S/O infant/toddler activities: does your younger child(ren) get shafted/neglected?

[goldenpig]

This is a spinoff of the infant/toddler activities thread. For my first child, I did all those early activities with her like Music Together, Gymboree, Little Gym, etc etc. Now with my second, his main activity is getting carted around to DD's activities (ballet, swimming, soccer). Right now he's in infant swim lessons but that's the only thing he's done so far. I feel kind of bad for him that he has to spend so much time just hanging out doing nothing while DD is getting her "enrichment" activities. Should I be signing him up for something like a music together class? The nanny takes them to the library and parks and children's museum, and he plays with DD a lot. But I still feel a little sorry for him sometimes. Maybe it will get better when he gets older and can start his own activities/sports. But then my head starts to spin at the thought of jugging two (or possibly more) kids' worth of activities!:dizzy: Did your younger child(ren) get shafted in terms of activities or was it pretty equal?

[bubbaray]

We try to keep it equal. When DD#2 is in school, we'll be adding more dance classes and (maybe) piano. DD#1 added more than just ballet once she was in Grade 1. We might start adding dance classes with DD#2 in Kindy (she's a January baby) because she'll be ready earlier.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I've tried to pick things we could do together - mainly Kindermusik Family Time classes and private swim lessons where DH and I could get in the water also. We trade off DC so everyone gets time with the instructor, mom, and dad. We're on the verge of DD getting into more stuff that would require him to wait on the sidelines, but I'm chicken to sign up for those things (soccer, swim team) because I've still got TWO DC to manage/ cart around as "extra" baggage. Otherwise, I pay a sitter to stay at home with them which is no fun for the wallet.

[brittone2]

My kids do 1-2 activities at a time. DS1 started playing baseball this spring and DD wasn't enrolled in anything at that time. DD is now participating in dance and DS1 is not enrolled in anything formal (they both just wrapped up swim lessons).

DS2 doesn't care ;) He goes along w/ us to the pool, etc. but isn't enrolled in any formal classes.

I never participated in Kindermusic, Gymboree, etc. with any of them as infants or young toddlers.

I don't consider the younger kids shafted, but I don't place a lot of value on infant/toddler classes for our particular circumstances.

[sunshine873]

I only have DD, so I'm not there yet. But I think part of the reason you do those infant/toddler classes is to expose them to other kids & the way kids do things (& frankly...it gives you ideas of what kinds of things to do with them too.) Once you have older siblings there, the younger kids are getting a lot of that from brothers & sisters, right? Maybe it's not so much that the younger ones are getting shafted - maybe they don't need those types of things as much.

[g-mama]

Did your younger child(ren) get shafted in terms of activities or was it pretty equal?

Shafted. For many reasons.

I realized how "unnecessary" those enrichment-type classes were for babies and even toddlers. The largest benefit, by far, that came from taking those classes with my firstborn was to meet other moms and babies and have somewhere to go so I didn't lose my sanity. Once I made some friends and it turned into a playgroup, we both had the social outlet we needed and did activities with friends.

Second, it was a financial decision. You start to put the monetary decisions into better perspective when you're juggling more than one child.

Third, the more kids I had, the more my time became precious to me and the less I was looking to "fill up" my days because they were pretty darn full by then.

The kids certainly didn't miss out on anything that will harm them in any way developmentally and they have the benefit of having their brothers to play with, as well as more extra kids in the house b/c of their siblings' friends, etc. Their lives are never dull, and IMO, at that young age, that is really all that comes from extracurriculars.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I've done less with ds2. He spent so much time just being schlepped to ds1 stuff that I felt like I needed to do something and signed up for Music Together. 1 hour/ week got to be just for him and it was perfect! I try to remember to sign ds2 up for things but I know he does less than big brother did.

Beth

[Roni]

Dd2 didn't get shafted, but I think dd3 will. We don't really have the time or money for more classes (until she's older, when we'll have to deal, and dd1 will be driving herself places). Part of it, also, is that I don't have the same need to meet other parents and get out of the house that I had when the other two were little.

[egoldber]

Everything g-mama said.

With my second, I knew all that stuff was mainly for me to get out of the house and find a support group. I already had that and didn't need it. I really don't see it as her being shafted, I see it as shifting needs and priorities.

And then when I went back to work, younger DD went to preschool/daycare and they did music and movement and I just didn't feel a need to do much else. This past year we started swim and dance, but they are both at her school.

[AnnieW625]

So far no, although DD2 did Gymboree vs. cheaper city play classes that DD1 did because Gymboree worked better with DD2's sleep schedule. Both girls are swim lessons this summer. Ballet won't start until at least 3 if DD2 wants to go, but I have thought about waiting until she is 4 or 5 to start that though.

As far as mommy group thing I would like to find one for kids who are DD2's age, but no such luck yet. I am trying not to stress about it but it seems to be all SA or WPT parents phase right now on meetup.com or MOMS groups in our area. I did go to Stroller Strides with DD2 until I went back to work (and I try and go on weekends, but that's hard) and am going to a SS MNO tonight but again the main demographic of the group is first time SAHM moms who are in their late 20s so I feel a tad old, but we'll see how it goes.

[Green_Tea]

DD1 and DD2 are 19 months (and one grade) apart. Did/does DD2 get the shaft? Yup. But you know what? DD2 is the most laid back, easygoing kid ever. She is thoughtful and considerate and rolls with the punches. She loves the activities she does, but is happy to be along for the ride when it's DD1's turn (and it often is. Right now DD1 has swim team practice 5 days a week, and DD2 tags along and sits contentedly.)

Though it might appear that DD1 gets all the opportunities and DD2 is just along for the ride, DD1 is not nearly as patient or laid back as her sister, probably because she never had to learn to sit and wait the way her sis has. I actually think DD2 wins in the end. Patience and consideration for others will serve her really well in life, but I am doubtful that you'll see DD1 in the 2020 Olympics despite her crazy swim practices.

(FTR, DD2 has lots of activities, too. But she's not quite as intense as her sis. YMMV, of course.)

[BeachBum]

Shafted. For many reasons.

I realized how "unnecessary" those enrichment-type classes were for babies and even toddlers. The largest benefit, by far, that came from taking those classes with my firstborn was to meet other moms and babies and have somewhere to go so I didn't lose my sanity. Once I made some friends and it turned into a playgroup, we both had the social outlet we needed and did activities with friends.

Second, it was a financial decision. You start to put the monetary decisions into better perspective when you're juggling more than one child.

Third, the more kids I had, the more my time became precious to me and the less I was looking to "fill up" my days because they were pretty darn full by then.

The kids certainly didn't miss out on anything that will harm them in any way developmentally and they have the benefit of having their brothers to play with, as well as more extra kids in the house b/c of their siblings' friends, etc. Their lives are never dull, and IMO, at that young age, that is really all that comes from extracurriculars.

YUP.
That said, I don't regret doing any of the classes and things that I did with my oldest. I do feel guilty though that I don't have the same one on one quality time type activities with my little ones.

[bisous]

Shafted? Probably. But I mostly agree with gmama and others.

The thing is DS2 doesn't FEEL like he is getting the raw end of the deal. He loves tooling around with his big brother.

We do have a "class" that he attends and it is library time at a local library. He loves it SOO much and I'm happy he can attend. It is totally free.

[sste]

Well, it is still early days but not so far in the class department. DD duly started her baby music class with me this summer. :) Since I am at the stage of parent-child activity what I most love about the class stuff is that it is my 1:1 special time to spend with each child. DD def. gets the shaft in terms of parental attention because she is DS is so much more demanding and active inherently as well as at his developmental stage. So it is all the more important to me that DD and I have our tuesday mornings together.

We moved to an area where there is a well-known music school (though I seem to have enrolled with the dud teacher this summer) and an excellent dance studio walking distance. So, that I hope will make juggling easier. Also, as other posters mentioned, a major consideration for us in choosing a preschool for DS was that they provide at least one enrichment activity where an outside teacher comes in and preferably more. At his program, there is an outside music teacher 1X per week and swimming lessons 1-2X per week. In the fall outside of preschool we will do one early childhood music class for DS and a suzuki sampler class that meets for 6 weeks and 1-2 music classes for DD (the nanny also loves taking DD to music class so I may have to pay for a second class).

[smilequeen]

Shafted. For many reasons.

I realized how "unnecessary" those enrichment-type classes were for babies and even toddlers. The largest benefit, by far, that came from taking those classes with my firstborn was to meet other moms and babies and have somewhere to go so I didn't lose my sanity. Once I made some friends and it turned into a playgroup, we both had the social outlet we needed and did activities with friends.

Second, it was a financial decision. You start to put the monetary decisions into better perspective when you're juggling more than one child.

Third, the more kids I had, the more my time became precious to me and the less I was looking to "fill up" my days because they were pretty darn full by then.

The kids certainly didn't miss out on anything that will harm them in any way developmentally and they have the benefit of having their brothers to play with, as well as more extra kids in the house b/c of their siblings' friends, etc. Their lives are never dull, and IMO, at that young age, that is really all that comes from extracurriculars.


I agree with that too. Each one does a little less and it's a combo of things. I am busier now and I honestly really value the time home alone with the baby while his brothers are at school/camp. With DS1 I felt like I had to do everything and I really did need to get out of the house and meet other moms with babies. I don't need the social interaction anymore. I do still plan to set up a mom/baby class while the big kids are in school. But just one, not all of them like I did with ds1.

[ha98ed14]

SIL has 4 and the younger three totally get the shaft. The second child, a boy (12), knows he gets the shaft and willingly tells people about how much he hates being lugged around so his older brother (15) can do his activities and classes. *AND* how he never gets to do anything because it always conflicts with things his older brother is doing. I've heard him say it to DH multiple times right in front of his mother (SIL). (I *wish* I had it on video and could post to youtube and link to it!)

Does she change the way she runs her household to accommodate her visibly bitter and neglected son? Nope!

Who does that? I'll be way too honest and say it's another thing I'm glad I don't have to worry about.

[ha98ed14]

Though it might appear that DD1 gets all the opportunities and DD2 is just along for the ride, DD1 is not nearly as patient or laid back as her sister, probably because she never had to learn to sit and wait the way her sis has. I actually think DD2 wins in the end. Patience and consideration for others will serve her really well in life, but I am doubtful that you'll see DD1 in the 2020 Olympics despite her crazy swim practices.


Given the above, why wouldn't you give DD1 the opportunity to learn patience and consideration for others by having her "learn to sit and wait" at an activity of DD2's? If you see patience and consideration the greater life skill, why not cultivate it in DD1? You said yourself it is more important than learning to swim competitively. Not trying to be confrontational. I'm sincerely interested in the reasoning.

[g-mama]

Given the above, why wouldn't you give DD1 the opportunity to learn patience and consideration for others by having her "learn to sit and wait" at an activity of DD2's? If you see patience and consideration the greater life skill, why not cultivate it in DD1? You said yourself it is more important than learning to swim competitively. Not trying to be confrontational. I'm sincerely interested in the reasoning.

Not GreenTea, but here is my take on this.

By the time my younger ones were ready for any sort of activities, I was usually able to plan them to be when the oldest was in school. It made it much easier for me. If I couldn't arrange something for when he was at school, I was more likely to just skip it and decide it wasn't worth the hassle. It was more difficult to stop doing an activity that my oldest one had already been doing for awhile, which, like I said, he probably didn't *need* to be doing, but he was the first and so, I didn't know any better, LOL. The younger ones had grown up going with the flow and coming along. Like GreenTea said, though, they are much better for it, to be honest, and are more flexible and easygoing.

Something else, too....when my middle ds began having soccer practice on a weeknight, I had a neighbor who would often offer to have my oldest come over and play b/c her son was an only child and he always wanted (wants!) my ds to come over. While it was a help, I began saying 'no' sometimes because I realized that my oldest should also have the opportunity to sit and wait and not have everything be all about him.

[Green_Tea]

Given the above, why wouldn't you give DD1 the opportunity to learn patience and consideration for others by having her "learn to sit and wait" at an activity of DD2's? If you see patience and consideration the greater life skill, why not cultivate it in DD1? You said yourself it is more important than learning to swim competitively. Not trying to be confrontational. I'm sincerely interested in the reasoning.

DD1 has learned those lessons (and other, that he sister has not yet learned) in other ways. And she has other gifts and attributes that her sister does not.

Perhaps my PP was unclear: DD1 absolutely DOES have to sit and wait at her sister's activities. On a weekly basis. But because she's older, her sister has a longer history of having to do so from a younger age. And, purely by merit of what each girl has chosen as their desired activities, DD2 does more sitting and waiting.

DD1 is a patient and considerate kid. But she's a much more Type A personality than her sister. She is eager to achieve. Competitive. Antsy. DD2 is just more naturally laid back, and has been since she was very young. I think this probably somewhat just her nature, but "being along for the ride" has definitely helped, and she is not the least bit resentful about it. In fact, she enjoys having time with me, and not competing with her sister.

My point was that the unique place that each kid has within the family offers special benefits and blessings. While it might seem like the oldest benefits the most in some situations, they also might carry a different burden as the firstborn. It's not always easy being the oldest. Conversely, being "along for the ride" might look like a drag from the outside, but may also teach unique, valuable lessons.

[g-mama]

GreenTea - beautifully explained! I think you are so right.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i agree with g-mama. i think the younger kid(s) totally get the shaft (at least in my case)..though i don't think it's such a bad thing.

when ds was 9 mos i started him taking to Gymboree gym classes. i did it until DD was born. then i had to cancel it...too hard with 2 kids so close in age. i would love to give DD same opportunity when she gets a little older, but there is just no way i could do it and watch a very active 2yo at the same time (in face i think you are only allowed to bring 1 kid per parent, unless it's a designated family class). plus, now i realize that $85/month for a class once a week (plus access to the gym) is pretty darn pricey. that's like $22 per class, for a BABY..that's more than the cost of most adult classes (pilates,etc!)

i do agree that things like gymboree etc are mostly for the parent to be able to get out of the house. i do think it helped though in terms of my DS's social development. when he first did the classes he was sort of shy and jsut wanted to sit there, though within a few weeks he would really warm up and want to interact with everyone.

as others said, at least with DD, she already has a playmate (DS), and so there is some social interaction there already.

[smilequeen]

SIL has 4 and the younger three totally get the shaft. The second child, a boy (12), knows he gets the shaft and willingly tells people about how much he hates being lugged around so his older brother (15) can do his activities and classes. *AND* how he never gets to do anything because it always conflicts with things his older brother is doing. I've heard him say it to DH multiple times right in front of his mother (SIL). (I *wish* I had it on video and could post to youtube and link to it!)

Does she change the way she runs her household to accommodate her visibly bitter and neglected son? Nope!

Who does that? I'll be way too honest and say it's another thing I'm glad I don't have to worry about.

There is a big difference between not rationing out the baby/toddler classes equally and treating your older kids the way you describe. I don't think it's fair for a 12 year old to still be getting the shaft. Most parents spread the extracurricular love more evenly at that age. It sucks that she doesn't.

[MoJo]

DD#1 didn't do any activities at all until both DD#1 and DD#2 started going to in-home daycare at the same time. . . so I suppose, if anything, you could say DD#1 was "shafted" for the social experience. IMO, DD#1 is naturally social and started daycare at just the right age; DD#2 is NOT naturally social and so is actually benefitting more from it than #1 would have.

I may well sign DD#2 up for something sooner too, because she just seems very athletically inclined compared to anyone in either family.

I do wish I had found a group of moms, but multiple types of searches in my relatively rural area turned up nothing. All the moms I know IRL have family nearby and don't seem to need to develop many friendships outside their families.

[maestramommy]

DS2 doesn't care ;) He goes along w/ us to the pool, etc. but isn't enrolled in any formal classes.

I never participated in Kindermusic, Gymboree, etc. with any of them as infants or young toddlers.

I don't consider the younger kids shafted, but I don't place a lot of value on infant/toddler classes for our particular circumstances.

Kinda feel the same way here, although i did do a music class with Dora, and later a Family Fun time class with both Dora and Arwyn shortly after Arwyn was born (kind of like Gymboree but more informal and MUCH cheaper, through parks and rec). For me the classes are really just for something fun to do that breaks the monotony. Believe me, with 3 kids there's very little monotony these days:p

Dora and Arwyn did VCS this summer, and Laurel sorta tagged along, went to their class for short spurts, played with the big kids during large group session. She loved it.