daycare drama

[Serepta]

So tomorrow will be the first day I'm dropping my 3 mo DD to daycare, since I'm returning to work, and I think it's safe to say I'm a complete wreck! As if it isn't hard enough leaving to go back to work, I now have another issue to increase my anxiety. My husband and I live in an area where we have no family near us, and because financially we can't afford to have one of us stay home, daycare was really our only option when I returned to work (we don't live in a big area - haven't been able to find things like nanny services, etc.) One of my really good friends (we basically consider them family) gave us a really good recommendation for the place where his kids go. We interviewed a lot of daycare providers, including the one he recommended, and really felt comfortable with his recommendation. My husband and I also dropped in on her during the day once of twice to see how the daycare runs, and I have to say I was impressed, and felt very comfortable leaving my child in her care. So, two days ago my friend called me up and told us that he was pulling his kids out of daycare because he didn't feel comfortable leaving them there anymore. I asked him why, and it had nothing to do with the safety or well-being of his kids, but more to do with the woman's policies on taking days off (she doesn't change for school vacations, but does charge for unexpected days off). So I though, ok, fine, I still feel safe with my daughter going there, and it's not like I can find a new place in less than a week's worth of time. So then, in a later conversation he casually tells me that he doesn't feel this woman interacts with the kids much, since every time he went to pick up his kids they were in a swing or exersaucer and never being held or played with. This was pretty different from what my husband and I observed when we dropped in, so I thought maybe it just happened to be that way when he happened to pick his kids up. But then he went on a rant completely bashing the lady and explaining how terrible she was (after initially giving a good recommendation). Now I'm kind of pissed off, because we went to this particular place partly because of his recommendation in the first place, and I'm also a little concerned about how things are run. Did we just catch them on good days when we stopped in? I keep reassuring myself that it is a state certified daycare provider, and that my friend is probably just bashing her because he's angry. Still, I am worried, and can't exactly find a new person in such a short amount of time. Why does my friend have to increase my anxiety so much, when it's hard enough leaving my baby for the 1st time??? Ugh!

[BabyBearsMom]

First of all, :hug5:, first day of daycare is so hard. DD started daycare at 3 months too and I cried my eyes out after I dropped her off (and I am not a cryer).

Your friend seems to be acting really oddly. It seems like there must be more to the story than just the policies. I would probably ask him to elaborate on what happened that is upsetting him so much.

I would be worried if there are a lot of "unexpected" days off though. It is really hard to organize last minute child care and you will quickly run through good will at your work place if you constantly have to stay home because you daycare is unexpectedly closed on top of the time you take off when your kids are sick or they pass the germs on to you.

[amldaley]

Well, as far as the days off go, I think it is pretty normal to charge for unplanned missed days. That is a daycare slot they could have filled otherwise, it is a loss of income to them.

I would maintain the course of action you have planned and be very observant while developing a plan B. If you have specific concerns about how time is spent, ask the provider for a schedule or ask her how often LO's are in the swing and for how long, how often are they engaged in tummy time, etc.

It is so hard those first few days. Any chance you can actually go and stay with your DD there for an hour or so the first day? Or arrive early for pick up and just hang out so you can see how things operate over a longer period of time?

I am sorry your friend threw that wrench in your plans - good luck :)

ETA: Sorry - maybe I misread about the school vacations vs unexpected days. Are you saying your provider may just randomly take days off? I would find that totally unacceptable.

[BabbyO]

Well, I'm pretty sure that there is nothing that can be done or said to take away from your stress right now, but think of these things:

1. You did your research. Trust YOUR instinct and what you/DH observed.
2. You can and should continually evaluate what you see in terms of interaction, safety, etc. There is no way you can be with your child all day...but you NEED to be continually aware of what is going on through communication and observation.
3. It is fairly typical to charge for unexpected days off. Most daycare centers will do this as well as in-home daycare (at least in this area). They also often tend to charge for holidays...at least that is what I found. I think of it this way...I get paid holidays/sick days, our sitter should too.

We pay the sitter for any sick days DS has and is home with us and most sick days the sitter takes (when she has to call and cancel - not that this has happened a lot). The exceptions are when our sitter has had to take an extended amt of time of (recently 2 weeks to recover from throwing out her back) or when we've agreed in advance that she won't be paid for a holiday or vacation.

Typically our sitter is only unpaid for about 2 weeks/year. One when we take vacation and one when she takes vacation.

ETA: I may have mis-understood, too. I'm assuming by unexpected days off you mean days where the child is sick or doesn't go to daycare for some reason. We even allow for a few "sick" days for our sitter...but in the 2 years she's been watching DS she's only "called in sick" maybe 4 times. As I noted, we did have to find fairly last minute care for about 2 weeks recently...but even at that she asked if there was anyway we could get someone to watch DS for the latter half of the week (she asked on Monday afternoon, watched him Tuesday, and we were set with alternate care for W-F and the following week).

Best of luck! It IS hard, but your DD will survive...and I promise you will, too! :) Its probably going to be harder for you for a while.

[Serepta]

thanks for the reassurance. The days off thing is that the provider still expects payment is your kid is out sick or out due to school snow days (my friend and I are both educators). Honestly I think this woman is more than accommodating considering she doesn't charge us for school vacations, and is one of the few I've talked to who doesn't. Every day she provides parents with what their child did throught the day (how long napping, how much she ate, how much tummy time, how much time on floor, etc.) which I think is also a definite benefit, and one reason why I'm not sure why my friend is so upset. I think it's more of a personality conflict between him and her, but of course it still feeds into my already high level of stress over leaving her!I guess I just have to keep telling myself that my husband and I did as much research as we could. Although my workplace is too far away my husband has the luxury of swinging by to check on DD during his lunch break, which he plans to do, so that might give us a better idea of what DD does there all day, and how the workers interact with the kids.

[lil_acorn]

You could also call the dept of early education and find out audit results on this daycare. It may not give you too much info but at least you will get the biggies - for example, insufficient ratio, insufficient training etc.

[BabyBearsMom]

thanks for the reassurance. The days off thing is that the provider still expects payment is your kid is out sick or out due to school snow days (my friend and I are both educators). Honestly I think this woman is more than accommodating considering she doesn't charge us for school vacations, and is one of the few I've talked to who doesn't. Every day she provides parents with what their child did throught the day (how long napping, how much she ate, how much tummy time, how much time on floor, etc.) which I think is also a definite benefit, and one reason why I'm not sure why my friend is so upset. I think it's more of a personality conflict between him and her, but of course it still feeds into my already high level of stress over leaving her!I guess I just have to keep telling myself that my husband and I did as much research as we could. Although my workplace is too far away my husband has the luxury of swinging by to check on DD during his lunch break, which he plans to do, so that might give us a better idea of what DD does there all day, and how the workers interact with the kids.


Oh I thought you meant that the teacher had unexpected day off. What you are describing is completely normal at day cares. We pay for sick days, all federal holidays, Good Friday, and weather closings (our day care follows the federal closing schedule). We get two weeks per year of our choosing that we can take as vacation and we only pay 1/2 for those two weeks. This is a generous policy around our parts. I agree with BabyO, trust your instincts and your baby will be a-okay. My DD loves daycare. Our day care providers name was DD's 4th word! And now, when she wants to go to daycare, she stands at the door and says "Hi [dcp name] Hi!". Your kiddo will be loving it too. They have tons of toys, and lots of other kids to play with and observe. Everything will be fine.

[MoJo]

BTDT but with my 14 month old. It would be SO much harder with a 3 month old!

Does the daycare provider have an "open door" policy? Could you, your spouse, or a friend (or all the above) drop in at various times over these first few weeks to see what's really going on?

I assume you meant that the daycare provider charges for days you don't use her. . . as do all of the ones I'm familiar with. If the provider is closed, that would be a problem.

I will say that I saw one daycare provider who was clearly keeping kids in the exersaucer far too long. And the daycare provider I'm using for Ha does have the 4-month-old in the swing a lot. . . because the baby cries continuously if she's not in the swing. My baby went through a very short stage like that too (at home with me). This baby just started daycare last week, and they are actively working with her one on one to help her adjust. I'm confident she won't be in the swing for long!

I'd take comfort that you chose the best provider you could, and then just verify that they are really doing what you expect.

:hug: to you.

[Serepta]

She does have an open door policy (I think I'd be suspicious of anyone who didn't!), and we did baclground checks and stuff. So I'm probably freaking out for nothing. I'm just super stressed about leaving my baby!

[smiles33]

I completely understand your stress. I dropped off DD1 at 4 months old and shortened my maternity leave with DD2 to 3 months as I was bored at home and I knew she would be in great hands. The first day is also tough because you're back in the office, wondering what your baby is doing, worrying whether the daycare provider knows how she likes to be held or how to tell when she's tired, etc. This unexpected change of heart from your friend IS really stressful, but I agree with others re: going with your gut. The fact that you were able to observe the DCP on prior occasions and didn't find the situation to be as your friend claimed is reassuring. I also want to encourage you to visit during your lunch hour if you can. That was so reassuring to me to see DD1 happily cooing, hear that she already had a nap and successfully drank a bottle, etc.

Good luck tomorrow! I'm sure your DD will adjust well--it's you and your DH who face the biggest challenge adjusting to the transition!

[JustMe]

Wow, what weird behavior from your friend, IMHO. I think I might try to have an honest conversation with him about how worried you are, given what he is saying and see what he has to say about that. Is he just so angry about the policies (money-related) she has, that he is exaggerating things (I wouldnt necessarily ask him that in that way!) or if not why the sudden change in opinion? Hugs, this sounds so difficult. I would be freaking out!

[carolinamama]

Do you have access to other references for that daycare? I know when we were looking for DS1 at smaller centers, they had a list of parents that we could call and ask questions about their experiences there. Maybe something specific happened with your friend that wouldn't even apply to you and your child. And I would also check with the state daycare auditing agency. Is your baby's first day going to be your first day back to work or can your have your DC go to daycare for a half day or two and do a few unexpected drop-ins?

I am also freaking out because I am going back to work in 2 weeks and leaving DD with a new nanny, who is starting with us next week. I completely know how you feel about leaving a baby for the first time. It is so hard. :hug: