Impulse control HELP

[KpbS]

Anyone (any elementary teachers?) have any resources for teaching self control/ self regulation? I remember a recent article about executive function and self regulation but don't think that those really apply to our situation. DS1 has a ton of open ended play--loves it--but really, really is struggling with self control. He does well at school but is a MESS at home or in social situations (parties). This is not new but as he ages it is more and more age inappropriate, kwim? Any ideas for exercises we could do to help him with self control/delayed gratification? I feel like we have to address it now or we will have more and more problems :(

[Katigre]

Here is the website to the Tools of the Mind curriculum that was profiled in NurtureShock - it has a parent section with tips: http://www.mscd.edu/extendedcampus/toolsofthemind/parents/index.shtml

[egoldber]

Can you give examples of types of behaviors and the situations where he has issues? And how old is he?

[KpbS]

Thank you for your responses. DS1 is 6.5. Today we were at a 1 yo birthday party. It was time for cake and ice cream. A group of kids had been dancing loudly before the cake was served and DS1 was finished but many were just starting. He wanted to start dancing again and made a loud announcement that he was going to perform when I told him it wasn't appropriate as it was time for focusing on the birthday child and pictures, etc. He stopped for a minute but literally 2 minutes later he was shouting again about dancing etc. Another example is when we were at the pool the other day he knows he shouldn't wear his fins out of the pool b/c it is enevitable you will trip and fall hard (break an arm/teeth/etc.) I reminded him of this when he got to the edge, told him to stop right there (he took 3 more steps) and a little later climbed out in the deep end and walked to the diving board with his fins. He also really struggles when something is right in front of him that he wants. I told him yesterday--don't touch the chocolate chips I was baking with and he could have some in just a minute. He can't resist--grabbed the chips even though I had told him just then not to touch those ones.

[egoldber]

I remember a recent article about executive function and self regulation but don't think that those really apply to our situation.

Actually I think what you are describing are indeed self regulation and executive function issues. A large part of EF is being able to anticipate the effect of behavior and then stopping or starting behaviors based on that foresight.

Part of this is just neurological development. There is a wide range of normal for when kids develop these skills. Some kids develop them early, some later. FWIW, all the things you describe seem like normal behaviors to me for that age, although I agree that as he gets older, if the behaviors continue, then it becomes more problematic. But all kids will continue to occasionally make poor choices and have impulse control issues to some degree. FWIW, the place we did our social skills group does not do them before age 8 for this reason.

In the case of the birthday party, it seems like he got really ramped up, and then had a hard time calming down to the slower tempo. I have found that in these situations, my DD is not that great at picking up on the fact that the tempo of the party has changed. I occasionally have to go over to her and (quietly) explicitly tell her that it is time now to move on to the next activity and that dancing is over. She often just does not get that unless explicitly told.

Actually that is a theme with my older DD. :) In situations where many kids naturally pick up on external clues, she needs explicit instructions. This is where social skills classes really helped with her. But the problem with that is they need some degree of self control to be able to stop and remember what they have been taught/told in the moment. Having that ability to pause and reflect is a huge challenge for some kids. And unfortunately, I think that comes with time.

I know that some people have done OT to develop some self regulation skills, things like the Alert Program ("How Does Your Engine Run?") http://alertprogram.com/ . We have never done that specific program, but there are many similar books available that teach the same basic skills.

[pinkmomagain]

This sounds somewhat like dd2 (adhd/anxiety) at that age. Especially the birthday party example.

One little technique that her 1st grade teacher used at the time was telling her to "read the room" when she wasn't doing what she should be doing. In other words, stop and look around....what is everyone else doing? You should be doing it too. I really liked that phrase because it wasn't a negative ("Don't do that") but it was getting her to hone her social awareness/appropriate behavior.