SAHM, Newborn, & Nanny Questions

[indigo99]

DS will have just turned 2 when DS#2 arrives in September. DH will be home with us for 2 weeks and then returns to work and will need to get sleep each night. I will be breastfeeding, and DS has just recently become VERY attached to me (holding onto me all the time or wanting held, crying when I leave the house etc)

I know that I mostly slept whenever DS slept as a newborn, but how do you do that with another child in the house? We're trying to figure out how we'll be able to juggle it all and have decided that we need some help (and are very lucky that DH's parents offered to pay for someone to help), but we have never even had an outside babysitter for DS so we have lots of questions.

Although I think that daycare might be good for DS, he's been with me since birth and has pretty much avoided being sick at all. I don't like the idea of him suddenly being exposed to everything and being sick constantly with a newborn in the house. I think having someone come into the home is a better idea, but how would that work? I don't think we want someone living with us, but how much time would I need someone here?

Can someone help me come up with an idea of how we could structure it so that DH and I get enough sleep, the house stays clean, shopping and cooking are done, and both children are taken care of? I can't look for a nanny without knowing what I'd want them to be doing.

[indigo99]

Didn't anyone have someone come in and help after a new baby? If your mother came to stay for a while and help out then what did she do? I just need an idea of what will be most helpful, how many hours, etc. Will it be easiest to have someone else watch after DS#1 while I take care of the baby? I just don't know when I'll get to sleep if I'm the one up with him all night and then I'm up with DS#1 during the day, but I know that DS1 will be the one missing and needing me specifically the most.

[crl]

Well, my situation was different because my older child is much older, but here is what I did.

Dh took three days off and then went back to work. Dd is adopted and we formula fed. So I hired a night nurse to come every other night for two weeks so I could get a solid nights sleep. Ds is older than your older child so he was in school during the day and went to aftercare for an extra hour afterwards so that I had the majority of the day with just the newborn. Also dh did go in late to work for the first three months so that he could drop ds off at the bus stop. That meant I did not have to get dressed in the mornings and could go straight back to bed if the baby was sleeping when dh and ds left for the bus stop. For the first month I paid for grocery delivery so I did not have to go to the store. And I paid for a housecleaning right before my parents came, at the two week mark.

When my parents came my mom took care of cooking and laundry. They also did a fair bit of holding the baby so I could go outside and supervise ds playing. And they watched the baby while I got a hair cut and ran various errands. My parents are older so I did not leave them with both kids or even with the baby for more than a couple of hours just because I thought that was asking too much of them.

In your case I think I would look at grocery delivery, housecleaning and a sitter part time. Maybe you could have someone who would take your older child to the park in the mornings? Another thing I did starting at the three month or so mark, was hire a sitter to come once a week to take care of the baby so I could take ds out with just me.

Hope that helps,
Catherine

[ahrimie]

I'm very much in the same boat. I have an almost 4 week old and contemplated hiring a nanny before I delivered but didn't know exactly what I would *need*. My oldest is 3 and was already in preschool 3 days/week (full days) so a little different from you. But here's my input from my limited experience so far:

The first week was the hardest in terms of DD1 behaving (she started to act out a bit more and wanted more of MY attention). I tried to do what I could with her but honestly, it was really hard because I was really swollen down there. I couldn't go out like she wanted me to or push her on the swings. For her, I asked DH to tend to her as much as he could. Or, as much as I hated to, we let her watch a ton of tv. The first few weeks are about survival!

YOU are really tired and getting the hang of things the first week too. So try to rest. My mom has been helping us but will be leaving this week. What she's done for us is make all meals, light cleaning, laundry, and watch both kids if/when I got a chance to nap. Since your DH will be home, I'd suggest he take care of DS and have your nanny do the cooking and cleaning (if they will). Either she or your DH can go grocery shopping. My mom helped with nights for the first few days so I could rest but after a few days, I just did nights by myself. I needed the most help in the mornings: having my oldest fed and dressed and someone taking the baby so I could sleep some more. After lunch is another time I need help because I'm tired again by then. Of course, my mom is living with us and you mentioned you probably don't want your nanny to. I think starting out at 6-8 hrs/day is good; so 8am-2pm or 7am-3pm depending on when you guys wake up in the morning usually. But this comes from someone who's never hired a nanny before. And I'm not sure how much your in laws want/can pay too.
Sorry I'm not much of a help.... I'll be checking this thread for other input too!

[daisymommy]

I have never had a nanny, so I don't know how helpful my answer will be. Hopefully someone who did will chime in.

My mother stayed for 2 weeks after the birth of each of my children, and then my MIL or DH stayed for 2 weeks after that. Seeing as how you have a 2 year old though, if you can swing it longer that would obviously be great!

My mom basically was an extra pair of hands for whichever child I needed help with and took care of the whole house, cleaning, cooking, laundry too. She's awesome like that :wink2:. If I just wanted to lay there and snuggle my baby or when I was nursing him/her, then she would take care of the older sibling and do housework at the same time. Or if I wanted to sleep or shower in peace then she would take both kids and play with them, then fit in house stuff when she could.

At night, even though you really want to be able to sleep, if you are breastfeeding you really shouldn't skip feedings. That will lead to mastitis and poor milk supply. So, I wouldn't ask someone to take the baby at night or do any bottle feedings at night.

Does your 2 year old sleep well all night long? if so, I would just have someone help you during the day--from wake-up time to dinner time maybe? And during that time you can get naps and recoup.

There are post-partum doulas out there who are awesome at "mothering the mother" and also usually offer services for newborn care and nanny type duties. I'm not sure about totally housekeeping services though--maybe you would then hire a housecleaner to come once a week? Do a Google search, as there are several certifying agencies out there. Oh! And Essence (Latia) here is a doula, so maybe she would know.

Good Luck!

[Raidra]

We never had a nanny or outside help (or even family help), so I can't totally answer your question. My first was 21 months when my second was born. My husband took a week off, then we were on our own. Personally, I did the bare minimum of housework during the week and we caught up on weekends. We also loaded the freezer with meals so we didn't have to cook, or we had sandwiches. I was nursing, too, but my husband still helped me out during the night. You could try going to sleep earlier than you might normally, right after nursing, and let your husband take the baby for a while. Even if you have to wake up again after an hour or two, at least it's something. I'm not sure I buy the whole, "my husband goes off to work, so he needs a full night sleep" thing. I'm responsible for children during the day, I need some sleep, too. I mean, we rely on my husband's income, but once he's home, childcare is split 50/50. His job is to go out and earn money during the day, my job is to take care of the children during the day. Our 'jobs' end when he gets home from work, then we take care of our family together.

If you want to hire help, I'd hire someone for housekeeping, and someone to watch your oldest so you can take a nap with the baby. Does your oldest still nap? I'd try really hard to make sure the baby will be napping at the same time as your oldest, that will give you a little time to lie down.

To be honest, you just get used to the sleep deprivation. It won't last forever. :)

ETA: I know it's really hard to imagine what life will be like with two children. I remember stressing out over how I would get both children into the car (and we live in the suburbs, the car is in the driveway about ten feet from the front door). Once you're there and doing it, you just figure it out and manage. You'll get a better idea of what help you need during the two weeks that your husband's home, you could always wait until after the baby's born to hire someone.

[indigo99]

Thanks for the ideas so far. Even if you didn't have help yourself, knowing what things you would have liked to have help with is really... helpful.

I will most likely have a scheduled c-section, and I didn't recover very well last time (lots of pain) so I'd like to do a little less in those first 2 weeks this time. Even with DH home, I think having someone else around to help with DS will be good even in the beginning - especially since he still needs lifted in/out of a crib and needs help going up/down our stairs.

DS currently is still napping, but I don't know how much longer that will last. He's learned how to climb out of the pack-and-play so I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before he gets out of the crib. Some days he just sits in there and talks for an hour before sleeping or never even goes to sleep. He does sleep through the night, but we'll see if that still happens once the baby comes.

DH did help at night last time, but the point of hiring someone this time is to work it out so that hopefully we can get as much or more sleep this time even though we have a toddler too. DH can actually function on less sleep than I can normally, but it is really important that this doesn't affect him at work since there have been a lot of layoffs at his job. We absolutely depend on him keeping his job.

[sunnyside]

I have no experience with this, but may in the future LOL. I will say that my girl was home with me until 9 months old and then started at Goddard school in the mornings (a school for 6 weeks to 6 years). It is a very nice place and she loves it there. The director and teachers are very loving and caring and take excellent care of her. I thought it would be terrible, but it's actually better. I can't give her nearly the attentive care full time that they do. Because I am doign household chores, working, etc. They are there JUST to engage and care for the children. So she does music and art, plays outside, all sorts of stuff. She has a much richer life experience there then I could provide for her. She got a cold one time in the first two weeks there and otherwise has not gotten sick at all. I feel so lucky that she has such a wonderful place to go with such loving teachers and so much to do. She adores it there. Just to ease your mind about it and show you that not every child gets sick all the time at day care.

