Dear DH: I appreciate that you do this, but...

[twowhat?]

I appreciate that you make me go out with my friends kid-free once or twice a year. Really I do. It takes a lot of forethought. I also more than deserve it. I get up with the kids every single morning. I prepare every single meal for them. I bathe them every single night. I encourage you to take the dogs for a walk, go ride a bike, etc when I see you getting frustrated. Which, given that our twins are 3, is, well, most of the time. I care for the kids so you can be outside doing stuff that you like (even if they are chores) because it is peace and quiet to you. You have at least a couple of sports fantasy drafts each year. I take them to the grocery store and costco by myself so you can have peace and quiet.

I would appreciate it about 100% more if you would NOT BE GRUMPY when I get home. I'm gone 5 hours. I get home and you are grumpy. You are so grumpy that when DDs start whining you say you can't stand it anymore and you take a beer outside to the backyard. Really??? You're with them by yourself for 5 hours and you're at the end of your rope??? Even though (amazingly) they napped 1.5 hours (NEVER happens for me) and threw NO MAJOR TANTRUMS???

I feel like I can't enjoy my rare outings because EVERY SINGLE TIME I come home to a grumpy DH. The whole time I am out I am worrying and hoping they are good for him.

I know this is my problem. I should just thank him and not let it bother me. But really????

[ShanaMama]

I'm not sure it's your problem. DH used to spend much less time with my kids & I'd also worry whenever I left them alone with him. But he really was managing, I was worrying for no reason. It sounds like your DH really doesn't think he can manage your two.
Next time you leave them with him (& please don't wait 6 more months!) can you suggest activities? Let them invite a friend over or go to a friend, suggest he take them to the park or someplace they will be occupied? Talk this out with him so he actually can handle it. PS- Spending more time alone with them might just teach him how to manage better!

[liz]

Nope, DH's attitude is not cool. You do not deserve that. Honestly, in the future I would take more outings by myself and not feel guilty. Sorry your DH is acting like that.

Oh, and I hope you had a good time during your outing!

[twowhat?]

can you suggest activities? Let them invite a friend over or go to a friend, suggest he take them to the park or someplace they will be occupied? Talk this out with him so he actually can handle it. PS- Spending more time alone with them might just teach him how to manage better!

LOL, I did. We had a couple of boxes of toys and books that the girls hadn't seen in MONTHS ready for him to break out. He had no trouble at all with them during the day. He even said they didn't throw any tantrums (which is rare). He just doesn't have the patience for 3-year-olds, I think!

Oh well. Now they're in bed and he's in a better mood, which means I'm in a better mood.


Nope, DH's attitude is not cool. You do not deserve that. Honestly, in the future I would take more outings by myself and not feel guilty. Sorry your DH is acting like that.

Oh, and I hope you had a good time during your outing!

Thanks! I feel better just feeling validated! And I did have a FABULOUS outing with my awesome friends:)

[kellyd]

Absolutely not cool... he needs to find the patience! I only have 1 3 year old, the twins are only 1, but I know 3 year olds can be tough. BUT if he's ALWAYS like this and you really do only get out every 6 months or so, then mama you NEED to get out more often. If you're doing everything for your girls he's never going to learn how to cope with the things that frustrate him, and yes, I do know how hard it is.

You deserve just as many breaks as he gets even if it's just taking a book in your car to a park or a coffee shop all by yourself! The more he does with them on his own the more comfortable he'll get dealing with things that frustrate him, especially since they're getting old enough to do some little things on their own... tho I'm sure now w/o some whining (at least it's like that at my house :) )

[KrisM]

Ugh. Three is a really hard age. Twins at 3 would be a lot!

I would start going out more and leaving them home with the kids. Go shopping for an hour. Go to the library for 30 minutes. Etc. Work up to longer outings.

My DH used to be fairly grumpy when I'd get home as well. I kept going :). This week, I'm the one going to the Suzuki strings night on Tuesday at school. And Wednesday, I'm going to 2 curriculum nights and will be gone about 3 hours. Next week is the PTO meeting for 2 hours total. Not an issue with him now. He'll have them in bed when I get home. But, it took a while to get him to this comfort level. I think that because he's normally working all day and just seeing them with me, it was a lot harder for him to have the kid(s) without me than it was for me for that same time. I do it daily and just am used to it.

[TwinFoxes]

Once or twice a YEAR? Um, you're not the one with the attitude problem. :hug:

[twowhat?]

Oh I thought of one other time I got out kid-free this year! For a baby shower that I planned for a friend!

You are all right, I need to just start getting out for short periods of time alone. Like even grocery shopping etc. It's a little tough because the girls want to come with me all the time. There's no way I can go to the grocery store without them wanting to come and if I lied and came back with groceries, well - then I lied. I need outings that they don't want to go on, or that I could lie and never be caught. I could always use "have to go to work for half an hour" to get coffee...

To DH's credit I think he knows I don't get out enough, which is why he planned for me to get out with my friends (he set it up with my friends first, and then told me about it). Which is really nice, I do appreciate it. I just don't want to come home to a grump. Which brings me to my part of the problem which is - when he's grumpy, it REALLY brings me down!

[hellokitty]

I understand what it's like. My DH can be a lot like this too. I will leave him alone with the kids for 3 hrs and I come home and he is in a horribly grouchy mood. What I hate is that if *I*am in a grouchy mood when he gets home from work, he gets annoyed with me. I don't get how he is allowed to be grouchy after only a few hrs, but I am grouchy after an entire day and he doesn't get it. I can't complain too much though, b/c at least he will watch the kids, even if he can be a grouch about it. Some of my friends, their husbands don't help out at all, so I know it could be worse.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Which brings me to my part of the problem which is - when he's grumpy, it REALLY brings me down!

if it makes you feel any better, i often struggle with this too. DH is often pretty patient with the kids, but whenever he gets really stressed out with work (which unfortunately has been often lately) it really gets to me and puts me in a really bad mood. which then sometimes leads to us arguing bc we're both just so stressed out and on each others' nerves. i really really wish i could somehow be zen about it and just ignore it when he's in a bad mood and not let it bring me down. sometimes i tell him it bothers me when he's so grumpy but that often makes him more upset, bc it makes him feel like he doesn't have the right to get upset over anything. ugh, i don't know.

i agree with PP though, you should definitely try to get out sans kids more often, hopefully the more he has the kids alone the more he will get used to it!

[ShanaMama]

Oh I thought of one other time I got out kid-free this year! For a baby shower that I planned for a friend!

You are all right, I need to just start getting out for short periods of time alone. Like even grocery shopping etc. It's a little tough because the girls want to come with me all the time. There's no way I can go to the grocery store without them wanting to come and if I lied and came back with groceries, well - then I lied. I need outings that they don't want to go on, or that I could lie and never be caught. I could always use "have to go to work for half an hour" to get coffee...

To DH's credit I think he knows I don't get out enough, which is why he planned for me to get out with my friends (he set it up with my friends first, and then told me about it). Which is really nice, I do appreciate it. I just don't want to come home to a grump. Which brings me to my part of the problem which is - when he's grumpy, it REALLY brings me down!

Ok, no judgement or anything, but I am *really* into putting kids in their place. I don't have a better way to phrase that & I know I'm not saying it properly. But I will say something to DH & DD1 will chime in with a question or opinion. Often, I will include her in the conversation or explain the whole story to her. But occasionally I will say "Was I talking to you?" In the same vein, when DD2, my mischief maker does something silly, I will remind her who is the boss. Mommy is her boss & Daddy is her boss. If I want / need to go somewhere & my kids don't like it, it's too bad. I may sound very strict & tough but in fact DH & I are the softest parents we know. We take our kids' opinions into account, don't force or coerce them to do things & generally give them a vote in how the family is run. I'd like to say we run a benevolent dictatorship, with the dictator part showing very infrequently. But when it happens, we are (pleasant but) firm about it. I find this is very reassuring to the kids. They know they are heard & respected but they are not the final word. They do not get to manipulate their parents. And that is that.

Sorry this got so long. Not trying to come across harshly, I just have a hard time verbalizing this method without sounding like a total tyrant. I often get the reaction you are talking about when I go out for some 'me time'. DD1 wants to know where I'm going, DD2 wants to come..... My response: Mommy is going somewhere. You are not coming along & I am not telling you where I'm going. Finished. Of course, this approach necessitates DH being on the same team as you & agreeing that you should go out alone, but it sounds like he does.

[liz]

You are all right, I need to just start getting out for short periods of time alone. Like even grocery shopping etc. It's a little tough because the girls want to come with me all the time. There's no way I can go to the grocery store without them wanting to come and if I lied and came back with groceries, well - then I lied. I need outings that they don't want to go on, or that I could lie and never be caught. I could always use "have to go to work for half an hour" to get coffee...


Nah, you don't need to lie or make up excuses. Just a "no, mommy is going out alone to do errands today" and just keep repeating it. My boys still want to come with me when I go out to see my BFF (they love her) and I just tell them the truth, there will be another time (and there always is). Honestly, sometimes there is nothing better that going to the store and shopping in peace. I agree with PP, you are the mommy and sometimes you make unpopular decisions. They will get over it. Don't feel guilty. Anyway, glad to hear you had a nice time!

[twowhat?]

Ok, no judgement or anything, but I am *really* into putting kids in their place. I don't have a better way to phrase that & I know I'm not saying it properly. But I will say something to DH & DD1 will chime in with a question or opinion. Often, I will include her in the conversation or explain the whole story to her. But occasionally I will say "Was I talking to you?" .

This is not harsh at all, and we do the same thing when it comes to being interrupted during conversations, etc. Leaving the house is just harder for me -the last time I left the house, I left DD2 in FULL ON TANTRUM MODE because she wanted to come with me and I told her "not this time". When I got back (and I just couldn't enjoy the outing - might have even b!tched about it here!), DH was beyond grouchy AND he had to clean up a pee "accident" on the floor (DD2 purposefully pees on the floor when she's mad). So, I try to avoid a tantrum wherever possible but you are totally right that one thing leads to another...I just need to suck it up and tell myself that DH CAN deal even if he doesn't want to.

