Friend without kids constantly asking about getaways

[luckytwenty]

In the past six months she has asked me if I wanted to run the Paris Marathon with her, spend a month with her in Slovakia and (just now) go to Tel Aviv to stay in a kibbutz with her.

She has two teenage stepkids who live with their mother and stay with them for one month in the summer.

I have three kids, including a baby and a sports-addicted 8 year old. I also work full-time.

I've tried--joking and not so joking--to convey to her that (a) my vacation time right now is devoted to school holidays, infant ear infections and a few precious days alone with my DH and that (b) even if I had a lot more free time, those are some expensive trips and I've got summer camps, braces, etc. to pay for first!

Honestly, if money, time and childcare were no object (can you even imagine??) these are NOT the first things I'd want to do, anyway!

But she keeps it up and has said she feels bad for me that I can't travel! I am starting to take it personally!!

How would you handle--or would you just keep ignoring? It's really making me nuts!

[mommylamb]

Could you say something like: These trips all sound fantastic, but they're probably never going to work for me because I can't leave my kids/husband for that long, and I get limited time off for work, which I need to spend on family vacations/dealing with family issues. It's starting to depress me to keep saying no though.

Or is that not direct enough?

[TwinFoxes]

What do you think her deal is, is she clueless? Or trying to needle you? Either way, I'd probably say "Sounds great! Pencil me in for the day after DC's high school graduation!"

If she said she felt bad for me, I'd say "don't, I'm having the time of my life. Paris will still be there, right now, I'm all about Disney (or whatever)".

Does she do all of these trips without her DH?

[KpbS]

Could you say something like: These trips all sound fantastic, but they're probably never going to work for me because I can't leave my kids/husband for that long, and I get limited time off for work, which I need to spend on family vacations/dealing with family issues. It's starting to depress me to keep saying no though.

Or is that not direct enough?


What do you think her deal is, is she clueless? Or trying to needle you? Either way, I'd probably say "Sounds great! Pencil me in for the day after DC's high school graduation!"

If she said she felt bad for me, I'd say "don't, I'm having the time of my life. Paris will still be there, right now, I'm all about Disney (or whatever)".

Does she do all of these trips without her DH?

These are both great suggestions. Hope she can get a clue :hug:

[luckytwenty]

She takes a lot of them alone. It really pisses me off! I sometimes do think she's doing this on purpose, but this particular invite was in the middle of an email she sent thanking me for helping with her get through a crisis with her stepdaughter, so maybe not.

I think I'm going to tell her to stop asking me until my baby graduates high school because it's getting a little depressing!

[infomama]

Could you say something like: These trips all sound fantastic, but they're probably never going to work for me because I can't leave my kids/husband for that long, and I get limited time off for work, which I need to spend on family vacations/dealing with family issues. It's starting to depress me to keep saying no though.

Or is that not direct enough?


What do you think her deal is, is she clueless? Or trying to needle you? Either way, I'd probably say "Sounds great! Pencil me in for the day after DC's high school graduation!"

If she said she felt bad for me, I'd say "don't, I'm having the time of my life. Paris will still be there, right now, I'm all about Disney (or whatever)".

What they said. I wouldn't tell her she was depressing me. If she said she felt bad for me I would tell her I am very happy with my life. If she kept pressing me I would tell her to flat out stop asking me to go places with her.

[infomama]

She takes a lot of them alone.
Honestly solo travel sounds sucky to me. Maybe once in a while but not all the time for weeks on end.
ETA--She sounds lonely

[Melanie]

She sounds like a clueless friend who misses traveling with you, or other friends. I like the idea of telling her to call you when baby graduates high school! LOL.

[hopeful_mama]

I would see it as her way of trying to be inclusive and reach out as a friend - though if it's really bothering you definitely just tell her. If they're things that you would really want to do but couldn't I could see it bothering you so much, but if they're really not things that would interest you I don't quite get why it's such a big deal, unless she doesn't want to take no for an answer and keeps pushing each particular trip. My BFF sometimes lightly suggests I visit her, we both know I can't do it for various reasons but I don't feel bad that she suggests it. If she were pushy though that would really bug me.

