UPDATE: BAD TO WORSE - DH causually mentions no more kids

[ashleybama24]

So we are at the doctor for our 37 wk appointment and I commented that I was a little sad this pregnancy was almost over. Makes me think about possibly having more; we initially said we would have either 2 or 4. DH responds, I don't want more kids. I want our lives back, I want to be able to go do things.

He claims to have told me this before. Maybe I'm a little hormonal but I'm suddenly so sad. Neither of these pregnancies were planned and happened a little earlier than I initially intended, 20s vs 30s, and now suddenly I feel like the choice for more is not mine either. I'm also sad now I will never have a girl because I'm just convinced these boys will grow up and spend holidays with their wives families. It's not the absurd fear...my DH is one of four sons and they ALL spend more time with their inlaws.

************************************************** *
Update:

So I finally was able to talk to DH about his comments yesterday and wow did the conversation go from bad to worse. He admitted he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders right now. He is super busy at work - he leaves early, comes home late and has been having to work on the weekends as well. On top of that he feels the need to pick up any "slack" because I'm 9 months pregnant and there are just some things I can't do or lift.

He is concerned about money...we cut our income in half when I stopped working last year. Apparently we aren't sticking to the budget...or should I say DH is not sticking to the budget. Our house is too little and renovating or moving isn't something that can happen overnight.

He thinks the next 6 months are going to suck, be filled with sleepless nights and be additionally stressful. He wasn't ready for a second child but decided we should just "get it over with". Having another baby was his idea and it breaks my heart that he isn't excited.

I'm just at a loss this am. I can't believe he has been holding this all in but I also don't know what to do to make it better. Sure we can evaluate the budget and I can not let him do anything around the house (despite the fact that we are a team and I don't want to become a 50s housewife) but I can't make him be emotionally ready or happy this child is almost here.

[eh613c]

Hi. I'm in the same boat as you. We just had our 2nd boy 8 weeks ago and DH has no plans of having anymore. I really thouhgt we were having a girl but it was the opposite. Don't get me wrong, I love our sons. It would be nice to have a girl. As my delivery date grew closer, I felt really sad because I knew this was the last time I'll be pregnant and I cherished those last few weeks, feeling his kicks and hiccups. Now I get emotional when my baby outgrows his clothes, like we'll never use these onesies again. I'm starting to come to terms that we can only afford 2 kids and that DH and I need our time too.

Sounds like you and DH are a young couple. Maybe he doesn't want another kid right away. My DH's reason for not having another kid is because of our age. Perhaps this is something you should talk to your DH about.

[ashleybama24]

Well since these two were both surprises, it's not to say another surprise isn't in our future but it just caught me so off guard. He did mention the money and travel and how hard it is to travel with a family of 4 versus 6. I love my boys but man it makes me sad to never buy dresses or pink or have that relationship with a daughter.

[kijip]

It is important to want to have another child for the sake if having another child, not for the sake of having a specific gender. I know many families with 3 or 4 or even more kids all of one gender. You don't get to choose on the 3rd or 4th time around anymore than the first or second. If you have 2 boys and your husband has 3 brothers (one of four boys, right?) I would fully expect that number 3 and 4 would quite likely also be boys for you. I love having two boys and would only have a third child because I wanted a third child, not because it would be nice to have a girl. Three boys would be great for me, but we are both feeling done with pregnancy. I would not make any decisions until you would be as excited for three boys as your would be for the next child to be a girl.

[emily]

Hi. I'm in the same boat as you. We just had our 2nd boy 8 weeks ago and DH has no plans of having anymore. I really thouhgt we were having a girl but it was the opposite. Don't get me wrong, I love our sons. It would be nice to have a girl. As my delivery date grew closer, I felt really sad because I knew this was the last time I'll be pregnant and I cherished those last few weeks, feeling his kicks and hiccups. Now I get emotional when my baby outgrows his clothes, like we'll never use these onesies again. I'm starting to come to terms that we can only afford 2 kids and that DH and I need our time too.

Sounds like you and DH are a young couple. Maybe he doesn't want another kid right away. My DH's reason for not having another kid is because of our age. Perhaps this is something you should talk to your DH about.


I think at 8 wks, it's totally normal to feel done. Those first few weeks/months are sooo hard. DH & I were totally done having kids after DS was born. But he is now 19 mos and we're seriously thinking about having a third. If you had asked us even a couple of months ago, we would have said no way.

[essnce629]

I could have wrote your post! We also had our boys young (I was 22 with DS1 and 27 with DS2 and DBF is a year younger than me) and both were unplanned. I was an only child and always wanted a sister and when I grew up that turned into always wanting a daughter. DBF also says we are done, which makes me sad, but I'm still hoping that he will change is mind down the line. NONE of his friends back home even have kids yet (his first friend just got married last month!), and at work none of the other 1st and 2nd year associates (he's a lawyer) have kids either. The only ones at work that have kids are the partners who are in their 40's and just starting to have kids. So he feels like the odd one. I'm hoping as his friends and colleagues start to have kids he won't feel so weird.

Plus, as a doula and hopefully a midwife one day, I always pictured me being at my daughter's birth like my mom was at mine. No one ever wants their MIL at their birth!!!! And I agree, DBF spends all his time with my family, not his, but they also live on the opposite coast. But even when we did live on the east coast for 3 years we only saw them about 4 times total.

DBF doesn't want more kids because of the money issue, although I personally think we could afford another one! He grew up pretty well off and had WAY more than I ever did so I think his standards of living are much higher than mine and that stresses him out (that his kids won't live they way he did). He's a pessimist too and always worried about the worst and is always thinking that the glass is half empty, while I'm the complete opposite!

I'm still holding out for my girl one day though and refuse to get ride of the small box of girl clothes I have in my garage!

[pinkmomagain]

You don't mention how old ds1 is, but when they are little it is soooo hard. You might find when your children get a little older...3,4,5...babies start to look cute again for dh and he might have a change of heart. Our first two were almost three years apart we thought we were done. Then our little surprise came 6 yrs later and we started all over again. But somehow it was easier with the 2 older and us being more calm parents the third time around.

[ashleybama24]

Completely agree....there would be nothing worse than a child feel like a red-headed step child no one wanted just because he was another boy. It would have to make sense financially as well as emotionally that we wanted more children.

Ironically all the brothers have at least one girl....one even has 3 girls and desperately wants a boy. I guess I'm just sad that this phase of life is already over...you wait your while lives to have children and now suddenly it's done. I'm also a little saddened that DH "wants our lives back"...we're parents...life will forever be different and that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. He is suddenly in this selfish phase.

[almostmom]

Sorry you're feeling so sad, even if some of it is hormonal.

I just want to share that my DH is one of 2 boys. And we spend a lot more time with his parents than mine. I feel some guilt about that, but his parents are just more fun, more like friends. Mine are fine and all, generous and nice and easy going, but he'd just much rather hang with his parents so that's what we do. The wine just goes down faster and easier in his house, and that's how we like our weekends to go so that's where we choose to be!

So it is not a hard and fast rule that the couple hangs more with the woman's parents. His brother also way prefers his own parents for spending time with.

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry that you and your DH are not on the same page with your family planning. It sounds like you have a combo of wanting one more child and also yearning for a girl. As you can see, I have 3 boys and I felt the same way. DH wanted to stop at 2. He grew up with one brother and to him, two boys seemed completely normal to him. Originally, I only wanted two, but never in a million yrs would I have thought I would get all boys, and no girls. It took yrs for me to convince him to try again, and he would only agree to a minimum of a 4 yr age gap btwn DS2 and #3. I had tried to convince him for one more when DS2 was still very young, and that totally put him off, b/c DS2 is my most high maint child. Wait until your baby is a bit older before approaching this subject again. The baby period is always really stressful for my DH and I and I look back now and can see why he would not agree to one more, I had bad timing in asking him at that time. He was much more approachable later on when DS2 was preschool aged (DS2 and DS3 are almost 4 yrs apart).

I love DS3, but yes I still have an empty spot for that little daughter I've always dreamt about and I will be one of those women who always regrets not having had a daughter. It's just something that was really important to me, since I was a child (I wanted a sister and got two brothers instead, so my mom told me someday I would have a daughter of my own). It is ok to be sad about it, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having these feelings. We are finished, 3 is the max for me and I am not willing to keep going until I get a girl. DH had his vasectomy when DS3 was 5 mo old. He wanted to get it done after DS2, but waiting, since he knew that I was not done yet. I am really glad he waited. I would not do any permanent BC at this point, re-eval in a couple of yrs, maybe your DH will change your mind or at least be more open minded about it. Good luck!

[TxCat]

For what it's worth, my SIL (married to DH's brother) and I both spend the majority of holidays with our husbands' family rather than our own families. For both SIL and I, our in-laws are the more welcoming, sane alternative to our own crazy families. So, don't automatically assume that your sons are destined to spend holidays exclusively with their in-laws - your family may be the nice, sane family to spend holidays with. :)

ETA: I know what you mean about DH and a selfish phase. We only have DD and since she was born, DH has been complaining about "wanting his old life back." I don't think he says it in a worrisome, midlife crisis/have an affair kind of way, but having children definitely was more challenging than HE expected, even though he assumed it would be hard to a certain extent. I try to minimize inconvenience as much as possible because I definitely want another child, and I don't want DH to freak out about the challenge of two DC! So, you're not alone. :hug: .

