If you aren't religious, how do you handle your DCs receiving religious gifts?

[sunnyside]

Just wondering, as this is new territory for me. We are not religious, but are getting religious gifts at each holiday/birthday and do not want them. It's not that bad right now, but I will not want them when baby is old enough to understand. These are coming from family (ILs).

We aren't opposed to religion for an adult, but want our child to be able to learn about it as an adult and make their choice then. We don't want to shape that choice. Not that it matters. All that really matters, is that we don't want her to get religious gifts or be taught about religion.

[Giantbear]

I think there is a bigger issue here, how do you get your inlaws to respect your wishes concerning religion. I fear these gifts will be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to religion and your in-laws. I would imagine as your dc get older, your in-laws will turn up the heat on them.

[JBaxter]

Like what do you mean religious gifts? A bible ? Boz or VeggieTale DVD? Storybook? I guess you could politely decline them.

[sunnyside]

Like what do you mean religious gifts? A bible ? Boz or VeggieTale DVD? Storybook? I guess you could politely decline them.

So far it has been primarily kid bibles, storybooks, and stuffed toys derived from bible stories.

[niccig]

Depending on what it is, and how often, your DH needs to have a talk with his family to explain that you will introduce religion to DC when you are ready.

Don't go into details on how you want them to choose when their adults. Just say that you will do it when you are ready and could they please refrain from giving any religious gifts - unless occasion like baptism etc

Hopefully, they'll respect your wishes and you don't have to do anything more.

ILs know how we feel, DH had stopped going to church long before we had DS. If we are visiting at Christmas, MIL always asks is we want to come to the Christmas Eve service. Normally some children are performing and one is our niece. So we go along as a family. I appreciate that she asks. DS is 6, so we've discussed what some people believe and what we believe etc. We don't mind him having the exposure when we're with him.

[ellies mom]

Well. My disclaimer is that I'm old and cranky. I do not feel an obligation to keep gifts or make my kids wear stuff just because someone gave it them. So, no token photos or visits in some ugly outfit just to humor someone from me.

If I were you, I would make sure they were aware that you do not want religious gifts. Then when religious gifts showed up, I'd thank them for thinking of your child and then donate or toss the gift. If they ask about the gift, I would repeat the request not to give religious gifts. If they don't ask, I wouldn't mention it. A few things may happen. They may get the hint and stop or they may stop buying gifts period. At some point your kid will be old enough to notice so hopefully it is sorted out by then if not, I'd consider a make-up gift for the ones I just really don't want around.

[HannaAddict]

We don't say anything and they go to the Goodwill. My in-laws could care less that we aren't religious, they know this and talking does no good with MIL. So, Goodwill it is for those types of gifts. Now that the kids are older, the blatantly religious things are fewer and far between, we just ditch them at the earliest chance we get. No qualms about it.

[TwinFoxes]

If I felt the way you do, I would first make my feelings clear to them (via DH, is he on the same page? Maybe he's given his parents the impression their gifts are fine). If they are aware of your stance, I would politely but unenthusiastically thank them and put them in the Goodwill pile.

[fivi2]

We don't say anything and they go to the Goodwill. My in-laws could care less that we aren't religious, they know this and talking does no good with MIL. So, Goodwill it is for those types of gifts. Now that the kids are older, the blatantly religious things are fewer and far between, we just ditch them at the earliest chance we get. No qualms about it.

This is us exactly.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We've kept things like the board book bible and have read some of the stories over the years. I'm all for knowing those purely as a historian. I think that you can feel left out of some references and such if you've never heard of them, like Noah and the Arc. I can only remember that religious gift though so it was easy. Others I'd probably keep too though might never use.

Beth

[MommyofAmaya]

We got lots of stuff like this. They go straight into the consignment box. I think it would create an irreparable rift in the family if we declined the gifts.

[mommylamb]

I think there is a bigger issue here, how do you get your inlaws to respect your wishes concerning religion. I fear these gifts will be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to religion and your in-laws. I would imagine as your dc get older, your in-laws will turn up the heat on them.

:yeahthat: This is what I'd be afraid of. We're lucky in that my parents and my MIL are also not religious, so we don't tend to get these sorts of gifts on any regular occurrence (and if we do, it's from someone who doesn't know us well). Extended family have bought us Jewish books (I'm an Agnostic Jew and DH is an Atheist), and that's totally fine with me. It's the Christianity stuff that makes me more uncomfortable. MIL did ask me at our wedding if I would be saving my wedding dress to turn it into a Christening gown, but honestly, I don't think she put two and two together and realized Christening is something religious. She's from England, so those sorts of things are very entwined in the culture, but there isn't much emphasis on the religious aspects, IYKWIM.

[HIU8]

MIL's friend often give us stuff like veggie tales DVD's and ornaments. Being Jewish we don't have use for certain things. When they were really little we just gave the stuff away. Now, the kids know and they have been taught to just say thanks and then give it to us.

[pb&j]

We say thank you, and give to Goodwill. We've only received religious gifts from people not in the "inner circle," so I don't spend a lot of mental energy on this.

If a close friend or relative was repeatedly giving religious gifts, I might remind them of our religious beliefs, but I'm not going to flat out tell them what kind of gifts to buy or not buy.

[Multimama]

I agree with others that you can politely make your stance clear (best through your DH) and then if you keep getting them anyway politely accept and then give them away.

I also agree with others that you will need to come up with a long-term strategy for dealing with your ILs and others who will want to teach your children about religion. If they are very religious you won't be able to hide this from your DC (and probably won't be able to force your ILs to hide it, unless you want to threaten to or actually cut off contact). So you'll have to be willing to address it with your DC.

Personally, I think deciding that you don't want your children to learn about religion is a mistake. First because they will learn about it from someone and you probably want it to be from you. (Compare it to deciding not to talk to your children about sex.) And second because if they are completely ignorant of all the different religious beliefs out there (including the huge variety) that could breed intolerance. Also if you look at the statistics may even make them more ripe for religious conversion later in life. (ETA: Sorry if that was more opinion than you wanted!)

[kerridean]

I keep them and use them in my religious teachings. We are teaching the girls World Religions. Christianity is one of those religions. It is nice to have a book/symbol from that religion. I also have a Buddha!:).

[dogmom]

Well. My disclaimer is that I'm old and cranky. I do not feel an obligation to keep gifts or make my kids wear stuff just because someone gave it them. So, no token photos or visits in some ugly outfit just to humor someone from me.

Can I join your old and cranky club. lol

I think my reaction depends on the age and what is given. When my very religious mentor gave me baby a cute baby Noah's Ark book, I'm fine. But she would never give my 8 yo a bible, because she knows that would be disrespecting my bounderies. And then there is the what happens when they go "What's this???" to the IL. Might be worth a talk.

[sunnyside]

I agree with others that you can politely make your stance clear (best through your DH) and then if you keep getting them anyway politely accept and then give them away.

I also agree with others that you will need to come up with a long-term strategy for dealing with your ILs and others who will want to teach your children about religion. If they are very religious you won't be able to hide this from your DC (and probably won't be able to force your ILs to hide it, unless you want to threaten to or actually cut off contact). So you'll have to be willing to address it with your DC.

Personally, I think deciding that you don't want your children to learn about religion is a mistake. First because they will learn about it from someone and you probably want it to be from you. (Compare it to deciding not to talk to your children about sex.) And second because if they are completely ignorant of all the different religious beliefs out there (including the huge variety) that could breed intolerance. Also if you look at the statistics may even make them more ripe for religious conversion later in life. (ETA: Sorry if that was more opinion than you wanted!)

No I do want them to learn about all the different religions and belief systems, I just don't want them told what to believe. I may have worded my post wrong.

[sunnyside]

Thanks everyone, so far they have been pretty tame, (two hugging giraffes from Noah's ark, a book about God making all the animals and everything on earth..) I just worry (and know) that they don't understand that we will not be indoctrinating her into anything...

[pb&j]

Personally, I think deciding that you don't want your children to learn about religion is a mistake. First because they will learn about it from someone and you probably want it to be from you. (Compare it to deciding not to talk to your children about sex.) And second because if they are completely ignorant of all the different religious beliefs out there (including the huge variety) that could breed intolerance. Also if you look at the statistics may even make them more ripe for religious conversion later in life. (ETA: Sorry if that was more opinion than you wanted!)

There's a big difference between shielding your child from religion and not accepting religious gifts. Do I want my two year old reciting along with the talking bear reciting a religious prayer? No I do not. Do I want my child wearing religious symbols (cross or crucifix) of a religion we do not believe in? No I do not.

Do I talk to my child about God and Church? Yes, all the time. But I prefer to do that on my terms, rather than having to use the materials provided by well-meaning but misguided gift-givers. And frankly, we haven't ever received anything worth opening the discussion for - garishly illustrated storybooks about God's little lambs, and talking teddy bears. If someone gave us a really nicely illustrated children's Bible, I'd actually be thrilled, because THAT is something worth having.

Just because I'm not thrilled about receiving religious gifts doesn't mean it's not a topic of discussion in our home. I wouldn't want anyone giving my kids suggestive materials, either, but yes, we do talk about the birds and the bees as well.

[mmommy]

I agree with others - your DH needs to talk with his family about how you intend (or not) to educate your DC about religion. It really depends on their personalities whether this should happen based on a convo about the gifts or just be brought up out of the blue, leaving the gifts out of it. Because your worry ultimately isn't about gifts.

DH had to do this with MIL. We knew she would have a problem with our choices, so DH started the conversation before we even conceived. I remember MIL asking if she could send our DC to vacation bible school when the fictional DC would come visit her. After a few years of small conversations she finally understands that won't be happening. :) There was one awkward conversation where she asked "what would happen if DC were visiting me and I sent them to VBS and then just told you about it afterward" I jumped on that one, and she now knows that something like that would end any visits pronto.

[Trigglet]

I remember MIL asking if she could send our DC to vacation bible school when the fictional DC would come visit her. After a few years of small conversations she finally understands that won't be happening. :) There was one awkward conversation where she asked "what would happen if DC were visiting me and I sent them to VBS and then just told you about it afterward" I jumped on that one, and she now knows that something like that would end any visits pronto.

Wow. Well done for being clear - that would totally flip me out. I don't have any in-laws (both DH's parents have passed away), and my Dad is atheist. But my Mum is a 'hopeful Church of England'-type believer! She only goes to church on 'special occasions' and if she can persuade one of us to go with her (which isn't often!) - and mostly it's for the music and architecture :). So, we don't really have any equivalent. The closest we have come is when my Mum very sweetly and reluctantly admitted that she would have liked it if my DS had a little christening. But as a PP has said, in the UK, even church-goers aren't really very religious, so I can't imagine dealing with the kind of things you guys have mentioned!

[niccig]

There was one awkward conversation where she asked "what would happen if DC were visiting me and I sent them to VBS and then just told you about it afterward" I jumped on that one, and she now knows that something like that would end any visits pronto.

Wow...that thought really crossed her mind?!

What is it with grandparents thinking they can do what they want with the grandkids and totally disregard the parents wishes. I know my mother would have had a cow if my grandparents did it to her, but I've constantly had to put her back in her grandparent role (and yes I have lost it over a few things) - sometimes it's like whack a mole :ROTFLMAO:

[Multimama]

No I do want them to learn about all the different religions and belief systems, I just don't want them told what to believe. I may have worded my post wrong.

Oh good! I was reacting to the part of your original past when you said you didn't want them to receive religious gifts or be taught about religion. But it sounds now like you just meant you didn't want them to learn about religion in specific indoctrination-type ways. Totally makes sense.


There's a big difference between shielding your child from religion and not accepting religious gifts. Do I want my two year old reciting along with the talking bear reciting a religious prayer? No I do not. Do I want my child wearing religious symbols (cross or crucifix) of a religion we do not believe in? No I do not.

Do I talk to my child about God and Church? Yes, all the time. But I prefer to do that on my terms, rather than having to use the materials provided by well-meaning but misguided gift-givers. And frankly, we haven't ever received anything worth opening the discussion for - garishly illustrated storybooks about God's little lambs, and talking teddy bears. If someone gave us a really nicely illustrated children's Bible, I'd actually be thrilled, because THAT is something worth having.

Just because I'm not thrilled about receiving religious gifts doesn't mean it's not a topic of discussion in our home. I wouldn't want anyone giving my kids suggestive materials, either, but yes, we do talk about the birds and the bees as well.

See above. Was just responding to the wording of OP's original post, which she has now clarified. It sounded from the OP that she didn't want religion to be a topic of discussion in her home at all, which I think is dangerous. Glad you've worked out the right balance for your home. Sorry if you thought my post was a response to you. FWIW, I said in my post that I agree with those who thought she should give away the gifts. I wasn't suggesting those needed to be opened, be teaching tools, or anything of that sort.

[BabyBearsMom]

We have the same problem with MIL and I'm afraid I don't have much hope for you. DH has talked to her, but she thinks that "Christian = American" and doesn't understand why someone wouldn't wnat those things. When DH and I first started dating, she gave me a necklace that was a penny with a cross stamped out of it (I was brought up Jewish) and DH had to explain to her why that was an inappropriate gift for me.

We are raising DD without religion. With DD, MIL has given her cross-shaped Christmas ornaments (DH is Episcopalian, but an agnostic, so we celebrate Christmas but more as a family centered holiday than a religious holiday). Worst of all, this year she gave us a CD of children's songs that were adjusted for religious purposes. She gives us the CD and we thank her and don't realize what it is. DH puts it on for DD to listen to (DD loves music) while his parents are at our house. It starts out as regular songs, and then all the suddon "we love Jesus" is just randomly inserted. I was cooking dinner in the kitchen, thankfully, so MIL didn't see my face the first time "Mary Had a Little Lamb, His Fleece Was White As Snow" turned into "Mary Had a Little Lamb, and Loved Jesus So." (I am NOT making this up). So DH goes "Hm, thats weird" and switches the song thinking it is a weird fluke. The same thing happens on the next song. The following conversations takes place:
DH: Um, Mom, why did you buy DD a Christian CD?
MIL: I didn't, it is just a CD of children's songs
DH: Mom, it keeps inserting "Jesus" into random children's songs that don't normally include Jesus. It is a Christian CD.
MIL: Well, I didn't know what the lyrics would say when I bought the CD
DH: Where did you even buy this?
MIL: At the Family Christian Store
DH: And you didn't think that buying something at the Family Christian Store would skew it towards Christianity?
MIL: No. Why would it?

I was never so happy to be out of site in the kitchen in my life because I was :hysterical:. The new rule is that she isn't allowed to buy DD gifts from the Family Christian Store and we listen to all CDs before playing them in front of company. DH repeatedly explains our feelings about religion and how we are raising DD and I have come to the conclusion that she just doesn't get it. To her, saying you don't want to go to Church is like saying you hate fireworks and apple pie. Christianity is cultural to her not spiritual and she can't reconcile that with our beliefs. I am pretty much over it now and just try to laugh it off.

[crayonblue]

We have the same problem with MIL and I'm afraid I don't have much hope for you. DH has talked to her, but she thinks that "Christian = American" and doesn't understand why someone wouldn't wnat those things. When DH and I first started dating, she gave me a necklace that was a penny with a cross stamped out of it (I was brought up Jewish) and DH had to explain to her why that was an inappropriate gift for me.

We are raising DD without religion. With DD, MIL has given her cross-shaped Christmas ornaments (DH is Episcopalian, but an agnostic, so we celebrate Christmas but more as a family centered holiday than a religious holiday). Worst of all, this year she gave us a CD of children's songs that were adjusted for religious purposes. She gives us the CD and we thank her and don't realize what it is. DH puts it on for DD to listen to (DD loves music) while his parents are at our house. It starts out as regular songs, and then all the suddon "we love Jesus" is just randomly inserted. I was cooking dinner in the kitchen, thankfully, so MIL didn't see my face the first time "Mary Had a Little Lamb, His Fleece Was White As Snow" turned into "Mary Had a Little Lamb, and Loved Jesus So." (I am NOT making this up). So DH goes "Hm, thats weird" and switches the song thinking it is a weird fluke. The same thing happens on the next song. The following conversations takes place:
DH: Um, Mom, why did you buy DD a Christian CD?
MIL: I didn't, it is just a CD of children's songs
DH: Mom, it keeps inserting "Jesus" into random children's songs that don't normally include Jesus. It is a Christian CD.
MIL: Well, I didn't know what the lyrics would say when I bought the CD
DH: Where did you even buy this?
MIL: At the Family Christian Store
DH: And you didn't think that buying something at the Family Christian Store would skew it towards Christianity?
MIL: No. Why would it?

I was never so happy to be out of site in the kitchen in my life because I was :hysterical:. The new rule is that she isn't allowed to buy DD gifts from the Family Christian Store and we listen to all CDs before playing them in front of company. DH repeatedly explains our feelings about religion and how we are raising DD and I have come to the conclusion that she just doesn't get it. To her, saying you don't want to go to Church is like saying you hate fireworks and apple pie. Christianity is cultural to her not spiritual and she can't reconcile that with our beliefs. I am pretty much over it now and just try to laugh it off.

Just so you know....there are plenty of non-religious items at the Family Christian Store. I shop there all the time. I've seen plenty of family friendly movies/cds that wouldn't be labeled Christian or religious.

[kijip]

I would just donate them, perhaps to a nearby church, and be done with it. My personal beef is the the really crappy writing and creepy illustration storybooks that have clumsily presented religious themes. I am fine with a quality children's bible or a well written book that touches on religious or moral issues but sadly, that is not what we recieve. We receive books that make me wonder what the heck the publisher was thinking.

[sunnyside]

Oh good! I was reacting to the part of your original past when you said you didn't want them to receive religious gifts or be taught about religion. But it sounds now like you just meant you didn't want them to learn about religion in specific indoctrination-type ways. Totally makes sense.


That's right. I'm actually very open minded about it, and want her to get a chance to learn about various religions so that she is able to make the choice that fits her best when she is ready. I just didn't really word it well in my original post.