3 year old - no independent play, does not want to be alone

[amldaley]

3 year old DD can not be alone, ever, for anything.

I was a SAHM for 6.5 months and then DD has been in daycare full time.

When we are home, she has to be with one of us CONSTANTLY. She does not seem to be able to play independently. If one of us walks out of the room, she immediately has to know where we are. She wants one of us to be engaged in play with her, not just near by.

Any ideas on this? Is it a result of being at daycare and never being alone? Is it just personality driven? Is it a phase?

[ShanaMama]

You mentioned in another post that she has some 'issues' but I don't recall reading about them. Where they medical issues? So I don't know if that could play a part here.
Other than that I'd say some of it is classic oldest syndrome. They are used to adult attention so they require it. Some will say the opposite, that oldests know how to play by themselves, but it can depend on personality.
Lastly, don't underestimate the effects of your pregnancy & impending new member of the family. Before she understood anything, my DD1 sensed something was different when I was pregnant with #2 & became super clingy. I actually found her to be more clingy during pregnancy than after DD2 came along. Of course, some of it could be your reduced energy which magically increases their need for you!

[sste]

OP, I should have more to share in a few more weeks because this is something we are working on in parent coaching/therapy with our three year old DS. You are wise to address it now because what we found is that it has led to our baby DD not getting a fair amount of attention and also to DH and I barely being able to talk to each other.

Anyway, we have only touched on this briefly but what our therapist said is that "go play by yourself" is too open-ended and daunting - - she pointed out it is a hard thing for adults to do (at least pre-internet, he he). She suggested setting DS up with a toy and with a specific task "Why don't you build out the railroad track from the dining room the living room and call us when you have the track in the living room" or "why don't you build a house for x stuffed animal with the magnatiles." She said we would need to start small in terms of time and gradually build DS up to more independent play.

HTH :)

[chozen]

i know some members don't let there lo's watch tv which is ok, but our dd does watch some tv mostly dvd's and she will play by herself in the frontroom when the tv is on. she is closer to four now and has just really started to play more by herself. she will also play in the frontroom without the tv on, but honestly she plays better by herself when the tv is on, i do leave it turned down pretty low.

[amldaley]

You mentioned in another post that she has some 'issues' but I don't recall reading about them. Where they medical issues? So I don't know if that could play a part here.
Other than that I'd say some of it is classic oldest syndrome. They are used to adult attention so they require it. Some will say the opposite, that oldests know how to play by themselves, but it can depend on personality.
Lastly, don't underestimate the effects of your pregnancy & impending new member of the family. Before she understood anything, my DD1 sensed something was different when I was pregnant with #2 & became super clingy. I actually found her to be more clingy during pregnancy than after DD2 came along. Of course, some of it could be your reduced energy which magically increases their need for you!

DD had DDH as an infant and continues to have alot of coordination and gross motor skills issues. She falls down alot. We don't know if that is due to the hip displaysia or just clumsiness but we think it is more than classic klutz.

She has some dairy sensitivity/allergy, but the big issue is Absence Seizures. She hasn't had one now in a few months though the called me twice last month from daycare to report they thought she was having seizures in her sleep. She is totally unaware of the absence seizures.

She has never liked to be alone, but then again, we also never left her alone. As first time parents, we really hovered. We co-slept on and off until she was 2. So, I do feel like we have contributed to this.

I would blame it on low energy, but DH comments on it and a friend I was chatting with by phone yesterday commented on it as she was able to have a complete conversation wholly uninterrupted by her almost 6 and almost 4 year olds but DD was almost a third person in our conversation from my end.

[amldaley]

OP, I should have more to share in a few more weeks because this is something we are working on in parent coaching/therapy with our three year old DS. You are wise to address it now because what we found is that it has led to our baby DD not getting a fair amount of attention and also to DH and I barely being able to talk to each other.

