Did your IL's visit you in hospital when you had DC (if close by)

[janine]

I'm curious if I'm expecting too much. With DD#1, no one from DH's side visited. No flowers or cards either. They are an hour away and it's not a question of convenience ...it bothers me to this day (and no I don't bring it up or as far as I know it, show it). I just find it strange, my family doesn't operate this way and we are not overly close or anything!

Now a few years later with DC#2 weeks away, I"m gearing myself up for the same deal. So far they have been very quiet and removed as is typical of them. I do reach out but gets old after awhile when so little in response. It is literally impossible to get them to visit unless some huge event is planned (Xmas,etc). To see them informally, we must go to them. They are however very involved with the other grandkids (granted it's SIL's, maybe girl's get different treamtment than the sons?).

How about you or what has been your experience?

[AnnieW625]

Not my in laws, but DD1's godparents and cousin (they are DH's aunt and uncle who I pretty much consider my ILs) visited in the hospital and brought flowers. With DD2 only the uncle came because the aunt was in the middle of retiring from work (it was her last day) and the cousin was in college. If my ILs were less than 2 hrs. away I think I would've appreciated a visit. My ILs live in Wyoming so about 15 hrs. away for half of the year, and they live about 5 hrs. away in Yuma the other half of the year and it's like pulling teeth to get them to meet us even in San Diego which is only 3 hrs. from Yuma. I honestly just deal with it, it's their loss that they don't get to see their grandkids and I try not to let it bother me. My parents on the other hand live about 7 hrs. away and they'd visit every other month or so if they could.

My parents came when both girls were about 2/1/2 weeks old (ILs did also come then to see DD1 as they were enroute back to Wyoming from Arizona) and stayed for about a week. That was even better than having them close for the delivery. Both DH and I were very much we wanted to be left alone to deliver the baby. With DD1 we didn't even call our parents to tell them we were headed to the hospital. With DD2 I called my mom because I wanted to verify that my water broke (as with DD1 it was broken for me), but she didn't get in the car and drive to see the labor although she would've just made it had she driven all night.

[weech]

My ILs are super involved. My MIL took me to my last dr's appointment where they told me to go straight to the hospital - thank god, because she drove me there and kept me calm until DH got there. She was in the room when they opened my cervix basically up until I started pushing. My own mom was not there until I was in active labor! Not because she's not involved, that's just how it happened.

Sometimes its hard to understand how other families operate. I've had a difficult time getting used to a family that is SO involved and so informal - my family is much more formal/proper/whatever, so I'm shocked at some of the things that go on at my ILs :rotflmao: Also shocked that my own parents were not more involved when DS was born, but later found out it was because they wanted a formal invitation!

[crayonblue]

My in-laws drove 7 hours in blizzards to meet both DDs (I managed to have both girls, 6 years apart, during big snowstorms!).

My family didn't meet any of my kids for months and months. It just wasn't a priority.

[mommylamb]

That would hurt me too. My MIL lives in England, so clearly she isn't coming to the hospital, but she has already said that she is coming to visit soon after the baby is born. When DS was born, she came when he was 3.5 months old. DH was able to take a long paternity leave, so she came while he was off work, which I can understand. This time, she will come while I'm on maternity leave. We get along, so it should be good. Sorry that your in-laws are being unsupportive. Is it possible that they think you'd rather not be bothered by them while in the hospital? It doesn't sound like it from your post about them not visiting under regular conditions. Sorry.

[fumofu]

IL's visited us the day that DS was born, and every day that we were at the hospital. My MIL made chicken soup and other food for me and DH. It was very sweet of her. She and FIL couldn't wait to meet DS. They live 20 minutes away from the hospital.

We visit them 3 times a month. Either we drive over to their place or they swing by ours. They wish to see us more, but we're limited to the weekends.

I am sorry that your DH's side of the family is not as involved as you'd like. Perhaps you can casually ask them if they would like to visit you and your new addition once s/he arrives? Or even when you call them to let them know DC2 has arrived, that if they would like to visit, visiting hours are til x hours. And if they don't take up on the offer, then it would be best that their nonchalance not ruin your joyous mood at welcoming your new baby at the hospital.

Congratulations and best of luck at delivery!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

my ILs live a 5-hour drive away. both times they drove in the middle of the night as soon as i was in the hospital in labor. MIL has health issues (RA and various other things), FIL often has trouble taking days off from work, but they managed to be there. for DS, they missed the birth (we called them after we got to the hospital, and they got there 30 min after DS was born) but for DD, MIL was actually there to watch DD come out and everything! Both times they stayed at our place and often brought us food, etc to the hospital, held the baby, etc.

i would be really really hurt if grandparents who lived an HOUR away couldn't be bothered to visit in the hospital when the baby was born.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd have said "other" since ds1 wasn't born near by and ds2 was a birth center birth, home 7 hours after he was born. They came over right away though once we got home.

