WOHM to SAHM when kids start school?

[smiles33]

One of my FB friends announced she is going to be a SAHM now that her youngest is starting kindergarten. It's the reverse of what I often see IRL and here, which made me sit up and notice.

Like my friend, I have been a WOHM since my kids were born. My eldest started kindergarten today, but my youngest is still 3 years away. I have frequently heard that kids need you more when they're older, but I don't know anyone IRL (other than this FB friend) who WOH and switched to SAH when their kids started school. My own mom SAH until I was 4 and then WOH until she retired last year. Thus, I thought I'd ask here.

I personally find it very difficult to SAH during the baby/toddler years (this conclusion is based on my annual 2 weeks at home with DDs when my office is closed for winter break). Yet now I'm thinking it may be a better fit for me to SAH when they're school-age after seeing my FB friend's announcement. I think I'd love to be active in DDs' school and share more of their daily lives/activities. I also anticipate, since we plan to send them to public schools, that the schools will need active parents. Plus, I may be able to work out a part-time position at my current employer, doing only the tasks I really love (counseling law students).

Anyhow, just my random musings aloud. Curious if anyone else has considered this or has BTDT advice.

[theriviera]

I haven't BTDT but that is my plan.

[niccig]

Our friend did it. They needed her to work when her kids were young and then when her eldest was grade 2 or 3, her DH's work was a place where they could afford her to stay at home. She works very very part-time to keep her license. I can see how this would work as kids still need a lot of attention if not more as they get older - all their activities, keeping an eye on what they're doing so not in trouble etc.

We didn't plan it this way, so we'll be doing the WOHM when DS is still in school. Though depending on how what he needs, I could see myself working part-time when he's a teenager - a lot of afterschool programs stop around middle school years.

[elektra]

I do think that makes a lot of sense. I would have loved to have my mom at home for later elementary and junior high. I can't even remember much before then except being able to play on the playground, and I don't think I missed her afterschool as much from the infant stage through about 3rd grade or so.

Not a realistic choice for me to make for our family now but it does make a lot of sense based on my own childhood experiences.

[daniele_ut]

I'm pregnant now and will most likely become a SAHM after this baby arrives in December even though DS1 is in school FT and DD will follow in a couple of years. If I do, I'm not sure I'll ever go back to work full time. I'm one of those people who believe that your kids really do need more time and attention once school starts. Also, this has sort of been our plan from the start. DH was in school when we got married and I worked FT. As the years have progressed and his career has taken off, I've been able to back off being the breadwinner and let him take over that responsibility. I may continue to do some freelance work, but I want to have more time so the kids can be my primary focus.

[Pennylane]

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I have always been a SAHM and think I was needed way more when my kids were young and not in elementary school than I am now. It is great that I can volunteer at school, which I do a lot, but honestly they just don't need me as much.

They do have more after school activities now then when they were in preschool but it is all after 5, so I can't imagine that interfering with a job.

I wouldn't change being a SAHM for anything though...I am so thankful that it is not a choice I've had to make yet.

Ann

[BabbyO]

My mom sorta did this with us. She WOH FT until I was older and until my brother was about 2-3, then she started working PT. She did a ton of volunteer work at the school and church and I think she really enjoyed it. When we all were at or older than Middle school/Jr. High age (I think) she went back to WOH FT. (FWIW by the time my brother was in middle school, I had my license and helped my parents quite a bit with any drop off/pick up that needed to happen for my siblings. My sis and I were often left instructions on what to make for dinner, too).

[smiles33]

Pennylane: but what about when your kids are in middle school and high school? I think that's when it makes more of a difference. My parents didn't really know who my friends were or what I did with my time, whereas my friends with SAHM knew us all and frequently interacted with us.

I think back to my childhood and realized I played team sports starting in middle school because there weren't any after-school programs and my WOH mom couldn't pick me up until 5:30. So that was our "default" after-school care. Good thing I managed to not cut from the teams! Still, there were some days I just sat in front of the school for 2 hours as we lived too far away to walk and there was no bus for high school students. I thought about walking to the middle school 3 blocks away to take that bus but it was too embarrassing.

One time I walked home as a high school freshman (as I didn't have a Fall sport to play) and it took either 45 min or an hour. My mom ended up paying a classmate's mom (someone who wasn't a friend of mine) to drive me home. I joined the volleyball team the next year.