Anyway, we have only touched on this briefly but what our therapist said is that "go play by yourself" is too open-ended and daunting - - she pointed out it is a hard thing for adults to do (at least pre-internet, he he). She suggested setting DS up with a toy and with a specific task "Why don't you build out the railroad track from the dining room the living room and call us when you have the track in the living room" or "why don't you build a house for x stuffed animal with the magnatiles." She said we would need to start small in terms of time and gradually build DS up to more independent play.

HTH :)

Thanks for the tips! Yes, I do have to sort of set her up to do something, but then she will want me to come do it with her!

Please keep me posted - the parenting coaching sounds interesting.

[amldaley]

i know some members don't let there lo's watch tv which is ok, but our dd does watch some tv mostly dvd's and she will play by herself in the frontroom when the tv is on. she is closer to four now and has just really started to play more by herself. she will also play in the frontroom without the tv on, but honestly she plays better by herself when the tv is on, i do leave it turned down pretty low.

Interesting that you mention that. DD HAS to have the TV on or, at a real minimum, music on. She doesn't even really watch it but it's like she can't stand not having the comfort of sounds and voices.

I was one of those parents until this past year between DH being deployed and work, etc. I am a little worried she is becoming addicted to TV!

[georgiegirl]

My DD (now 5) was like that. She was high needs from the moment she was born, and she's still that way. She didn't really play indpendently until she was 4. I wouldn't "blame" cosleeping. I coslept with both of my kids. I'm still cosleeping with 2 year old DS, and he's always been able to play independently. Just different personalities.

It's hard to have a high needs kid. Hugs.

[elephantmeg]

DD is that way to an extent, she needs someone-DS, us, something. She is slowly getting better though especially if I can get her involved in something-cooking something for her dolls in the play kitchen, or playing littlest pet shop. And if she and DS can do something together (playdough etc) that helps too. But it's hard.

[brittone2]

My oldest was like this. We did gradually work toward getting him to play for short spurts on his own, using the techniques sste discussed.

When DD was born, he was a little under 3. Once she became mobile (he was a little under 3.5) he was frustrated that she'd crawl over to the blocks he was building with, etc. and knock them down. We only had one living space at the time, and no playroom.

We moved his train table, blocks, etc. to his room and it was the "baby safe" zone. If he wanted to do something more intricate or didn't want to have his play disturbed, that was where he was expected to go, as I couldn't spend all day policing DD moving around.

It took some coaching but over the course of a few months it did help. He also dropped his nap around age 3 and we transitioned to quiet time in his room right around the time DD was born. That helped transition him to the idea of playing in his room, on his own. It gave me a chance to nurse DD down for a nap in peace, and he got somewhat accustomed to playing on his own for a little bit.

When DD became more of a playmate (starting around age 1.5-2 they were able to play some things together), he enjoyed having her company for the most part. They are 7 and 4 now, and while they still do the typical sibling squabbles, they have no problem playing on their own in the finished basement playroom, etc. (different house than when DS1 was a preschooler). They also don't mind playing outside on their own (I can see them from the kitchen window), etc. because they have company built in ;)

Not sure if that helps. DS1 is 7 and loves to play on his own in his room, etc. as well as play with DD. When he was 3 I certainly never thought that would happen.

I think some of it is just innate personality, and some of it is being a first born. I don't think you "caused" it. Some adults prefer company, etc.

My DD was always better about independent play, but she had the security of big brother for companionship, the family couldn't revolve around her completely, and she just has a different personality overall than DS1.

[wendibird22]

DD1 who is 4yo is the same way. We have a family room full of toys but she doesn't initiate play with any of them. She waits for us to get something and then play with her. She'll sometimes color at the kitchen table w/out one of us there with her but that's about it. DH says she's just social and needs social interaction. DD2 who is 20mo can play independently for a really long time and it always amazes me how different the two kids are. Both girls go to daycare and I think they behave similarly there. So I do think some of it is just personality.

And yes, it can be exhausting!

[MomToOne]

My three year old very rarely plays alone. I don't think any of her friends do either. She might do some busy work alone for a few-10 minutes but not anything like dolls or blocks or cars.

She has no problem watching TV alone though that's for sure :wink2: