Help me feel less #!&*% about no present party

[YouAreTheFocus]

My son's bday is coming up next month. He's the new kid at a preschool where it is customary to invite the whole class. There has been one party so far, and "no presents" was noted on the invite. I felt like I had to follow suit and did the same.

Problem is, I don't really believe in no present parties. And I am just starting to feel rather grumpy and resentful about it. There is a lot you do for your guests, and it just seems weird to tell them it's fine to show up empty-handed.

Make me a nicer person! I need an attitude adjustment.

[niccig]

Do what you want. I've gone to parties of same kids in the class. One will be no presents, and the other is presents.

Just because someone did it, doesn't mean you have to.

[waitingforgrace]

Just don't put anything on the invite. You don't have to say no presents especially if you want or expect presents for your son.

I'm not sure it's justified though to say you want presents because of all you do for your guests. Everything you do is a choice you're making and your guests have no control over it. Throw the party because you and your family want to, not because you expect something in return from your guests.

ETA: I was really just trying to say do whatever you want, don't feel obligated to have a no gift party just because someone else did.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Why'd you do it?? :tongue5: If you didn't do it, don't do it. You might not be the only anti-no-gift party person at your school but, as you know, peer pressure can be strong. It's early in the year and you can counter balance the previous no gift party!

Beth

[Melaine]

Take a stand against no-gift parties! If you don't believe in them, don't throw one!

[YouAreTheFocus]

Ok, now I *really* feel like a jerk.

It's already done. Just wanted to b*tch about it. Moving on.

ETA: Thanks Melaine & Snug...it was totally the peer pressure & wanting to fit in. Does this ever end?!

[nfowife]

We just went to a no-gift party this weekend. I will do it if the card says to, but I like to bring a gift! My kids love birthday parties and giving gifts. And getting them too, on their birthdays. If we get doubles or unwanted gifts we can't return, we donate them. No big deal.

I would remove it from your invites if it isn't too late.

[MMMommy]

Take a stand against no-gift parties! If you don't believe in them, don't throw one!

:yeahthat: I don't think there is anything wrong with throwing a traditional, gifting birthay party. No gift parties are rare for the kids in our school. Most are gifting parties. I wouldn't sweat it, and I would just throw the kind of party you want to throw.

[JBaxter]

I'm totally against no gift parties. What FUN is a birthday with out gifts?

[elbenn]

I think you want to feel better about having a no gift party, so have you read the book Simplicity Parenting? This book really talks about how having a few treasured toys is much better than having a bunch of toys. So you are just going to have less clutter after the party!

[KrisM]

I'm sorry you're regretting it! I get the feeling of wanting to fit in though. I can't think of a way to undo it though.

[hbridge]

I'm so sorry that you felt pressure and are now regretting it. The party will be great regardless so try to enjoy anyway.

Okay, so you wanted the bright side, right?

- No Thank you notes

- No added clutter or gifts you have to figure out how to take away from the kids

- Less trash due to no wrapping paper to toss out (okay, I'm reaching, but you wanted the positives :) )

- Don't need a place to put gifts during the party

- No pressure or question of whether to open gifts at the party or not

Personally I've never done a no gift party, I don't think they are very popular around here. They are an interesting idea though...

[justlearning]

Adding to the positives...

--Maybe now with two no-gift parties, everyone else will do the same so you won't have to worry about buying 15+ birthday gifts for your son's classmates. :)

[crl]

I'm so sorry that you felt pressure and are now regretting it. The party will be great regardless so try to enjoy anyway.

Okay, so you wanted the bright side, right?

- No Thank you notes

- No added clutter or gifts you have to figure out how to take away from the kids

- Less trash due to no wrapping paper to toss out (okay, I'm reaching, but you wanted the positives :) )

- Don't need a place to put gifts during the party

- No pressure or question of whether to open gifts at the party or not

Personally I've never done a no gift party, I don't think they are very popular around here. They are an interesting idea though...


Adding to the positives...

--Maybe now with two no-gift parties, everyone else will do the same so you won't have to worry about buying 15+ birthday gifts for your son's classmates. :)

:yeahthat: We have done no gift parties and the kids still have a lot of fun. :)

Catherine

[YouAreTheFocus]

I'm so sorry that you felt pressure and are now regretting it. The party will be great regardless so try to enjoy anyway.

Okay, so you wanted the bright side, right?

- No Thank you notes

- No added clutter or gifts you have to figure out how to take away from the kids

- Less trash due to no wrapping paper to toss out (okay, I'm reaching, but you wanted the positives :) )

- Don't need a place to put gifts during the party

- No pressure or question of whether to open gifts at the party or not

Personally I've never done a no gift party, I don't think they are very popular around here. They are an interesting idea though...


Adding to the positives...