[luckytwenty]

I would see it as her way of trying to be inclusive and reach out as a friend - though if it's really bothering you definitely just tell her. If they're things that you would really want to do but couldn't I could see it bothering you so much, but if they're really not things that would interest you I don't quite get why it's such a big deal, unless she doesn't want to take no for an answer and keeps pushing each particular trip. My BFF sometimes lightly suggests I visit her, we both know I can't do it for various reasons but I don't feel bad that she suggests it. If she were pushy though that would really bug me.

It's a big deal because she did tell me once she felt bad for me that I don't have more freedom, and I get riled up at the idea of being pitied. While some of her ideas sound really nice, they are so beyond the framework of my reality that it's not that I feel bad that I can't go..I feel annoyed she keeps pushing the issue!

I just wrote her that I'd probably be in the orthodontist waiting room or changing a diaper while she was enjoying Tel Aviv, and not to ask me anymore, OK?? I said childcare, money and schedules made this impossible in the next 18 years. She wrote back OK, she'll let the pipe dream die.

Hope she means it! And I do hope she has a good time, I really do.

[Pinky]

She sounds like a clueless friend who misses traveling with you, or other friends. I like the idea of telling her to call you when baby graduates high school! LOL.
I didn't have a kid until 10 years or so after most of my friends and I can remember asking my best friend (more than once) if she could ever swing a short cruise. I wanted more than anything for us to be able to go on a girl trip like that and from the way she talked about how stressful her life was it sounded to me like she would want to take one too. With that being said, until I had a child of my own I had no idea how difficult time away for any length of time really was for a mom with a busy family. Now when we joke about our cruise we talk about doing it after our kids graduate high school. Unfortuately for her she's going to have to wait 10 years for me. haha

[BayGirl2]

It doesn't sound to me like she's trying to be harmful or pitying you. She just doesn't have kids and doesn't understand the constraints and trade-offs. I don't think anyone fully understands parenthood until they are in it. And some Moms do manage to get away for solo/girls weekend type vacations occasionally. It sounds to me like she's trying to be inclusive and wants to spend time with you, and possibly a lot of her other friends have also moved on to a different stage of life than she is in.

I'd be honest that you're at a point now where your priorities for time and money lie with your family. Tell her that's a choice you made and that you are happy with it. If she really is a good friend you enjoy spending time with can you figure out a way to do things together that fits into your parameters? Like a one night trip to somewhere w/in driving distance, or a monthly happy hour, or book club?

I have lost touch with some of my good friends from my single days just because our activities don't really align that well any more. But if you are still able to maintain the friendship, I think you can say the right things to adjust her expectations/perception about your ability to travel.

[amldaley]

If it comes up again, I would not just pass it off on money and time. When she says that she feels sorry for you that you no longer have freedom, I would be very clear that she doesn't need to feel sorry for you because you are very happy with your life. This is the life you chose. You adore your husband and kids and enjoy every minute with them. Tell her you feel sorry for HER that she hasn't been able to enjoy that experience herself (unless fertility is an issue, of course). Turn the tables.

[hellokitty]

I agree, that she sounds lonely and would probably also like to reconnect with you as a friend by traveling together. Also, she probably just doesn't understand your lifestyle and how hectic it can be with kids.

I have had this issue with two friends. Both are professional in their 30's, one is now married and one is still desperately looking for mr. right. My friend whose married now, wanted me to do a lot of stuff with her, but my kids were really little and then I had DS3 and started the whole process again. I think she was feeling pretty miffed at me, and it never got to the point where I had to sit down and explain to her that I would really LIKE to go with her, but just cannot do it, b/c my kids are so young. Now she is married to someone who is quite well off and they jet set all over the place, so she isn't asking me anymore, but I do think that she took it too personally. She and her DH do not want kids, so a lifestyle with kids is completely out of her radar.

Then my other friend just chatted with me the other night and told me I should go to Spain, lol and how much she loved it. She told me she enjoys her life of traveling, buying expensive things for herself, eating at expensive restaurants, but she is really sad that she isn't dating and preferably married. She has no clue what it is like to be married with young kids. She complained to me that none of her married friends want to hang out with her anymore, and I kind of told her that when you have kids, it's just hard to get out. I told her DH and I are lucky if we can go on a date 1x a yr (anniversary), and she was completely stunned. I think in her mind she has this romantic view of what it must be like to be married and have kids. She told me I should just get a babysitter and that I NEED to go on regular dates with my DH. I just told her it's just really hard right now to do that, esp since DS3 is BF. Then the convo went completely downhill. She works for a company that also makes baby formula as background info. When I told her DS3 was still BF'd, she was shocked and asked me how old he was and when I saw he'll be 2 soon, she said, "so, what are you planning to do, BF him until he's 5???" She said this in a very rude tone. I told her DS2 nursed until almost 3 and I'm a LLL leader (which didn't really clue her in to shut up). And then after some going back and forth with questions, I finally just told her that before I had kids, I had no idea what it was like to have kids and knew nothing about BFing, etc. We're just at such different points of our lives. I envy her to some extent that she has the luxury of being able to completely pamper herself whenever she'd like. However, I know that she is extremely jealous of me too, that I am happily married, a sahm, and I have kids. Even though she is successful in her career, I have what she most desperately wants. However, I don't feel that she will ever really understand what it's like to be i my shoes until she experiences it for herself, so I'm not wanting to get into it with her about it, b/c I just don't think she will get it.

I think just being blunt with your friend that you'd love to do these things, when your kids are OLDER. This way, she won't feel like you are just flat out rejecting her, but you are setting a guideline that you DO want to spend more time with her traveling, but now is just not a good time and you aren't having to go into the nitty gritty details of being a mom to young kids and how hectic that is, when she is just NOT going to get it, no matter how much you try to explain it to her.

[luckytwenty]

Thanks, I am pretty sure she was not actually pitying me or trying to be difficult, but genuinely did want to travel with me and being someone who travels a lot herself and doesn't have any commitments, and isn't understanding why I am indeed tethered down. I am glad I cleared the air with her. I don't think she will be asking about this for a good number of years now!

[vejemom]

Most of those trips sound out of the realm of reality for working adults, kids or no kids. Who has that much money and time off of work? I teach music at a studio, so I don't get paid when I take time off. The average corporate drone only gets 2 weeks a year. Kind of hard to jet off to Tel Aviv for the month. If she persists, I'd take the kids out of the equation and point out the realities of time and money. Doesn't sound like she's ever gonna get it about the kid thing.

[BayGirl2]

OP - Glad you were able to resolve it with her in a way that you feel good about.

This whole thread has made me want to get back in touch with my single girl friends and travel more. Obviously not realistic at 7+ months pregnant, but I feel like I need to plan some weekends away after the baby comes. I have the vacation time and can scrounge up some $$, and DH would be supportive. The challenge is making me-time a priority and scheduling it. I did spend a night away in April for SIL's pre-wedding weekend (a Hen party) and just being away with girls is so refreshing. I do think more Mom's should make that time for themselves where they can.

[luckytwenty]

Most of those trips sound out of the realm of reality for working adults, kids or no kids. Who has that much money and time off of work? I teach music at a studio, so I don't get paid when I take time off. The average corporate drone only gets 2 weeks a year. Kind of hard to jet off to Tel Aviv for the month. If she persists, I'd take the kids out of the equation and point out the realities of time and money. Doesn't sound like she's ever gonna get it about the kid thing.

This is one of our "issues" as friends (we go back to high school so we do have issues!). She is financially irresponsible and I am very responsible. Our vacations are carefully budgeted for. She spends money as soon as she has it. She was living on Ramen noodles last month but when I ran a half marathon a year ago, she donated $500 to it (it was a run for the Leukemia/Lymphoma society), which is way more than I donate to my friends' runs. She is sweet and generous and very impulsive, and I am afraid I am a boring mom with a well-constructed savings and retirement plan!