Interest in a marital issues offshoot forum? - update in 1st post

[missym]

We've had a number of threads lately seeking marital advice, and posting such private issues on a public forum can be problematic. How many people would be interested in joining a private, password-protected forum for BBB members only to discuss marital issues?

The registration criteria would be pretty strict... something like 250+ posts and at least 6 months of membership here. I'd set it up (probably as an InvisionFree forum) and then turn it over to a couple of moderators within the group.

Please respond to the poll if you'd be interested in joining the group so I have an idea of the number of people who might participate.

ETA: This offshoot group would not be officially sponsored by the Fields or the BBB. It is something I am offering to start based on the semi-frequent requests/attempts we get from folks to post anonymously about marital issues. It is not meant to censor discussion here at the BBB - people are still more than welcome to discuss marital issues here - though sex talk goes in Healthy You. ;)

ETA#2: Marital & relationship issues forum - see post 40 for details: http://z13.invisionfree.com/bbbsupport/index.php?act=idx

Jo's forum for any issues - anonymous, anyone can join: http://z13.invisionfree.com/Women_Coping/index.php?act=idx

[sunshine873]

If people are interested, then I guess there's a need for it. But can I say, I like having those posts on our BBB forum as well. I don't currently have marital issues, but I for one like to be able to support those that do, and find that I still learn things from those posts to help me in my own life. I'd hate to see them go away.

[JBaxter]

So how do you determine membership to that group. I had marital issues and a divorce and learned a lot over the years we worked on it. I dont see myself joining that group but I would give perspective in the lounge post.

[missym]

If people are interested, then I guess there's a need for it. But can I say, I like having those posts on our BBB forum as well. I don't currently have marital issues, but I for one like to be able to support those that do, and find that I still learn things from those posts to help me in my own life. I'd hate to see them go away.

I doubt it would eliminate those discussions here entirely. But sometimes users aren't comfortable posting on this forum because it is public, and their usernames are recognizable, or known to their spouses/friends.

[lhafer]

I would join if I could use a different screen name. Mine is too public to be able to ask questions/give support/etc freely right now.

[missym]

So how do you determine membership to that group. I had marital issues and a divorce and learned a lot over the years we worked on it. I dont see myself joining that group but I would give perspective in the lounge post.

So you could choose Option 2 - you'd join to give support/advice, or Opion 3, you're not interested.

[fivi2]

I guess my only thought would be that people have been wanting a password protected forum for so long that the discussion would go beyond just marital issues. People would use it to discuss other things that they wanted privacy for. So, while I might not necessarily want to join a relationship issues forum, I probably would just because I think other things would come up!

[hellokitty]

I voted, "not interested," but I am interested. I don't have current marital problems now, but I have learned a lot reading marital posts here, so I don't mind seeing them here. However, I understand why some posters would be uncomfortable posting here.

[JBaxter]

Mothering did that with their single parenting forum. There is a lot less good discussion in the main forum ( as in informative) you have to join the private form for the substantive discussions. ( just saying) And I think fivi2 is right I think it will become more than marital discussion. Just look on the lounge how many threads you move.

[missym]

Mothering did that with their single parenting forum. There is a lot less good discussion in the main forum ( as in informative) you have to join the private form for the substantive discussions. ( just saying) And I think fivi2 is right I think it will become more than marital discussion. Just look on the lounge how many threads you move.

This is not a subforum of the BBB. It is an offshoot. I as a community member (not a mod) am offering to start one. I frankly don't need it, but I see that a need exists. We've had many offshoots started over the years, and so far they have managed not to kill the discussions here.

My intent is for the discussions to be limited to marital issues. I'm sure there will be some drift, and the moderators will have to determine how much to allow. There will be rules against discussing what happens on the BBB there, or vice versa. (We had those rules in place for the Purple Project, and it worked well.)

[Melaine]

My only concern would be, (and I'm trying to say this without it sounding bad) that mostly people with serious struggles would join. And they would be missing out on advice from those whose marriage is very successful and going great (I'm not talking about myself, here, but older people who have been married way longer, etc.). So I'm afraid it might be a bunch of people who are really struggling giving each other advice. But maybe not advice from those who have the best advice, if that makes sense. I don't know that I would join but I do join in discussions when they come up on the main board.

[missym]

My only concern would be, (and I'm trying to say this without it sounding bad) that mostly people with serious struggles would join. And they would be missing out on advice from those whose marriage is very successful and going great (I'm not talking about myself, here, but older people who have been married way longer, etc.). So I'm afraid it might be a bunch of people who are really struggling giving each other advice. But maybe not advice from those who have the best advice, if that makes sense. I don't know that I would join but I do join in discussions when they come up on the main board.

If it appeared that most of the folks interested were Option 1, that would be a real concern for me. So far, the Option 2 folks outnumber the first group 2 to 1. :grouphug:

[Melaine]

If it appeared that most of the folks interested were Option 1, that would be a real concern for me. So far, the Option 2 folks outnumber the first group 2 to 1. :grouphug:

I confess I wrote my comment before seeing the poll!

[artvandalay]

My only concern would be, (and I'm trying to say this without it sounding bad) that mostly people with serious struggles would join. And they would be missing out on advice from those whose marriage is very successful and going great (I'm not talking about myself, here, but older people who have been married way longer, etc.). So I'm afraid it might be a bunch of people who are really struggling giving each other advice. But maybe not advice from those who have the best advice, if that makes sense. I don't know that I would join but I do join in discussions when they come up on the main board.

That's a really good point.

[Smillow]

My only concern would be, (and I'm trying to say this without it sounding bad) that mostly people with serious struggles would join. And they would be missing out on advice from those whose marriage is very successful and going great (I'm not talking about myself, here, but older people who have been married way longer, etc.). So I'm afraid it might be a bunch of people who are really struggling giving each other advice. But maybe not advice from those who have the best advice, if that makes sense. I don't know that I would join but I do join in discussions when they come up on the main board.

I voted option 1 - but we could come here and send out a bat signal if necessary!

[Jo..]

I would be interested in joining to offer support or advice. But I'd be even MORE interested if you made a blanket "serious issues" board that was pw protected and that we could join with a different username. I know several BBB members with problems/issues that aren't marriage related. They might need someone to talk to without airing their dirty laundry publicly. Maybe they are shopping addicts or take too many sleeping pills or whatever. It would be nice to have a safe place to offer and receive support for various big problems without feeling judged.

[JBaxter]

I would be interested in joining to offer support or advice. But I'd be even MORE interested if you made a blanket "serious issues" board that was pw protected and that we could join with a different username. I know several BBB members with problems/issues that aren't marriage related. They might need someone to talk to without airing their dirty laundry publicly. Maybe they are shopping addicts or take too many sleeping pills or whatever. It would be nice to have a safe place to offer and receive support for various big problems without feeling judged.

Jo has a point. So many serious issues are interconnected and are influences on marital issues ( addiction, depression,gambling, infidelity etc) It would be hard not to talk about root causes in a forum. I would be very much for a forum like that under a separate user name.

[missym]

I would be interested in joining to offer support or advice. But I'd be even MORE interested if you made a blanket "serious issues" board that was pw protected and that we could join with a different username. I know several BBB members with problems/issues that aren't marriage related. They might need someone to talk to without airing their dirty laundry publicly. Maybe they are shopping addicts or take too many sleeping pills or whatever. It would be nice to have a safe place to offer and receive support for various big problems without feeling judged.

Hmmm. My thinking was that a forum with a more limited scope would be more practical to keep focused. I don't want to set up a mini-BBB where people start posting all their threads over there instead of here. I would want it to stay focused on support for issues for which people really need anonymity. Do you think that's possible if it has a broader focus?

ETA: I think it would be a requirement that folks would have to join under their actual username. I understand if they decide not to, but I think if you're going to develop a level of trust in a forum like that, you have to know who everyone is.

[Raidra]

I love the idea of a private marriage/relationship related board. I think could be a good idea to post positive topics about marriage, too. I remember a long time ago there were a few threads with 'homework' assignments to be more romantic, too. I know with everything that's been going on in my marriage, I've been reading books like "Light His Fire" and the Love Languages book.. there could be something like a book club for people to work through a book together.

Making it more of a 'serious, private issues' board would work, too. I know there are other things in the past that I've wanted advice about but didn't want to post here just in case.

[Jo..]

I would not post any of my serious issues if I was required to keep my current user name. I would still go there to offer help and support on anything that is currently going well.

But to truly have a no holds barred/bare your soul board, you can't keep the user name requirement. What you could do is set rules like you must have been a BBB member for one year and have 500 posts.

Then I would join and say "My name is Penelope (not my real name). I have been a BBB member for over 5 years and have more than 5000 posts. Most of you know me. This is my issue....".

[anamika]

I would not post any of my serious issues if I was required to keep my current user name. I would still go there to offer help and support on anything that is currently going well.

But to truly have a no holds barred/bare your soul board, you can't keep the user name requirement. What you could do is set rules like you must have been a BBB member for one year and have 500 posts.

Then I would join and say "My name is Penelope (not my real name). I have been a BBB member for over 5 years and have more than 5000 posts. Most of you know me. This is my issue....".


:yeahthat: I cannot imagine posting anything remotely serious here and at the same time participating in Corie's sex polls :ROTFLMAO:Just kidding!

But seriously, I think some level of anonymity is required otherwise it is just BBB with a password.

[Globetrotter]

But to truly have a no holds barred/bare your soul board, you can't keep the user name requirement. What you could do is set rules like you must have been a BBB member for one year and have 500 posts.


:yeahthat:
Ultimately, anyone can join a private board once they get X number of posts, so you would have no control over that.

Great idea, though, and thanks for initiating this, OP :)

[Uno-Mom]

My only concern would be, (and I'm trying to say this without it sounding bad) that mostly people with serious struggles would join. And they would be missing out on advice from those whose marriage is very successful and going great (I'm not talking about myself, here, but older people who have been married way longer, etc.). So I'm afraid it might be a bunch of people who are really struggling giving each other advice. But maybe not advice from those who have the best advice, if that makes sense. I don't know that I would join but I do join in discussions when they come up on the main board.

:yeahthat: I thought exactly that. My honest opinion is that it would be pretty dismal. And, even though it's not sponsored by Windsorpeak, it would be drawing off of this board. I think it would end up drawing off some of the more in-depth discussions that do have a place here. Once people felt comfortable on the private board, they would be more likely to post there about their parenting challenges as well.

But that's just me. :) I think moderating such a board would be a nightmare! It is a sensitive thought, though, and I'm sure many other people see it differently than I do. If you do set it up, I hope it turns out to be a place of comfort and good advice for people who need it!

[buddyleebaby]

I would not post any of my serious issues if I was required to keep my current user name. I would still go there to offer help and support on anything that is currently going well.

But to truly have a no holds barred/bare your soul board, you can't keep the user name requirement. What you could do is set rules like you must have been a BBB member for one year and have 500 posts.

Then I would join and say "My name is Penelope (not my real name). I have been a BBB member for over 5 years and have more than 5000 posts. Most of you know me. This is my issue....".

I see your point, but I think this is asking for trolls. People get really invested in online communities, and I would really hate for well-meaning people to get sucked into someone else's game, you know?

I understand people not posting on a public board because of privacy concerns. There are several message boards dedicated to marriage troubles, addictions, etc., where people could go and use a new non-traceable name if they so desired. Or they could pm members they trust. If they want advice from the BBB community at large, which it sounds like this offshoot would be open to, we are a public message board.

(*If* this idea stems from some BBBers giving less than gentle advice at times, I think it is the nature of the beast, and will happen on an offshoot board as well. Everyone offers support in their own way. Different opinions, views, and personalities are what make a message board worthwhile.)

[larig]

Another community of which I am a member has an "Anon for Now" way to post a thread. The identity of the user who posts the thread is obscured so that they can ask and get feedback without coming out publicly for the advice. This is a board that is for people finishing their PhDs so it is sensitive stuff about advisors or research or potential jobs. HEre is the board's policy

What is anonymous posting and how do I post anonymously?
Members will automatically be granted anonymous posting privileges after 100 posts or 90 days of membership, whichever comes first. The webmaster may also grant anonymous posting privileges to others upon request. After you have received anonymous posting privileges, you will then be able to check the "Post anonymously" box in the posting form and the submitted post will be attributed to an anonymous username rather than your own. Other regular users will not know your identity. For additional privacy when preparing to post anonymously, to prevent your username from appearing in the "Who's Online" list, please use the "Invisible Mode" setting under "Edit Options" in your User Control Panel.

The anonymous posting option should be used sparingly. Please use it only when you have a matter of a highly personal or sensitive nature to discuss, or when you need to protect the privacy of colleagues, students, friends, or family members. It should never be used as cover to criticize or attack other users, as a means to evade social responsibility for one's comments, or as a way to avoid minor embarrassment on the boards. Anonymous posts may not contain attachments, and they cannot be edited after posting without revealing the username of the author. If you want to maintain your anonymity, do not attempt to edit an anonymous post.

The webmaster reserves the right to suspend or revoke the ability to post anonymously of any member who abuses the anonymous posting privilege. For more information, please see our acceptable use policy and privacy statement.

ETA: I assume that is a feature of the board's software and that capability may or may not built in to this one.
ETA2: I just checked--it is also a vBulletin software board. I assume that is a feature that can be turned on and off.