[carolinamama]

I would look into a postpartum doula. They are trained to provide exactly the services you are seeking and I think it would be easier to hire them than a sitter who you have to direct. The pp doulas are there do make your life easier and will have a better idea what you need. We have an pp doula company here that offers all different types of packages from overnight to just daytime. I think you can mix up the different services too.

On top of a pp doula, I would probably look into having a housecleaner every 2 weeks or so. (Says the postpartum mother of 3 who's housecleaner is oot for the next 5 weeks. Boo hoo.)

[ThreeofUs]

Postpartum doula. We had them after both children, and after DS2, when DS1 was almost 4, she saved our lives. Go through a doula agency if you want to be sure you have someone with certifications and experience, and have someone come at night as well as in the day.

[jjjo1112]

I never had any paid help but did have some limited family help. My DS was 15 months when DD came along and I had an emergency C/S, so I had the recovery to deal with as well. I came home on a thursday and DH went back to work on Monday. Since I couldn't do any lifting, someone came by the house in the morning to put DS in his crib for nap and came by in the afternoon to help get him out. (we did this for the first 5 days or so) If I could have hired someone, I would have- it would have made things much easier. For me the ideal time would have been 11am-7pm or 10am-6pm. I would have spent a little time with both kids in the morning and then at 11 when the sitter came, I would have had them put DS down for a nap and then spend time with the baby while I caught a few hours of sleep. Then in the afternoon, I would have spent time between nursing and spending time with DS and had the nanny do whatever I wasn't. Then the nanny could get dinner ready and help with dinner/bath time/bedtime. The afternoons/evenings 4pm-8pm, were always the craziest. It was a long day and everyone was tired/cranky, plus I was always more sore in the afternoon/evening- so that would have been when I would have loved to have someone to help. We had no help with the 3rd child either- but again, if I could have hired help the afternoons/evenings are when I would have wanted it.

[ast96]

I had my second when my first was 21 months old, and my husband didn't take a single day off from work. I have never had a nanny either and only started using a babysitter when number 3 was 9 months old. But my mom has helped here and there. I would advise you get someone to come in the mornings 3-5 days a week. Afternoons were better -- both children napped a lot. But mornings were hard. A doula is an excellent suggestion.

I also recommend a housekeeper once a week for a while. That was a blessing!

[KrisM]

My kids are 25 months apart, so I had a 2 year old and a newborn for my second and then a 4, 2, and newborn for the 3rd.

I had a c-section for all. DH stayed home the first week. I tried to get the baby to nap when the 2 year old did. When DS1 was 4, I would let him watch TV and just wake up to change the show :).

It was hard, but after a few weeks, it's a habit and it's not terrible, IMO. I did have meals in the freezer, friends who brought meals for 2 weeks, and spring/summer babies which made getting out so much easier. I didn't consider a nanny, but I imagine that would have been great!

[MommyAllison]

I didn't have help come in. DH stayed home (mostly) for 1 week after each child. With DS, friends brought dinner over each day for 2 weeks - that was the most helpful thing! DH usually came home for lunch, which was also very helpful. I don't really remember how we handled cleaning, but it all worked out. It was spring/summer when DS was new, so we were outside a lot, which probably kept the house cleaner. We co-slept at night and DH got up with DD after DS was born, so I got a pretty decent amount of nighttime sleep. Meals were the #1 most helpful thing!

[mmsmom]

I would look into a postpartum doula. They are trained to provide exactly the services you are seeking and I think it would be easier to hire them than a sitter who you have to direct. The pp doulas are there do make your life easier and will have a better idea what you need. We have an pp doula company here that offers all different types of packages from overnight to just daytime. I think you can mix up the different services too.

Yes! Postpartum Doula is what you want. I had one who was AWESOME! They just know what to do & know what you need. I had one after my first so I didn't need her to provide childcare but that is something she would have done. My Doula did not do overnights herself but she had someone who worked for her that did... that was a huge help too. I only had her a couple nights but I was able to get so much more sleep when she was there even though I was nursing.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

my two are 14 months apart, and i am a SAHM. no, you don't get to sleep while the newborn sleeps like you did with the first kid. but the good news is, you do get used to it. You will get to a point where you think about how handing one kid is the easiest thing in the world. And the sleep deprivation doesn't last forever, thankfully!

i would recommend getting a nanny part-time. i did that and it helped tremendously. I had the nanny when i first got pregnant with DD so DS was used to her. after DD was born i too thought about putting ds in a part-time daycare/school to be able to get a break but never did it bc i too was worrying about the germs thing (especially since dd was a preemie). also, i did NOT want to deal with having to wake a up/disturb a newborn to drop off/pick off DS.

