SIL Episode #83742: Mini Update

[ha98ed14]

Dedicated to those of you who enjoy tales of unbelievable self-absorption, painful frugality, and ladling ice cream.

A month ago, MIL decided it would be nice to spend a day with our family and SIL's family. (Nothing like a little family togetherness with the family you can't stand, right?) So MIL & SIL decide on Legoland. Great, sounds fun. Then they decide it will be Tues or Thurs of this coming week depending on what is good for SIL. Fine, we are free both days, just let us know when you can. So fast forward 2.5 weeks. I find out about a community meeting I would like to be involved in. The meeting is on the Tuesday that was a possible day for Legoland. I figure it's been 2.5 weeks, SIL must know by now what she is doing. So I call MIL to ask if she has heard from SIL on a day that is best for her. (I can't call SIL directly because our relationship is so antagonistic that if I call and ask if she has decided on a day, she will become distraught and accuse me of pressuring her. I learned that lesson, so I call MIL whenever anything involving SIL and MIL is in the works.)

MIL says that no, she has not heard, but she has been "trying to work with SIL to see what she can get SIL to commit to..." MIL tells me that SIL will not commit to getting out of the house before 2:00 PM (on whatever day we go) because she has so much to do to get ready to go. That means SIL won't get down there 'til 4:00. The place closes at 7:00. SIL and mil have season passes so, says MIL, SIL feels no obligation to get down there earlier even though we will be waiting for them since they have passes and can just spend the night in a hotel and go the next day. Yes, MIL told me that. Apparently it came right out of SIL's mouth. We don't have passes, not do we plan to buy them. We are just going for the day (and using a coupon!)

During the phone call, I can hear in MIL's voice the tension she feels. She is both frustrated and defensive about SIL's inability to commit to a day and her unwillingness to make an effort to get out of the house before 2:00 PM. She knows SIL is rude and self-absorbed yet it is her daughter, and if I say anything critical about SIL to MIL, I'd going to get my head bit off.

The icing on the cake is that SIL insists that MIL ride with her and her 4 DC in her van. FIL will follow SIL down in his car. We are supposed to meet them all there. We could go early by ourselves and wait for them to show up at 4:00, but if the point is to spend time together, why should we go to Legoland for the whole day by ourselves and then meet them at 4:00 PM? We would not pay to go to Legoland but for the fact that SIL & MIL like it there. This was their choice! The other option is for us to leave late too and meet them at 4:00, but then we are paying $150 for 4 hours. MIL actually offered to pay for our tickets because she knows that SIL is being ridiculous and she felt bad asking us to pay that much money for 4 hours or for making us walk around an amusement park by ourselves. I cannot wait to see how this thing ends.

[niccig]

I'm at a loss for words - and you know me, that doesn't happen often.

What does DH say about all of this?

To me, it sounds like MIL wants family time, but SIL just wants time with MIL, so she's making things difficult for you and DH to be there.

[Melaine]

UGH. No words for this but I can imagine how annoying it is!!! Just ridiculous.

[wellyes]

I am so sorry for your MIL. If you want to be really nice to her, I'd invite her to take your LO for the day. Spend the morning with grandma and then a few hours at Legoland with the cousins. I think that's kind of letting your SIL win, but so what. Don't play her petty games. Be gracious with your MIL, nurture the cousin relationship, and take a day off with your DH to do something the two of you will actually enjoy.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Very weird. Who, except a mom of a newborn, could possibly need that long to get out the door? Um, things can be packed the night before...duh. I agree with pp, invite MIL.

Beth

[artvandalay]

MIL tells me that SIL will not commit to getting out of the house before 2:00 PM (on whatever day we go) because she has so much to do to get ready to go. .

OMG.. how ridiculous. Seriously?

[LBW]

There's no way I would go. Just tell your MIL that you appreciate the thought and effort behind her plan, but it's just not going to work for you.

[Melbel]

How frustrating. You SIL definitely has issues and seems very selfish. Do you think your MIL would go with you early? I think that is a great idea if she would go along with it.

[arivecchi]

There's no way I would go. Just tell your MIL that you appreciate the thought and effort behind her plan, but it's just not going to work for you.
:yeahthat:

[ha98ed14]

OMG.. how ridiculous. Seriously?

Oh yeah! It gets better: she told MIL that she will probably get a headache from all the stress of getting ready and need to lay down. Who TF *plans* to get a headache and then schedules time for it?!?!

[ha98ed14]

I am so sorry for your MIL. If you want to be really nice to her, I'd invite her to take your LO for the day. Spend the morning with grandma and then a few hours at Legoland with the cousins. I think that's kind of letting your SIL win, but so what. Don't play her petty games. Be gracious with your MIL, nurture the cousin relationship, and take a day off with your DH to do something the two of you will actually enjoy.

We are thinking of this, actually. It is one of two options. The other is that if MIL agrees to ride down with us and spend the day with us and then we go down early and then meet SIL&Co. at the gate when they arrive at 4:00 PM. The question is whether MIL is willing to say no to SIL and choose us over her & her kids. This is most often the choice that faces MIL in any of these family outings. SIL will have a royal tantrum and feel abandoned and blah blah blah because her mother is not there at her beckoning. She will whine about how she needs MIL's help to get all 4 of her DC ready. (BIL is an MD and works all the time, so he's not coming.) Her kids are 15, 12, 7 & 4. Not infants. Surely the older two can pack a backpack with what they want for the day, right? It's become rather comical, but still hurtful because MIL chooses SIL over DH 95% of the time.

[ha98ed14]

How frustrating. You SIL definitely has issues and seems very selfish. Do you think your MIL would go with you early? I think that is a great idea if she would go along with it.

That is the $64,000 question. Will MIL choose DH over SIL? Will she say no to SIL's whining and ridiculous attitudes of entitlement?

[sste]

Well, I would not strain my family budget for this outing. You can put up with rude BS in a kiddie pool gathering in MIL or SIL or your backyard.

I am not sure if you want your DD to spend time with her cousins, MIL, or just the whole extended family thing. If it is MIL or if MIL is sufficient why don't you be pretty firm that the point for you guys is to spend time with family so MIL can come with your family or meet your family there on her own well before 4pm. Or take your DD on her own and then meet up with the cousins later. If MIL and SIL both refuse to come before 4pm then I don't see the point of your family spending all that money and time. I don't think it has to be a big confrontation - - just say, "We are going to miss seeing you and the cousins MIL but I don't think the timing is going to work for us this time. Maybe some other weekend."

[Melbel]

We are thinking of this, actually. It is one of two options. The other is that if MIL agrees to ride down with us and spend the day with us and then we go down early and then meet SIL&Co. at the gate when they arrive at 4:00 PM. The question is whether MIL is willing to say no to SIL and choose us over her & her kids. This is most often the choice that faces MIL in any of these family outings. SIL will have a royal tantrum and feel abandoned and blah blah blah because her mother is not there at her beckoning. She will whine about how she needs MIL's help to get all 4 of her DC ready. (BIL is an MD and works all the time, so he's not coming.) Her kids are 15, 12, 7 & 4. Not infants. Surely the older two can pack a backpack with what they want for the day, right? It's become rather comical, but still hurtful because MIL chooses SIL over DH 95% of the time.


I was thinking about MIL may not want to "abandon" SIL. I guess it can't hurt to offer, so long as you set your expectations low. The problem with canceling is that SIL would then get an opportunity to make YOU look bad. I feel for you! I hope you are able to have a fun day notwithstanding SIL's antics (she is clearly choosing not to cooperate; I have gotten my kids out the door in 10 minutes flat when needed).

[AnnieW625]

I would just go early because you can go on more rides and then just meet them at 4 pm. I get the idea of wanting to spend more time with the MIL so she can spend time with all of her grand kids, but really I think you need to think of your sanity and just go there early and enjoy your time. Legoland isn't my favorite theme park by any means (I much prefer Disneyland), but it's still fun and could be fun for your DD also.

