Male neighbor was grabbing on me very inapproiately, WWYD?

[SammyeGail]

I know I haven't been here in awhile, its not that I don't love this place, I can't find the time! Also my laptop messed up, got a new one and need to install a bookmark ;).

So the situation: We live in townhouses that face each other across a shared courtyard. If you raise you voice enough, you can talk to each other on the balconies close to you. This guy is married, has been a great neighbor, his wife is wonderful. Tue., mid-day I noticed the new property manager (landlord own's 3 in here) was over there, they were looking at some wood trim starting to rot. Yesterday he saw me outside and we chatted about what they were going to fix on his house, he was very adamant about alot of mold inside, that I should check the spots to watch for our own townhouse. We saw each other again yesterday evening. His wife is always home at this time. He talked again about how they are going to tear out the walls, etc because of the mold, they would probably be moving. He asked again if I wanted to see the spots since all the town houses have the same floorplan. I asked if his wife was home, he said "just come on over!" like she was there. I assumed she was.

We've been here since May, I've gotten to know several of the renters in here. DH and I felt they were the best, his wife and I have gone out and cleaned up the courtyard together. her husband used to be a policeman, now supervised night stocking at a retail store.

Sorry to go on and on, its just that I didn't go into a complete strangers home, things are very *different* here from other places I've lived, I've been learning to be very cautious.

We were outside so I went to their lower level door. He's very nice, points out to me marks on the wall of the 1st staircase. They were just scuffs on the paint, not mold. He said it was very bad on the main living area. I did see 2 small water spots on the ceiling, but didn't see his wife. These are set up like vacation town-homes so there is a small bedroom on the 2nd main living floor. He shows me in there, I didn't see any water spots. I was ready to leave, get out of there when he came up behind me and rubbed my lower hips. I stepped away and tried to laugh it off said something like 'ok, thats NO place to go!' He apologized profusely, said he was just a touchy guy. Its spinning in my mind how to get out of there without making him mad, I didn't want to be attacked! This was all in a matter of maybe 3 minutes, in and out of there. He tried to rub my shoulder and rear as I was trying to get the frack outta there! I get downstairs to the exterior door, He's still apologizing, I say that I really need to get back to my house to check on my twins. We're at the landing of the bottom staircase, I have my hand on the doorknob, he slides behind me, grabs my breast and said "These are twins!!" I have never, ever had anything like this happen to me, O.M.G. That door flew open and I was halfway across the courtyard in less than a second!

I'm still in complete shock as I walked in our door, DH was right there getting trash bags together to take to the garage. I blurt out to him that guy is a creep, that he tried to touch me. DH got MAD. 'what did he do!?! what did he touch!?!'. For DH's benefit and to keep him from going over there, I said neighbor got too touchy, way too touchy for a neighbor. I didn't say anything about the breast grab or that the other touches were very strong, I just wanted to get calmed down myself, kwim? I told DH he said they were moving soon, (thats what I kept telling myself too), DH, believe me, I will not even go out of the balcony if I see him anywhere outside.

I can try to shake this off, I want to forget the entire episode, but this guy is my immediate neighbor. Yes, and as I told DH, I felt like an idiot for being a grown woman and being so darn naive. I am alot more cautious since moving here, but this is insane. WTH! Trust. No. One. Jeez.

DH said I should report it to the police, the extent that it actually went I easily could. I don't want that drama. Can't talk to the HOA Pre., he's not the property manager. I have talked to his landlord once via phone, some of his other renters in here are a bit crazy.

I don't want to go to the police, I don't expect anything to really get accomplished, kwim? Yet I am very concerned that I am home most of the day, only one in here who is, he is too, after he gets off work.

IDK if I should try to blow this off and hope they move very soon, or let his landlord know. I don't know if I would be going over-board by calling his landlord, but this whole thing is all kinds of wrong!

Thanks for reading all this and any good advice, I need it!

[BabyMine]

My first reaction would have been to smack/punch him. What an a$$. I am so sorry this happened.

[infomama]

Let's see. I would have grabbed that guy by the shoulders and gave him a hard knee to the groin. As he was writing in pain on the ground I would have told him to never even look in my direction again.

Be careful.

[Kymberley]

I don't even know what to say, except how horrible! I probably would have punched him and then ran and told DH, who would have broken they guy's face. Probably not the right thing to do as he could then call the police himself and claim assault. So, with that thinking, I would tell DH everything that happened and then call the police. I understand not wanting the drama, but this guy has brought it to you. Will you be comfortable in your own home now? Alone? With this guy next door? I wouldn't be, and I wouldn't want to live with that discomfort.

[kijip]

I would have smacked him.

I would absolutely call the police and file a report. He does not sound safe. People need to know that he does this stuff. I also bet that he would move out faster if you did.

[Canna]

That is really awful! It sounds very scary and upsetting. I don't know what I would do either. I can imagine wanting to forget all about it. But it is really troubling. I hope they really do move soon. I'm really sorry I don't have better advice!

[BabyMine]

I would have smacked him.

I would absolutely call the police and file a report. He does not sound safe. People need to know that he does this stuff. I also bet that he would move out faster if you did.

:yeahthat: As hard as it is to call I would do it. He didn't seem nervous or hesitant doing it so he already doesn't feel uncomfortable crossing boundaries. What's next?

[urquie]

I would be most tempted to call the police. Your neighbor needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that what he did was unacceptable. He didn't respond rationally to your *rejections*... He may further escalate the situation.

[urquie]

I also bet that he would move out faster if you did.

:yeahthat:

[brittone2]

Yep, I'd file charges.

[ast96]

To me, that's dangerous behavior. I would call the police and his property manager and let him KNOW you have called the police.

[TwoBees]

I wouldn't even hesitate. Call the police.

[crl]

I would call the police.

Catherine

[ahisma]

I would call the police. I would also file a restraining order.

[sste]

I am so sorry to hear this. While I would like to say I would have hit or kicked or yelled at him . . . in your shoes I know I would have been frozen with terror and disgust. You did a GREAT job getting yourself out of there before things got even worse.

On the police/restraining order, I believe one less formal route is the "temporary restraining order" which you can apply for administratively.

You might trying calling a sexual assault or domestic violence organization to see if they have suggestions for next steps to take to make sure this doesn't happen again. I am scared to advise you. I don't have a sense of how unhinged this person is and I worry with you being alone with your boys much of the day right next door . . .

[wellyes]

That is assault.

[ett]

I would call the police.

[Globetrotter]

I think you should file charges, because he clearly has a problem. I'm nervous about what he will do next and also what he has already done to others :(

[chozen]

I would be most tempted to call the police. Your neighbor needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that what he did was unacceptable. He didn't respond rationally to your *rejections*... He may further escalate the situation.

:yeahthat: i really think you should call the police so that it is on record. can you check to see if he has a criminal record?

[JoyNChrist]

Call the police. Call them now.

I don't mean to alarm you, but my mother is a detective, and I can't tell you the number of times she's told me about assault and rape cases in which neighbors and family later report that the perpetrator was "touchy" or "inappropriate" or disrespectful of boundaries.

You owe it to yourself and your neighbors to file a report.

[Melaine]

I am so sorry to hear this. While I would like to say I would have hit or kicked or yelled at him . . . in your shoes I know I would have been frozen with terror and disgust. You did a GREAT job getting yourself out of there before things got even worse.


:yeahthat: Before I ever experienced assault, I assumed I would respond with violence. But when you are scared and shocked, unfortunately you sometimes can't respond the way you want to. Even though I was a green belt in karate, I was pretty passive when faced with a similar situation.

ETA: Others have given good advice. I am sorry you have had to deal with this!

[momm]

I am sorry. What a nasty experience.

As easy as it is to say that I would've smacked him, I cant't imagine having the presence of mind to do it. Very very smart of yu to rush out immediately.

I would call the police, too, just to prevent anything from happening further. And make sure his wife knows it too.

Sorry this happened to you. Hugs

[TwinFoxes]

I would have smacked him.

I would absolutely call the police and file a report. He does not sound safe. People need to know that he does this stuff. I also bet that he would move out faster if you did.

:yeahthat:

He's counting on the fact that you aren't the type to make waves by either clobbering him, or turning him in. I'd call the police, and give them a very factual statement of what happened. Hopefully they would follow up. I'm sure you're not the first person he's done this to. Creep.

[mmommy]

1. Please, please stop placing any blame on yourself. This was not at all your fault. It is important for you to realize that. You being "naive" did not cause this guy to be a creep. His disgusting behavior is his fault.

2. Please call the police and file assault charges. I would be SHOCKED to hear that he's never done this before - his behavior was so brash. It isn't easy, but think of the women in his future you might be protecting.

So sorry this happened to you :hug:

[jse107]

I would have smacked him.

I would absolutely call the police and file a report. He does not sound safe. People need to know that he does this stuff. I also bet that he would move out faster if you did.

Absolutely agree. File a police report, if nothing else it is a record.

[pastrygirl]

Yes, please call the police!!

[MMMommy]

I would call the police. When I read your post, OP, my mouth dropped open. This guy was beyond out of line. It makes me wonder what he could be capable of doing. I would worry that his actions may turn (or already are) predatory and violent.

[momm]

1. Please, please stop placing any blame on yourself. This was not at all your fault. It is important for you to realize that. You being "naive" did not cause this guy to be a creep. His disgusting behavior is his fault.

:
:yeahthat: x 100,000

[SnuggleBuggles]

The fact that he used to be on the police department and know does night security makes me wonder if this is an isolated incident. I would have done what you did though I probably would have told dh the whole story (and I think you should b/c he might not get why you are as upset without all the details). File a reort.

Beth

[Ladybug47]

Definitely call the police and at least get it on file. It will make you feel empowered, too, like you did something about it and didn't let him "win" by getting free grabs!

[oneplustwo]

Your post sent shivers up my spine. I agree, you need to contact the police and file a report. There needs to be a record of his assault ~ and yes, this was assault. It unnerves me that he worked so hard to get you into his house, and I wonder what he is capable of doing to you or to someone else. I also like the suggestion to contact a sexual assault organization if there's one around you to see what suggestions they have for you.

Also ~ by filing a police report, your DH might be less likely to want to take things into his own hands.

[maestramommy]

I would have smacked him.

I would absolutely call the police and file a report. He does not sound safe. People need to know that he does this stuff. I also bet that he would move out faster if you did.

:yeahthat: I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure what he did would be considered assault, or something else equally illegal. He sounds dangerous.

[gatorsmom]

:yeahthat: i really think you should call the police so that it is on record. can you check to see if he has a criminal record?
:yeahthat: a big yeah that. Filing a report will help build a case against him if he attempts something like this or worse again.

[mariza]

yeah, I agree with everyone else. Why is he not a police officer anymore? Could it be he was let go for a behavior problem? I would at least google his name and get some more info, but please seriously consider talking to the police. I worry that he could get angry for rejecting his advances. :hug:

[hellokitty]

Yikes, it gave me the creeps reading your post. File a report. You need documentation, so if something happens again (hopefully not), you have a paper trail. Or if he does something to someone ELSE, there is already a paper trail. I would also tell the landlord what happened.

I would not have hit, kicked, or slapped him, b/c in all honesty, I would be scared that someone like that would have become more aggressive or violent in that kind of situation and it would have escalated the situation. So, I think it was smart of you to quickly remove yourself from the situation, w/o physical confrontation on your part. And please do not feel like YOU are causing drama by going to the police. Your NEIGHBOR is the one causing drama, he is the one who is being completely inappropriate. As far as I'm concerned, it's not only your right to report him, but it's also for the safety of others, if he tried this on you, he would try it on other women too. As for your husband, I don't blame you for not telling him all of the details. My husband would have got a little bit crazy if I told him something like that happened.

[DrSally]

That is really scary. I'm sorry you had to go through that and am glad you're ok. I would totally file a report w/ the police and think about a restraining order. If nothing else, you'll have the report on file in case you want to file a restraining order in the future.

