Advice: Playgroup..

[niccig]

Update: I was going to go, but they were leaving at 10am. My project partner didn't get back to me until lunchtime and I had to submit our material by 5pm. I can make shorter outings like 2 or 3 hours, but not whole day events. I sent my apologies at 8.30am, saying I was still waiting to get the material I needed and I didn't think we could make it. Another mother was going around noon, and I thought I could tag along with her, but no. Maybe next time.

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Yes, the playgroup that has been driving me nuts ever since I went back to school and don't have time to go. I've fielded questions like "don't you like us anymore?". No, I have a class that afternoon, so that's why I haven't come, which I explained in an email.

They're meeting Friday, and we may be able to go. I said we're a maybe, I have a group project due Friday and may need to spend some time on it, but I think we can get it finished tomorrow. Friday might also be DS's last chance for playdate with his best friend from school before they go on vacation.

Thing is, I don't want to go, because they're going to hassle me again about not attending or not organizing playdates with them. Part of it is I'm busy, and part is that DS wanted playdates with his school friends. Some of the mothers I wouldn't mind catching up with, but there is one person, who I mostly do not want to see, and as we have a larger group of friends, I am going to see her again eventually...so putting off the inevitable maybe. This person called another friend in common and said "is she mad at me about something". My friend replied "don't take it personally, she's slammed and we see her DH and DS, but not her as much as we used to." (These are DH's best friends and like family to us, so if I'm studying he'll call them up and suggest hanging out). Hearing about the phone call made me feel like I'm back in high school!

So, go or not go?

[Melanie]

Go. Have Fun and get the angst over with. Have your response prepared, and just repeat it over and over again. Something non-confrontational like "I have gone back to school. I wish I had time to get together more, but I don't. I'm glad I could make it today. Pass the guacamole." ;)

[mjs64]

Don't go if you don't want to! Sounds like your time is very precious. No need to justify.

[kijip]

With this playgroup it sounds like the only out from drama will be faking your own death. Since that is a teensy extreme and prone to backfire when you inevitably run into one of these women when you go to the market or one of them signs up their child for your SLP services in 4 years, I would go with the bean dip/guac approach. Go or not, as you prefer, and ignore their angsty drama.

[TwinFoxes]

Go or not, as you prefer, and ignore their angsty drama.

:yeahthat: This might just be their way of chatting. (Not crazy friend, but the other friends). They may feel like they have nothing to chat with you about, so they "tease" you about not hanging out with them, but don't realize it's annoying. Just play along: "ugh, my profs had me chained to a desk in the basement, I have't seen sun in a month...where's that darned guacamole?" (Are we using guacamole instead of bean dip because OP is in California? :) ) They might think it's a running joke, while you think of it as them harping on you. Play it for jokes and sympathy.

Your one frienemy that you've mentioned before, I think will confront you, but just play it the same way. "I was just telling everyone how I barely have time to breath any more, I'm just so busy with school. Of course I'm not mad, this isn't high school, hahahaha. Have you tried the guacamole?"

[s7714]

Personally, unless you're planning on becoming more involved with them again in the future, I'd call it quits on the playgroup. Why put up with that kind of thing if you don't have to? Based on my own experience, as your DS gets older it's likely he'll want more to do more with his classmates than old playgroup buddies anyway. I'd just send out a "life is taking us in a different direction but I still love you guys" type of message and then only keep in contact with the non-drama friends.

[sste]

Is the frenemy the one whose child has DS?

I ask because I have wondered when you have posted about her playgroup obsession if it has something to do with the pain of foreseeing a time when her child is going to be "left behind" developmentally and socially from this group, and really from alot of groups, and wanting to forestall that as long as possible. If so, her comments are still annoying and inappropriate but they would be easier for me shrug off.

If I have the cast of characters mixed up, I am in shock these women are so into their playgroup! I mean, this seems very extreme . . .

[MamaMolly]

Nicci, I hereby decree you free of this playgroup. You are absolved of any lingering doubts about continuing to go. You are also ordered to ignore any and everyone in the group who has not emotionally matured beyond 13 years old.

Imagine I'm tapping you on each shoulder with The Sword of Get Over It and On With Life.

[kristenk]

If you want to see a lot of the people who will be there, I think you should go. If the don't-care-to-sees outnumber the want-to-sees by a lot, skip it.

It sounds like you could finish your school project in time to go. The other non-playgroup option is the friend DS won't be able to see *until they get back from vacation.* (I was going to go with this option until I read that they're going on vacation, so presumably, will be coming home for playdates at some point.) It's a lot easier to schedule a one-kid playdate than to schedule visits with all of the playgroup friends you'd like to see.

The other thing that I keep thinking is that basically the person who's driving you batty is driving you batty b/c she wants to see you and wants to make sure she didn't do anything that upset you. Yes, it's annoying - especially when you've said it over and Over and OVER. But, she sounds like she actually cares about you. She's not spreading rumors about why you're *really* not being part of playgroup. Y'know?

So, in summary, the annoyingness of batty friend seems as if it will be outweighed by all of the playgroup people you'd like to see. Be prepared to repeat the school line, smile and pass the guacamole. (Hope you like guacamole!) :wink2: :)

[bubbaray]

If you don't want to go, don't. You have limited time now and I wouldn't spend it on activities that you don't want to do.

[AnnieW625]

Nicci, I hereby decree you free of this playgroup. You are absolved of any lingering doubts about continuing to go. You are also ordered to ignore any and everyone in the group who has not emotionally matured beyond 13 years old.

Imagine I'm tapping you on each shoulder with The Sword of Get Over It and On With Life.

:hysterical: Good advice. I am going through a lot of those issues too in my playgroup. Not necessarily all of the back talking, but yeah it's starting to feel like high school again and I just don't have the energy to deal with it. I started looking for playgroups for DD2 on Meetup.com recently for WOHPs recently and I just decided it's not worth it. I can't wait for DD1 to make new friends at kindergarten so I can hopefully make more friends too.

ETA: I think I would still go to the playgroup event though. People should understand that you are going to school, if not they are really really really dense. Good luck with your project too.

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I love the suggestions of passing the guacomole, not being able to fake my own death, being chained to my desk and the Sword of Get Over It and On With Life.

Sste - you've got the right set of Characters. Frenemy was like this before her DS#2 who does have DS. I think it's a combination of not liking change and always wanting to get her own way. There's been similar issue when others have gone back to work/gone back to school, and she just doesn't get it that our lives don't revolve around playgroup.

I'll take into consideration all that you suggested. I could still go either way. I'll see when DS can see his friend from school before I decide.

[egoldber]

Well, I think you should go. :) It sounds like you do still like most of these people. At times it seems like more effort to go out and get together with a group than it is worth. But I have very seldom regretted making the effort once I did it.

If their constant talking about it bothers you, tell them. Say, "Hey guys I miss you too, but I'm so busy now. Honestly, you're just making me feel worse. I try to come when I can." And then let it go.

But it is MUCH easier, IME, to let a group of friends drift away than it is to make a NEW group of friends. At school, people have their own groups already and things do not get any less busier as the kids get older. Our playgroup drifted away and I do regret not doing more to at least keep up mom's night's, etc.

[niccig]

Update in 1.