I think the hardest part for me will be stepping down from my job, as there's no way I can retain the title/authority and only work p/t. Ideally, I'd work only a few hours 3x/week so I could still be at the school during business hours and be home before school gets out.

[scrooks]

I think this is true. My SIL has 4 dc in middle school through hs. She is just trying to get back into the workforce and the only way it works for her is that she is done at the same time as the kids (she is a teacher). It seems like lots of activities and events start right after school which can be at 2:30 or 3. Her evenings are completely taken up with kids events and carting people places (and 2 of her dc drive themselves).

If we have another dc I will probably become a sahm...right when DD will start K and I think it would be a good thing for our family.

[momof2girls]

My neighbor did that too and I thought she had it backward. She said being home with little ones was simply too hard so she opted to work while they were infants/toddlers and now SAH since they are in school FT b/c it is easier to have a break until school gets out.
I have not idea how WOHM are able to do any afterschool activites as they are often at 4 or 5 pm. That is one of the reasons I am still SAHM.

[Globetrotter]

I have friends who talked about doing this once their kids hit middle school but haven't made the switch yet. One big reason: there are very limited options for after school care once the kids get older :( The alternative is to leave the kids home unsupervised, which is not ideal but what do you do? I would love to get a PT job that allows me to be home when they are home.

Also, older kids tend to have homework, projects and activities that demand a lot of volunteer time and/or driving on your part!

However, a couple of friends admitted they couldnt' handle having the kids at home all day, so they needed them to be in school before they could SAH :)

Personally, I feel my life is much calmer now that the kids are in school. Life was hard when they were little, from frequent illnesses to having to supervise them all the time.

ETA: I meant calmer IRT taking care of the kids. Since they started school, I've been doing a lot of volunteer work, etc.. That is up to the person, of course, but that is how I chose to spend my time.

[scrooks]

I think back to my childhood and realized I played team sports starting in middle school because there weren't any after-school programs and my WOH mom couldn't pick me up until 5:30. So that was our "default" after-school care. Good thing I managed to not cut from the teams! Still, there were some days I just sat in front of the school for 2 hours as we lived too far away to walk and there was no bus for high school students. I thought about walking to the middle school 3 blocks away to take that bus but it was too embarrassing.



:yeahthat: the public library was across the street from my junior high. I spent A LOT of time there waiting for my mom to pick me up after sports and other activites. It was ok but Im not sure I want this for my kids if I can help it. Plus I wasnt the most out going kid so it was stressful when I had to ask other kids for a ride.

[niccig]

My mother was a teacher at our high school, so my sister and I sat in the school library until mum was ready to leave, normally around 5pm. The librarian would leave and then the cleaner would leave and tell us to turn off the lights and lock the door. We lived too far away to get home.

Not sure what we'll do when DS is highschool age as our school is 15 mins drive away.

[Green_Tea]

My oldest is 8.5 and my youngest is 5, and I have been at home since #1 was born. I WISH I had done what your friend is doing. I really do think they need much more in terms of emotional support and supervision as they get older, and I worry about what I might miss when I return to work in a year or two. I think that my oldest DD needs so much more of me now than she did when she was a baby - *I* wanted to be home with her as a baby and be the one to meet her needs, but in retrospect, I think she would have been fine with a talented caregiver in that role instead of me. I don't think there's a good substitute for a parent when she goes to middle school, though. I am hoping that by then I will be in my teaching groove, and will be home and able to give all three the attention I think they'll need.

[AnnieW625]

One of the reasons I am not super excited about sports for kids until they get themselves places is because I'll have to take lots of time off work and I don't want to deprive my kids of that opportunity either, but there are just not a lot of options for working parents so I think it makes sense to at least work part time once the kids are in school. Even the religious ed. classes that the Catholic church offers aren't on Sundays at most churches, they are during the weekday at 3:30 or 4 pm until the 5th or 6th grade and then they move to the evening. That was a huge reason for us that we chose Catholic school because that stuff will already be covered during school hours.

My mom was a SAHM until I was 17 yrs. old. and I loved having her around and her being able to take me to 4-H or tennis lessons, although because we lived in a smaller city I walked or rode my bike with my brother who was 3 yrs. younger. I would love to have that opportunity to work at least part time but at this time it's just not a possibility.

[elephantmeg]

I can see cutting down to 2 nights a week when the kids end up with more homework etc OR changing from night shift to more of an 7-3/8-5 day (ambulatory surgery, OR, etc). My current job is a straight 12 hour shift, no 8 hour availability so I would have to switch jobs.