as for help, we didn't get much at all..had about 2 days of family help after we brought DD home. She was born premature and had to be in NICu for 3 weeks, so we exhausted most of all our family help (which all live out of town) for watching DS, cooking while she was in the hospital. So it was like bringing a newborn home and then having only 2 days of help. It was rough, but we survived! :) Luckily DD came home on a Friday and then DH was able to take the following 2 weeks off. It wasn't too horrible actually..in a way 2nd time around is easier bc you are more confident about how to do everything. it only get really bad once DH had to go back to work and i had to manage them both by myself during the day. that took a ton of getting used to, especially for DS. I was soo exhausted.

since we have no family available to help (family has not visited since DD came home), we have had to hire all our help. i considered a night nurse to help with DD but DH didn't like the idea of somebody being in our house while we were sleeping. We did have cleaning help (once every 2 weeks). We have a lawn/landscaping service that comes once a week to mow the lawn, etc so that DH doesn't have to do it and he can help a ton more on weekends. Having a nanny to come in the mornings (four hours aday, twice a week) to watch my DS was super helpful bc she could give DS one-on-one attention, which he loved. the mornings (like 9:30-1:30) worked great for us, because the nanny would take ds to the park, wear him out and then at 1pm or so he would take his nap, so basically until 3pm or so when DS woke up i would just have DD for the day and i could jsut rest when she was sleeping.

[nfowife]

I think a part-time nanny would be awesome. Have you looked into doing a mother's day out program for your 2 year old? Might be a nice thing as well, to get him out of the house and keep him active. Mine are 21 months apart and that's when I started MDO and it has been a big thumbs up experience for our family. The exposure to germs thing is going to happen at some point no matter when you start a group experience, to be honest.

I think an ideal schedule if you just do a nanny would be M-F 8-whenever his naptime is, if he naps from 1-3 or 4, then the nanny could be there to put him down for the nap and then leave. Then you can have both kids from end of nap until your DH gets home. She could take him to the park, play in the yard, library, whatever and you could rest and get stuff done around the house. You can also tell her you expect light housekeeping (laundry and folding/putting away, dinner prep, wiping counters in kitchen and vacuuming) while you spend time with DS and baby naps, once she gets a little older and you get used to the lack of sleep :) .

[ShanaMama]

One thing you might want to keep in mind that anyone can really care for your newborn- s/he doesn't care who holds & changes him / her. Your older one will want only you. So although you will want to snuggle & care for your baby, if you have to choose between the two, think about getting help with the baby & devoting your energies to your 2 yo.
Of course if you have someone who can fill in everywhere, that would be ideal.

[indigo99]

Lots of good advice.

I do know that we will have to face the germ/sickness vulnerability at some point, but I would rather do it once DS2 is a bit older and can handle it better so I'm ruling out daycare or MDO for now - especially since this will be getting into the fall/winter/sickness months.

Unfortunately, we had one solitary meal brought to us with DS1, and I doubt I will even get that one this time around since we haven't seen those friends much since DS was born. Eating every night is going to be a challenge. Maybe I can start a thread for frozen dinner ideas to help us in the beginning. Anyone know of any existing threads like that?

How long would a PP Doula stay on after birth, and what exactly do they do?

Is it strange to find someone to clean AND help with the kids? Assuming he continues to nap at all, DS doesn't nap at exactly the same time every day and never for the same length of time so it would be nice to have someone who could do stuff around the house while he naps and still be there when he wakes up in case I'm napping or nursing at the time (although just this week he has been really upset when he wakes up and only wants me - to hold him for half an hour or so).

[crl]

I have two sitters who will do light housekeeping when kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied. I think if you are upfront it shouldn't be hard to find someone who will do that. Light housekeeping here has included folding laundry, washing dishes, putting away toys, loading and emptying dishwasher, and sweeping and mopping my kitchen floor. (I really think the floor was pushing it but she is a great sitter and offered repeatedly to help with housework while dd and I took a nap.)

As far as freezer meals, the cooking forum might have some threads you could search for. Classic freezer food: lasagna, spaghetti sauce, soup, muffins/quick bread, cookies.

Catherine

[ahrimie]

One thing you might want to keep in mind that anyone can really care for your newborn- s/he doesn't care who holds & changes him / her. Your older one will want only you. So although you will want to snuggle & care for your baby, if you have to choose between the two, think about getting help with the baby & devoting your energies to your 2 yo.
Of course if you have someone who can fill in everywhere, that would be ideal.

