UPDATE #16-Would you ask, and if so, when? (long)

[PunkyBoo]

I have a friend, I'll call her C, that I have known since junior high. We had a rocky friendship for a number of years - either supertight/BFF, or completely not speaking to each other. We have been good friends since reuniting for a mutual friend's baby shower about 12 years ago. But in the past few years, I have often thought I should just write her off as a friend. When I send her an email to catch up with her I never get a response. A couple months ago she had posted something on FB about her DH working out of town for a few weeks, so I called and left a VM at her house to let her know I'm thinking about her. I never heard back from her. We see each other about 1-2 times per year, usually for an annual holiday party she and her DH throw and sometimes we invite them for a BBQ or to a football game with us. I know she works FT and their 2 daughters are a bit older than my boys (her youngest is 1 year older than my oldest) so I *get* that she is busy, but I don't *get* why it's too hard to send me a "thanks for your email/call/text but I'm super busy I'll call you next week" note. When we're together, we're super tight like no time has passed, and her DH and my DH get along really well.

So last month DH and I went to her 40th birthday party. I was hesitant about even going since I've been feeling like she is trying to casually just drift apart from me, but DH said we were invited, we should go. The first thing C said to me is how sorry she is that she hadn't called me back, that it was so sweet of me to call her when her DH was out of town, etc. I told her, "I get it, you're busy, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you." (which I guess in reality I only mean half-heartedly since I *don't* get it. anyway...) The party was great, we had a nice time and I again felt like she and I are on a good friendship-path.

During her party, C asked me what my plans are for MY 40th which is in mid-October. I told her I don't know. I'd love to have a party, but I don't think I should throw myself a party, and DH would say we don't have money to do anything much (which I know we don't) but I threw DH 2 parties for his 30th and 35th birthdays, and nobody has ever thrown me a birthday party before. She said, "Well then *I* will throw you a party!" After much discussion, she convinced me that she's serious about it and asked me to email her DH's email address so she can get him to help her with it (since he knows my friends and she lives about an hour from us.) We even picked the date for the party and discussed where to have it. A few days after her party I sent her DH's email address. A few days after that, one of my other friends, B, told me she'd love to help C with the party if C would like any help, even though they don't know each other. So I sent C another email saying my friend B would love to help with anything for my party, here is B's email address.

I've gotten no responses from C on either email I sent or anything else. I did get a thank you card for the gift I gave her at her party, and in it she said, "Looking forward to celebrating the next big occasion with you!" but I don't know if she specifically meant my birthday. B told me she has not heard from C at all. It is possible, but not likely, that C has contacted my DH because I think he would tell me if she has. So, now it's been a month since she offered, and my birthday is in 6 weeks. Should I ask her about the plans, or should I let it go? If she doesn't have time to do it, I'd like to know since B offered to do it, too. I don't want to seem selfish/ greedy like "what have you done for me?", but frankly I would like to have a party for my birthday. WWYD?

[Green_Tea]

I would let it go. There is no way to ask gracefully, IMO.

I would also let my DH know that I expect that he'd plan SOMETHING to celebrate (either with C or without), especially since you did so for his last two big birthdays.

[crl]

I would ask now. I would say that you have another friend wanting to throw a party and you need to know because it would be embarrassing to have two.

Catherine

[gatorsmom]

I would let it go. There is no way to ask gracefully, IMO.

I would also let my DH know that I expect that he'd plan SOMETHING to celebrate (either with C or without), especially since you did so for his last two big birthdays.

:yeahthat: I think you should make it clear to your DH that he needs to throw a birthday party for you and you should write off C. Based on her prior behaviors, she' s not plannig that party for you. She's just not. Tell your DH that if he'd like help, your friend B would like to help.

I don't think you have to write off C. I think she is writing herslf out of your life. Its great that you get along when you see each other 2x per year but if I were you, I wouldn't bother with the inbetween emails and phone calls.

I hope whatever happens you have a great 40th!

[gatorsmom]

I would ask now. I would say that you have another friend wanting to throw a party and you need to know because it would be embarrassing to have two.

Catherine


Yeah, but then will C say, "oh, I still plan to do this! Of course I do" and then not do anything? I've had friends like this too and that's the sort of crap they'd pull.

[amldaley]

6 weeks before the date you set, I would write and say, "C, just trying to get our calendar in order for the next few weeks and am wondering if we are still on for X date. If so, please let me know. It was so sweet of you to offer to host a party for me and I am really looking forward to it.

If she does not respond in 1 week, write the party off. Plan something yourself.

Whatever you do, I hope you have a terrific birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also - I would double check with your DH that she has not been in contact. Any chance they are planning a surprise of sorts?

[JustMe]

I never know how to do the "yeah that" sign with the arrow pointing above, but I agree with the poster above. I think giving her a deadline to see if she does it or not is a great idea. Although I generally think it is rude to do this when someone is doing something for you, based on the history here I would want to know if it is going to happen, so I can make other plans and not sit around waiting to see what/if she does.