[smiles33]

However, a couple of friends admitted they couldnt' handle having the kids at home all day, so they needed them to be in school before they could SAH :)


LOL, count me in with that group! Not to go too far off on a tangent, but I personally find it too difficult to SAH with infants/toddlers. I love my job to begin with, but coupled with the exhaustion and stress of tending to needy infants/toddlers who can't communicate, it was a VERY easy decision to remain working FT. I cut my maternity leave short with DD2 because 1) I was bored silly and she was an easy baby 2) I missed my job and 3) I LOVED my worksite daycare center's infant caregivers.

I am deeply impressed by the SAHMs of infants/toddlers who make it all work. It is the toughest job I've ever heard of and I can barely last the 2 weeks I handle DDs full-time every winter when my office shuts down. I think it will be much more rewarding (and easier!) to SAH p/t now that my girls are older and can communicate with me about their needs.

[Pennylane]

Pennylane: but what about when your kids are in middle school and high school? I think that's when it makes more of a difference. My parents didn't really know who my friends were or what I did with my time, whereas my friends with SAHM knew us all and frequently interacted with us.

.

I don't really understand what you are asking? I don't have children in middle school yet though. My parents both worked full time and were very involved in our lives. I ran track and both my siblings were heavy into sports. I think my mom only worked until 3:00 though.

I would just think that being home with them those first 5 years would be the most valuable time to be at home, although I totally understand that anytime we can be home with our children in valuable time!

Ann

[smiles33]

I don't really understand what you are asking? I don't have children in middle school yet though. My parents both worked full time and were very involved in our lives. I ran track and both my siblings were heavy into sports. I think my mom only worked until 3:00 though.

I would just think that being home with them those first 5 years would be the most valuable time to be at home, although I totally understand that anytime we can be home with our children in valuable time!

Ann

Sorry for the confusion. I understood that your kids aren't in middle school yet. I meant to ask whether you, too, thought middle school was a particularly challenging time for kids and that it would be a good time for parents to be more hands-on/home during that age. If your mom was home by 3 during those years, I'd count that as more SAH, as my parents came home at 5:30 by the earliest, more often 6 or 7. By that time, they'd eat dinner, ask if we did our homework, and then we'd all disperse to handle our own tasks/needs.

I think kids benefit anytime they have responsive, happy parents at home. I just posit that many kids would benefit having parents around during particularly tough phases like middle school, as opposed to the relatively simple infant/toddler days when you're more concerned about physical needs as opposed to emotional needs.

[eh613c]

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go about this. I think it's what works for each family. In my case, I have been a SAHM since DS1 was born. We decided to do this because daycares and nannies in our area are very expensive, especially for newborns/toddlers. Plus, had I continued to work then most of my salary will be going to daycare. So, to me, going back to work just wasn't worth it and I don't regret the decision.

[Calmegja2]

My friends with older kids always told me that I wouldbe busier when my kids were older. That my kids would need me, andmy husband more when they were older.

I tsked and said it was impossible, and there was no way it was true.

It is completely true.

I am more involved now, and they need me more now than they did when they were little.

I have four kids- ages 16-9, and it is a fulltime job making sure they have all that they need, get where they are going, playing armchair psychologist, and a thousand other things that never occurred to me when they were little.

I think it makes sense. I have stayed home all along, and plan to continue. However- knowing what I know now? If I had to choose a timeframe in their lives to stay home? Older, school age kids would win. Hands down.

[Globetrotter]

I agree there are more physical needs when they are little (that was exhausting to me) and more emotional needs as they get older.

[smiles33]

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go about this. I think it's what works for each family. In my case, I have been a SAHM since DS1 was born. We decided to do this because daycares and nannies in our area are very expensive, especially for newborns/toddlers. Plus, had I continued to work then most of my salary will be going to daycare. So, to me, going back to work just wasn't worth it and I don't regret the decision.


Just to be clear, I am NOT asking anyone to justify what works for their family. I know each family is unique and I long ago got over my guilt that I am happiest WOH when I have infants/toddlers. It was a difficult emotional journey, as so many women publicly lament that they only work because they have to and so many men (particularly on newspaper message boards!) judge women who don't stay home with kids, so I never felt like I could publicly proclaim that I love my job and work because I WANT to. I firmly believe I am a better mother because I have a wonderful job that I find intellectually stimulating, emotionally fulfilling, and rewarding in more ways than just the nice paycheck (e.g., having a meaningful impact on people's lives almost every day, earning the respect of my colleagues, etc.). The fact that I have a great work/life balance (I took today off for DD1's 1st day of kindergarten and have been working from home 2x/week all summer) is just icing on the cake.

Still, with all that said, there are far too may people out there who judge me for not loving my kids enough to stay at home when we can easily afford to have me to do that--some even ask why I bore children only to have "other people raise them." Luckily, DH knows we ALL would be miserable if I had ever forced myself to do so to please society.

Anyhow, back to the topic: this thread was started because I'm curious whether those who have voluntarily WOH have thought about choosing to SAH when their kids are older. If you have to WOH because you're the breadwinner of the household, then it's not a viable choice for you, sadly. If you want to SAH and can, then you've already made your choice and may have special insight for me if your kids are older than mine. Either way, I welcome any and all thoughts on this topic!

[MamaInMarch]

When talking to a friend who works and has teenagers, she said her advice is to work when your kids are young (like toddler/early elem) and then stay home. She said her kids need her more now than they ever did when they were little. And this is the time that she felt could not be handled by another caregiver, unlike when they are young.

I felt it made a lot of sense and made me wonder about my plan to return to work once my littlest is in kindy.

[Multimama]

Well, just based on my experience as a teenager I think it would be *great* to have a SAH parent when the kids are in Jr High and High School. My parents had no idea what I was doing and who I was with and frankly I think it was pretty dangerous! (Of course I enjoyed it at the time!)

[Globetrotter]

On the flip side:

When they were little, daycare would have eaten my salary, plus dh was never around to help me juggle so I was practically on my own.

One reason it's more feasible to WOH now is because they are in school most of the day (no need to pay daycare!). AFter school care is comparatively cheap, assuming it's there! We have an option until 8th grade, but after that I don't know.. I don't want them to be alone after school, so I will be limited to PT jobs if I want to WOH.

[luckytwenty]

I understand this completely. My 5 & 8 year old have homework and after school activities, and aftercare at their elementary school wasn't cutting it. I finally found an afterschool nanny to drive them around and make sure they're putting thought into their assignemnts, and believe me, she wasn't easy to find. As I wrote the job description up--someone thoughtful, responsible, educated--I realized I wanted this person to be as much like me and my husband as possible. :-S

My baby, meanwhile, is thriving in daycare. I've never worried about how he's doing there. He gets plenty of love there and plenty at home.

It's definitely the school-age kids who need me more during those after school hours!!

[egoldber]

AFter school care is comparatively cheap, assuming it's there!

Ah, but full time summer care almost makes up the difference. During the school year, younger DD's daycare is far more than older DD's after care. But during the summer, quality all day camps or other full time care for an elementary age child is $$$. On balance, it is less, but not half. We pay about $13000 a year for all day care for younger DD and almost $9000 a year for older DD (adding in camps and before/after care).

I do think that older kids need their parents a lot more emotionally and with homework and other guidance after school. I am able to arrange my hours to be home by 4ish and older DD does almost all activities at her after care.

But middle school is looming and it scares the crap out of me. They get out at 2:30 and there is no way I can get home that early and work full time, which is part of why I am really looking to be able to telework at least 2 days a week.

[sste]

Am I the only person to consider a nanny for teenagers? :) Seriously.

I am going to adapt my schedule to be home 3-4 days per week for after school time once my kids start and we will hire someone for the other days. I am VERY nervous about having my teenagers + an empty house . . . it is nice for teenagers to have the "excuse" of parental supervision I think. Obviously, nothing is a cure-all for teenage hormones and judgment but I do think an empty house is an invitation to shenanigans . . .

[pinkmomagain]

I agree that it is great if one can afford to sah with school-aged kids. I've been a SAHM for more than 12 years. I always joke that my day really starts at 3pm. Between getting them to and from activities, homework/tutoring, dr/dentist/orthodontist appts, getting dinner on the table and just being present to talk and listen -- it is a fulltime job. I am grateful that I am able to give this to my kids and I believe they benefit enormously for it.

One thing that really differs from when we were younger is the technology component for this generation. The phone/computer situation is a serious one and an area where kids can and do get into ALOT of trouble. I see firsthand the kids who lack supervision in middle school and high school and who are bored and who spend their time online or texting...particularly girls...and they stir up alot of drama just for something to do and to get attention.