I want to agree here. I thought my DD would go along with grandma whenever and wherever but especially the first week, she didn't. More than being difficult, she genuinely seemed sad that I couldn't go with her or do things with her. I've tried to have DH do more things with her so my mom could just help me, which has helped but those first few days, try to really love on your older DS.

[HannaAddict]

Lots of good advice.


Is it strange to find someone to clean AND help with the kids? Assuming he continues to nap at all, DS doesn't nap at exactly the same time every day and never for the same length of time so it would be nice to have someone who could do stuff around the house while he naps and still be there when he wakes up in case I'm napping or nursing at the time (although just this week he has been really upset when he wakes up and only wants me - to hold him for half an hour or so).

It is harder and more expensive to find someone who nannies but also does house cleaning. A true nanny will help out with tidying, cleaning up after the kids, loading the dishwasher and maybe even doing children's laundry or folding, but they are not housekeepers (cleaning floors, bathrooms, heavy kitchen cleaning, etc.) I had complications with my last pregnancy so we hired a p/t nanny. The complication continued until a couple of weeks after my c-section (unrelated to the c-section). Husband stayed home for almost the full three weeks, very valuable when you have a c-section. I was doing okay from the c-section, but the complication was horrible until it could be fixed after I recovered from the c-section. Our nanny mostly took care of the second child since our first was in school. The nanny took her and picked her up from half-day preschool, fed her, played with her and kept her entertained. She was three and loved our nanny and having her nails painted, drawing rainbow unicorns and going to coffee shops or the children's museum. Our nanny would bring me the baby to nurse and help change him, but I was the newborn's primary caretaker. I was able to get some rest when the baby slept though, since the nanny could help with my other children (the oldest home late afternoon). When I had recovered a bit from the c-section and complication from pregnancy, I would do pick-ups from school while the baby slept or take the baby with me. The nanny did load and unload the dishwasher, tidied up, organized things for the kids but did no laundry or heavy cleaning. We have a housekeeper weekly and they really pitched in and helped with laundry too since I was a wreck. We did not have family help at all. I ordered groceries online with amazonfresh.com (we were the first neighborhood it rolled out to test and love it!). And with this pregnancy we had amazing meals brought to us by the co-op preschool my child attended two days a week. The ladies there outdid themselves and it was so appreciated. I think we'd only had one or two meals total in my other two children's births and this time we really needed it and it was so helpful and they were great cooks!

I would not expect house keeping and especially no cleaning of floors. Our nanny did run the vacuum in the family room since I couldn't post c-section and we have two dogs that shed and so need to vacuum the area daily. I would think of hiring a cleaning service for a month if you can swing it and a nanny to give you some relief. You have to take the time you can to really get some sleep, don't use the time to get other things done. Let things go a bit, but get as much sleep as you can. I breast fed exclusively so felt like all I did was rock and nurse and do it all again.

[daisymommy]

Tell you what I would do for frozen food--you'll thank me later ;)

Dinner kitchens! There are several chains out there. You go spend about 2 hours in a place that has all the food ready and prepped for you, with a recipe, and you walk around through each station combining it into a pan. Then you take the meals home and freeze them. I made 12 meals in about 2 hours, for only a little more $ than if I had done all the shopping myself.

Most of these places offer a special where if you do it around the time you baby is being born/was born, they will do all the prep work for you for free, and you just have to go pick the food up.

http://www.dreamdinners.com/main.php?static=index

http://www.supersuppers.com/menu/locate_store.php?popup=true

https://www.dinnerdone.com/index.cfm

Or, if you want to do it at home, I have a bazillion resources for that too. Just let me know if you would like some info. I just liked not having to shop, prep, and clean up all the mess myself when I was preggo.

[AnnieW625]

My girls are 4 yrs. apart so I have no BTDT experience, but here is what we did.

With DD1 I had little help. The first two weeks were the hardest. DH actually had a interview in another group at his work the afternoon (Thursday) after he brought me home from the hospital. He went to work the following day too for a few hours, but his boss sent him home at noon. He went back to work full time the following week; I think he survived on coffee. My parents came for a week when DD1 was 2/1/2 weeks old, and stayed for a week. Somehow I ate, but I like cooking so I didn't mind passing off the baby to DH to cook dinner. I didn't have a large group of friends for mommy meals either. If the Dream Dinners franchise near me had been open when I was pregnant with DD1 I most likely would've done that, but they opened after she was born.

With DD2 DH took a week off and it was nice. I also splurged and sent DD1 to daycare while I was on maternity leave. Had we not done that I probably would've had DH take more than a week off, probably 2 weeks. My sister did stay with us for a few days after DD2 was born which was nice. My mom came again when DD2 was 3 weeks old. I had mommy meals this time and that was a life saver.

I am sure that you will do fine and I think if I was in your situation I would get a part time sitter and just start having her come over to spend time with your DS while you go and get your hair done, for drs. appointments once or twice a week so they can get used to each other. Your son will scream, but you will just need to leave the house and it will get easier.

[lowrioh]

My girls are 2.5 years apart and my DD1 became very attached when DD2 was born. If you are even considering a daycare situation, you should start it sooner rather than later. It took my DD a LONG time to adjust to going to Mother's Day out and luckily she was all settled before DD2 came a long. It is a big adjustment for the little kids and the ideal is to keep their schedule the same as much as possible.
I had a ton of help when DD2 was born. My mom was down for the first 2 weeks and then a week later my in laws arrived for a 4 week visit. My DH is a SAHD so he was around too (although he did take his family sightseeing a couple of times a week).
This is what I found most useful.
*Play with DD1 so I can focus on DD2 (nurse etc) or rest myself
*Take DD2 so I can do something alone with DD1. I went to a local playgroup or took her out for lunch. Something that is close enough so you don't have to miss a feeding.
*Take care of DD2 while I bathed DD1 and got her ready for bed.
*Watch both girls while I ran out of the house for milk etc....just a few minutes by yourself is fabulous at that stage.

I also had a cleaner every other week. Grocery delivery is also super helpful.

Good Luck! I'm sure you would be able to manage all by yourself but if you can get help you should take advantage of it. DD2 was an extremely easy baby which made things much easier. Sending easy baby vibes your way!

[eh613c]

It's been 8 weeks since DS2 was born and I'm still trying to get used to this new schedule. DS1 was 2.5 y/o when DS2 was born. DS1 had a hard time when I was at the hospital. Since I came home, he became very attached. DS1 wanted me to hold him, change his diapers and feed him. Luckily, DS1 was very excited to meet DS2. DS1 adores him, so we had no problem introducing DS2 to DS1.

DH stayed home for 3 weeks. Initially he was going to stay for 6 weeks but he needs to save his time for something else later this year. When DH went back to work, MIL came over for 2 weeks. She took care of DS1 by taking him to my SIL's house and play with his cousin. She also took him to the park, a near by kid museum and the zoo. MIL also shopped for groceries and made dinner. I did the rest (clean the house, laundry and took care of DS2). After that, my mom helped out for a week.

For the last 2 weeks, I've been taking care of everything. DH and I wake up about twice a night (DH changes the diaper and I nurse). In the morning after DCs and I have had breakfast, DS1 will play in the tv room with his cars and DS2 will take a nap for an hour. In that hour, I wash the dishes, clean and mop the floor, do one load of laundry (if it's laundry day) and think about dinner. In the afternoon, DS2 will take another nap and DS1 has his quiet time. That's when I do most of prep work for dinner (more laundry if it's laundry day). An hour before DH gets home, I work on dinner. DS1 will watch Sesame Street (pre-recorded) and DS2 will stay with me in the kitchen in a little bouncer chair.

This fall DS1 will go to preschool twice a week from 9-12. We started him last year because we knew that we wanted to have another child and we wanted to make sure that he is familiar with the school setting and schedule.

If your ILs are paying for someone to help, you need to decided which part of the day is important for you to have help. Is it at night so you and DH can have some sleep? Or during the day where you can have someone help you with DS1 and housework. Most help will only do one or the other. There's not many who will do both so you're still going to be busy even with help.

I think you'll do fine. The first 2-3 weeks are the hardest because you're sleep deprived but it gets better. GL.

[TxCat]

Tell you what I would do for frozen food--you'll thank me later ;)

Dinner kitchens! There are several chains out there. You go spend about 2 hours in a place that has all the food ready and prepped for you, with a recipe, and you walk around through each station combining it into a pan. Then you take the meals home and freeze them. I made 12 meals in about 2 hours, for only a little more $ than if I had done all the shopping myself.

Most of these places offer a special where if you do it around the time you baby is being born/was born, they will do all the prep work for you for free, and you just have to go pick the food up.

http://www.dreamdinners.com/main.php?static=index

http://www.supersuppers.com/menu/locate_store.php?popup=true

https://www.dinnerdone.com/index.cfm

Or, if you want to do it at home, I have a bazillion resources for that too. Just let me know if you would like some info. I just liked not having to shop, prep, and clean up all the mess myself when I was preggo.

As an aside, this is about the best thing I've learned about all month. How did I never know these kinds of places existed???

[indigo99]

We do have one of those dinner places in the area so I'll look into it. Thanks for the idea!

I was reading through my journal from the first 4 months after DS was born, and there are so many entries about how he was awake every 1.5-2 hours to eat all night and took 2-3 hours to get to sleep at all or wouldn't go back to sleep after nursing during the night etc. I tried to go to bed early and get 3 hours uninterrupted while DH was with him. Then I took over for the rest of the night so he could sleep. We switched on F and Sat, but I know that I was getting some napping done during the day too, and I was still exhausted. Some nights he slept 6 hours total between midnight and noon, but it was all broken up. It's nights like that when I would really appreciate having someone to help at night, but I do feel like I'm going to need more help during the day so I can take care of DS1. So much to consider.

[TxCat]

If your ILs are paying for someone to help, you need to decided which part of the day is important for you to have help. Is it at night so you and DH can have some sleep? Or during the day where you can have someone help you with DS1 and housework. Most help will only do one or the other. There's not many who will do both so you're still going to be busy even with help.



:yeahthat:

I was in a slightly similar situation to yours, although with only one child - no help from family or friends, and DH took no time off from work. Plus, I had to get back to work 4 weeks after my c-section. Even before DD was born, we had a housekeeper once a week, but she took vacation for 3 weeks starting the week I delivered - yeah, the timing was definitely sub-optimal.

Like you, my IL's offered to pay for some temporary help, so we hired a night nanny/night nurse for about 8 weeks total, although broken up - 3 weeks, then 2 or 3 weeks without, then another 5 weeks with. We actually went through two of them because the first one, although highly recommended, was just a really bad fit for us, and the second one was amazing (an actual former pediatric ER nurse). I also know people who have used a night nanny in your situation as well. Basically, they work 10-12 hour shifts (6-6, 7-7, 8-6, etc.). A GOOD night nanny will immediately take over duties for the newborn once she comes over - bathing, changing clothes, etc. My night nurse then would bring me the baby when it was time to nurse, and then take her back for the burping, rocking, sleeping, etc. This allowed me to use that time in the early evening to make and have dinner with my husband, do some light housekeeping, laundry, and then to get to bed early. For my friends who already had an older child, they also used the time while the night nurse was there to focus wholly on the older child, make and have dinner (or go out to dinner) and to enjoy some more quiet family time. While the baby slept, my "good" night nanny would do her laundry, and ours if it was in the laundry room (I objected at first, but she insisted that I shouldn't be "spending my time on that" while she was there), she folded all the laundry, washed my pump parts and any bottle parts for the baby and put them all away. It was wonderful! I felt really spoiled :bag , but it made my return to work much, much easier. Keep in mind that if you are breast-feeding, with a night nurse you are either going to have to pump in the middle of the night, or you have to ask the nurse to wake you up when the baby wakes up to eat. Personally, I pumped because I was going back to work anyways, and I was going to be working nights on call soon, so I figured the baby and I both needed to get used to it. Anyways, we loved having a night nanny, especially since being rested for work was a big concern for both DH and myself. At first, I didn't think I would like having someone else sleeping in my house, but it really became a non-issue (with the right person). We still miss our night nanny! She was just an amazing person.

If I hadn't needed to get back to work right away, I would have loved to have gone the postpartum doula route like some of the previous posters mentioned. They are really there to help you recuperate and get back on track. They will do some "light" housework, like just sort of general tidying up of the kitchen, common areas, etc., will go grocery shopping for you, help do some light food prep, help with some light childcare, etc.

Like other people mentioned, a part-time daytime nanny is another option, but they typically don't do a lot of housework - just what would pertain to the kids usually, and maybe a few other light things (laundry, general tidying of the kitchen, etc.).

[smilequeen]

Ideally, you do have help. It takes a village and all that ;) We aren't meant to do this all alone.

That said...let go of the idea that the house will always be clean and you will always be rested and dinner will always be cooked. It won't. Even if you have help. Not at first anyway.

I have always had a housekeeper, so that's something I would get and keep like...forever. ;) Once a week, once a month, whatever...totally worth it.

I had Grandma and I'm very lucky with that. Someone who can hold the baby, play with the older kids, and handle both if you need a nap is ideal. For the first 6 weeks, my mom took my boys to most of their activities. I wanted them to keep their schedules, but I didn't want the baby out around all those kids and I was BFing (and having a rough time of it to boot) so I couldn't really be running around at first. After the first 6-8 weeks we were in a place where I didn't NEED help, but I accepted it. Now it's easier to leave the baby for special time with the older kids. He can go longer without eating, nurses well and takes a bottle.

I think a nanny is a fine idea, but finding one that does a lot of housekeeping would be very hard. Most will help clean up after the kids though.

You definitely don't have to go it alone :)

[m448]

For my first I did the typical new mom thing and began to get up out of bed way tooo early dealing with possible mastitis as well as increased bleeding. With my second I sat on the couch nursing while I stressed DH out trying to parent the then 2 year old even though I was supposed to be resting.

Thankfully around my third child a midwive told me to line up help and stay in bed. My job was to rest, nurse baby, eat, cuddle baby, drink, rest and cuddle baby some more. My mom and DH took care of the house/kids/me for 3 weeks and that first week I didn't get out of bed except to pee/shower. The second week I sat up in bed for a couple of hours a day and maybe on the couch. The third week I was spending more time outside the room.

Even being in the room resting I had the older kids come in and spend some time with me to visit but mostly I rested even though I had an uneventful, super awesome natural homebirth.

Let me tell you, that was the BEST gift I was given as a mother. To have that uninterrupted time to relish the babyhood of the new family member while my children were being cared for and still near me? Yeah priceless. To get a headstart on my physical healing and milk supply as well as not overwhelming myself mentally and avoid fatigue/stress induced depression was priceless indeed. I loved it so much I lined up the same setup for the fourth baby. When my own children begin to have their children I hope to offer the same help my mom gave me to my daughters as well as my DILs. My mother was unobtrusive, cooked and cleaned for us using our own household preferences and played with/loved on her grandchildren.

[daisymommy]

I absolutely agree with m448's strategy--lie low and recuperate! I pushed myself too much with baby #1 and paid the price for it. I did a little better with #2. But by baby #3 I really took it easy on my midwife's advice. I pretty much camped out in my bed for the entire first week. And it was the only time I didn't develop post-partum depression, I healed so much more quickly, and had a crazy full milk supply. I highly recommend letting someone take care of you!

[AustenFan]

This time around, DH only took the day #3 was born off from work, so he was no help! Had my in-laws here for 5 days, and they basically took care of the kids and cooked so that I could sleep. Would it be possible for grandparents to come? Is your DC comfortable with them? In our case, Tommy and Elizabeth were having so much fun with their grandparents that they didn't really mind right away that I couldn't be there for them as much. (I made special time for them every day for a few minutes, but mostly slept and nursed.)

After they left, we had two weeks before my parents came, and in that time, we had meals every other night from church and a housekeeper come in and give the house a good cleaning once (a special gift I'd requested for my baby shower since I didn't really need anything by #3!). After my parents' visit, I took up the offers of a couple friends who took my kids down to the park with their kids for the morning so that I could nap when the baby was napping. And since then, we've been on our own.

For our kids, the transition from 1-2 was MUCH easier than expected, and from 2-3 was amazing. We make sure that the baby gives the older sibling(s) a really special gift at the hospital (train set, cool matching big kid sleeping bags). And all the grandparents send new books/stickers/puzzles to occupy the big kids those first few weeks. My DC also pretty much stick with me and have never been to daycare, have very few babysitters, etc., so I didn't know how they'd do with so much less Mommy time. They were pretty resilient, and I worried both times more than I needed to!

It stinks that your first was up so much at night! From the beginning for all three of ours, we kept the lights off through the night, just changed the diaper, nursed, and put them back down to bed (all by light of the nightlight) during the night wakings, and they'd go back to sleep pretty quickly. Really hope for your sake that #2 will do more nighttime sleeping off the bat for you!! Sleep really makes all the difference when learning how to care for a baby and a toddler... And I always forget just how much babies sleep at first. At three months, DD2 is still sleeping 17 hours a day. That morning nap time is when I really invest in my big kids just like we used to. And I insist that even my 4.5 year old has two hours of quiet rest time in the afternoon while his sisters are sleeping--that's my chance to nap, relax, or do housework. Even if your DC is dropping the nap, I recommend keeping the quiet rest time in the room.

If I had $ to spend on help, here's what I'd ideally do--
have a housekeeper come in (mine was $20/hour) for 4 hours every other week for a couple months
and have a sitter come strictly to play with the kids and not worry about housework (mine are highschoolers and $8/hr) for 2-3 hours 2-3 times a week (once the meals stopped, I really wished I had someone in that deadly post-nap/pre-dinner window to just keep the kids occupied while I made dinner!).