Beth

[boilermakermom]

yes, unfortunately.

[sidmand]

You don't have my response...I didn't want them to visit but they did!

It's not that I don't like them, I just thought we'd have very little time in the hospital and there was a lot we needed to figure out while we were there and we wouldn't be our best selves. I ended up with an unexpected c section so I was there longer than expected and it all worked out but it wasn't a priority for ME to have them at the hospital.

[JoyNChrist]

Everyone in our families was at the hospital for both births. And I mean EVERYONE - parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. With DS1, my mom, MIL, and my aunt were in the delivery room when he was born. When the twins were born (healthy but tiny), they let 3 people go in the NICU at a time to see them...it took 4 hours. ;)

I would be really hurt in your shoes. I'm sorry.

[ahisma]

Yep, but they only live 5 minutes away so it would have been quite odd for them not to.

[janine]

Thanks everyone - I do find it hurtful. Unfortunately I see a trend of a lot of passive aggressive actions that of course DH thinks I"m imagining. He often has excuses for them and it creates tensions between us. They have been very hands off for almost everything - showers, wedding. I pretty much let everything slide, but when it comes to DC's, I think there is no excuse - in that case it isn't about ME (ie IF it's because they don't like me persay), but about the grand child. There also are no photos of us - long story short, I tried everything (gave pictures for xmas with frames - since I was told they didn't have any..ie more excuses). Eventually I put one up of DC myself in the summer house (more of a "family" home which has photos of everyone, including pets, but me) - and low and behold DC noticed and pointed herself out at age 2. I think it's important that she feel included even If I clearly don't!

Anyway, sorry for the vent. I think I was told they didn't visit because didn't want to interfere, no formal invite. Um, ok..kind of wasn't thinking of doing all that after I'd just given birth. And my family isn't exactly informal, it's just that with family we don't expect a formal invite for events like visiting someone in the hospital or seeing a grandchild. I don't know I think when a child is born, it takes some initiative from both sides and that shouldn't require so much effort! I got over them not visiting at first (was only in the hospital for 2 days afterall) but then no cards, gifts flowers a call from anyone on his side was just ODD for our first child. Kind of sealed my impression. I had people from my side I had never seen (2nd cousins etc) send a card, or a friend I hadn't seen in years call to congratulate etc. Anyway, been re-thinking it all again since I want to lower my expectations in case this happens again. I dont' really want to make a big deal of inviting them b/c if they don't want to come, I'd rather leave it as is and acknowledge the reality (DH might feel different though!).

Thanks for listenig, wow I really rambled!

[KrisM]

My DH's family is 700 miles away. But, my SIL (brother's wife) came to visit. Does that count?

[rolypoly27]

My IL's live about 1.5 hours from us, so not too close but not very far. They came to the hospital soon after DD was born and came again the following day. My own parents didn't even come until several hours later when we had already moved to the recovery room. They only live 20 minutes away. I'm usually very independent and don't like hands-on interference from my parents or the IL's, but I think I would've been hurt if I didn't get any phone call or visit from them.

[MommyAllison]

I voted "Of course" because they did visit with DD, but with DS we asked to have no visitors in the hospital for several reasons. FIL is pretty uncomfortable in hospitals so he does drag his feet each time another grandchild is born, but MIL & SIL sat up in the hospital waiting room all night when I was in labor with DD.

[Canna]

You want them to visit?

Both our DDs were born at home, but we wished my IL's would NOT visit until later! After DD#1's birth they showed up at our house when she was a few hours old and we just wanted rest and privacy. I think even if we'd been in a hospital I would have felt similarly. If I were to have a hospital birth in the future, I'd appreciate anyone that left me alone to rest, breastfeed in peace, etc.

[scrooks]

With DD everyone was at the hospital- ILs, SIL, BIL, DN and DNs, my parents and my sister....at 4 in the morning! My ILs live 3.5 hours away and my mom and sister live 2 hours away.

With my planned cs with DS my mom and ILs were there when he was born (SIL was with DD). My dad came later in the day and my sister drove up the weekend we got home.

I would be very disappointed if they hadn't made a big deal of being there.

[DietCokeLover]

Where is the option for "No because they are horrible, evil people"?

[arivecchi]

My answer would be they did not come and I am still pi$$ed. They are only two hours away but waited till it was more convenient. Yet, they had no problems seeing my SILs who are an hour away. Lame.

[anamika]

My MIL was staying with us to help out. My ILs live in another country so too far! But I would have been livid if they did not visit.

My dad was recovering from open heart surgery and did not see DD till she was 8 months old. I think he took it very hard that he could be here for the birth.