I also see girls who have issues going on, but do not want to burden their parents with them because they feel like their parents are busy/tired and they do not want to add to it. I'm not at all suggesting this applies to all middleschool/highschool kids with 2 working parents, just that I've seen quite a few cases among my kids' friends.

[vludmilla]

This is very common in my neighborhood/area. I think it is, in part, because the women can more easily afford to stay home as their husbands careers have advanced. Personally, I don't think I'll feel the need to do this because I can leave work at 3:00 and be home by 3:15 to be with DD and attend events.

[egoldber]

I always joke that my day really starts at 3pm.

Exactly. For me, BY FAR the hardest part of being a WOHM is that I go and work a full day and then I come home and it's like my second day just started. We process school stuff, friend stuff, activities, appointments, review work, strategize for the next few days about homework and other stuff. It's exhausting.

[pb&j]

I am trying to work less as my kids get older. Anyone can hold a baby, but when they get older they need *you* more. I want to be very present, know their friends, help w/homework, etc. Not to mention just the logistics of sports and extracurriculars, etc.

There's no way DC's will be left unattended after school once they hit middle school. No way. They can bring over all the friends they want, but I'm keeping them close. I lean "free range," but that does not apply for me during adolescence. :D

[Calmegja2]

I am trying to work less as my kids get older. Anyone can hold a baby, but when they get older they need *you* more. I want to be very present, know their friends, help w/homework, etc. Not to mention just the logistics of sports and extracurriculars, etc.

There's no way DC's will be left unattended after school once they hit middle school. No way. They can bring over all the friends they want, but I'm keeping them close. I lean "free range," but that does not apply for me during adolescence. :D

Trust me- this is quite wise.

I could tell you stories to curl ( or uncurl your hair if it is currently curly) about why middle and high schoolers need supervision.

[lablover]

I have had this "backwards" plan ever since DS was a baby. Granted, I never worked full-time with kids, because I was able to convert to part-time 3 days/week after DS was born, so I was still home some. I was going to become a SAHM after DD was born but then I reconsidered as I realized I would not be happy staying home full-time with baby and toddler. Plus both kids absolutely thrived in their in-home daycare, and later preschool. They loved going there and it was easy year-round care. As DS got into K and 1st, I found myself starting to feel guilty putting him in care during holidays and summer. DD didn't bother me because she was still young and happy to be with her provider, and didn't have a concept of "school breaks". Also, a big issue is that DS is shy and a homebody and does not do well being thrust into unfamiliar situations, so weekly camps are not a good fit for him. I was laid off effective 6/1, and although I was offered another job opportunity, I elected to take my severance package and take time to be home. My plan is to stay at home at least for 2 years, when DD will then go to first grade. Then, in a perfect world, I would find a job that would be very part-time, maybe 15 hours/week. I'm probably dreaming about finding that though, and if i can't i will probably just stay home. DH's job has become more demanding recently, so I don't see me going back into the corporate world, because I would have to be the one to be home for the kids all the time, where we shared that in the past. In our county, elem kids get out at 2:35, which makes it hard! It actually might be easier to work when they get older, as middle school gets home around 3:30 and high school gets home around 4, or maybe even a little later. But i definitely find it more demanding as they get older, with homework and getting them to sports practices, etc. But I kind of do miss having the work outlet. So I will continue to dream about my future very part-time job!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

interesting. i' guess i'm in the minority and say it would have never crossed my mind to do this. i have the opposite thoughts and plan..i am a SAHM and will be until the kids are a little older (weaned, and possibly till my oldest is potty trained) and then i'm going to WOH full-time. i honestly look forward to going back to work and never plan to be a SAHM again. sure, a lot of the stress is from being with little ones all day, but i think another huge part of it is a loss of identity, and feeling like i don't have a life outside my kids. i think for me that would get even worse once my kids got older (at least, for me), bc there would just be so much stuff to do for them.

i guess this plan does sound ideal if you are really interested in all the volunteering etc regarding kids' school and activities. but for us, it seems to make no sense in many ways, first and foremost, financially. i mean, isn't one of the perks of kids getting old enough going to (public) school that you don't have to pay for daycare? sure, in our case with both parents working we'd have to pay for a few hours of aftercare (we'd both have to work until at least 5pm) but still...it's a small, small fraction of the cost of a fulltime daycare for 2 babies.

also, my mom was a SAHM until i started high school and my brother was in 4th grade. i think for her it did wonders for her sanity. i think it also made us kids more independent and responsible (e.g. i distinctly remember often forgetting to bring things like my lunch to school, and then calling my mom to bring it over..when she started working, i realized i couldn't count on my mom to be there every second to answer to my every whim)..so i think that really made us appreciate more what she did as a mom. personally i fear that if i was a SAHM as my kids would get much older, they'd get very used to me doing a lot of things for them, and would be less independent than i would like. i'm sure this isn't true for everyone, but i think it was in our case growing up..i do remember telling my mom the morning of a school event "oh yeah, mom, i need you to make this costume for tonights' play" and my mom spending all day (while we were both in school) to do it. when my mom started working, i think we got better at realizing my mom had a life outside of us (which was her right) and we had to take better responsibility at taking care of a lot of things ourselves (packing our own lunches, getting stuff ready, etc).

i guess it depends on the kids too. as kids DH & I were both the extremely nerdy types who loved school, did all our homework without being asked, and were not very popular (had few friends who were also very geeky :)) and had no desire to get into trouble, etc. so the supervision issue once our kids are older is not one of my hugest concern at the moment.

[bubbaray]

I have a coworker who just retired so that she could spend time with her DD who is starting Grade 10.

My kids will be in daycare until the end of Grade 7. Highschool is Grades 8-12 here (no jr high or middle school). It is unlikely that I will stop working (because I would go insane), but I might either work PT or open my own boutique firm or who knows. That is a long ways away.

There is also the option that DH's work hours could be shifted earlier, so that he could be home earlier. If the girls stick with dance, we could have some logistical issues, so he might change his schedule for that reason.

[AnnieW625]

On the flip side:
One reason it's more feasible to WOH now is because they are in school most of the day (no need to pay daycare!). AFter school care is comparatively cheap, assuming it's there! We have an option until 8th grade, but after that I don't know.. I don't want them to be alone after school, so I will be limited to PT jobs if I want to WOH.

I finally feel like I am not paying an arm and a leg for child care, although I am still paying for two kids. For DD2 I pay about $12,000 a year for full time care ($225 per week), which is the same as what I paid for DD1. Last year we paid $19000 for daycare total, and an additional $2500 a year for DD1's three day a week half day preschool. This year we will be paying $150 a month for aftercare for DD1, plus $370 for school tuition for DD1. I am saving about $250 in child care costs this year. Like egoldberg said summer camps are a killer. If I were to send DD1 to an all day drop off summer camp it would be $900 a month, so about $2700 for the summer. The school district charges $5 an hour for after school care so for 7 hours of before and after school care (2 hrs. before, and 5 hrs. after because kinder is only 1/2 day) for a kindergartener was $700 a month which was a big reason as why we chose our local Catholic school which is saving us another $160 every month. I didn't even figure in the cost of uniforms because we would've had to buy them for public school also.

While all of this stuff does cost a lot of money it's still less than half of my monthly salary and since I started working full time at 22, I pay into a pension (and if I left state employment there is a really slim chance that I would ever be able to get reinstated), and we live in a high COL area and pay a pretty high mortgage continuing to work was pretty much my only option.


I have a coworker who just retired so that she could spend time with her DD who is starting Grade 10.

My kids will be in daycare until the end of Grade 7. Highschool is Grades 8-12 here (no jr high or middle school). It is unlikely that I will stop working (because I would go insane), but I might either work PT or open my own boutique firm or who knows. That is a long ways away.

There is also the option that DH's work hours could be shifted earlier, so that he could be home earlier. If the girls stick with dance, we could have some logistical issues, so he might change his schedule for that reason.

My BIL who is 42 yrs. old has a plan to retire when he is 55 so his son will be in the 10th grade; we don't know if they are having any more kids, but if they do the youngest would probably be in the 7th or 8th grade. BILW likes her job and is a bit of a workaholic and is paid very well so they can afford to this.

If we stay in this area DD1 will be in after school care until the 8th grade at least a few days a week and in jr. high will most likely be playing sports most of which take place on her school campus. If we stay here long enough to go to high school depending on where she goes she'll a. either ride her bike home or walk from one of two schools less than 2 miles from our house, b. take a bus to a few other high schools with specialized honors programs so that would be about a 30 to 45 minute commute, or c. attend one Catholic high school on my way to work or another one about 5 minutes from my work.

[bubbaray]

AFter school care is comparatively cheap, assuming it's there! .


Not where I live, on an hourly basis (not that paying by the hour is an option), its more than FT daycare. Plus, as Beth said, summer camps are quite expensive too.

[niccig]

I should be done with school when DS is 10 years old. The plan is that I'll work full-time at first to get established, but when DS enters middle school/high school, we'll rethink my work hours. If we stay at his current school, there is after care through middle school. There's nothing for high school and we live a 15 min drive, no bus option, so we'll have to figure out how he will get home.

[twowhat?]

I have nothing to add. Other than that this thread is scaring the CRAP out of me.

[Green_Tea]

I have nothing to add. Other than that this thread is scaring the CRAP out of me.

I know. Me too. As I said previously, I wish I had done what the OP's friend is doing. I would have advanced my career so much further and be making SO much more money than I ever hope to teaching. We would have a much rosier picture for college savings and retirement, even with the cost of daycare factored in. Now, having been out of the workforce for 8+ years, my employment prospects in my old field are bleak at best and the salary would pretty much ONLY cover aftercare/camps.

I honestly don't think that my kids are that much better off for having had me home for them as babies. A lot of caring, wonderful people can hold a baby, as a PP said, and my kids will never remember me changing their diapers. But a preteen/teenager needs a parent around in a completely different, perhaps more important way. I wish I had made different choices that would have ultimately benefited my career, our bank accounts, and our family.

A lot of people told me I'd never regret staying home with my kids when they were little. I actually don't think that's always true.

[Multimama]

Thanks for starting this thread, OP! It is great food for thought. So many people do assume the early years are the most important. I think teenagers need sooooo much support. It's good (for me) to think about these things now!

[Globetrotter]

Not where I live, on an hourly basis (not that paying by the hour is an option), its more than FT daycare. Plus, as Beth said, summer camps are quite expensive too.

At our school, afterschool care is affordable because we can pay on an as needed basis (6 hours a week, for example). Maybe that's not true everywhere.

But you're right about summer camps! You all are scaring me, too :) but I don't plan to work more than 20 hours if I can swing it. For better or worse, there are a fair number of PT jobs in my field. It's heavily dominated by women and now I understand why the PT jobs exist!

Yes, if you need full time summer camps, it is a huge expense (x2 for two kids - wow!) but most camps we know have a 9-3 option that is more affordable. It's still a big expense.

[emily]

With all the recent thread about returning to work, I was thinking of starting a similar thread as this has always been our 5 (now 4) year plan. I was starting to think we were backward for having this plan. Our children are 3, 1 and another due next March.

I didn't read all the responses but here's our rationale.
Why we chose to have me continue to work:
-We could afford to live on DH's salary but we really wouldnt be able to save much, including saving for college, emergencies etc
-My work is very accomodating. Leaving early, taking days off, working from home etc.
-My salary is only a fraction (~15%) of childcare costs
-Not discounting the hard work of all the SAHMs :bowdown:, but we just felt in the earlier years alot of the care the kids need is more physical vs emotional
-I just dont have the stamina to be a SAHM. I admit it. I dont think I could do it.

Why I will work PT (if I can get work to agree) or SAH once DC3 is born or at the very latest by the time DC1 starts kindy:
-We just dont see how we could manage all the after school activities if I WOTH FT. Not to mention doing homework. We really believe that until junior high school the children will need their hands held with school work so that we can nurture in them a drive to want to succeed on their own.
-I want to be a "involved" mom and all that other "fun" school parent stuff.

Honestly, DH and I occasionally look at each other and say that we hope we don't screw up our kids. It's so hard (and scary) raising children in this day and age. Once they start school (esp the later years), we have so little control of what they do when we're not with them. We cant watch them all the time but we can try to teach and equip them to make the right choices. Instill in them good values. And for our family, we just can't imagine being able to do that if both of us get home at 6pm. We will be the family with the finished basement rec room that all the kids want to hang out in. We want to know all their friends.

Sorry this got really long.

[janine]

I have often thought this was a good idea too. Alot of it has come from just learning as I go - I always thought a mom should be home during the younger years, but actually my DD has done great with family watching (and me continuing working) and it's been easy to manage because there is no real schedule other than what suits DD. I have a harder time envisioning how this will all work though with #2 on the way and when DD starts actual school (that's alot of drop offs and I hate to think of DD being picked up by a nanny or staying in after school program at 3pm). Then there are after school activities..it just seems like a good time to be involved rather than showing up at 7 or 8pm.

But you just never know, ask me again in 3 years!

[anonomom]

I was an associate at a big law firm before i had dd1, and when i told my partners at was pregnant (and leaving), every.single.one. Of them told me that their wives were all just becoming SAHMs now that their kids were starting school. At the time, I chalked it up to the firm's family-hostile atmosphere (of course the wives needed to stay home! Their husbands were billing 14 hours a day!). Now I see the logic behind it, and it scares the crap out of me.

I have loved being a SAHM to my kids (the eldest started kindergarten this week). But I am very much looking forward to going back to work once the little guy gets to preschool. I have always figured I'd hire a nanny to be there after school and to get them to and from activities. I can still be there as a mom and offer them the emotional support they'll need, I think. And as an added bonus, my girls will (ideally) see that it is possible for a woman to be both a successful parent and a successful professional. At least, that's my pipe dream. I hope to high heaven I'm not completely delusional.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

As a fellow WOHM, I found WOH while the kids were babies/toddlers pretty easy really. They had no activities outside daycare, so we had lots of family time. Daycare was a safe and loving environment, they stayed in one place the whole day, I didn't have to make lunch, etc.

When my older son started K 2 years ago, things got more complicated. I had two pick ups, I had to pack him lunch, he had to go to after school care (so the transfer stressed me), etc. He also does soccer now. It turned out things are still pretty good.

There is about 20 minutes of frantic time just before we leave the house in the morning. No matter when we get up, we are always rushing at the last minute. Everyone likes to get maximum amount of reading or play time in the morning. ;) Then I have an hour of stress in the evening when I leave work and collect 2 kids and finally get home.

It worked out that the after school care at my son's school is pretty darn awesome. It's used by lots of kids, so there is no stigma or anything to going. The kids that don't go wish they did even. My son is playing soccer and 7 of the kids on the team are in his after school care. We have a carpool, so I only need to drive once every 2 weeks.

Anyways, I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to decide right now. I had doubts, but it has worked out so well with the after care, that I feel great about continuing this way at the very least for the next 4 years until my son is in middle school. The good thing is I have lots of friends who are dual WOHP with older kids, so they will be paving the way to middle school for me. ;)

[egoldber]

At our school, afterschool care is affordable because we can pay on an as needed basis (6 hours a week, for example). Maybe that's not true everywhere.

In our school based before and after care you pay for 5 days a week no matter how often you use it. If you stop using it consistently, they kick you out. There is a HUGE wait list for the school based after care and it can only be used by kids who have 2 full time working parents (or are in a single parent working household). We have DD enrolled in before care, but not after care, at her school.

The after care program that we have older DD enrolled in you can pay for 2-5 days per week, but there is almost no price difference between 3 and 5 days.

[bubbaray]

There is no on-site aftercare at our school (its only available at low-income, inner city schools here). Our aftercare is off-site (they bus to/from 3 schools). They are no longer accepting applications for PT care. Its FT or nothing, they have a HUGE waitlist. I put my girls on it when they were born. As in, I called from the hospital while recovering from my c/s.

[lovin2shop]

My plan was always to work while my kids were little and then stay home once they were school age, for the various reasons already mentioned. I was a latch key kid, and I wanted to avoid this for my kids. However, life has a way of changing your plans. Fast forward a few years, and now I plan to keep working and I'm happy about it. First of all, I had no idea that I would have such a big age gap between my kids (secondary infertility), so to be home during middle and high school for both boys would encompass a very long time. Second, I'm now much further along in my career, and I have a ton of flexibility so it is pretty easy for me to be involved at their school and with other moms. And, we have a very loved nanny who has been with us many years now, and I hope will be with us for many more. I really enjoy my job, and everything seems to be clicking. So, now my plan is to keep on working. My DH is in a pretty cut-throat profession, so it really gives us a lot of security and peace. Anyway, all this to say, sometimes life just works out the way it works out, and plans can change. When asked, I do give the advice to new moms that if they want to stay home, but aren't sure that they are financially able, to forego it for awhile, but save to make it happen eventually.

[hellokitty]

This is such an interesting thread. I always had it flipped in my mind. SAH when they are little and start to return to work when they are in full day school. However, I'm now seeing all of the points for being a SAHM when they are older. It would have definitely been a lot less trying to be a sahm when they were small and to be a sahm when they are school aged. I think the worst part of being a sahm is btwn ages 0-5, b/c little kids are so much work and your house is in a constant state of disorder.