[Seitvonzu]

i agree with everyone else-- call the police. that is DISGUSTING. i think running in to look at damage is appropriate...those things can be common issues, and you did have a reasonable relationship with this family/ the wife. that he did those things is very worrisome and even if they are moving, you need to feel safe in your home. gross. i'm sick for you. i cannot imagine that *hug*

[Seitvonzu]

i also think you were right to do nothing in the situation except get away as fast as possible :( i really hope this resolves for you soon *hug* my husband would have flipped too; i probably would have kept some info to myself then too :(

[crayonblue]

File charges. I understand not wanting to stir up more trouble (we had an insane neighbor once) but do it anyway. You might be saving some little girl someday who ends up in his house. :(

[fortato]

Swift kick to the nuts, shout "NO" in his face and call the police.

What a jerk.

[kijip]

Y

I would not have hit, kicked, or slapped him, b/c in all honesty, I would be scared that someone like that would have become more aggressive or violent in that kind of situation and it would have escalated the situation. So, I think it was smart of you to quickly remove yourself from the situation, w/o physical confrontation on your part.
:yeahthat:

I totally agree that is was SUPER smart to move towards the door. The fact that I instinctively clobber people in that sort of situation (or even less threatening ones) does not mean I think it is the best thing to do.

[chozen]

i wonder where his wife was? im sure she has no idea that he did this, and she has the right to know. if you file a police report she will hopefully find out about this but then again maybe this is not the first time he has done this sort of thing. in our county criminal records can be looked up at the court house.

[essnce629]

Wow that's scary! I would file a report too. I'm sure he's done it before, probably even while working on the police force.

[SammyeGail]

A huge thank you to everyone. I tried replying earlier but had to run around the house like a chicken with it's head cut off.

I have followed thru with all the advice given, filed a report with no assault charges 'at this time'. We had open house at DS's new school, leaving there now; as we left home to go to school we saw a maintenance man at creeps house, doorknob & dead old were being replaced. I saw creep on his porch maybe an hour earlier. I really, really wonder why the locks were being changed.

I had called property mNager before lunch, she documented it,( I've met her in person several times) I said I didn't want the owner notified because if he is creep will be notified. She said I should call them or police, she was so great. She said it's not right for me to still have to live right next to him after that, I need to do what I need to do to feel comfortable in my own home, especially since most ppl are gone during the day. (jeez, can I get a freaking job!!)

Seeing the door locks being changed made me wonder if property manager did more.

I need 10 cans of mace, 2 duc-taped to each wrist :D

In car, will update more

[infomama]

Good job Samantha...so proud of you!

[hillview]

So glad you got out ok. That is very scary and I have to say I would have gone in no issue. You should be safe doing that and I am a cautious person. YOU are NOT the wrong person here.

Good luck!

[veronica]

I can't imagine how scary this situation is. I'm only reading it and have chills. He is obviously very unstable. do you have an alarm system? I'd be setting it during the day while you are home. if you do have a system, practice the "fake" code that alerts the company of an intruder.

[katydid1971]

I read you post this morning and I didn't reply because you got such great advice. I just want to say how amazed and impressed I am with how strong you are and how well you are handling this. I don't think I would have done as well in your shoes. I hope this can be handles in a way that is best for you and your family. Good luck and hugs.

[Globetrotter]

Kudos to you for following up on this. Please stay safe, and I hope the Creep is gone soon :(

[MamaMolly]

Even my DH said for you to call the cops! ;) Good job, mama. They may not be moving due to mold but really due to complaints.

[TwoBees]

OP, just read your update. So glad that you followed up and called the police. Creeps like this count on people being too scared to do anything, that's how they keep getting away with things. Stay safe!

[Melanie]

Wow. If you don't want to call the police, I'd have your DH go over and very sternly tell him that if he comes within 6 feet of you again, calling the police would be the best outcome he will get. ETA: Saw your update, I think you did the right thing. I also think you'd be wise to carry that small bit of pepper spray anytime you leave your house for a while.