Defiant toddler - how to handle

[janine]

My DD is generally sweet natured, but now that 3 is around the corner is starting to act up and be more defiant. Saying she won't do things that must be done (change diaper, turn off toys to eat dinner,etc) or making demands for unreasonable things. She digs in her heels and asks over and over and over and if the answer is a firm NO, she will cry or push and have a fit.

Now I've done time outs but these are starting to add up. I also have gone with the tough love approach of NO means NO and if she keeps acting up I take things away like TV time or threaten early bed time.

I'm starting to feel guilty with the tough love approach though - she eventually comes around but after alot of tears and me having to be firm/yell. Are there other approaches you use? Ignoring? Reasoning even though it's exhausting? Thanks - with # 2 weeks away need to get a handle on this!

[lowrioh]

I found a couple of things helpful with my defiant toddler.
First off, IME reasoning doesn't really help. At that age too much information doesn't just confuses them. If they want to run into the street, I say "No, running into the street, it is dangerous" not "Don't run into the street because you could get hit by a car and hurt and need to go to the hospital". IYKWIM. If I give her a short answer and she still whines and asks again I usually turn it on her and say "What did Momma say about X?"
I have also been know to use the "because I said so" if I've given an explanation and she keeps asking.
Another thing I've been trying is to make logical consequences when possible. If you don't clean up your toys, they get taken/thrown away. If you don't stop bothering your sister, you will have to leave the room and go upstairs/downstairs. etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Another thing that seems to have helped is to label the behavior, not the child. e.g. "hitting your sister isn't nice" rather than "you aren't a nice big sister"
I found this information at the Mayo Clinics website useful. We printed out something similar and put it on our fridge so that we can be reminded of the principles and don't just fall back on our bad parenting habits.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/parenting-tips-for-toddlers/MY00480

[kedss]

I'd try setting up some guidelines for her, praising her when she's doing the right thing, less on the when she's doing the wrong thing? Is she missing out on special time with you now, or are you with her all the time? Maybe a couple of special outings before sibling is born? My dd started acting up after dd2 was born, and I'm trying to find ways of dealing with it :)

[sarahsthreads]

Three. My very most least favorite age ever. (Also a really fun and funny age when they're not being defiant. Those moments are few and far between, unfortunately.) IMO you can't really "get a handle on it" until they grow out of the phase, though you can find a few coping mechanisms. First of all I'm not sure what you mean by "tough love", but you do need to be consistent and firm.

I ignore lots of defiant behavior (when I can - I don't ignore running towards the road, clearly) and praise good behavior like crazy when it happens.

I talk about cooperation a lot. "DD2, do you want to (fill in something she's looking forward to here)? Then I need you to cooperate while we (do something she's resisting) so we will have time to do that." And then I follow up (while she's laying face down on the floor so I can't get her dressed) with "This is not cooperating, if you want to (xyz) you need to cooperate while I (abc)."

I don't tend to use timeouts very often, simply because often her defiance centers around dawdling and resisting doing things in the time frame we have, so giving her a timeout reinforces/adds to that behavior.

I give limited choices, which are all acceptable to me. I also give time limits. "Do you want to put your pants on by yourself, or do you want me to help you put on your pants?" If she chooses to put them on herself and then doesn't do it, "You look like you need help. Do you need help putting on your pants?" If the dawdling continues, "I'm going to count down from 5 and then I will help you put on your pants. 5...4...(etc.)"

We do natural/logical consequences all.the.time. Don't want to wear your coat? Fine. (You have to grow a thick skin to ignore the little old ladies who loudly claim your child is going to die if she's not wearing a coat when it's 40 degrees out. You also need to throw the coat in the car for when she changes her mind. ;) ) Don't want to brush your teeth without throwing a 20 minute tantrum? Sorry, we won't have time for our bedtime stories tonight. (This doesn't happen often. It's a very effective threat.)

Anyway. 3 is hard. Even the second time around - I'm finding they each had/have their own "brand" of defiance. DD1 was mostly about tantrums and whining, DD2 is all about the passive lie-down-and-just-make-everyone-late-because-I-can defiance. I keep repeating the mantras "this too shall pass" and "you're really going to miss those little baby-soft hands holding yours and the kisses on the lips and the attempted "jokes" that are only funny because she thinks they are and the little head snuggled into your shoulder so don't wish that it passes *too* quickly". :hug:

Sarah :)

[MamaInMarch]

I found this book to be a nice resource:

http://store.positivediscipline.com/Positive-Discipline-the-First-Three-Years_p_21.html

and this one as a companion:

http://store.positivediscipline.com/Positive-Discipline-for-Preschoolers_p_18.html

It can be tough to stick to the ideas because the punitive stuff wants to fly out instead. But I have discovered that when I do it, it really works and I am way less frustrated and stressed.

[maestramommy]

LOL, my 2yo is doing all of this. And since she's my third I'm way past the stage of "fed upness." I agree that reasoning doesn't work. My oldest finally started be able to to accept explanations (real ones) and mull them over this year. She's turning 6 in a couple of weeks. My 4yo does.not.get.it. when she's in a mood NOTHING gets through. My only recourse at this moment is to either ignore when I can and timeout when I can't. OR lost privileges or toys. But it has to be immediate. Threatening with something even tomorrow doesn't work.

My older two didn't really start down this path until 4 was around the corner. But it sounds pretty much the same.

[toby]

At age 3, we started to use 1-2-3 Magic which helped a lot. But, DS is very difficult and we needed this sort of structure.

[cindys]

Ahhhh, the dreaded 3's...We have seen some signs and are rapidly approaching the big 3 b-day...

I really dont have any suggestions, only sympathy :)

Not sure how I got thru the 3's with the first 2....But as another poster stated....The 3's can be really fun and they say some of the cutest funniest things at 3.

I guess I have just tried to go with the flow because to me the 3's are truly the end of babyhood....So lots of hugs, talks and patience...

I think 3's are really hard for them and frustrating in terms of expressing themselves and getting people to understand what they want or need...

Just my thoughts.

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...20, 5 & 2 :heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat: