

For example, when your dd is 3 yrs old and your mil bitches about how weird it is that she can't ride a bike w/o training wheels, you retort back by saying, "Hmmm, maybe it was because I didn't let her watch enough tv."

Every time she bitches about something that your dd isn't doing (even though you know it's still within developmental norms, but obviously your mil has no clue), I would just retort back with, "Hmm, maybe it was because I didn't let her watch enough tv." Hopefully, her own comment will come back to bite her in the a$$ enough that she wishes she would have just kept her mouth shut to begin with.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

yikes, sounds like your MIL is a piece of work. seriously, making comments over why a 14-MONTH-OLD doesn't talk??? what the frack. FWIW, at 14mos my DS would also use "dadda" for everything (a phone, a TV, or whatever) and didn't say much else either. We do let him watch TV occasionally, but i don't think that has anything to do with anything. Now he won't stop talking. :)

honestly, it sounds like your MIL knows you (and your DH) are far more educated about these things than she is, and that bothers her so she just makes random comments like this to get under your skin. sorry! as PP said, good thing your DH stuck up for you guys.

[catsnkid]

My sympathies. See my new thread about MIL's latest on the occasion of DS's b-day. She didn't really bug me that much until he was born and it became a competition to her. When we go over MIL's house she insists on putting in a kid's movie for DS instead of playing with him, then she wonders why he doesn't really go to her.

[mousemom]

Just wanted to commiserate. DS had a speech delay and we got the exact same line from MIL. She honestly thought that putting him in front of Sesame Street would teach him to talk. She would ask in our conversations if he watched any shows yet and mentioned several times how she used to put DH in front of the TV while she made dinner and how educational it was. So, I know how you feel.

[Uno-Mom]

I wonder ... do so many moms of that generation say that out of defensiveness? I mean, it was how they raised their kids and at the time I guess everybody thought it was fine. But now they hear so many people saying tv time is *evil* and it makes them get defensive like we're attacking their parenting choices.

I wonder the same thing about grandparent - aged women who are so dead-set against breast feeding.

Sorry so many of you have to deal with that crap! Your posts make me appreciate my mom and MIL, even with the goofiness they have - they're never THAT goofy!

[Uno-Mom]

If "Snooki" does not does not make it on your DDs first words list, maybe "sexting" or "Weiner" could be on the list.

:

"Mommy...what does lewd mean??"

[MontrealMum]

Ugh! I hear you. My DS didn't talk much until he was over 2, in part due to being raised in a bilingual environment, and in part due to an actual speech delay. My parents who are both former teachers -one who specialized in special ed. and the other in reading and learning disabilities - never said one darned thing :) And they're the Americans...the ones who AREN'T dealing every day with a two-language environment.

DH"s parents? Argh!!! Not that either of them is bilingual, though they were both born and raised here in Quebec. No, they immediately thought of our DN - who is/was tongue-tied - and though he went through speech therapy to no avail, he never had any sort of surgery and at 17 is still extremely difficult to understand :( So, because my SIL was not pro-active about her kid for whatever reason (apparently it's a congenital issue from my BIL's side), we have been bearing the brunt of that decision. Yay...for uptight families who don't talk?

Ignore it, as others have said, it's still way early and her assertions are ridiculous anyways. My DS was always at the low end of the word/language charts at his 1 and 2 yr. appointments, but neither his ped. nor his teachers were worried. FTR, my DS is now nearly 4 and is perfectly bilingual :)

[BabyBearsMom]

My sympathies. See my new thread about MIL's latest on the occasion of DS's b-day. She didn't really bug me that much until he was born and it became a competition to her. When we go over MIL's house she insists on putting in a kid's movie for DS instead of playing with him, then she wonders why he doesn't really go to her.

It is so funny you say that. I used to be really close with MIL and we got along great. Then I had DD, just two months after my SIL had DN (SIL is MIL's daughter). All of a sudden, child rearing turned into a competition. SIL follows a parenting technique similar to MIL and goes to MIL for advice on everything. I prefer BBB, research and my sister(:waving4:) for advice and as a result have very different parenting techniques. I think MIL is really threatened by that. But she is always comparing DD to DN. As an aside, DN watches TV daily, is 2 months older than DD and has fewer words, so her logic just isn't really adding up. Sigh...I don't know why I would expect her to follow logic.


I wonder ... do so many moms of that generation say that out of defensiveness? I mean, it was how they raised their kids and at the time I guess everybody thought it was fine. But now they hear so many people saying tv time is *evil* and it makes them get defensive like we're attacking their parenting choices.

I wonder the same thing about grandparent - aged women who are so dead-set against breast feeding.

Sorry so many of you have to deal with that crap! Your posts make me appreciate my mom and MIL, even with the goofiness they have - they're never THAT goofy!

I think this is really true. She is threatened by anything I do that is different than what she did. She repeatedly says "well I did/didn't do that, and my three kids turned out JUST FINE" (As an aside, my DH did turn out just fine, but I did get to him when he was only 17 :wink2:, and the other two...well lets just sya didn't turn out all that fine IMHO). I never say something else is "wrong" or "evil." When I asked, I never offer, I always respond by saying "DH and I prefer to do it this way."