--Maybe now with two no-gift parties, everyone else will do the same so you won't have to worry about buying 15+ birthday gifts for your son's classmates. :)

You guys are awesome! Great list of positives! :cheerleader1:

My favorites are...No thank you notes (LOATHE writing them) & Don't have to buy 15+ gifts for classmates. Look how much time I just saved myself!

[BabyH]

I'm totally against no gift parties. What FUN is a birthday with out gifts?

+1

Even if I get the "no gifts" invite, I can't help myself. The person being celebrated always gets something. However, I DO try and make it something unique... thoughtful...

[Melaine]

I think you want to feel better about having a no gift party, so have you read the book Simplicity Parenting? This book really talks about how having a few treasured toys is much better than having a bunch of toys. So you are just going to have less clutter after the party!

:thumbsup:That is a great book and I do really agree with the principles it teaches. Sometimes I feel weird responding to the no-gift threads, because while I am emphatically pro-gift I also come from a different perspective. My kids get very few and modest gifts from my parents and don't get birthday gifts at all from my inlaws. They get nothing from aunts and uncles. So they get gifts from us and whatever friends may gift them. Our birthday parties have never involved more than 20 people, usually 4-5 families. So the gifts are limited, for sure. I don't understand the big birthday party thing, so that might change my perspective on gifts. We will probably always have small family parties, and so I don't feel guilty doing traditional, no-mention-of-gifts invites.

[Melanie]

I would just not say anything either way and let people do what they want.

[Globetrotter]

It will be nice to not have a bunch of extra clutter! With no gift parties, you get to control what comes into your house. If everyone does it, you won't have to deal with buying a bunch of gifts for kids you barely know.

Now that we only invite close friends who know my kids well, we stopped doing no gift parties, but for big impersonal class parties? love them!

ETA: You should do what you want next time. Don't worry about the others!

[citymama]

Since you've done it, use it as an excuse to take the pressure off you to plan the "perfect party." Most no gift parties I've been to, tend to be less stressful and more relaxed. Most have no or easy party favors like balloons or bubbles. Snacks, playground, cake and you're done!

Btw, I was at a no gifts party yesterday where the kid received a modest number of presents, including from us. Not everyone is comfortable with or listens to the no gifts thing. Unless the invitation is very strongly worded, there will be some people who bring something small.

Sorry you felt pressured into this! I also live in an area where no gifts parties are common and I've refused to go there - so far, we've never had any over the top gifts and many people who host no gift parties themselves don't give presents, which is perfectly ok.

[TwinFoxes]

many people who host no gift parties themselves don't give presents, which is perfectly ok.

I think this is obnoxious. If they want to host a no gift party, fine, but to decide all parties should br no gift is condescending. Then again, i wouldn't take a gift to a no gift party, though I find that less annoying for some reason.

[Globetrotter]

many people who host no gift parties themselves don't give presents, which is perfectly ok.

It wouldn't bother me, but I do find this kind of odd.

[almostmom]

It's hard to see this now, but ultimately, you are saving your house from a lot of junk! Yes, it's fun for your kids to open up lots of presents. And you get excited that they will have a new store of toys to play with. But ultimately, I've found they get mostly junk that breaks easily or gets played with once. The lasting gifts are the ones we get them that we know they'll like.

It's one year in a lifetime of birthdays, and you'll feel better about not having tons of plastic and wrapping paper littering your house! And next year, there will be presents...

[Melaine]

I think this is obnoxious. If they want to host a no gift party, fine, but to decide all parties should br no gift is condescending. Then again, i wouldn't take a gift to a no gift party, though I find that less annoying for some reason.

:yeahthat:

[citymama]

I think this is obnoxious. If they want to host a no gift party, fine, but to decide all parties should br no gift is condescending. Then again, i wouldn't take a gift to a no gift party, though I find that less annoying for some reason.

Nah, I think you're taking it out of context. I've never seen it as condescending. As you know, I live in a crunchy, hippie part of the world, and people actually think they can take a minimalistic approach to kids stuff. (Yeah, right.) They don't want you to bring gifts, they don't bring gifts - but I've almost always had those people bring a home-made card or food contribution to the party. It doesn't bother me one bit.

I have noticed DD1 making comments though, like "Oh, Luke didn't bring me a present!" and while I try and explain the minimalism thing to her, it becomes a problem when we go to the next party and she tries to make the argument that gifts are optional!

*I* don't want to do a no gifts birthday - not because I want stuff, but because I think it is cruel to do that to my kid! Still, I understand why someone else might view it differently. And I am very grateful that most gift givers in my community stick to modest and not lavish gifts.

As for giving gifts at no-gifts party, my policy is: if someone really, really, really makes it clear they want absolutely no gifts, we comply. Especially if it is someone we don't know so well. However, if they're like "don't worry about gifts, just come!" I might bring something small, like a board book. I like to encourage DD to be generous. If it's a good friend, and she thinks of something perfect for them, I will let her get it. For eg., this last weekend we went to a party where the family has always gifted DD something she loves and she had long been talking about what to get their son. It was, I'll admit, a brilliant idea, and more importantly it did not occupy much room, so I bought it for him despite the no gifts request.

I think life would be easier if we did not judge each other by kiddie birthday presents, or lack thereof! Where I grew up, we had an unwritten rule of the $ amount that would be spent by families for other kids' birthdays (equivalent of $5-10) and it made for much more relaxed birthdays.

[TwinFoxes]

I guess why I find it obnoxious it seems that the non-givers are making it so pointed, such a message. If they are into non-materialism, why not do the "a donation has been in your child's name to..." But instead it's "oh we've evolved beyond gifts, we are helping you to evolve to." Anyway, I don't live there anymore, and if I did it probably wouldn't bother me either (because I'd be so happy to be back!) :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I guess why I find it obnoxious it seems that the non-givers are making it so pointed, such a message. If they are into non-materialism, why not do the "a donation has been in your child's name to..." But instead it's "oh we've evolved beyond gifts, we are helping you to evolve to." Anyway, I don't live there anymore, and if I did it probably wouldn't bother me either (because I'd be so happy to be back!) :)

:yeahthat: I have to say that I agree. I think that pushing your family's beliefs onto the birthday kid isn't appropriate. But, if all involved are truly ok with it, like in citymama's scenario, then I guess that's what matters. I'd be greatly annoyed here though not because I want to gift grub but b/c it's just not done to show up empty handed to make a statement.

Beth

[glbb35]

Our DS #1 has a birthday coming up. Although I loathe having more toys in the house and chasing after ds#1 to write out his thanks you (he will be 8 and can write well so this is one less chore for me! (this is the beauty of them getting older) I wouldn't take this fun time away from him. We went through a phase here for a while where people were trying to push the no party thing and I think people gave it up. The trend I have seen here is either the big blow out party, less kids to a party and do something more meaningful instead with just a few friends or many parents are buying less expensive but super nice things. At DS's last birthday a mom came and apologized for not getting a toy instead she bought him 3 summer shirts for the next summer (DS's birthday is in Oct). I thought it was fantastic. They were nice shirts that I know she probably bought on an end of the summer sale and I loved that she saved money for herself as well. When DS # 1 opened the present he said "cool, new shirts and one has a football on it". He didn't think much more of it than that but it was cool this past spring to pull out the short sleeved shirts and have new clothes. DS said "I forgot I had these from Jason". "Cool!". He was happy to have Jason's mom see him in his shirt at the first soccer game.

I have seen, given and have had given great things like lunch boxes, book bags, other school supplies, clothes, funtainers and stainless steel water things, art supplies, even a holiday cookie baking kit. I was at a party in June with the kids and one mom gave a kid a little tackle box with toothpaste, a cool toothbrush, hair brush and fun Spongebob body wash and shampoo. the kid (6 years old boy) thought the toothpaste was a little quirky but loved the tackle box and body wash.

For Ds's birthday coming up we got to use the Martial Arts school for free since both DS's are members and the instructor will do some demos with the kids and have them do some fun activities. We will have about 15 kids with cake (we are doing the angry birds theme) and will set up an angry birds thing so all the kids can knock them down. We will use solid color from the dollar store (which has awesome cheap supplies) plates and cups and have some snacks and cupcakes. Super simple, very inexpensive this year and fun. Invites went out last night and we already have 5 coming. We will deal with the thank you notes (I plan on sending his teacher a note on his birthday since he gets a free homework pass asking for a second free pass saying he will be writing all these notes and this more than surpasses any practice writing). DS will love having the friends and of course presents. We don't buy them anything in between so this will be it till Christmas. And I have asked our parents and aunts to do gift cards or some winter weather gear so they can use them on the ski trip we are doing for Christmas (instead of a large christmas). the gift card we can pull out when he wants a souvenir he can use that.

don't feel bad about your decision. It is done and there is nothing you can do to change it. Just go with it this year. Your child is young and probably won't remember much about it. He will be more excited to have all the people there supporting him. No one should feel pressured to do something b/c someone else did. Everyone has their reasons. Since I don't like no presents parties I would end up bringing your ds a little something. Something more meaningful and yet still fun. You will have a great party!

DS 03, 06, twins 09 and new baby 7/11

[Corie]

My son's bday is coming up next month. He's the new kid at a preschool where it is customary to invite the whole class. There has been one party so far, and "no presents" was noted on the invite. I felt like I had to follow suit and did the same.




You said that the first party of the school year so far was a "no presents"
party. But since you are new to this preschool, how do you know
if this is the "norm"? This party may end up being the only "no presents" party all year.