Two against one?

[Green_Tea]

I have two girls, 19 months and one grade apart, ages 7 (almost) and 8.5. They play beautifully together. Really enjoy each other's company.

They have a younger brother who is (almost) 5. They have no interest in involving him in their play. I can understand this to an extent - his interests are wildly different than theirs. They have polar opposite personalities. Including him in their play would involve engaging in activities that they don't enjoy. At all.

DS is angry and frustrated and constantly feels left out. If I were him, I'd feel the same way. As a result, he antagonizes them. When he doesn't get his way, he tantrums.

I am really struggling to balance insisting on the girls including him (which always ends badly) and allowing them to play independently while engaging him separately (which also always ends badly because he wants to play with them - as long as they play what HE wants to play.) Things are fine/great when we leave the house and go to the lake, library, etc., but we can't spend EVERY moment out and about. He does (slightly) better when he has a playdate, but again, that's not an everyday occurrence. We have no young boys in our neighborhood. Plus, when one of my kids gets to have friends over regularly and the others don't, mutiny erupts. I try for each kid to have one friend each over each week - that leaves 6 days of DS NOT having a dedicated playmate.

I have discussed with the girls how upsetting it is to DS when he is consistently excluded from their play, and I have talked to DS about being flexible and allowing himself to be included into existing play scenarios. They all understand this in theory, but it fall apart in practice. They're like the two ends of a magnet that repel each other.

I guess this is part bitch/part vent/part advice seeking: for moms of three kids who struggle with this, do you have any insight or advice as to how to balance the dynamic of three kids, when 2 are on the exact same wavelength and one is not? I don't expect that they're ever going to mesh perfectly, but am growing weary of the screaming and shrieking and tears (from all of them) every time DS wants to be included. I am annoyed at the girls for rebuffing their brother, and annoyed at DS for his rigid inflexibility. Listening to my children fight makes my blood BOIL. I have patience and tolerance for a lot of things, but the arguing frays my nerves so quickly and can quickly change MY mood (which I am sure doesn't help matters.)

Can anyone commiserate?

[RunnerDuck]

This is what I always bring up when moms I know are pushing to take their # of kids from 2 to 3. Odd numbers and kids are awful. Someone is bound to end up the 3rd wheel. Sometimes it is age or sex, other times it is just personality, other times just the luck of the draw. As kids there were 3 of us who were best friends in our neighborhood and for the most part we played well but now and then we would fight and usually I was the 1 on the 2 against 1 side. My friends lived next to each other, I was 4 houses up... they were the same age, I was a year older... etc.

I think you're just going to have this in any family with an odd number. One of my reasons for having a 4th was I hate odd numbers of kids. DS1 and DD2 were tight and DD2 was the odd man out so I am hoping DS2 becomes her special buddy, as much as DS1 is thrilled to have a brother is 7 years older, she is only 3. So we'll see. Who knows what will happen in time.

Anyway - to an extent I think it's unavoidable. I try to come up with games and activities they can all do together and they DO play together a lot - but you can still tell who is the odd one out.

We also have the no neighborhood friends issue... we're actually looking to move because of it! Frequent playmates is a BIG deal to me.

Anyway if moving or having another kid isn't an option... look for things they can all do ... and maybe try getting DS in some activities just for him, once a week or more if possible... our library has a TON of free activities for kids... or you could sign him up for karate or something...

I don't have a magic answer but my experience is this is very typical with kids... odd numbers are bad! (Even as grown adults - my mom has a sister 1 year younger, and a brother 21 years younger - surprise!!!! - and whenever there is family drama it's always 2 against 1... oddly her sister is usually the one no one speaks to for weeks or months on end... what can you say, such is life...)

[egoldber]

I agree that 3 is a hard number. We have next door neighbors with kids close in age to mine and when all 4 of them are together, it is great. But when any one of them is missing, or an extra kid is added, then things get ugly.


I have patience and tolerance for a lot of things, but the arguing frays my nerves so quickly and can quickly change MY mood (which I am sure doesn't help matters.)

I am exactly the same way. I am an easy going parent in many ways, but for some reason the bickering/sniping just drives me bananas!!!!! :dizzy:

[liz]

This is what I always bring up when moms I know are pushing to take their # of kids from 2 to 3. Odd numbers and kids are awful.

Really? This hasn't really been my experience, or the experience of my friends (with kids older than mine). With that said, I do believe that there will always be fighting to some extent etc, it's just the nature of kids.



OP, what about taking one of your DD and DS to do something special while the other DD goes out with the other parent or another adult? Maybe that way one DD can enjoy some time with DS in a non-competative way where they can have some positive experiences/memories together. Even separate the girls for errands etc? That way they are forced to spend time with DS (sorry, that sounds terrible, but I can't think of a better way to phrase it).

Could the girls take DS under their wing and teach him something, like showing him how to play basketball/baseball or teaching him how to do a somersault or some kind of trick in the pool? This could give the girls the chance to be the big sisters and allow time to act in a nurturing role with DS. I am not sure how helpful this advice is, but I understand the frustration when kids are fighting. gl

[mom2khj]

I'd say it's more the age-difference/interest differences than the number. We have this issue with 2 girls who are 3 years apart. Not "ganging" up, per se, but the arguing and not wanting to play "together". And we had the issue way before #3 (who is still too young to even play into this issue) came along.

I wish I had some answers for the OP, but I definitely will be watching to see what advice others offer!

[BabyDahl]

I'd say it's more the age-difference/interest differences than the number. We have this issue with 2 girls who are 3 years apart. Not "ganging" up, per se, but the arguing and not wanting to play "together".

My brother and I are 6 yrs apart. He was frequently trying to play GI Joe, etc. with me and my friends, which bugged me, especially around age 14 (he was 8). It got easier when I turned 16 and I matured a little, but I think age gaps are hard to deal with no matter how many children you have. There are always exceptions, but it's not that unusual to see age gaps play a big role in this sort of fighting.

[StantonHyde]

I would arrange as many play dates for DS as possible and tell the girls that he gets more because he doesn't have a built in play date. (if you wanted to really drive the point home I guess you could say its because they wont' play with him, but I don't think that really serves a purpose/will change their behavior)

[ShanaMama]

I'm sure part of it is the boy/girl thing but I think his age contributes as well. It takes a really specific personality for a 5 yo to be able to play nicely with a 7 & 8.5 year old.
Does he enjoy specific art projects or playing with particular toys? Maybe he can have his own designated set of cars or Playmobil which he controls- he can invite them to join him or play on his own.
I am the middle child between 2 girls. I have sisters 18 mo older & 18 mo younger than me. I was always, always the odd man out. I was the girly girl & they were both tomboys. We just really never had anything in common. Now, as an adult, I am very close with my older sister but still have very little to do with my younger sister. We never became a threesome, as close in age as we are & despite the fact that we're all girls.

[Green_Tea]

Thank you all for the feedback and thoughts! I think, as ShanaMama mentioned, that it boils down to the fact that they have VERY different personalities. I am really feeling the effect they have on each other because they're all home for summer vacation, and are starting to lose patience for each other. I know (from experience) that once we are back in school things will be a bit calmer. In the meantime, I will try to schedule some playdates for DS. And after this week, we will be at the lake for swimming lessons every day for two weeks, which they all love.

Just writing it all out helped me feel a bit better!

[BabbyO]

Hmmm...I really enjoyed being one of 3 kids. There is about 3.5 yrs between each of us...so 7 years between my brother and I. My sister and I are the oldest two. It seems that part of the problem is that your girls are pretty close in age (and the same gender) and then there's a bit of a gap before your DS came.

I like the suggestion of trying to separate the girls and encourage 1 on 1 time between one DD and DS at a time. This is how my sibilings and I interacted. My brother and I would do things together...and my sister would be the odd one out. My sister and brother would do things together and I'd be the odd one out...but for each of us I think it was good. The times that my sister & brother were closest...were the times I needed my alone time anyway.

Not that you ALWAYS have to separate your girls...just encourage each of them to do something separately with DS.

FWIW...my sister, brother and I get along REALLY well as adults and rarely have a 2 on 1 scenerio. I think my brother feels a bit left out sometimes, especially now that my sister and I are both moms...but I imagine that will decrease as his family grows.