We saw her this weekend and she lectured us about disciplining DD (again she is 14 months old). DD kept trying to stand on a play chair that I got her. I redirected firmly several times ("No DD, we don't stand on chairs, lets sit and play with x") and finally took the chair away when the behavior continued because I don't want her to fall and get hurt. MIL responds "She is going to be an unruly child if you don't start disciplining her. When DN stands on her chair SIL spanks her." So first of all, my poor 16 month old neice is being spanked :shake:. Second of all, she wants me to spank my DD over her doing a perfectly normal exploration of a new toy! DH immediately responded "Mom, we do not hit in this house period. Besides, DD is too young to understand punishment right now." To which she responded "well you understood punishment when you were this age....don't blame me when she is unruly because of your parenting." I wanted to EXPLODE. 1) SIL was probably the most unruly teenager I have ever met (I have known her since she was 15) and BIL is the laziest person I know, both were brought up under her superior parenting. 2) As if I would ever blame or give her credit for any of DD's upbringing. I am her mother not you!!!! Seriously, I wanted to punch her but then I remembered that DH said we aren't allowed to hit in our house...maybe I could have taken her out back:rotflmao:

[niccig]

DH immediately responded "Mom, we do not hit in this house period. Besides, DD is too young to understand punishment right now." To which she responded "well you understood punishment when you were this age....don't blame me when she is unruly because of your parenting." I wanted to EXPLODE.

I think I would have taken her outback..that is so rude.

Your DH is standing up to her, and that is good. It has to come from him.

My mother sounds a bit like your MIL in that her way 30+ years ago was the RIGHT and ONLY way. To be honest, my mother has not had alone time with DS - granted, she does live around the world - but when we visit, she has him for a few hours here and there. I don't trust her to not do things her way, like spanking or other total gems of parenting (sarcasm here.) DS is 6yo now, and I probably could let her have DS overnight, but I still feel I need to protect him from the "you must stay there and finish every last bit of food on your plate" kind of parenting.

If you don't think she will respect the parenting boundaries and do things your way when she babysits, I wouldn't have her babysit.

My MIL on the other hand, will do things our way, so she's had DS many a time. She's having him for a week this Summer.

[hellokitty]

I wonder ... do so many moms of that generation say that out of defensiveness? I mean, it was how they raised their kids and at the time I guess everybody thought it was fine. But now they hear so many people saying tv time is *evil* and it makes them get defensive like we're attacking their parenting choices.

I wonder the same thing about grandparent - aged women who are so dead-set against breast feeding.


This is a really good point. I have never been that close to my mom and I thought for sure that after I became a parent, maybe we would become closer. Instead, we get along worse now than ever. I parent almost completely opposite from the way I was raised (for reference, my mom used to chase us around with a bamboo feather duster and hit us with the handle part as punishment, which was way worse than just a regular spanking). My mom gets so bent out of shape when I do not do things HER way. Part of it is b/c she is a major control freak (so am I, so this is the battle of the wills), and basically her entire idea about parenting is that you should bring up your children to be JUST LIKE YOU (the parent). If they are not just like you, then you failed as a parent. She gets upset that I have opinions, different taste and interests that differs from her and b/c I parent so differently from the way she parented, she's thrown herself into a tizzy over several things. Basically, she is bent out of shape that my siblings and I aren't mini-me's of she and my dad.

BFing was probably our #1 disagreement. She just would NOT accept that I was BFing my babies. She went as far as to bring formula EVERY time she visited for the first six months of DS1's life (I donated all of it to an emergency pregnancy center), and also calling my siblings and telling them that I was starving my baby, b/c I wouldn't use formula (he's always been healthy)! She wanted to get them on her side and she knew I was just going to shut her down every time she suggested that I give formula. So, she felt that if she had my siblings be her toadies, that maybe I would listen to them. They wouldn't do it, they flat out told me what my mom was up to, and of course it enraged me even more that she was being so manipulative and sneaky and how she could not accept the idea that I was different than her. You would think that after all that drama, she would have given up trying to change my mind. Well, when DS2 was born, the first thing she said when she saw us at the hospital after the birth was, "are you going to BF him?" I was so PISSED at her. Why the @#$% wouldn't I BF him (no medical issues), if I BF'd DS1 successfully?!?!? It just ticked me off that she refused to respect my decision to BF, and was willing to go to such extreme to try to force me to do things her way and would not give up!

Worse yet, when sil was pg with her first baby, I warned her right off the bat that my mom would give her a hard time about BFing. However, I warned her right in front of my mom and my mom got upset and kept telling me that I had no right to get upset at her, b/c she had, "good intentions." I blew my top when she said that, had a nasty argument right in front of my sil, but I didn't really care, b/c my sil has seen for herself how inflexible my parents are, so she knows why I was so pissed. Basically, my mom feels that whatever SHE feels is right, IS right and that she will go through any means to try to bend me to do things her way, since my way is automatically the, "wrong" way, if it isn't her way.

Anyway, long story short, I became a LLL leader after I had DS2 (to my mom's dismay), both of my sils have had babies in the past couple of yrs and they are both BFing their babies too. My mom is still not happy about this (my, "bad" influence on my sils), but she is much less pushy with my sils than she is with me, so isn't as confrontational with them, although she constantly makes ignorant comments that make it obvious that she refuses to learn anything about BFing. Oh and as background, my dad is a pediatrician (who NEEDS to retire) and pro-formula and anti-BF and my mom is an ex-peds nurse herself. Obviously, she did not BF her own children and my dad probably discouraged her from it. Every.single.piece of parenting (and medical) advice that they have ever given us has been total garbage, it is just bizarre. My dad tells his patients that babies should be STTN by 6 wks of age and the first time he changed a diaper was when I had DS1 (if this gives you a clue with how involved he was with parenting duties). Both of them are stuck in 70's and refuse to budge.