Oh - and I remember now that I took 4 1-hour tennis lessons this year. So I got out on my own then too. I realize now that I totally exaggerated when I say that I only get out a couple times a year - what's more accurate is that DH specifically plans for me to get out a couple of times a year.

Thanks for all the suggestions - I will grit my teeth and plow on through:) And yes - age 3 is AWFUL. JUST AWFUL!!! I thought it couldn't get much worse than 2 (I was already getting frequent 1+ hour tantrums at age 2) - but it DID!


I I can't complain too much though, b/c at least he will watch the kids, even if he can be a grouch about it. Some of my friends, their husbands don't help out at all, so I know it could be worse.

and :yeahthat:


if it makes you feel any better, i often struggle with this too. DH is often pretty patient with the kids, but whenever he gets really stressed out with work (which unfortunately has been often lately) it really gets to me and puts me in a really bad mood. which then sometimes leads to us arguing bc we're both just so stressed out and on each others' nerves. i really really wish i could somehow be zen about it and just ignore it when he's in a bad mood and not let it bring me down. sometimes i tell him it bothers me when he's so grumpy but that often makes him more upset, bc it makes him feel like he doesn't have the right to get upset over anything. ugh, i don't know.

i agree with PP though, you should definitely try to get out sans kids more often, hopefully the more he has the kids alone the more he will get used to it!

Same here. And then I feel because he should be allowed to be grumpy for things that, well, make him grumpy. And I should be allowed to be grumpy over things that bother me! It's just often hard when it takes so much more to bother me than it takes to bother him:)

[Melaine]

Do you ever take just one girl somewhere by herself. We don't do this often but I have found it helpful. I think it's nice to see how the "other half lives" (those who have the luxury of birthing children one at a time) and have one-on-one time with each child. The first few times, there was big protest. The girls did not want to be separated, the one being left melted down, etc. But we made sure that the one at home got to do something special (craft, baking) and the one who went out brought back a little treat (ice cream, or a new coloring book). It's a big relief both to me and DH to have the chance of dealing with just one at a time. And they behave SOOOO well typically.
Hang in there.....it will get better! Three is when I really felt a big turn for the better....you still have time to see that change.

[twowhat?]

Do you ever take just one girl somewhere by herself. We don't do this often but I have found it helpful. I think it's nice to see how the "other half lives" (those who have the luxury of birthing children one at a time) and have one-on-one time with each child. The first few times, there was big protest. The girls did not want to be separated, the one being left melted down, etc. But we made sure that the one at home got to do something special (craft, baking) and the one who went out brought back a little treat (ice cream, or a new coloring book). It's a big relief both to me and DH to have the chance of dealing with just one at a time. And they behave SOOOO well typically.
Hang in there.....it will get better! Three is when I really felt a big turn for the better....you still have time to see that change.

We've kind of struggled with this and I agree we just need to make it over that initial hump of protesting when we say that they're each going to go separate ways. We've actually often separated them because of tantrums. For example a couple weeks ago I was getting them ready to go to Costco and DD2 wanted to bring one too many things in the car. I told her she could pick 3 things and that's it and she had a total meltdown on the floor. So - I told her she wasn't coming unless she could pull herself together by the time I got DD1 in the car. I got DD1 in the car, came back and she was still screaming, so I left her with DH and took DD1 to Costco. Out alone with DD1, it was like I had a different child. She talked SO much more and just really enjoyed it. So yeah, we need to suck it up and do this kind of thing more often.

[maestramommy]

I feel this way every time I have to perform for Sunday service. It means Dh has to wrangle the kids by himself from breakfast onwards for about 2 hours. He always arrives looking like he just gave birth, lol. Yesterday I had to play two services, so instead of me dashing home to pick them up he brought them right to church. Afterwards I asked Dora, "did you give Daddy any trouble? Did you get into a fight? Did you not want to share?" She just kept saying no. when I asked Dh about it later he said they were fine, he just always feels that way after 2 hours alone with them:p

It really makes me feel a little leery about going back to work, because musicians have weird hours, even music teachers.

[maestramommy]

We've kind of struggled with this and I agree we just need to make it over that initial hump of protesting when we say that they're each going to go separate ways. We've actually often separated them because of tantrums. For example a couple weeks ago I was getting them ready to go to Costco and DD2 wanted to bring one too many things in the car. I told her she could pick 3 things and that's it and she had a total meltdown on the floor. So - I told her she wasn't coming unless she could pull herself together by the time I got DD1 in the car. I got DD1 in the car, came back and she was still screaming, so I left her with DH and took DD1 to Costco. Out alone with DD1, it was like I had a different child. She talked SO much more and just really enjoyed it. So yeah, we need to suck it up and do this kind of thing more often.

We just started doing this on Saturday. The idea was that each kid would be alone with on parent for a hour, out of the house. It was GREAT. Although they initially thought it was a little weird and Arwyn wasn't too happy about Dora going somewhere she couldn't follow. We called it special time.