I agree with everyone else - you're still young, wait a few years and reevaluate. Maybe in 3 or 4 years a third child will sound pretty good to both of you.

[BabyBearsMom]

I'm also sad now I will never have a girl because I'm just convinced these boys will grow up and spend holidays with their wives families. It's not the absurd fear...my DH is one of four sons and they ALL spend more time with their inlaws.

Don't feel bad about that! My DH is extremely close with his family (sometimes too close, sigh). We split holidays between the families and your boys could do the same.

Also, if you guys are in your 20s, you don't have to close any doors yet. Give it a few years, and once your boys are out of the baby stage your DH might be more susceptible to more children. Don't spend time worrying about it now, though. You have 3 more weeks of this pregnancy and should enjoy it and enjoy the new baby when he gets here.

[hellokitty]

Oh and after I had DS2, DH went through a HUGE selfish phase. I was so mad at him, I needed more help with the two kids that were only 18 mo apart and he was acting like a spoiled brat, b/c he couldn't lay golf and ride his bikes for 3+ hrs a day. Luckily, it was a phase and by the time we had DS3, he got over it. I called it an early mid-life crisis.

[janine]

Well wanting a girl and wanting a 3rd are different things. If you want a girl you have to be ok that it might mean 3 boys and then wanting a fourth-- that's the thing about expecting things to be a certain way. However if you really do want 3 + children (whether boys or girls) and DH wants to be done at 2, you will need to talk about it more at different points in time - after the new baby is here and maybe at 6 months intervals after that to see if either changes their mind. Just set a deadline when you will decide by (max you want kids to be apart in years).

We thought we were done with #1, DH told me he was 90% sure. I was about 60% sure. We are on the older side and it was a fair argument on his part. But he changed over time (didn't want to have DD grow up an only) and she got easier! If DH had stuck with no, it would have been no. Oh and we are having another girl..sometimes I mourn the boy I'll never have, but it's silly in the end.

I would worry about the "spending all the holidays" with the IL's - things are different now and I'd say we split time 50/50 with the 'rents although my mom is much more involved with my DD. That is more of a choice thing though and I'd love it if MIL stepped up more (whole other topic!).

[ashleybama24]

I'm 28 and DH is 31 so we definitely still have a few years to come that we don't totally have to shut the door. DS1 is also only 20 months old.

Not sure if anyone else DH's/BF's/SO's do this...not bond or not be super interested in the new baby until they are old enough to do something. It's just been recently that DH looks at me and says, "I love that little boy so much it makes my heart hurt". Um, yeah I know, I have felt that way since he was born! Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing father, he just isn't interested in the baby phase. Or maybe he just remembers how hard the first few months are with no sleep and lots of stress.

I think he is just ready for the boys to be old enough to go play or do sports or take fishing and have them actually enjoy it. And if we keep starting over, having more babies then life continues to be put on hold until that child is old enough to take along. But our lives are forever going to be different...at least until they are out of the house. We are parents, we signed up to raise them to the best of our ability for the next 18+ years. Not that we need to totally put our own personal happiness on hold...we just need to modify our expectations.

[lhafer]

I'm 28 and DH is 31 so we definitely still have a few years to come that we don't totally have to shut the door. DS1 is also only 20 months old.

Not sure if anyone else DH's/BF's/SO's do this...not bond or not be super interested in the new baby until they are old enough to do something. It's just been recently that DH looks at me and says, "I love that little boy so much it makes my heart hurt". Um, yeah I know, I have felt that way since he was born! Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing father, he just isn't interested in the baby phase. Or maybe he just remembers how hard the first few months are with no sleep and lots of stress.

I think he is just ready for the boys to be old enough to go play or do sports or take fishing and have them actually enjoy it. And if we keep starting over, having more babies then life continues to be put on hold until that child is old enough to take along. But our lives are forever going to be different...at least until they are out of the house. We are parents, we signed up to raise them to the best of our ability for the next 18+ years. Not that we need to totally put our own personal happiness on hold...we just need to modify our expectations.

Nope, that's a normal male thing. At least it was with my DH too. He would much rather play with our 5 year old than the 16 month old. Although now she can walk/run to him - he's showing more interest.

[ashleybama24]

I love DS3, but yes I still have an empty spot for that little daughter I've always dreamt about and I will be one of those women who always regrets not having had a daughter. It's just something that was really important to me, since I was a child (I wanted a sister and got two brothers instead, so my mom told me someday I would have a daughter of my own). It is ok to be sad about it, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having these feelings. We are finished, 3 is the max for me and I am not willing to keep going until I get a girl.



I think what makes this really hard is that EVERYONE I know is having a girl this year. The only people I know that are having a boy...already had a girl or are having twins.

[icunurse]

I think he is just ready for the boys to be old enough to go play or do sports or take fishing and have them actually enjoy it. And if we keep starting over, having more babies then life continues to be put on hold until that child is old enough to take along. But our lives are forever going to be different...at least until they are out of the house. We are parents, we signed up to raise them to the best of our ability for the next 18+ years. Not that we need to totally put our own personal happiness on hold...we just need to modify our expectations.

I think I understand where your DH is coming from. I was deadset on 3 children, always imagined 3 boys. Throw in years of infertility and adoption, adoption costs, DH being laid off of work, my having some medical issues and #3 was much delayed. Delayed to the point of we are 99% sure that we are done. Done. Besides being older (late 30's) and wanting to actually have some savings instead of paying huge adoption fees ($30k+ each), we just want to have a life again. Travel a little. Be done with diapers. Have walkers instead of pushing a stroller everywhere. Sleep through the night. I never though I would feel this way, and I admit that I still have rare days that I would love one more, but with DD being a very busy kid and the whole family actually having a general flow to it, I am happy to put my energy into what I have vs what might have been my dream. It was emotional at times to get to this point, but I am happy with what I have and how things are going. Not sure I'd want to disrupt it, even for another baby....

[lhafer]

I think what makes this really hard is that EVERYONE I know is having a girl this year. The only people I know that are having a boy...already had a girl or are having twins.

If it makes you feel any better - everyone I know is having boys!!

[TxCat]

If it makes you feel any better - everyone I know is having boys!!

Ditto this! All the women I work with right now are having boys this year! Last year, it was all girls - it's really funny how it does seem to go in waves like that.

[ashleybama24]

Update in OP.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Sounds like his comments are related to how he's feeling right now and based on his stress and anxiety levels. My DH gets totally worked up right before delivery b/c he knows his responsibility triples, the house seems smaller with all the baby gear around, and all the sleep deprivation makes us both nuts. I'd put it on my prayer list, enjoy the new baby you'll have soon, and revisit things in a year. I'm sorry things are not going the way you want them to right now. :hug:

[Ceepa]

Sounds like his comments are related to how he's feeling right now and based on his stress and anxiety levels. My DH gets totally worked up right before delivery b/c he knows his responsibility triples, the house seems smaller with all the baby gear around, and all the sleep deprivation makes us both nuts. I'd put it on my prayer list, enjoy the new baby you'll have soon, and revisit things in a year. I'm sorry things are not going the way you want them to right now. :hug:

I agree. Don't push him. Give him time and check in again in a year or so. And if at that time he still doesn't want more kids then that may be the way of things, but right now try to focus on enjoying this new little baby on his way. :hug5:

[soon2b4]

Oh, I am so sorry. I am sure that was so hard! I agree with PP - give this situation some time and prayer and know that there are a lot of PT coming your way. (Also remember to come here for open ears...)
Big hugs for you!
:grouphug:

[jacksmomtobe]

You have every right to feel sad. Right before having a baby is a hormonal and reflective time period. Your DH is not indicating excitement at what should be a very exciting time and it probably hurts a bit. You are also thinking about the future and his comments are making you feel that things may not be what you had hoped for. I honestly do not think it is a lost cause. People's feelings change as their situation changes. I think that he is stressed out with his job and some males put a lot of pressure on themselves to be the provider so that could be playing into his attitude as well. I think that stress is reflected in his demeanor. Though I would encourage you to use contraception to try to avoid any unplanned pregnancies for the near future. You both want be on the same page about adding another child especially if it means that you make financial sacrifices to make it work. You guys are young and have a lot on your plate him with a stressful job and you with soon to be 2 young ones. Give it some time. Down the road a 3rd child may be an option and may be one you both look forward to. Also sometimes stressful times makes people a bit selfish.

Good luck with the birth of your 2nd child. Sending you a few hugs!!

[ashleybama24]

Future kids aside...how is it he has gotten to this point mentally and emotionally and not once shared. I feel like that is the bigger issue that needs to be addressed because we need to be a solid team so we can be good parents. Our children are important but our relationship needs to come first sometimes too.

[pinkmomagain]

I'm just at a loss this am. I can't believe he has been holding this all in but I also don't know what to do to make it better. Sure we can evaluate the budget and I can not let him do anything around the house (despite the fact that we are a team and I don't want to become a 50s housewife) but I can't make him be emotionally ready or happy this child is almost here.

So sorry. Sounds like he is super stressed. Doesn't seem like the right time to rationally and realistically discuss more kids. I wouldn't look at it as a closed door, just a shelved discussion for now.

