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View Full Version : Being a single mom is really hard



sunnyside
08-31-2011, 12:21 AM
Just saying, it's hard.

citymama
08-31-2011, 12:32 AM
Sending you big hugs. You have such a darling baby and it sounds like a great job. You've been strong in refusing an abortion when you didn't want one and splitting with your ex when you knew it was unhealthy. You're pretty amazing!

I can't begin to imagine how tough it is - and without knowing much about your financial or other constraints I'll say this: I hope he's paying child support, and if not, make sure he does. Try and get some help around the house if you can afford it - babysitter, mothers helper, occasional housekeeper to cook and clean, whatever. If you can keep your job and have no legal obligations to stay near your ex, then I would move to where you have support and your DD will have loving grandparents and extended family.

Take care of yourself! :hug:

HonoluluMom
08-31-2011, 06:22 AM
Another single mom here - I hear you! It's tough. Hope you have a support group that you can call on when you need help or rest. When things get really hard, I really think about how much joy my DD has brought to me.

Hang in there!

arivecchi
08-31-2011, 07:06 AM
Sending you big hugs. You have such a darling baby and it sounds like a great job. You've been strong in refusing an abortion when you didn't want one and splitting with your ex when you knew it was unhealthy. You're pretty amazing!

I can't begin to imagine how tough it is - and without knowing much about your financial or other constraints I'll say this: I hope he's paying child support, and if not, make sure he does. Try and get some help around the house if you can afford it - babysitter, mothers helper, occasional housekeeper to cook and clean, whatever. If you can keep your job and have no legal obligations to stay near your ex, then I would move to where you have support and your DD will have loving grandparents and extended family.

Take care of yourself! :hug::yeahthat:

Stay strong! Do what is best for you and your DD. :hug:

TwinFoxes
08-31-2011, 07:26 AM
Sending you big hugs. You have such a darling baby and it sounds like a great job. You've been strong in refusing an abortion when you didn't want one and splitting with your ex when you knew it was unhealthy. You're pretty amazing!

I can't begin to imagine how tough it is - and without knowing much about your financial or other constraints I'll say this: I hope he's paying child support, and if not, make sure he does. Try and get some help around the house if you can afford it - babysitter, mothers helper, occasional housekeeper to cook and clean, whatever. If you can keep your job and have no legal obligations to stay near your ex, then I would move to where you have support and your DD will have loving grandparents and extended family.

Take care of yourself! :hug:

:yeahthat: I agree with all of this. I'm so sorry, you seem like such a cool person, and you're in a sucky situation. I would go to court and get a support order in place (if you don't have one) and use some of it for help around the house. If he's gone so much, and not much help when he is in town, I don't see much point in sticking around. I think you've done all you've could to encourage him to be a good father. I think there are some people who just don't have it in them. :(

scriptkitten
08-31-2011, 07:31 AM
I think you should move in with your parents. You need support not grief.

amldaley
08-31-2011, 07:50 AM
What a tough situation! Being a parent is hard, a single parent even harder, but to have to take his feelings in to consideration must be very taxing.

Do you currently live together?

I agree with pp that if you can get some help, even just a mothers helper a few hours a week, it might relieve some of the stress from you.

That said, here is my bottom line response...

As mama, you have to do whatever you can within your means to make your life and a life for your little one work. How many chances are you going to give him to step up to the plate?

Big hugs to you - I hope you find resolution and peace and happiness.

Beth24
08-31-2011, 10:06 AM
:hug: to you! I agree with the PPs that you should strongly consider moving in with your parents. Raising children is hard and if you can get the kind of support you need from them it will benefit you and your adorable DD so much more than being close to her Dad, who will presumably find a way to see her if he wants a relationship.

sunnyside
08-31-2011, 01:33 PM
Thanks everyone. You have no idea how much it helps to vent and get support! I have NONE!

gatorsmom
08-31-2011, 01:39 PM
:hug: to you! I agree with the PPs that you should strongly consider moving in with your parents. Raising children is hard and if you can get the kind of support you need from them it will benefit you and your adorable DD so much more than being close to her Dad, who will presumably find a way to see her if he wants a relationship.

:yeahthat: I totally agree. If I were in your shoes, I'd move in with my parents not only to get hhelp with keeping up with the laundry and cleaning but also for moral support (if your parents are loving and supportive). I agree that if your ex wants to see the baby, he'll make it happen.

You are an awesome mom to your precious baby girl. big hugs of support coming to you.

stefani
08-31-2011, 01:39 PM
:grouphug:

I don't have any advice to give, but I feel for you. It is hard enough to raise a child, never mind on your own and having to deal with a cunning, manipulative, charismatic partner.