You have my sympathies. I have had several friends like this, and in the end for me it was the best choice to let them go. It took me many years to learn that lesson, but I guess my "friendship needs" are just different than people with this style. If someone is busy, goes through a time when they are more busy than usual, I have no problem if they are direct with me and tell me, but I really dont do well with continued assertions that we will do something together, that they will be doing something for me, etc. followed by nothing happening.

[DietCokeLover]

One other thought, is B a close enough friend that she could contact C directly by phone and say, hey, let's talk about throwing this party. Then she can see where C's level of commitment is.

[chlobo]

I think I would have DH email C and say that friend B is ready to step up and plan the party and you just want to be sure C hadn't already gotten the ball rolling.

[mackmama]

I would ask now. I would say that you have another friend wanting to throw a party and you need to know because it would be embarrassing to have two.

:yeahthat: I had a friend who sounds very similar to C. I got tired of her being a flake and let the friendship drift off.

[BayGirl2]

:
I think I would have DH email C and say that friend B is ready to step up and plan the party and you just want to be sure C hadn't already gotten the ball rolling.

:yeahthat: I'd have a talk with DH saying that I'd really like to have something. Make sure he has both B and C's email address and then leave it to him to figure out who will plan something - him, or one or both of them. I don't think its inappropriate for you to ask her about it, just that its more appropriate for your DH to ask her. (I felt similar when a neighbor offered to throw me a shower, I let DH coordinate with her bc otherwise I felt like I may be imposing or pressuring her.)

As for the first paragraph of your post about her not responding, I personally would not take this to heart or purposely end the friendship. I have many friendships from the past that are similar in that we've drifted apart and only connect a couple times a year. I am really bad at responding to calls (especially phone calls) but it doesn't mean that I don't care about that person or still think of them regularly. The fact that you still have some annual events where you meet up and things click when you are together means that is just where your relationship is landing right now, and I think that's ok. Sometimes we just have to accept that friendships ebb and flow with the rest of our life and not expect them to remain the same forever, and that its not a reflection of how much we care about each other. JMHO.

[mjs64]

:

:yeahthat: I'd have a talk with DH saying that I'd really like to have something. Make sure he has both B and C's email address and then leave it to him to figure out who will plan something - him, or one or both of them. I don't think its inappropriate for you to ask her about it, just that its more appropriate for your DH to ask her. (I felt similar when a neighbor offered to throw me a shower, I let DH coordinate with her bc otherwise I felt like I may be imposing or pressuring her.)

As for the first paragraph of your post about her not responding, I personally would not take this to heart or purposely end the friendship. I have many friendships from the past that are similar in that we've drifted apart and only connect a couple times a year. I am really bad at responding to calls (especially phone calls) but it doesn't mean that I don't care about that person or still think of them regularly. The fact that you still have some annual events where you meet up and things click when you are together means that is just where your relationship is landing right now, and I think that's ok. Sometimes we just have to accept that friendships ebb and flow with the rest of our life and not expect them to remain the same forever, and that its not a reflection of how much we care about each other. JMHO.

And :yeahthat:

I have a hard time keeping up with old friendships, what with working, finishing graduate studies, spending time with DH and DS, and keeping up with my family. I have just a couple of friends with whom I'm in regular contact, but otherwise, especially this past year, I've found it really difficult to keep up with old friends. I just feel obligated in so many other ways (and especially to family, who really need to see DS as a baby), that it's too hard. When I have downtime, I need it for myself.

Now, when I see these friends at showers or get-togethers that I make an effort to attend, I get really, really excited. And sometimes overpromise. Maybe like C did? It's not that I don't truly want to see them, it's just that they fall down on the priority list--not even to the end of it; the list is long!

I'd try not to take it personally. I'd also not confront C, nor expect a party from her. If it hurts your feelings though, I'd say you have all the right in the world to drift from the relationship. I bet her feelings for you are genuine though, even if she doesn't follow through.

Sounds like it's time for DH to step up!

[KpbS]

I would ask now. I would say that you have another friend wanting to throw a party and you need to know because it would be embarrassing to have two.

Catherine

I like this idea coupled with a deadline. Hopefully she'll respond, but I really doubt it. It is hard not to take it personally but she is the problem, not you. :hug: Hope you have a great party thrown by a current friend!

[sweetsue98]

I would have your friend email her (couldn't remember if it was friend B or C) and ask about the party plans. As far as your friendship goes....if you have fun with her and nothing seems to be different when you guys are hanging out then i wouldn't dismiss the friendship. I have a very good friend (I'm actually standing up in her wedding) who is simply just not good at returning calls, text, emails etc. Our friendship has lasted 8 years and she's always been like that. We have the best time when we are together and our DH's get along great. I think I've just grown acustom to it and don't expect more. Not sure if that's the best answer.

[ha98ed14]

I have a very good friend (I'm actually standing up in her wedding) who is simply just not good at returning calls, text, emails etc. Our friendship has lasted 8 years and she's always been like that. We have the best time when we are together and our DH's get along great. I think I've just grown acustom to it and don't expect more. Not sure if that's the best answer.

Not snarky, but if this friend is so bad about returning messages, how do you ever make plans with her?

OP, I agree with a PP who said that this friend probably does have genuine feelings of affection for you, but is very flaky. Maybe she is overwhelmed with her day to day life. If she is like you describe, my gut tells me that she is a person who has a good heart. She probably wishes she could do wonderful things for her friends, so she says yes and takes them on, thinking that making the commitment right there on the spot (like choosing thr date) will force her to follow through. But in the end she can't get all her ducks in a row to make it happen. She wants to, she wishes she could, but she just can't. I know a lot of people like this, and I have pity on them because they don't know their own limits. They are caught up in their idealism with little sense of the practical limitations on their time, energy and resources. These are people who can have a difficult time saying, "No, my plate if full." when someone asks them to do things. They even volunteer themselves for projects that, if they had a clearer perspective, they would realize they do not have time to pull off. Your situation is particularly infuriating because you did not ask C to throw you a party. Some people will take on more and more and eventually burn out. Pity her this, and don't take it personally. Honestly, I don't think she would have offered if she did not love you. I think she does, but she just can't get it together to make it happen.

All that said, I don't think you are under any obligation to wait around for her to surface. IIWY, I would have DH call and ask if the party was going to happen. I would leave your other friend B out of it because if you bring it up it sounds like a one up, "I have a better friend who wants to do this." When she does not respond to DH, (sorry, I am not an optimist) I would turn down all future invitations unless you decide you can live with her flakiness. But I don't think she starts off thinking she will blow you off. She probably has a good heart, but just can't get it together.

[PunkyBoo]

Thank you for all the replies! I really appreciate getting perspective on this because I know C and I have very different lives right now.

Ironically, I asked DH at dinner last night if he's heard from her, now that my birthday is 6 weeks away and it takes some time to get a party together. He said he GOT AN EMAIL FROM HER YESTERDAY MORNING!! I'm very pleasantly surprised! She does want to work on the party and was asking him about places, times, etc. She really loves entertaining and throwing parties - she is REALLY good at it, too. So maybe that aspect of it is bringing our friendship up on her priority list, who knows.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I realize I have to just accept people for what they are. I have spent too much energy being disappointed by people's actions (or lack of actions), so I'm trying to just accept her and what she can give me at this point in her life. I was really honored to be on her "short list" of friends she invited to her (relatively small, intimate) birthday party, so I'm even more honored that she wants to do something special for me, especially given she doesn't know any of my newer friends.

Thank you all for your replies!

[essnce629]

Glad she came around after all! I wouldn't cut her out of your life or anything. I have a good friend from high school who has a totally different life than me (she's an international triathlete and is single with no kids) and we probably only talk and see each other once a year or so. BUT when we do get together it feels like no time has passed at all and we're so excited to catch up on everything that has happened in our lives. Then we go our separate ways again and before we know it it's been a year! I still consider her one of my best friends though and when she got engaged a few years ago she asked me to be in her wedding just like we had always talked about. Unfortunately, she ended up calling off the wedding.

So yeah, I would just accept the friendship for what it is and not worry about it. I'm just grateful that I still have so many extremely close friends from high school. Some I talk to almost every day on the phone and see every month or so and others it's the complete opposite, but I still cherish all my friendships.

[div_0305]

And :yeahthat:

I have a hard time keeping up with old friendships, what with working, finishing graduate studies, spending time with DH and DS, and keeping up with my family. I have just a couple of friends with whom I'm in regular contact, but otherwise, especially this past year, I've found it really difficult to keep up with old friends. I just feel obligated in so many other ways (and especially to family, who really need to see DS as a baby), that it's too hard. When I have downtime, I need it for myself.

Now, when I see these friends at showers or get-togethers that I make an effort to attend, I get really, really excited. And sometimes overpromise. Maybe like C did? It's not that I don't truly want to see them, it's just that they fall down on the priority list--not even to the end of it; the list is long!

I'd try not to take it personally. I'd also not confront C, nor expect a party from her. If it hurts your feelings though, I'd say you have all the right in the world to drift from the relationship. I bet her feelings for you are genuine though, even if she doesn't follow through.

Sounds like it's time for DH to step up!

:yeahthat::yeahthat:

Both of these posts are me to a T. It's not an excuse but the reality of having too much on my plate. I work in a mentally demanding job full-time out of the home, and no help from extended family for my domestic responsibilities. I wish I was closer to all my old friends. But no lliving geographically close to them, and having an uphill battle to just get through the week with my sanity more or less intact leaves me no energy or motivation to call or email old friends. I'm not happy about this, but I've come to except this as my limitation, and hope that one day when the kids are older I can reconnect with them.