[Edensmum]

Yeah, no, I'd not be willing to be treated that way to meet someone else's wants. No thanks. I'd say "Thanks for thinking of us, but it just doesn't work for us to go except the day that has no meeting and for an all day thing. Maybe we can do it another time that works better for everyone."

[elektra]

Leaving Orange County after 2pm to drive to Legoland is ridiculous, and it's even more ridiculous if that is what a "family day together" entails.
An afternoon BBQ is going to work much better for late risers, rather than a trek down to Legoland! I too, would just try the route of taking your MIL and then if she says that won't work I would just not go.

[California]

Since your SIL is scheduling in headaches, can't you plan for one too?? ;)

[deborah_r]

Your SIL sounds mentally ill. Do you think she could have some sort of mental illness besides just being totally selfish? Are there issues at play that make it impossible for her to pack for the day like a normal person - obsessive compulsive or some kind of fear?

If you have any interest in Legoland (I've only been once, but I thought it was a blast!), I would look at it as a blessing in disguise that you can get there early and do what you want before having to meet up with them. Surely there wil be more drama from her at the park, so at least you and DD could have some fun before then.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Your SIL sounds mentally ill. Do you think she could have some sort of mental illness besides just being totally selfish? Are there issues at play that make it impossible for her to pack for the day like a normal person - obsessive compulsive or some kind of fear?

If you have any interest in Legoland (I've only been once, but I thought it was a blast!), I would look at it as a blessing in disguise that you can get there early and do what you want before having to meet up with them. Surely there wil be more drama from her at the park, so at least you and DD could have some fun before then.

:yeahthat: that's how i would try to look at it. i agree it's nuts if she insists she can't get there before 4pm, and seems to want everything to be accommodated around her strange demands.

[squimp]

Your SIL sounds mentally ill. Do you think she could have some sort of mental illness besides just being totally selfish? Are there issues at play that make it impossible for her to pack for the day like a normal person - obsessive compulsive or some kind of fear?

If you have any interest in Legoland (I've only been once, but I thought it was a blast!), I would look at it as a blessing in disguise that you can get there early and do what you want before having to meet up with them. Surely there wil be more drama from her at the park, so at least you and DD could have some fun before then.

I agree with all of this. She really sounds like there is something wrong with her and I actually feel a little bit sorry for her. I cannot imagine not being able to leave my house before 2 pm!

[cilantromapuche]

Are we related because that is my SIL (but without the kids). If the world doesn't revolve around her she throws a fit. She's 30 and if MIL shows my kids any attention she claims she doesn't feel well and storms off.

[egoldber]

If you have any interest in Legoland (I've only been once, but I thought it was a blast!), I would look at it as a blessing in disguise that you can get there early and do what you want before having to meet up with them. Surely there wil be more drama from her at the park, so at least you and DD could have some fun before then.

:yeahthat:

IME it's really hard to do a theme park as a "group" anyway. Get there early and you can do the entire park before she gets there. Then you won't feel any sort of pressure to be going places or getting things done on her time table. I would go and have a great time and not worry about her.

I also really agree that something is very off with her. And I think your MIL knows it and is why she feels the need to cover and compensate for her.

[MomToOne]

Get there early and you can do the entire park before she gets there. Then you won't feel any sort of pressure to be going places or getting things done on her time table. I would go and have a great time and not worry about her.


I also don't understand why it's a problem to go with just your husband and kid. You don't like SIL anyway. It's a win/win - you get to spend the day with your in-laws without actually spending the day with your in-laws. Tell them you can't wait to see them and make sure they know that you have to leave by 5 :D

[Melanie]

Niiice. I have a question, if she can't leave the house until 2 pm, plans to arrive late, then stay at a hotel and go again the next day, why not go with them on their 2nd day outing? I realize then you are all bending to your SIL, but it would make more sense, or can she not leave a hotel by 2 pm either?!