Take care of yourself.

sunnyside
08-31-2011, 02:06 PM
Thanks again everyone.

sunnyside
08-31-2011, 02:08 PM
........

StantonHyde
08-31-2011, 04:37 PM
1. Contact a lawyer, get advice.

2. Limit contact with him to an absolute minimum.

3. Remember that your daughter's relationships with men will be largely determined by her relationship with her dad AND how she sees him treat you!!!! Do you want her to think that nastiness is normal? An abusive dad is worse than no dad at all.

4. Move if you can.

5. If you can't, repeat #2.

6. You need to see a therapist for you :hug: YOu need to heal from this damage, figure out how to limit further damage, and continue to chart your path as a single mom. It has always been very clear that you adore your little girl. She is lucky to have a mom like you.

niccig
08-31-2011, 05:26 PM
1. Contact a lawyer, get advice.

2. Limit contact with him to an absolute minimum.

3. Remember that your daughter's relationships with men will be largely determined by her relationship with her dad AND how she sees him treat you!!!! Do you want her to think that nastiness is normal? An abusive dad is worse than no dad at all.

4. Move if you can.

5. If you can't, repeat #2.

6. You need to see a therapist for you :hug: YOu need to heal from this damage, figure out how to limit further damage, and continue to chart your path as a single mom. It has always been very clear that you adore your little girl. She is lucky to have a mom like you.

I agree with all of this, especially no. 3 (personal experience) and the last line...she's a lucky girl.

citymama
08-31-2011, 05:32 PM
I don't think I can just move since he is her father. I think it's illegal. I need to find out what the rules are.

I don't think that's true. You weren't married and AFAIK he doesn't have legal custody, but I may be wrong. GET A GOOD LAWYER!

I have a friend whose ex GF had a baby after they split up (he's on the birth cert); he's provided child support but she moved out of state and it's made it harder for him to be an involved dad. The parents have a horrible relationship, so I think it was better for the child that they lived far apart. Think about what's going to happen when C. starts to understand the trash he talks about you - you don't want that happening.


1. Contact a lawyer, get advice.

2. Limit contact with him to an absolute minimum.

3. Remember that your daughter's relationships with men will be largely determined by her relationship with her dad AND how she sees him treat you!!!! Do you want her to think that nastiness is normal? An abusive dad is worse than no dad at all.

4. Move if you can.

5. If you can't, repeat #2.

6. You need to see a therapist for you :hug: YOu need to heal from this damage, figure out how to limit further damage, and continue to chart your path as a single mom. It has always been very clear that you adore your little girl. She is lucky to have a mom like you.

ITA - get a great lawyer, now. Forget what I said about housekeeper - you need good legal advice. You also need to make sure your ex BF doesn't catch wind of it *at all*. For this reason, I think Stanton-Hyde is right that you should be limiting the amount of time he spends at your place, and not at all when you are out. I would also say he should *not* be listed as a person who is authorized to pick your DD up from daycare. Ever.

lalasmama
08-31-2011, 06:13 PM
He does watch her in the afternoons some when he's not gone working and he comes over and helps me get her to school. So he does help a fair amount, but he is so mean to me, it is just making me so miserable. Not because I want back together with him or something, it's just soul crushing to have someone constantly berate you and be mean.


First :hug: because being a single mama sucks big time, whether you were anticipating it or not!

Second, regarding the above comment, you need to remember that there is a little girl watching, and learning, how a man is supposed to treat a woman by watching how her father treats you. Years ago, I dated a person for a very short time. The first time he was mean to me in front of my daughter, I put him on notice that he would be gone if he ever did it again. When he made fun of me in front of her again, he was gone. I didn't want DD thinking that it was okay for her future SO to make fun of her or be mean to her. IMO, that's VERY emotionally abusive--triply so, because he's emotionally abusing you, and also letting your daughter likely hear those words, AND teaching her that's how a man treats a woman. Sorry, you can see I get on a soapbox about this. I see so many women put up with such crap because they want the father involved with the baby/child, but they don't stop to consider what the other parent is modeling to the child.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. It's definitely rough!

MamaMolly
08-31-2011, 11:27 PM
Sweets, I saw my mom emotionally neglected/emotionally abused by my father. I also saw her cherished and adored for who she was in her second marriage.

Please consider what you are teaching her about how she deserves to be treated by her future partner.

YOU deserve better. Don't believe his crap. You are worthy of being cherished for who you really are.

Melanie
09-01-2011, 02:58 AM
Hugs to you. I agree, you need to do what is best for you and your Dd. If he wants to continue to be a good dad, he will travel to see her wherever you are when he can, but you can't bend your life around him and his whim to see her now and then.

Melanie
09-01-2011, 02:59 AM
but he is so mean to me, it is just making me so miserable. Not because I want back together with him or something, it's just soul crushing to have someone constantly berate you and be mean.

You do not want your daughter thinking this is normal. IT's not. You deserve better and so does she.

dcmom2b3
09-01-2011, 10:19 AM
I don't think I can just move since he is her father. I think it's illegal. I need to find out what the rules are.

Yes, you absolutely do! Get thee to a lawyer ASAP!! I think you might find that your impression that it's illegal isn't applicable in all situations, yours included.

Single motherhood is hard. But I can tell you from experience that it's lighter, happier, and so much better when you don't have the negativity of an abusive partner in your lives. Are there days that I wish for an extra pair of adult hands? Of course. But in hindsight it's so clear to me that his extra pair of hands wasn't worth the unhappiness, fear and anxiety of being with an abusive man, not to mention the tacit lessons that DD would learn from his behavior.

:hug:

sunnyside
09-01-2011, 10:41 AM
Thanks again everyone.

AJP
09-01-2011, 12:56 PM
I don't have any advice and you've gotten some great advice already, but I just wanted to send :grouphug:. You are AMAZING for doing all you do for your DD. It is hard to do it all and stay home some days...working and doing it all solo...you should be very proud of yourself and keep doing what is best for both of you!

sunnyside
09-01-2011, 06:20 PM
One last thank you. I really appreciate it!

sunnyside
12-31-2011, 03:56 AM
I just wanted to bump this and say thank you to everyone on the board for the support! I wanted to give an update.

As some of you know, I've moved to Portland two weeks ago with my little girl. I love it and have already made several friends in addition to many friends I have here that had moved here long ago. My mom was here for 3.5 weeks to help me move and then celebrate the holidays. My dad was here for a couple of weeks as well.

All in all, everything is going great. I'm so much happier and I'm very optimistic for a great new year. I've always been pretty self sufficient and while it is challenging being a single mom, I have so much more support here. My overall outlook is much better too, now that I'm not either bored to tears in my old town or walking on eggshells around my ex.

I'm actually really excited about what lies ahead! And can finally enjoy my DD without a bunch of drama! YAYAYAYAY!:applause::applause:

Anyway, Thanks everyone for the support!

hopeful_mama
12-31-2011, 04:09 AM
Congratulations! May you make many wonderful new memories in 2012 in your new home and city!

DietCokeLover
12-31-2011, 08:39 AM
Great update! Wishing you a happy 2012.

wellyes
12-31-2011, 09:02 AM
Awesome!!

Beth24
12-31-2011, 10:22 AM
So happy to hear your update!

arivecchi
12-31-2011, 10:23 AM
Glad to hear you are happy!

dcmom2b3
12-31-2011, 10:34 AM
That's wonderful news. Here's to a happy 2012 for you and your daughter!

mommylamb
12-31-2011, 11:11 AM
What a wonderful update!

AshleyAnn
12-31-2011, 11:52 AM
Thats great! I hope things continue to be positive for you!

Being a single mom is tough but it is a hell of a lot better than being an unhappy woman trapped in a crappy marriage!

ha98ed14
12-31-2011, 01:05 PM
That's wonderful news. Here's to a happy 2012 for you and your daughter!

:yeahthat: Glad you found your ray of sunshine!

Uno-Mom
12-31-2011, 03:49 PM
Welcome to Portland! :bighand:

zag95
12-31-2011, 06:50 PM
yes Welcome to Portland!!! We Portlanders hope you enjoy your new city as much as we do!!!

Happy New Year!!!

:applause:

TwinFoxes
12-31-2011, 06:57 PM
What a great update. I hope you and DD have a fabulous future in Portland. :)

Globetrotter
01-01-2012, 06:22 AM
Glad to hear a good update! :cheerleader1:

hellokitty
01-01-2012, 12:37 PM
I'm glad that you are doing well at your new location and also want to give you a big pat on the shoulder for doing a good job being a single mom. It's not easy, admittedly I have not BTDT, but I have always had a lot of respect for single moms.

LexyLou
01-01-2012, 12:42 PM
What a great update!! So happy to hear! Happy 2012 to you all!

StantonHyde
01-01-2012, 06:58 PM
Yay for you!

larig
01-01-2012, 07:04 PM
what a great update!! Welcome to the PNW. I just drove back to WA after being away on vacation. I still think it's the most beautiful place on earth.

Ceepa
01-01-2012, 07:08 PM
What a nice change. Hope you and DD enjoy exploring your new area.

sunnyside
01-01-2012, 11:15 PM
Thank you all so much! I'm loving Portland so far. I can't wait to really start exploring. So far it's just exactly what I expected and hoped!