[artvandalay]

Another community of which I am a member has an "Anon for Now" way to post a thread. The identity of the user who posts the thread is obscured so that they can ask and get feedback without coming out publicly for the advice. This is a board that is for people finishing their PhDs so it is sensitive stuff about advisors or research or potential jobs. HEre is the board's policy


ETA: I assume that is a feature of the board's software and that capability may or may not built in to this one.
ETA2: I just checked--it is also a vBulletin software board. I assume that is a feature that can be turned on and off.

I think that is an excellent suggestion. I"m sure many people here would like this option for highly personal posts. It would also not limit people posting about private marital issues, but allow other personal or embarrassing issues as well.

[missym]

I think that is an excellent suggestion. I"m sure many people here would like this option for highly personal posts. It would also not limit people posting about private marital issues, but allow other personal or embarrassing issues as well.

This is not a feature of our current version of vbulletin. I think it would have a high potential for abuse. Sorry, JMO.

[artvandalay]

This is not a feature of our current version of vbulletin. I think it would have a high potential for abuse. Sorry, JMO.

Hmm.. you're right, I agree it could be abused. I didn't think about that. Too bad because it really does sound like a good option

[elliput]

My personal opinion on this is that the BBB is not the only community on the web which is capable of handing out great information. There are other communities which have martial problems forums, addiction forums, etc and I think that if someone here wants to be able to get good advice and remain anonymous, they need to do it somewhere else. While I love this community and all it has to offer, it can not be the end all, be all.

:hug:

[weech]

I would not post any of my serious issues if I was required to keep my current user name. I would still go there to offer help and support on anything that is currently going well.

But to truly have a no holds barred/bare your soul board, you can't keep the user name requirement. What you could do is set rules like you must have been a BBB member for one year and have 500 posts.

Then I would join and say "My name is Penelope (not my real name). I have been a BBB member for over 5 years and have more than 5000 posts. Most of you know me. This is my issue....".

:yeahthat: I would also not post my issues if they were directly connected to my username. I think you should have to submit your BBB username to the mods (which would be kept private) and then you can create a different one to use. Then we would all know that each of us is a trusted BBB member without knowing exactly "who" everyone is... JMHO!

[Raidra]

My personal opinion on this is that the BBB is not the only community on the web which is capable of handing out great information. There are other communities which have martial problems forums, addiction forums, etc and I think that if someone here wants to be able to get good advice and remain anonymous, they need to do it somewhere else. While I love this community and all it has to offer, it can not be the end all, be all.

:hug:

Just to share my experience.. I've been searching for an online community like the BBB that focuses on relationships and marriage, and I've been nothing but disappointed. I think we have an incredible group of smart, caring, thoughtful people here, and I haven't been able to find that anywhere else. While I may not agree with everyone here, I trust that pretty much everyone has good intentions. I think that's what the draw of a BBB-offshoot community would be for me.

[gatorsmom]

I would not post any of my serious issues if I was required to keep my current user name. I would still go there to offer help and support on anything that is currently going well.

But to truly have a no holds barred/bare your soul board, you can't keep the user name requirement. What you could do is set rules like you must have been a BBB member for one year and have 500 posts.

Then I would join and say "My name is Penelope (not my real name). I have been a BBB member for over 5 years and have more than 5000 posts. Most of you know me. This is my issue....".
:yeahthat: I agree with this. And I think that requiring members to have a certain number of posts would help fight trolls. The BBB members have always done a good job of getting rid of any really offensive, annoying trolls. Besides, I would hope that any who join would remember that this was a special site set up for people who are really suffering and so watch their comments.

I think it's a great idea.

[larig]

This is not a feature of our current version of vbulletin. I think it would have a high potential for abuse. Sorry, JMO.

Hm, I guess it's a feature they did away with. That board is using an older version (3.6.4), but says it is patched. Perhaps it is the patch. I wasn't advocating one way or another, just throwing it out there as a possibility. It works well on the other board, and the policies are such that if you abuse it you are banned. Simple enough. It can only be used to start a thread, not comment.

[maestramommy]

Jmho, but I think if it's so important to remain anonymous it would be better to seek out another board, maybe one that deals with specific issues. Like what Elliput said. I would feel a little weird going on to a board where I know that I know everyone, but because of the usernames I don't know who they are.

[Jo..]

Jmho, but I think if it's so important to remain anonymous it would be better to seek out another board, maybe one that deals with specific issues. Like what Elliput said. I would feel a little weird going on to a board where I know that I know everyone, but because of the usernames I don't know who they are.


Do you have a personal interest in / or plans of joining any of these o/s boards or are you just weighing in for the heck of it? Because I think that anyone with a serious issue or problem they need to talk about with friends they they have known for years might feel differently.

If Missy doesn't want to start an anonymous board for whatever reason, I will.

I think there is a need and a call.

[maestramommy]

Do you have a personal interest in / or plans of joining any of these o/s boards or are you just weighing in for the heck of it? Because I think that anyone with a serious issue or problem they need to talk about with friends they they have known for years might feel differently.

If Missy doesn't want to start an anonymous board for whatever reason, I will.

I think there is a need and a call.

I voted I would join to offer support/advice, because I don't have any marital issues. If I did have serious issues I wouldn't share on a public forum, or on a private forum where I didn't know who the members are.

[Jo..]

Okay, but since you don't have an issue that you need to talk about, your comment offends me.

I don't get how you can be all "well IF I had an ISSUE I wouldn't do this and I wouldn't do that".

You don't have a problem. Got it. Your vote on whether there is a need for a private anonymous offshoot board really doesn't count. Thank you for making those who do have a problem that we need to talk about privately feel like crap.

[maestramommy]

Okay, but since you don't have an issue that you need to talk about, your comment offends me.

I don't get how you can be all "well IF I had an ISSUE I wouldn't do this and I wouldn't do that".

You don't have a problem. Got it. Your vote on whether there is a need for a private anonymous offshoot board really doesn't count. Thank you for making those who do have a problem that we need to talk about privately feel like crap.

I really don't understand why you are offended. The poll listed 3 choices, so that includes people who don't have issues but who are also interested in joining. And the poll is talking about a board that is NOT anonymous. Or am I totally misunderstand that?

[Jo..]

Yes, that is true. I brought up another option that addressed a need for ALL BBB users with issues and would be private,and if needed,anonymous. You responded to that. I don't get why you would weigh in on something when you don't have any issues. There are thousands of members here, and some of us do. If you don't understand private issues you don't have to join, but I totally don't get the judgemental post.

[missym]

I'm sorry this has caused hurt feelings. That was never my intention.

I have started a forum for marital/relationship issues for BBB members with 250+ posts and 6 months+ of membership. Any who meet that criteria and are willing to abide by the forum's rules and TOS are welcome to join. Those rules include posting under your BBB username, or at least using it in your signature line if you'd rather have another username.

This in no way precludes another forum from being created; it is just what I am comfortable being responsible for getting up & running. I hope the discussions here and elsewhere continue to provide support and good advice to those who need it. :grouphug:

http://z13.invisionfree.com/bbbsupport/index.php

[maestramommy]

Yes, that is true. I brought up another option that addressed a need for ALL BBB users with issues and would be private,and if needed,anonymous. You responded to that. I don't get why you would weigh in on something when you don't have any issues. There are thousands of members here, and some of us do. If you don't understand private issues you don't have to join, but I totally don't get the judgemental post.

Okay, you are totally misunderstanding. And maybe I was too. I was responding to your post because I thought you were wanting to change Missy's original idea to a different kind of forum. So I was weighing in on her original idea. I also don't understand why you think I am judging you and others for wanting to keep it totally private. All I said was "I would feel weird about etc, etc." and that's just me. Which is why I said jmho.

[Fairy]

If its not bbb-sponsored then I have no opinion, but as an aside I do not think new IDs are a good idea in the offshoot or if it were ere. Knowing who u r talking to is important, and 6 months of membership is eay way too little. A year at least, maybe 2. I'm way more conservative in my trust issues on this.

Eta for terrible typos via phone

[Jo..]

and here is the o/s forum where you can discuss ANYTHING without revealing your name.

http://z13.invisionfree.com/Women_Coping/index.php?act=idx

[3isEnough]

I voted in the poll previously but didn't add comments. FWIW, I totally agree with the concept of anonymity on the offshoot board. I trust the wisdom and input of the women here so would rather raise sensitive topics with the BBB women vs a random board, but the type of questions I would post on the offshoot board would be the type where I definitely would not want my username attached to them.

Jo, can I suggest starting a separate thread with info about the anonymous board, or at least adding it to your signature so people see it?

Thanks to Missy for starting this thread and Jo for starting the offshoot anonymous board.

[missym]

I voted in the poll previously but didn't add comments. FWIW, I totally agree with the concept of anonymity on the offshoot board. I trust the wisdom and input of the women here so would rather raise sensitive topics with the BBB women vs a random board, but the type of questions I would post on the offshoot board would be the type where I definitely would not want my username attached to them.

Jo, can I suggest starting a separate thread with info about the anonymous board, or at least adding it to your signature so people see it?

Thanks to Missy for starting this thread and Jo for starting the offshoot anonymous board.

I'm adding the info to the first post of this thread - hopefully that's ok with Jo. :)