s/o: How did having your 2nd DC affect your relationship with 1st DC?

[Tammy]

DD1 was 4 yrs and 3 mos. when DD2 was born. She was super excited and to this day always wants DD2 around and loves on her. But I've noticed my relationship has changed with her. We've always been close and she used to want me over DH for everything. It's made sense that DD1 has gotten more one-on-one time with DH and has loved it- it's been great for them. She's more mouthy with me, moody, less patience, back talk, yells, and doesn't listen. Now she's doing these things with both of us, just more frequently with me. When we're all getting ready to go for a walk or something like that, she tells me no she doesn't want me to go. Or she'll say that she, DH, and DD2 are going somewhere and that she doesn't want me to go. I know the whole spending more one-on-one time with her and all and I really try to. But holy cow- it's like she's another little person and I really miss my sweet girl. DD2 is such a snuggle bug and sweet and so much fun right now, so we make sure to include both girls in things but it just doesn't seem to be helping. You can see the big difference in how she acts from when it's us in the room without DD2 and then when DD2 is there, she starts the loud constant annoying activity. I worry that I won't get that bond back with DD1 though. She's so frequently mad at me and tells me I'm mean for things like making her go to bed, etc. Just wondering if anyone else has experience this and what was the outcome?

[Simon]

I can't say it was related to having Ds2 so much as Ds1 simply growing older. We have a nearly 4 year age gap and that worked out well because Ds1 was so intensely needy for me, specifically, for years.

Currently, Ds1 regularly talks about how excited he is to have a bigger family/more brothers and sisters because x, y and z. I am still very close with Ds1 (closer than he and Dh) but we did make a special effort to make sure he and I had plenty of time for connecting even after Ds2 came.

[eh613c]

DS1 and DS2 are 2.5 years apart and I know what you mean about missing that special bond with your first child. DS1 used to want me over DH but with DS2, he just wants DH all the time. DS1 loves to hug and kiss DS2 but I need to make sure DS1 doesn't hurt DS2 (unintentionally). Lately it's been 'go away mommy, I want daddy.' It's heartbreaking. I've tried spending one-on-one time with DS1 but I can't go out for too long because I'm BFing DS2. I do try to spend more time when DS2 is napping but in many cases, DS1 wakes up DS2 and I end up spending more time with DS2. I don't know what to do but I hope it's just a phase.

[AnnieW625]

My girls are 4 yrs. and 3 weeks apart. Maybe I am naive, but I feel like we still have a great bond however since having DD2 that the time I spend with DD1 by herself has become more important than it was before. I look forward to it more and I think that is because she is getting older and wants to do more fun stuff. People always tell me how much more needy DD1 was as an infant, and toddler but I still don't see it even now that she is almost 5/1/2. She is simply just DD1 and she always has been and always will be and I'll always have some sort of special bond with her.

[citymama]

Tammy, I share some of your concerns/nostalgia for the way it was with just DD1, prior to the arrival of DD2. Mine are 4 years and 7 weeks apart. DD1 has a very strong, high maintenance, high energy, personality. She is bright, charming, fun, exhausting, demanding. DD2 is way more mellow and easygoing, relatively low maintenance by comparison, even though as a 16 month old she needs a lot of attention.

With breastfeeding and everything else post partum, I definitely spent way more time with DD2 in the weeks after her birth, and DH more time with DD1. Like Annie, I think I have a close relationship with both girls, but that undivided attention of being the only kid is impossible now. Plus I hardly get any alone time with DD1. The other thing that changes things a bit is that DD2's presence and our reduced attention brings out some negative behaviors in DD1, so there's been a lot more "scolding" from us ("don't grab that from your sister," "don't squeeze your sister like that") that was rarely the case before. Defending the little one from big sis puts me in the situation of feeling more protective of DD2 in a home setting - which really underscores to DD1 that her sister is the family baby, and she is not.

I'm not explaining this so well, but I think you'll know what I mean.

[mommytoC]

Tammy, I share some of your concerns/nostalgia for the way it was with just DD1, prior to the arrival of DD2. Mine are 4 years and 7 weeks apart. DD1 has a very strong, high maintenance, high energy, personality. She is bright, charming, fun, exhausting, demanding. DD2 is way more mellow and easygoing, relatively low maintenance by comparison, even though as a 16 month old she needs a lot of attention.

With breastfeeding and everything else post partum, I definitely spent way more time with DD2 in the weeks after her birth, and DH more time with DD1. Like Annie, I think I have a close relationship with both girls, but that undivided attention of being the only kid is impossible now. Plus I hardly get any alone time with DD1. The other thing that changes things a bit is that DD2's presence and our reduced attention brings out some negative behaviors in DD1, so there's been a lot more "scolding" from us ("don't grab that from your sister," "don't squeeze your sister like that") that was rarely the case before. Defending the little one from big sis puts me in the situation of feeling more protective of DD2 in a home setting - which really underscores to DD1 that her sister is the family baby, and she is not.

I'm not explaining this so well, but I think you'll know what I mean.

:yeahthat:
Except that my DDs are 3.5 years apart. Citymama - I think you explained it well!