Another MIL complaint....WWYD UPDATE in #13

[alien_host]

I'm putting it in the BP b/c I've complained a bunch lately in Lounge and here and I'm sure you are all sick of it!

Anyway the story is that DD and I prepared for months for a local county fair. We submitted vegetables and flowers that we grew together (she is 6). I also submitted some pottery and photography. MIL was here the week before the fair and DD showed her her giant zucchini that she was growing for it. MIL was FULLY aware of what we were doing in the coming weeks.

DD and I submitted our stuff and went to the fair with DH opening weekend. We did great and won multiple blue and other ribbons. I sent the family (my parents, sis/BIL, MIL, FIL, SILs and a few aunts/friends that like that stuff) some photos we took during the fair and explained what we won. Yes I was bragging. ;)

My parents, sis/BIL, one SIL, DH's aunt, and my friends all sent us wonderful e-mails to congratulate us and say that they were impressed by our "accomplishments". My parents called too to speak with DD to tell her she did a great job and how proud they were. I was so proud of DD (and me too) as we worked hard and it is a great learning experience for her and that is why I do this.

MIL/FIL did not mention anything (they have called twice since the fair about other stuff). It has been a week since I sent the e-mail. Perhaps they did not receive it, but they knew we were going to the fair two weekends ago as DH told them that morning on the phone.

It sickens me that MIL could not take a minute to congratulate either DD or me. I realize people are consumed with their own lives, but this is something which IMO was an important accomplishment for DD. IMO this is like a sports event where you won a game or championship. They support other GC in their sporting accomplishments.

I wanted to send an e-mail to say, "I'm disgusted that you have not commented or responded to our e-mail.". I can't seem to do it. When she spoke to me on the phone the other day to say they lost power due to Irene, I thought about casually asking if they got my e-mail and I chickened out.

DH doesn't want to get involved, he has told me time and time again that he has given up on MIL/FIL on stuff like this. Last year MIL was very interested in talking about it and talked to DD about it on the phone (although perhaps we called her).

Would you say anything? I am HORRIBLE about holding a "grudge" and a week later I am still pissed off. I should say something (I think it would be better in person) but just don't even know how to say it "nicely".

Any advice?

[BabyBearsMom]

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. I just don't think that this is the fight to pick with a challenging MIL. I also have a difficult relationship with my MIL, and I try to save my anger for things that are really important (i.e. when she criticizes or directly goes against my parenting decisions). If you absolutely have to say something or it will eat at you forever and ever, I would probably say something like "Oh by the way, did you get the e-mail that I sent with the pictures from the fair? DD was so excited about her accomplishment and I am so proud of her." If I were on the phone with her at that time, I would say something like "DD is right here, do you want to talk to her? I'm sure she would love to tell you about the fair." If it were in person I would probably say "DD, tell Grandma and Grandpa about the fair." If I was feeling particularly malicious about it, I might share a story of something my mother said or did with DD about the fair to point out that one Grandma is being more attentive than the other grandma. I would not confront them about not responding to the e-mail because maybe they did but it got lost in draft or she sent it to the wrong address, or she thought she responded and forgot. I lose e-mails in my inbox all the time and find them months later realizing that I forgot to respond and I always feel terrible about it.

[happy2bamom]

Well, I don't know all of your history with MIL but if it were bothering me that much I would say something. I would casually ask if she got the email. If not, no problem just share the great news. If she got it, I would mention that you were disappointed that she didn't take the time to congratulate DD. I'm sure that your relationship makes this conversation more complicated than it sounds, but it's a start.

(((hugs)))) and good luck!

[bubbaray]

I'm a very direct, blunt person, but even I wouldn't send my sMIL an email with "I'm disgusted....".

While I totally get that you are upset, I would leave this for your DH to handle. It is definitely NOT something to deal with via email.

JMHO

[waitingforgrace]

I would handle it by generally bringing it up in conversation. I know you sent the email but given how proud you are ( and rightfully so) I would certainly bring it up on the phone or in person when the inevitable "how are you guys" or " what's new with you" comes up. I guess I don't think it's fair to hold a grudge after no response to an email, lots can go wrong with their receipt of it or their response. Now if you bring it up in conversation and they blow it off that's a separate issue.

[alien_host]

I'm a very direct, blunt person, but even I wouldn't send my sMIL an email with "I'm disgusted....".

While I totally get that you are upset, I would leave this for your DH to handle. It is definitely NOT something to deal with via email.

JMHO

Yes "disgusted" is not the best word. "Disappointed" is probably "better". But I agree, there is a chance that my e-mail didn't get to them or that she replied and that didn't get to me. That is why I haven't sent an e-mail. I also have not said anything on the phone since I'd rather do it in person. Better to see her reaction that way to gauge if she just forgot or doesn't care. We have not seen them since we sent the e-mail so that is mainly why I have not brought it up.

As far as DH goes, he thinks it is beating a dead horse, he has said stuff before and he has given up. I will need to say something if I want it addressed (right or wrong on DH's part).

I also understand the "picking your battles thing" but this is like the straw that broke the camel's back....this seems to prove the disinterest the ILs have in DD. Even if they did NOT get my e-mail, they have known we were doing this for a while and DH spoke with them that morning since MIL called about something and DH said we were off to the fair to see how we did (and no she did not say "well let me know how you did", I already asked). So really ignoring the e-mail is not an excuse b/c she knew we were going out to find out how we did. Sure if she didn't know when we were going to when it was happening then I can excuse the "non-response." I guess I'm being dramatic, but she had ample "notice" this was going on and has talked to us at least twice since we went to the fair.

Sure we could have called MIL when we got home, but I figured that I'd see if she would respond on her own to the group e-mail. I guess that backfired!

So I think when we see them this weekend, I'll try to say casually "so did you get my e-mail about the fair?" and go from there. I don't want to make a scene in front of DD so I need to discretely ask her and then see what I can say in response.

So I think I know what I need to do and just needed to vent that I even have to deal with this. Thanks for putting up with all this "nonsense" ;)

[traciann]

[QUOTE=alien_host;3248692]As far as DH goes, he thinks it is beating a dead horse, he has said stuff before and he has given up. I will need to say something if I want it addressed (right or wrong on DH's part).QUOTE]

My mom always said that if its a complaint about his family, you let dh handle it. I handle mine. It sounds like this might be how they are sometimes and you need to let it go. Does your dd know that MIL hasn't called to congratulate her?

FWIW, my FIL has not acknowledged my daughters birthday's in the last two years...even though I send pictures! Funny thing is that he always remembers to send me and dh a birthday check. I really bugs me but what am I going to do, demand a present for my children? It would make me look like a jerk.

[infomama]

I would let it go. I would be upset as well but it's a losing battle. That being said....no more emails for them. If they don't care enough to make an effort then don't share the happiness. Their loss. If the subject arises ('why didn't you send me an email') that will be your gateway to, 'well, I have and you never mention them so I figure you could care less."

[ShanaMama]

I would handle it by generally bringing it up in conversation. I know you sent the email but given how proud you are ( and rightfully so) I would certainly bring it up on the phone or in person when the inevitable "how are you guys" or " what's new with you" comes up. I guess I don't think it's fair to hold a grudge after no response to an email, lots can go wrong with their receipt of it or their response. Now if you bring it up in conversation and they blow it off that's a separate issue.

I don't see the purpose in holding a grudge or creating a major issue out of it. Are you trying to gauge how much MIL cares about DD or trying to get her to congratulate DD? If it's the latter, which I think is totally reasonable, then just force her to. Say, in front of DD, "Oh, Grandma, you must have missed our email but we won blue ribbons in the fair! Aren't you excited for us?!" What is she going to say, No, I don't care?

I suspect you are actually frustrated that she doesn't care about DD or doesn't express it appropriately. It sounds like you have some history behind this. To be brutally honest, I think you are wasting your efforts. Devoting time & energy to keeping track of who loves who more is very draining. Not to mention that it's inevitable for DD to pick up on your feelings, so where she might not have noticed it otherwise she will definitely notice it because you're bitter about it. As DD grows up, she will naturally choose to develop relationships with the grandparents & relatives that take an interest in her. MIL will surely get her due then.

ETA: Just wanted to add that my MIL would completely blow off an accomplishment that I thought was major if it didn't rank in her book. Not because she doesn't love my kids, just because that particular thing doesn't strike her as exciting. It annoys me, but that's about it. For example, we went to a family owned farm & watched the sheep get sheared. We all thought it was fascinating & were talking about it for days. Had we mentioned it to my MIL she would've been grossed out or disinterested. So I didn't mention it. I think the things you did are super & would love to do them myself. We grew a veggie garden last summer. Some family members shared our excitement & some didn't.

[alien_host]

My mom always said that if its a complaint about his family, you let dh handle it. I handle mine. It sounds like this might be how they are sometimes and you need to let it go. Does your dd know that MIL hasn't called to congratulate her?

FWIW, my FIL has not acknowledged my daughters birthday's in the last two years...even though I send pictures! Funny thing is that he always remembers to send me and dh a birthday check. I really bugs me but what am I going to do, demand a present for my children? It would make me look like a jerk.

DD doesn't realize that MIL hasn't callled her and I don't plan on telling DD this specifically, there is no point in that.

I'm sorry your FIL hasn't acknowledged your DD's birthdays. I imagine that my FIL would be the same, heck he probably wouldn't remember DH's b'day if MIL didn't.


I would let it go. I would be upset as well but it's a losing battle. That being said....no more emails for them. If they don't care enough to make an effort then don't share the happiness. Their loss. If the subject arises ('why didn't you send me an email') that will be your gateway to, 'well, I have and you never mention them so I figure you could care less."

Yes a losing battle! I agree that I shouldn't bother to e-mail them pics. I don't expect acknowledgment with every pic or e-mail I send but honestly with them it tends to be complete silence when I send pictures etc. We really only send pics (since we live close) when we are on vacation etc. But you are right, if they don't "enjoy" them then why bother?

[alien_host]

I don't see the purpose in holding a grudge or creating a major issue out of it. Are you trying to gauge how much MIL cares about DD or trying to get her to congratulate DD? If it's the latter, which I think is totally reasonable, then just force her to. Say, in front of DD, "Oh, Grandma, you must have missed our email but we won blue ribbons in the fair! Aren't you excited for us?!" What is she going to say, No, I don't care?

Well the "grudge"/anger thing just happens...I'm not trying to hold one but these are the feelings that arise in these types of situations. I have a hard time letting them go I guess.

And it is pointless to "force" MIL to congratulate us/DD since then it is insincere. I guess I just want MIL to know that I realize that she doesn't "bother to notice" stuff. But I guess that isn't that useful either.


I suspect you are actually frustrated that she doesn't care about DD or doesn't express it appropriately. It sounds like you have some history behind this. To be brutally honest, I think you are wasting your efforts. Devoting time & energy to keeping track of who loves who more is very draining. Not to mention that it's inevitable for DD to pick up on your feelings, so where she might not have noticed it otherwise she will definitely notice it because you're bitter about it. As DD grows up, she will naturally choose to develop relationships with the grandparents & relatives that take an interest in her. MIL will surely get her due then.

ETA: Just wanted to add that my MIL would completely blow off an accomplishment that I thought was major if it didn't rank in her book. Not because she doesn't love my kids, just because that particular thing doesn't strike her as exciting. It annoys me, but that's about it. For example, we went to a family owned farm & watched the sheep get sheared. We all thought it was fascinating & were talking about it for days. Had we mentioned it to my MIL she would've been grossed out or disinterested. So I didn't mention it. I think the things you did are super & would love to do them myself. We grew a veggie garden last summer. Some family members shared our excitement & some didn't.

I guess I need to accept that how MIL "cares" about us doesn't include acknowledging things that are important to us. In fact she enjoys gardening. It's not a "hobby" that she thinks is worthless or boring. That's why I don't get it. I'm not talking about some accomplishment in some obscure hobby that she has no interest in, KWIM? She is not interested in soccer, but makes sure that she informs us when her grandson (our nephew) is playing in a tournament.

There is a "disparity" between GCs and DH's siblings and that stinks. Maybe she doesn't realize it, maybe she does. You are right that I shouldn't "keep track". I really didn't think I was keeping score, but perhaps I am.

I guess it bothers me because one day DD will notice the disparity. All DH's siblings (and all have kids), live in the same state and the ILs definitely treat each family very differently and in our eyes we are getting the shaft. :( I guess it's a deeper issue than the "not congratulating DD/me"....and I can't figure out a way to get past it and not care that this is happening.

[BabyBearsMom]

Well the "grudge"/anger thing just happens...I'm not trying to hold one but these are the feelings that arise in these types of situations. I have a hard time letting them go I guess.

And it is pointless to "force" MIL to congratulate us/DD since then it is insincere. I guess I just want MIL to know that I realize that she doesn't "bother to notice" stuff. But I guess that isn't that useful either.



I guess I need to accept that how MIL "cares" about us doesn't include acknowledging things that are important to us. In fact she enjoys gardening. It's not a "hobby" that she thinks is worthless or boring. That's why I don't get it. I'm not talking about some accomplishment in some obscure hobby that she has no interest in, KWIM? She is not interested in soccer, but makes sure that she informs us when her grandson (our nephew) is playing in a tournament.

There is a "disparity" between GCs and DH's siblings and that stinks. Maybe she doesn't realize it, maybe she does. You are right that I shouldn't "keep track". I really didn't think I was keeping score, but perhaps I am.

I guess it bothers me because one day DD will notice the disparity. All DH's siblings (and all have kids), live in the same state and the ILs definitely treat each family very differently and in our eyes we are getting the shaft. :( I guess it's a deeper issue than the "not congratulating DD/me"....and I can't figure out a way to get past it and not care that this is happening.

:hug: It is really hard to let these things go, I totally get that. MIL lives an hour away from us, but still sees my nieces who live 300+ miles away more often than she sees my DD. She spends gobs of money flying up to my nieces but rarely will drive down to see DD. She will buy clothes for DN and if SIL doesn't like them, give them to DD (I donate everything she gives us like this to charity because I find it really insulting). I worry about what will happen when DD is older and she notices this as well. I just remind myself that DD has lots of family who love her very much (my parents are close by and dote on her, we are also extremely close with my sister and her family) and try not to focus on the negative.

[alien_host]

I have an update, not sure it's even worth posting, but since you guys were so good about listening to my complaint, I figured I should.

We saw MIL and FIL in person yesterday. When we had a moment together I politely asked, "So did you get our pictures from the fair?" MIL said she did, FIL said he did. I said something like, "Oh good, since I didn't hear from you I thought maybe it didn't go through". DH chimed in that he is frustrated that we send pictures and that they are not acknowledged in any way.

MIL said that FIL printed a few of the pics and they are on the fridge. I said, "I sort of thought you might call DD to congratulate her or something", I wasn't snippy, I said it very nicely. MIL didn't respond, she sort of said "hmm". Then she had the PERFECT opportunity to talk to DD about it right then and there. But she choose to change the subject and talk about something else. SERIOUSLY? We call you out and you can't even say anything on the spot like, "oh honey I saw your pictures from the fair and it looked like you had fun".

An hour later she then called her other granddaughter (who left for college) to "say hi". So she can make a random call to our niece but not to DD.

Oh well, I guess I should have listened to you all and let it drop, clearly they weren't that interested in it. I'm more horrified now that I gave her the opporunity to act excited for DD and engage her in conversation and she blew that opportunity. MIL is very social and can talk about ANYTHING. Why she clammed up I don't know.

DH wasn't surprised, he said to me later on "why do you keep banging your head against the wall and expect a different result?" So on that note, I close this chapter. And swear not to bother to inform the ILs on DD's accomplishments, big or small. :( And then MIL can call me and complain on why we don't talk to them enough, visit enough or whatever.

ETA: later on in the day (we were with them for like 7 hrs), she asked how my garden was doing. I said, "well if you looked at my pictures you would know". Yes, I was being sarcastic and I was annoyed at this point. She then said, "I DID look at your pictures". So I said, "then I guess you know how it's doing!". She really doesn't get it.

[maestramommy]

I'm seeing this thread for the first time. I'm sorry your MIL doesn't get it. Personally I'm totally bowing down because we've been living in this spacious lot for 3 years now, and I still haven't grown a single thing that hasn't popped up on its own. I swear THIS is the year I yank all the weeds and get plots ready for next year!

I agree with Shanamama that it's really more draining for you to keep trying. What you and your DD accomplished is really impressive. The fact that MIL doesn't care doesn't take away one iota from that. It's still mighty impressive and you SHOULD be proud. Save your energy more important stuff, like what the two of you are going to work on next year:p

[alien_host]

I'm seeing this thread for the first time. I'm sorry your MIL doesn't get it. Personally I'm totally bowing down because we've been living in this spacious lot for 3 years now, and I still haven't grown a single thing that hasn't popped up on its own. I swear THIS is the year I yank all the weeds and get plots ready for next year!

I agree with Shanamama that it's really more draining for you to keep trying. What you and your DD accomplished is really impressive. The fact that MIL doesn't care doesn't take away one iota from that. It's still mighty impressive and you SHOULD be proud. Save your energy more important stuff, like what the two of you are going to work on next year:p

Hey thanks for the kudos :) I told DH that I got more congrats from my IRL friends and on-line than from his family. It didn't surprise DH. The most important thing is that DD and I enjoy doing it and I like doing it for her. She has learned so much about gardening and growing her own food and in the end that is what is important. :D

ETA: and I should add, you should totally do it. Plant a few things each year that will come back and don't try to tackle it all at once or it gets overwhelming. Start this fall with some tuilips and daffs....you'll love that you did come springtime :)