My dh worked extremely hard when the kids were little. While many others may disagree with this approach, I really tried hard to burden him with as little as possible regarding house/parenting duties during the work week. On the weekends there was more leeway. I relied on family (mom/dad) some...luckily they were nearby and more than willing.

[BDKmom]

I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with these emotions right now. Your DH probably has had these feeling building for a while, but didn't want to stress you out with them, and only expressed them because you forced the topic. I think there is a big difference between wanting a child/additional children and dealing with the stress of their impending arrival. I would bet that the minute he lays eyes on that sweet baby boy, he will be just as excited and in love as you. Try not to worry too much about his current stressed out attitude/emotions, and do your best to give him the space to deal with this in his way. You are in the process of building a beautiful family, but there is a lot of unknown associated with that, and everyone handles it differently. Maybe just expressing his concerns to you will be a help. Not that any of this makes you feel better, but hopefully some things to consider.

Wishing you a comfortable last few weeks of your pregnancy, and sending PT for DH to find ways to relieve stress and become excited to welcome your new baby boy.

[Pinky]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now... Like the previous posters said I am sure your DH is just extremely stressed over the impending addition to the family and once everything gets settled and you make it through those first few tough months he'll be ok. I also agree that he's probably not been talking about this stuff because he didn't want to stress you and that he only did because you asked him directly about the situation.

I know it's awful to hear how stressed he is, but like the others said I'd just give him some time and not push him about it unless he wants to talk or unless you feel like you really need to.

Again, sorry that you're having to deal with this now as I know you don't need the added stress. :grouphug:

[arivecchi]

I have been reading and just wanted to send hugs. The PP have given you great advice. I understand why you feel so hurt but I would just try to focus on having the baby and having a more rational discussion about future kids a year or two from now. Give yourself time to settle in as a family.

Do you have family nearby who can help? I would try to call in favors now to lessen the load on both of you. :hug:

[lhafer]

Future kids aside...how is it he has gotten to this point mentally and emotionally and not once shared. I feel like that is the bigger issue that needs to be addressed because we need to be a solid team so we can be good parents. Our children are important but our relationship needs to come first sometimes too.

Probably because he knows that pregnancy brings hormones. He has his rights to feel his way, and you have the right to feel sad. But that doesn't mean he will love #2 any less, or care any less about the new baby. I think the end of pregnancy brings a lot of emotions out for both parents. It's close to being *real* and it's scary - no matter how many times you've been through it before.

My DH didn't want ANY kids. Period. He REALLY didn't want 2 girls. But that's what we have. And they are the light of his life. He can't imagine life without them - and he loves them dearly, and shows it. That said, I know that he works more and harder now, because he feels totally responsible for his family since I've become a SAHM. He gets more frustrated with money.

It will get better. Hugs to you!!! :hug:

[bisous]

Hugs! This sounds worse but it might actually be better--because it indicates that he is temporarily feeling overwhelmed and stressed!

If you post your schedule and stresses, maybe we can find ways or solutions to lighten your load. I know what it is like to be very pregnant and stressed. DH is going through a lot right now and is not as supportive as I would like. I just rearranged my schedule (and let some things go like real quality dinners, lol) and I feel a lot more relaxed and better!

Let's get you through the next few months. I believe that though they are always challenging with a new baby, we can figure out ways to have a sweet balance. I'm not sure that will do what it needs to to "convince" your hubby another child is the way to go, but it will bring peace to you and it couldn't hurt!

Good luck and big hugs!!!

[gatorsmom]

I'm just at a loss this am.

Why worry about this now?

Sweetie, you are pregnant and hormonal. Whenever I was pregnant, mole hills seemed like mountains. Don't worry about this now. Focus on the challenges and excitements you have coming in the next few days and weeks. As long as you haven't done anything to permanently prevent being pregnant in the future, he might change his mind. You said you are in your 20's, right? You still have a good 10+ years for another baby to happen, if you both want it.

The fact is, he is right. He's tired and stressed about money, lack of sleep and things being difficult and that isn't going to change for the next year, maybe 2. But honestly- and I know it's hard to believe this- odds are that will change. Once your little ones start to become more independent and sleep through the night, you'll both start sleeping more and enjoying being with your kids more. That might be the time to talk about another baby. But right now, when you are pregnant, life is hard, and neither of you are sleeping, is NOT the time to think about this. Let it go for now. :hug:

[BabyBearsMom]

:hug: It sounds like your DH is going through a really tough time and feeling overwhelmed. Juggling all of the things that he is juggling can be hard. Would he consider talking to a counselor? It seems like he may be letting a lot of emotions build up and it might help him to talk it out with a professional. I'm sure that deep down he is excited for #2 and will love him very much.

[boltfam]

Why worry about this now?

Sweetie, you are pregnant and hormonal. Whenever I was pregnant, mole hills seemed like mountains. Don't worry about this now. Focus on the challenges and excitements you have coming in the next few days and weeks. As long as you haven't done anything to permanently prevent being pregnant in the future, he might change his mind. You said you are in your 20's, right? You still have a good 10+ years for another baby to happen, if you both want it.

The fact is, he is right. He's tired and stressed about money, lack of sleep and things being difficult and that isn't going to change for the next year, maybe 2. But honestly- and I know it's hard to believe this- odds are that will change. Once your little ones start to become more independent and sleep through the night, you'll both start sleeping more and enjoying being with your kids more. That might be the time to talk about another baby. But right now, when you are pregnant, life is hard, and neither of you are sleeping, is NOT the time to think about this. Let it go for now. :hug:

:yeahthat:Pregnancy is hard on both people. We went through the same thing when I was pg with #2 where DH was super stressed, and I was super hormonal. It was a really rough patch, but now DH is itching for another baby. Things will look a lot better in a couple of months.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Future kids aside...how is it he has gotten to this point mentally and emotionally and not once shared. I feel like that is the bigger issue that needs to be addressed because we need to be a solid team so we can be good parents. Our children are important but our relationship needs to come first sometimes too.
ITA that your relationship needs to come first. While we know that is true, DH and I have been so overwhelmed with having 3 DC one right after another that we've found "us" time to be a challenge. Waiting a bit before #3 may give you both time and potential to spend more quality time together. We've found that we need to put time on the calendar to walk together (kids in the gym nursery) and actually talk to one another. I have to remind myself to to ask DH, "How are you feeling? How are you feeling about X, Y, and Z? Is there anything else you are feeling that you're not telling me? Is there anything you think MIGHT be on your mind in the coming weeks?" sometimes it's like drawing blood from a stone.

[buddyleebaby]

I haven't read the whole thread but I could not read and not post.

My advice to you is to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Being stressed or worried not does mean he does not want or love your baby. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be worried about providing enough, having enough time, etc. He is probably worried about your safety going into childbirth. You are doing your job growing a baby and all he can do is wait. And it is hard. And he does not want to dump it on you because he does love you, and wants to support you.

I will also say that the months immediately following my babies' births were probably the hardest for me and my husband as a couple. There ARE lots of sleepless nights, anxiety, and adjustments as you learn to function as a new family. Once we found our groove, everything was ok, and we did make the decision to do it all over again.

But if he is worried about how all this is going to shake out, it is not the time to press him on the possibilty of another. I think, in time, when you have made it through the period he is so worried about, he will soften his view quite a bit. ((Hugs)) to you.

[AnnieW625]

Sounds like his comments are related to how he's feeling right now and based on his stress and anxiety levels. My DH gets totally worked up right before delivery b/c he knows his responsibility triples, the house seems smaller with all the baby gear around, and all the sleep deprivation makes us both nuts. I'd put it on my prayer list, enjoy the new baby you'll have soon, and revisit things in a year. I'm sorry things are not going the way you want them to right now. :hug:

:yeahthat: My DH was uber nervous before DD2 was born, but in the end he handled it better than we thought. DD2 was a surprise also; we had planned to wait a good year after the loss before trying to get pregnant. :hug:

[ashleybama24]

Thank you to everyone for the advice and hugs (please keep them coming!)! I think I just needed a pity party today because I thought DH and I were in such a good place. Come to find out he has been harboring all these fears and emotions and I'm not sure there is anything I can do other than be supportive of him. Work has been awful for him lately and I have been trying to not ask for any help around the house but I know he feels guilty that I am doing it all.

I'm sure he will be excited once DS2 is born but to know he is literally dreading this time makes me sad. Children grow up so fast and in a flash it's over...I savor each moment where he clearly prefers the older years.

[TxCat]

Future kids aside...how is it he has gotten to this point mentally and emotionally and not once shared. I feel like that is the bigger issue that needs to be addressed because we need to be a solid team so we can be good parents. Our children are important but our relationship needs to come first sometimes too.

:hug: So sorry this is all coming up now!

I think the reason he hasn't shared is because he knew it would create added stress and that you would be sad/disappointed/upset. FWIW, both of your reactions seem totally normal/reasonable to me, given what you are going through right now.

I think my DH has a tendency to keep a lot of feelings like this bottled up as well, for fear of upsetting me. DH really did NOT take to parenting well during the newborn phase and I think it surprised both of us because he is normally very patient and level-headed. The combination of sleep-deprivation with infant care (something totally outside of his comfort level and knowledge base) really pushed him over the edge. We had a LOT of stress in our marriage during the first 3 months. If I were to have another baby right now, I think my DH would react very similarly to your DH.

I think you have gotten some excellent advice already. I would try not to worry too much about DH not being excited right now and remind yourself that it is sometimes difficult for the father to be as excited about the new baby as you are - you've had this whole time of being pregnant to bond with the baby and for it to seem "real" and I think that is much, much delayed for fathers (or at least it can be). I also agree that this is the time to call in favors from family and friends as much as possible. Personally, I would avoid having any big, deep discussions about future children, etc. right now. Get through this hurdle, and when you both are feeling more "normal" (less emotional, less hormonal) then you can try to discuss how to better handle communication, household budget, duties, etc.

[bubbaray]

Why worry about this now?

Sweetie, you are pregnant and hormonal. Whenever I was pregnant, mole hills seemed like mountains. Don't worry about this now. Focus on the challenges and excitements you have coming in the next few days and weeks. As long as you haven't done anything to permanently prevent being pregnant in the future, he might change his mind. You said you are in your 20's, right? You still have a good 10+ years for another baby to happen, if you both want it.

The fact is, he is right. He's tired and stressed about money, lack of sleep and things being difficult and that isn't going to change for the next year, maybe 2. But honestly- and I know it's hard to believe this- odds are that will change. Once your little ones start to become more independent and sleep through the night, you'll both start sleeping more and enjoying being with your kids more. That might be the time to talk about another baby. But right now, when you are pregnant, life is hard, and neither of you are sleeping, is NOT the time to think about this. Let it go for now. :hug:

:yeahthat:

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Why worry about this now?

Sweetie, you are pregnant and hormonal. Whenever I was pregnant, mole hills seemed like mountains. Don't worry about this now. Focus on the challenges and excitements you have coming in the next few days and weeks. As long as you haven't done anything to permanently prevent being pregnant in the future, he might change his mind. You said you are in your 20's, right? You still have a good 10+ years for another baby to happen, if you both want it.

The fact is, he is right. He's tired and stressed about money, lack of sleep and things being difficult and that isn't going to change for the next year, maybe 2. But honestly- and I know it's hard to believe this- odds are that will change. Once your little ones start to become more independent and sleep through the night, you'll both start sleeping more and enjoying being with your kids more. That might be the time to talk about another baby. But right now, when you are pregnant, life is hard, and neither of you are sleeping, is NOT the time to think about this. Let it go for now. :hug:

:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat:

this exactly. pregnancy is really rough on both people, especially towards the end. towards the end of my pregnancy with DD, DH was often saying how 2 kids is enough. Honestly, he had every right to be stressed out..he told me how hard it was for him seeing me in a lot of pain and discomfort (i was puking left and right, had terrible headaches, was tired all.the.time and twoards the end was getting really bad contractions). And also, financial stuff (health insurance, etc) is something that is a very valid concern at the moment, whereas having more kids can easily wait a few years. between DH & I , i think he is really leaning towards no more kids at the moment, but we both agreed to table the discussion for a few more years once the kids are in school, i start working again and things have settled a bit. and we're 33 years old..i think if you are in your 20s, you have at least a decade (easily) to have another baby if you want.

and it don't think your DH's comments necessarily means he is dreading the birth of this baby. i think pregnancy/new babies stress out men in different ways (financial concerns are a big one) and they are just worried that they will be able to handle it all. as PP said, if he didn't care about the baby at all he wouldn't be so stressed out and worried about adequately providing for the baby.

[janine]

I agree with the others that you should not get so worked up about this. Yes your DH unloaded and maybe said a few things you weren't prepared to hear. But you know what, what he said is very understandable - and common. It IS overwhelming when a baby is on the way in weeks and all that comes along with that (sleepless nights, budget tightening). Maybe he had a bad day and was venting. Honestly I'd rather have that then have a DH keep it bottled in.

We all have bad days and expect our DH's to understand us, so to me this is the same thing. The bigger issue of more kids and budget can be handled one step at a time--first enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and see how life adjusts once the LO is here. The kids thing (adding more or wanting a girl) can be discussed much later...wait a year or 2 to finalize that decision! With budgeting find ways to cutback and if not consider doing something part time or from home once the kids are older. I guess what I'm saying is all of this doesn't mean you are not in a good place as a couple, this is just life and this piece is also part of being a team. Just keep communication open and you'll get through it - and like I said, could just be a bad day/week so let things just blow over a bit. Keep venting here in the meantime and I hope you feel better soon.

[eh613c]

Update:

So I finally was able to talk to DH about his comments yesterday and wow did the conversation go from bad to worse. He admitted he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders right now. He is super busy at work - he leaves early, comes home late and has been having to work on the weekends as well. On top of that he feels the need to pick up any "slack" because I'm 9 months pregnant and there are just some things I can't do or lift.

He is concerned about money...we cut our income in half when I stopped working last year. Apparently we aren't sticking to the budget...or should I say DH is not sticking to the budget. Our house is too little and renovating or moving isn't something that can happen overnight.

He thinks the next 6 months are going to suck, be filled with sleepless nights and be additionally stressful. He wasn't ready for a second child but decided we should just "get it over with". Having another baby was his idea and it breaks my heart that he isn't excited.

I'm just at a loss this am. I can't believe he has been holding this all in but I also don't know what to do to make it better. Sure we can evaluate the budget and I can not let him do anything around the house (despite the fact that we are a team and I don't want to become a 50s housewife) but I can't make him be emotionally ready or happy this child is almost here.

Sounds like he's overwhelmed, which is typical whether he's the sole income earner or not. Everything is coming at him at lightning speed and he doesn't know how to manage or prioritize. I have the same issue with DH. When DH told me how he felt, I was at a loss for words because I didn't know he felt this way. So we decided we needed to talk about it more before DS2 came along. The things that we couldn't control/do right away (e.g. moving or renovate) we just had to accept as is and make the best of it. I had my MIL stay with us the last 4 weeks of pregnancy because DH was super busy at work and couldn't help out with DS1 and the house. I didn't like it but we had to do it. As for our finances, it's not quite under control but we made some changes. The sleepless nights and diaper changes comes with the baby so that's a given.

I think your DH just feels that he doesn't have control of everything and he doesn't want to fall apart because he doesn't want to disappoint you and DC. Since he's the only income earner, he feels the pressure to do everything right and provide for all his family's needs.

As for being emotionally ready, I don't know what you can do. I told my DH that he's a good husband and father to DS1. And DS2 will need the same love and attention and for him to be emotionally distant would be unfair to the baby.

I'm sorry you're going through this now but I really wish you the best and lots of hugs :grouphug:

[Beth24]

I am so so so sorry you are dealing with this right now. I just wanted to add to that hopefully your DH will starry to feel better just from having shared his feelings with you. I think it was really hard for him to do that. But I have no doubt that when he sees your beautiful new baby he will feel much differently. Sending you lots of :heartbeat: and :hug5:.

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry. I would feel awful, too. I think your Dh is under a mountain of stress right now, and I'd encourage him not to do anything permanent, but also validate his feelings that you will respect them for now, but want to revisit in a few years.

HOWEVER, he has really poor timing to unload this on you NOW.

[MoJo]

BTDT on everything but the gender issues, except we are older instead of younger. Just wanted to send you a big :grouphug: and best wishes on the safe arrival of your new baby!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Why worry about this now?

Sweetie, you are pregnant and hormonal. Whenever I was pregnant, mole hills seemed like mountains. Don't worry about this now. Focus on the challenges and excitements you have coming in the next few days and weeks. As long as you haven't done anything to permanently prevent being pregnant in the future, he might change his mind. You said you are in your 20's, right? You still have a good 10+ years for another baby to happen, if you both want it.

The fact is, he is right. He's tired and stressed about money, lack of sleep and things being difficult and that isn't going to change for the next year, maybe 2. But honestly- and I know it's hard to believe this- odds are that will change. Once your little ones start to become more independent and sleep through the night, you'll both start sleeping more and enjoying being with your kids more. That might be the time to talk about another baby. But right now, when you are pregnant, life is hard, and neither of you are sleeping, is NOT the time to think about this. Let it go for now. :hug:

Those are some wise, wise words!!! Please take them to heart as they are something you might not be able to see now but in time you will.

I was *done* after 1 kid and dh was on the same page. There is a 5.5y gap between my kids because I eventually changed my mind and dh was cool with it too. There are a lot of ways a family can be and you have youth on your side. His feelings, your feelings, anything can change or happen so stay positive and enjoy this pregnancy and baby.

Beth

[BabbyO]

I just wanted to say I think its in the air right now. DH was in a total funk on 4th of July. We'd just celebrated DS' 2nd birthday with 30 people at our house...there was another set back on some work we're having done around the house, I'm in my 29th week and getting tired more quickly now, DS has been a bit of a handful every morning (DH gets him ready & takes him to the sitter), his work is busy, he's trying to train a new employee and they all work remotely so he's been battling with the home office to get the things his new employee needs...

I think its all just hitting your DH right now and it's stressful. As the main income earner...I will add you can't imagine the stress we can put on ourselves, real or imagined. I think you're best bet is to validate his feelings and try to be positive. Things will work out...and I'm sure your DH is thrilled about the baby on the way...just overwhelmed.

I even feel overwhelmed at the thought of a second child joining our household in the next month or two...and I really wanted this baby! Hugs to you and your family...I'm sure things will get better.