how do you know when enough is enough

[dec756]

my long term boyfriend and i are rocky, rocky, rocky. police have been called, hitting, breaking glass doors, etc. we live together but he is not on the lease. i am tossing eviction back and forth through my head. i dont think i know this person. i am only 24 and we have an almost 2 year old together. do you stay together for the kids? how do you know when you need to leave someone? obviously a lot more to it but thats the just of it all.

[lhafer]

I think only you can answer that question.

But I don't think it's worth staying together *for the kids* when what you are teaching them is how to be in a rocky relationship, or be around hitting/yelling, etc. They need a nurturing, loving environment, and it doesn't sound like yours is one of those at the moment.

[trcy]

I think only you can answer that question.

But I don't think it's worth staying together *for the kids* when what you are teaching them is how to be in a rocky relationship, or be around hitting/yelling, etc. They need a nurturing, loving environment, and it doesn't sound like yours is one of those at the moment.:yeahthat: Good luck with what sounds like a very difficult time.

[happymomma]

That is a hard decision and I agree with the previous post that it is up to you. However, it may not be good for the kids to see a relationship mark with so much conflicts.

[niccig]

But I don't think it's worth staying together *for the kids* when what you are teaching them is how to be in a rocky relationship, or be around hitting/yelling, etc. They need a nurturing, loving environment, and it doesn't sound like yours is one of those at the moment.

:yeahthat: x 100

My mother stayed in a similar situation for the kids. She finally left when we were early teens and getting hurt as trying to intervene to stop her from being hit.

Even being on your own and no money is 1000x better than what you are dealing with. We had no money, but we were much happier in single parent family.

Reach out to some support services to get help. :hug:

[misshollygolightly]

Hitting and violence are dealbreakers, IMHO. For one thing, there's no guarantee that won't some day be directed at the kids, so staying together "for the kids" just doesn't make sense to me if it might eventually put them in the way of physical harm. For another thing, I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable in a relationship like that, and the stress, instability, and misery would surely make me a worse mom.

Only you can answer your question, but based on the little you've told us I have to say that (at least from where I'm standing) it sounds like a relationship both you and DC would be better off without.

[JBaxter]

Hitting and infidelity are deal breakers in a relationship for me. Your children are not in a healthy emotional environment.

[elizabethkott]

Hitting and violence are dealbreakers, IMHO. For one thing, there's no guarantee that won't some day be directed at the kids, so staying together "for the kids" just doesn't make sense to me if it might eventually put them in the way of physical harm. For another thing, I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable in a relationship like that, and the stress, instability, and misery would surely make me a worse mom.

Only you can answer your question, but based on the little you've told us I have to say that (at least from where I'm standing) it sounds like a relationship both you and DC would be better off without.

:yeahthat:

Also, that you're even asking the question seems to answer the question.

(((((hugs))))), mama. Sometimes we take the best care of our babies by being sure we're taking the best care of ourselves.

Be safe.

[edurnemk]

Hitting and violence are dealbreakers, IMHO. For one thing, there's no guarantee that won't some day be directed at the kids, so staying together "for the kids" just doesn't make sense to me if it might eventually put them in the way of physical harm. For another thing, I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable in a relationship like that, and the stress, instability, and misery would surely make me a worse mom.

Only you can answer your question, but based on the little you've told us I have to say that (at least from where I'm standing) it sounds like a relationship both you and DC would be better off without.

:yeahthat: Once that point is reached, I don't see how you can scale it down.

My cousin stayed for the kids (pushed her to the floor and down the stairs a couple of times, the rest was just verbal and emotional violence), and when the eldest was 11 she came to her and said "please, mom, lets get out of here" He never hit the kids, but the stress of living in that environment was really bad for them.

[dec756]

i appreciate all of your opinions. this time, i think i am done being used and abused. time to step up to the plate.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Sending you strength and good luck in dealing with this very hard situation. ((((hugs)))))

Beth

[niccig]

i appreciate all of your opinions. this time, i think i am done being used and abused. time to step up to the plate.


Do look into the different support services in the community - there is help out there.

[SpaceGal]

It's hard to walk away with a kid but "staying for the kid" can be worse for yourself and you child.

I'm sure it's not going to be easy, but you can find happiness for you and your family.

[stefani]

It's hard to walk away with a kid but "staying for the kid" can be worse for yourself and you child.

I'm sure it's not going to be easy, but you can find happiness for you and your family.

:yeahthat:

Sending you lots of hugs :grouphug:, stay safe.

[hoodlims]

Stay strong and take care of yourself and your LO. Sending hugs and woman power your way.

[dec756]

wwell ladies, i have filed the eviction form at the courthouse this morning. i cant believe i am doing this. would be our 8 yr anniversary on sunday :(

[TwinFoxes]

wwell ladies, i have filed the eviction form at the courthouse this morning. i cant believe i am doing this. would be our 8 yr anniversary on sunday :(

I would recommend getting support from some sort of women's agency. They can tell you how to go about this in a way that won't put you more in harm's way. Obviously I don't know the relationship, but you don't want to spring something on your (ex) BF in a way that will put you in danger/expose your kids to more strife. Take steps to safeguard yourself. :hug:

ETA: this website may be a good place to start. It's not just for kids, although Joe Torre talks a lot about kids. I was going to PM you, but then I thought there might be someone else out there who might be able to use it. Good luck, I hope everything works out.
http://www.joetorre.org/en/pages/default.aspx

[momm]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.

You are making the right decision, it's not fair to you OR your child to live in an abusive, unpredictable, violent environment.

Please find your local domestic violence place. They will help you without any fees, guide you to all the things you might need to do that you may not think of. Like filing a restraining order, safety tips etc. They will help you through the process and help with paperwork.

They also provide counseling for you and your daughter.

You can call the hotline for finding local places.
http://www.thehotline.org/

Good luck, and please remember that the rest of your life is going to be infinitely better than living like this. Just be brave during this time.

Please feel free to PM if you need any support or guidance (10+ years of working with DV and SA victims and DV survivor here)

[wellyes]

Good for you. Stay strong. I am rooting for you to have a very positive transition to this new phase of your life.

[infomama]

I'm glad you filed. You need to get out of that situation. I agree with pps who advised to get some support (from a professional organization). If he comes to remove things from your place it isn't unusual to request a police officer to stand by (it's called a civil standby). Hearing you mention that your anniversary is coming up makes me concerned you will give him another chance. Get out for you and your little one. Mama bear time.

[AnnieW625]

I would move out if you can, I would explain things to your land lord and say that for your health and for the safety of your child you need to leave so you need to break your lease. You need to go somewhere neutral where your BF won't be able to get in. As much as it is going to suck some time apart seems like it could work right now. My 16 month old hasn't seen her dad in a week now (he's on a hunting trip) and it hasn't phased her much not seeing him.

[BabyBearsMom]

Obviously, the decision is up to you. But to me, when it gets violent (regardless if the violence is verbal, physical, sexual), that means you are past the time to end the relationship. A relationship should be about loving and supporting each other and violence is neither of those things. Staying together for the kids exposes them to that violence.

[kozachka]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.

You are making the right decision, it's not fair to you OR your child to live in an abusive, unpredictable, violent environment.

Good luck, and please remember that the rest of your life is going to be infinitely better than living like this. Just be brave during this time.


:yeahthat: Good luck with everything, and please know that we are here if you need advice or just to vent.

[tiapam]

OP (and everyone else) say this out loud:

I will not give any man a second chance to abuse me.

Why does it say second chance? Because you can't tell who will be an abuser.

Be very careful, OP. This is a prime time for him to escalate his behavior. IIWY, I would get help from a domestic violence center / helpline.