[ha98ed14]

Niiice. I have a question, if she can't leave the house until 2 pm, plans to arrive late, then stay at a hotel and go again the next day, why not go with them on their 2nd day outing? I realize then you are all bending to your SIL, but it would make more sense, or can she not leave a hotel by 2 pm either?!

These are all good questions... To the best of my knowledge, SIL is not mentally ill. She has no problem getting places on time when it is something she values, like church. Her kids are HS'd, so she has them in a fair amount of activities and classes and manages to get them there on time, I believe. I do know that she does consistently have a hard time packing for vacations and overnight trips. They often leave late.

I am secretly wondering if the reason she was so vocal about not being able to be ready to go Thursday morning was because MIL invited us. I know that MIL "cleared it" with SIL to invite us to Legoland. This is a trip that MIL and SIL make together often. They both have yearly passes. But I wonder if secretly SIL didn't want is to come and but felt she could not tell her mom and so she was trying to sabotage it.

The reason that we did not plan to go on Friday (their 2nd full day there) was that we were not invited for Friday. We were invited for Thursday, and since MIL is buying our tickets, it's kinda hard to argue with that, IMO. (Don't feel that bad, MIL buys SIL and her 4 kids yearly passes!)

Here is the UPDATE:
SIL and MIL are no longer planning to stay in a hotel. MIL did not like the price that the hotel quoted her for SIX people to stay in one hotel room. (FIL & MIL in one; SIL & BIL + 4 DC in another. WTF are they trying to shove 6 people in a hotel room with two double beds?!?) Did I mention MIL was paying for that too? Yes, paying for their hotel. We were not offered a hotel. We were supposed to drive. We live farther north than SIL does! But anyway.

So MIL calls to say that she and SIL and not getting hotel rooms, they are going to go for the day, therefore what time did I want to leave. I said 9 AM. So MIL says I will call SIL and ask her if she can be out of the house by then and call you back. She does, and says that yes, SIL says she can be out of the house by 9 AM because she won't need to pack for overnight. We shall see. If I was a betting man, I would have my money on at least 9:30. Since MIL is buying us tickets, it will suck if she shows us late and we are there stuck outside the gate waiting for them to show up. It is very generous of her to offer to pay for our tickets. I know that. BUT: It sucks if we are down there waiting for them to show up so we can get into the park. I will update with what really happens on Thursday.

[wellyes]

Good for your MIL for putting her foot down with her daughter.
I'm sure her relationship with SIL is as fraught as yours is.
Here's to hoping that little "we can't leave til 2, pay for one hotel room for the six of us" was just a tantrum and SIL is over it and you all have a good time.

[egoldber]

I would still go early. You're driving separately anyway. You can buy tix and have MIL reimburse or else buy a ticket ahead of time at Costco or something.

Dont leave yourself at the mercy of her schedule.

[niccig]

I would still go early. You're driving separately anyway. You can buy tix and have MIL reimburse or else buy a ticket ahead of time at Costco or something.

Dont leave yourself at the mercy of her schedule.

I agree. Honestly, I don't think she's getting out of the house on time. I would prefer to have tix or have MIL reimburse you (if you're sure she'll do that), so that if they are late, you can already be in and having fun, doing what you want rather than SIL dictating rides to go on etc.

[sste]

I find it kind of appalling that your MIL treats her adult children and grandchildren so differently. With grandkids living equally near to legoland my position would be season pass for ALL grandkids or for none. And same with the hotel - - esp since you and your husband are on a tight budget with the recent house purchase.

This strikes me as a co-dependent relationship - - in the clinical sense. These are two individuals with issues and it is probably all for the best that you aren't super-tight with them and your DD is not exposed on a regular basis to this wierdness.

Anyway, if the money issue is off the table because MIL is paying and you want to go to Legoland, I would just go and focus on the park and have fun.

[niccig]

So, any update on this? Did SIL meet you on time?

[ha98ed14]

So, any update on this? Did SIL meet you on time?

I know. I've been putting it off... the update. In part, because the day itself was pretty uneventful. All the kids behaved themselves and there was minimal whining and rudeness. (I am reluctant to admit these things as they are points in SIL's favor.) But it cannot be denied that, as far as behavior of children (and adults), this was probably our best family interaction ever. A testament to the fact that the kids are getting older, and it seems everyone is improving with age. So there's the good. Oh, and SIL was only 20 minutes late. Seriously, I should just stop here because this much was a freaking miracle!

Here's the funny: In keeping with the Coldstone v. Albertsons-Gallon-Ladle incident, SIL yet again proved her cheapness on this trip by bringing her own mini french press, whole bean coffee and coffee grinder(!!!) into the park to make herself coffee so she did not have to buy it at the markup prices. She asked for hot water at the concession stand right by the lego factory tour. She was kind though and offered me some. I said no thank you but thanks for offering. And I was sincere. She was being gracious... in her land.

Here's the hurtful: After all the back and forth about a hotel, MIL & SIL did end up staying over in a hotel and going back to the park for a second day and the weekend is SD. MIL paid for the hotel and their season passes. MIL also paid for our tickets that day; but it hurt. It felt like they were going on vacation and invited us to come along for a day. Well, that's actually pretty accurate. But it made both me and DH fel like we just weren't quite a part of the family. I did not find out that they were staying over until 5:00 when I asked MIL what they were planning to do for dinner. Then MIL told me they were staying over because they found a deal at the last minute. I was kind of done by that point, but kept a cheerful face and finihed the race well. I will say though that they never called me and said, "Oh we found a deal, now we won't be ready til 2pm." They were ready to go within 20 mins of our ETD, which like I said is a miracle.

So, I should be thankful for the good; laugh at the cheap-to-a-point-of-inconvenience mentality, and try to let the hurtful roll off my back. That part is the same old story.

[alien_host]

I'm glad you had a decent time, but am sorry about the hotel thing. We also must be related b/c my MIL/SIL are pretty similar. I get it that my SIL is MILs actual daughter and I am only married to MIL's son, which in effect makes DH and I and DD inferior to SIL's family.

The coffee press thing is hilarious though, I would have had a cup just so she'd have to ask for water to make another cup ;) BTW, where did she plug in the grinder? Could she not put the grounds in a ziplock?

[ha98ed14]

I'm glad you had a decent time, but am sorry about the hotel thing. We also must be related b/c my MIL/SIL are pretty similar. I get it that my SIL is MILs actual daughter and I am only married to MIL's son, which in effect makes DH and I and DD inferior to SIL's family.

Word. And this is what everyone here said. The mom-daughter relationship trumps the MIL-DIL one any day. (c.f. Second class, 2nd fiddle thread BP) I get that as far as the relationship between the women. You're just closer to your own mom. Makes sense. But why would you want to see your son's kids less often than your daughter's?



The coffee press thing is hilarious though, I would have had a cup just so she'd have to ask for water to make another cup ;) BTW, where did she plug in the grinder? Could she not put the grounds in a ziplock?

She had it in the basket of her 12 y.o. graco duo glider. It was hilarious. There was no room for the kids. The stroller was just full of stuff.

Eta: I was rolling with my new Mac starck, one mesh beach bag and an insulated bag with lunch. SIL was bringing lunch and towels and clothes for 6 people. So in all fairness, she had the space for the grinder. ;)

[bisous]

Hilarious about the coffee grinder. See, I'm cheap but I draw the line at bringing appliances into the park, lol!

About the hotel. Yeah. It is annoying. My MIL (see my other thread) does a HECK of a lot more for her actual daughter than for any of us. For us, the wound smarts a little less because there are FOUR DILs and we get about equal treatment. It is much easier to see it is a daughter/DIL thing. The fact that there are only TWO of you makes it seem more egregious. But it isn't you. It really isn't!

I'm glad you had a decent outing!

[Melanie]

I'm glad you had a good day, but sorry about the non-invite to stay over. I would be hurt as well.

[niccig]

I get that as far as the relationship between the women. You're just closer to your own mom. Makes sense. But why would you want to see your son's kids less often than your daughter's?


I don't get that. MIL is good about visiting us and SIL that live in another state. Middle SIL she sees all the time as they live w/i 20 mins and they have a similar co-dependent relationship. I only have to witness it when we were there and SIL wants to call all the shots. DH normally steps in when it gets out of hand.

[MontrealMum]

I'm glad you had a decent time, but am sorry about the hotel thing. We also must be related b/c my MIL/SIL are pretty similar. I get it that my SIL is MILs actual daughter and I am only married to MIL's son, which in effect makes DH and I and DD inferior to SIL's family.



This is our situation as well. MIL and FIL are MUCH more interested in SIL's kid than ours and spend much more time with him, even though we live in the same town zas them and SIL is 2.5 hours away. Mind you, considering how they treat DN/behave around him I"m not so sure I want them around my DS that often. The nephew is 17 and I've had plenty of time to observe them around him - it's not good.

I'm glad for you that it worked out OK...and am LMAO at the coffee situation. :hysterical: DH's family is frugal, but even they have never brought coffee accoutrements to an amusement park. Travelling or to people's homes, yes. But inside a paying facility, no.

[alien_host]

Word. And this is what everyone here said. The mom-daughter relationship trumps the MIL-DIL one any day. (c.f. Second class, 2nd fiddle thread BP) I get that as far as the relationship between the women. You're just closer to your own mom. Makes sense. But why would you want to see your son's kids less often than your daughter's?


I don't know. In our case I think it's that MIL expects us to go out of our way to see her and not the other way around. Perhaps it is a "need" thing like others have mentioned? My MIL maybe feels that her DD and other DS "need" her more and we don't "need" her. In reality we stopped "needing" her b/c she never really comes though...we invite her over or ask for help and she makes an excuse. The inequity really stinks though, no matter how you slice it.

[wellyes]

No wonder she thought it would take until 2 to get there! She had to pack up her APPLIANCES. Good gracious.

And good for you for laughing about it. Glad you had a good day.

[niccig]

Has DH ever said anything to his mother? I know you've asked her to stay and do more things with you as a family, but how about DH? If he says it, maybe the message will be clearer, he is her son.

Just a thought.

[longtallsally05]

What? SIL brought her mini coffee press but forgot her ladle for ice cream? Did she also bring a reusable thermal cup? Who carries this $h!t around for her, anyway? Wait...it's MIL, isn't it? :hysterical:

[AnnieW625]

That coffee thing is hilarious! I am cheap and rarely buy theme park food, but seriously that is insane! I would be afraid the coffee press would break.

The hotel thing does suck, and that's a bummer.

[kristenk]

Does she drink her coffee black? No cream or sugar? Did she bring her own cow?

Sorry that your ILs act the way they do. :(

[jenfromnj]

I missed this thread the first time around, but I had to chime in (yet again!) because we are in a very, very similar situation. I'm glad the day was at least mostly enjoyable, sorry about the hotel situation, but it sounds as though you handled it really well.

Every time I read one of your posts about this, my blood boils because I can relate so precisely to what you're saying! Who knew there was so much crazy out there?

[ShanaMama]

Wow, that hotel thing really bites. I still think you are better off without them, but I'm getting a clearer picture of how exclusionary they are. Good for you for trying to let it go.

[zag95]

No wonder she thought it would take until 2 to get there! She had to pack up her APPLIANCES. Good gracious.

And good for you for laughing about it. Glad you had a good day.
:yeahthat::hysterical:

Talk about a fruitloop!!!!! Glad you survived the day!

[sweetsue98]

This was a great story! Can't wait to hear more:bouncy: There definitely are some crazy people out there. Coffee grinder and maker to make your own coffee.....WOW!