[deborah_r]

My MIL was here when each of my boys were born. We have no family within 1000 miles so that makes it difficult. So my MIL really wanted to be here both times, and my mom was content to schedule a visit for when the babies were a little older (she used to come about once a year from 3000 miles away, until she passed away in 2009). Many other family members who could not be here sent flowers or at least called and showed a lot of interest in seeing pictures and everything. My MIL was in the delivery room when DS2 was born, but not with DS1 as he was an emergency c-section.

[Trigglet]

We had no family here for DS's birth at all - my family are 4500 miles away and my inlaws have both passed away. It makes me sad. I would be extremely pi$$ed off in your position - they have no excuse.

[weech]

Anyway, sorry for the vent. I think I was told they didn't visit because didn't want to interfere, no formal invite. Um, ok..kind of wasn't thinking of doing all that after I'd just given birth. And my family isn't exactly informal, it's just that with family we don't expect a formal invite for events like visiting someone in the hospital or seeing a grandchild. I don't know I think when a child is born, it takes some initiative from both sides and that shouldn't require so much effort! I got over them not visiting at first (was only in the hospital for 2 days afterall) but then no cards, gifts flowers a call from anyone on his side was just ODD for our first child. Kind of sealed my impression. I had people from my side I had never seen (2nd cousins etc) send a card, or a friend I hadn't seen in years call to congratulate etc. Anyway, been re-thinking it all again since I want to lower my expectations in case this happens again. I dont' really want to make a big deal of inviting them b/c if they don't want to come, I'd rather leave it as is and acknowledge the reality (DH might feel different though!).

Thanks for listenig, wow I really rambled!

This sounds really similar to what my own parents did when DS was born. I couldn't understand why they were so hands off, never came to see him, etc (and DH's parents were here all the time whether I wanted them to be or not!). Turns out they really did want a formal invitation, otherwise they felt like they were intruding. I still think it was the STRANGEST thing... but once I started inviting them and letting them know it was okay to come around, they did. It took me about 12 months to figure this out...

I hope it works out for you!

[eh613c]

My ILs live 4 hours away (driving time) and they were here 2 weeks before I was due with DS2.

[dogmom]

I voted "of course" because my MIL came, but I didn't want her to and she brought some friends with her, that I did not want. I just wanted me and my husband for a couple of days. I realized I had to let her in, being her only son and first grandchild. It could be they just think you would rather not have visitors so soon after birth.

[rlu]

My folks drove and MIL flew from CA to TX over the weekend when I was told on a Friday that I was mostly likely going be be induced the following Monday. My sister flew out when MIL flew home and then DH's sisters, et al, drove out for a visit when their kids got out of school when DS was 10 weeks or so. I am extremely lucky.

[MelissaTC]

My in-laws got in the car and basically flew down I-95 to be here within 24 hours of his birth. It was unexpected but very nice. They were ridiculously excited.

[BayGirl2]

My ILs are local and we did not want them at the hospital for either child. It feels too busy already and DH and I just wanted some time alone to rest and bond with baby. I'm sure if we made a big deal about it they would come, but they didn't seem to expect to. Plenty of time to visit when we get home and have had a day or two to recover.

[kara97210]

yes, unfortunately.

:ROTFLMAO:
I just wanted to tell you I'm having an awful day and your comment made my day. Too funny. My response is the opposite:

No, fortunately.

They are in another country and do not travel for trivial things like the birth of their grandchildren. Yes, I'm a little bitter. That being said, the last thing I would have wanted was to have to wait on them after having a baby.

[maestramommy]

My MIL has always lived too far to visit in the hospital. But she has always visited sometime the first month. The reason she doesn't visit sooner is because my parents always come to help out in the beginning. So she comes after that to extend the help by another week.

I'm sorry your ILs are not involved:hug:

[Melaine]

Honestly, I really didn't want visitors in the hospital at all! My inlaws were in China and didn't come to see the girls until they were coming anyway at Christmas (only a couple months later), so that was fine for us.

[brittone2]

We only had one hospital birth of our 3, and MIL/SIL came. FIL did not. Not his thing. I'm sure MIL/SIL were totally weirded out by my BFing a newborn. Horror of horrors ;)

MIL has come a long way since that time, thankfully, and would only be mildly flustered now I think ;)

[ShanaMama]

Haven't read all the replies but I need 'other'. The entire IL family, including FIL & BILs came. I have practically no relationship with FIL & was very uncomfortable with them there. Firstly, I felt like I had to 'dress up' for them but didn't feel up to it. Also, my afterbirth contractions were quite strong with DD2 & I felt like I was in labor while they were sitting there needing to be entertained by me! Secondly, I can't nurse in front of them. So if it's time for baby to nurse (don't forget feedings can take a while & be difficult with a newborn) I'm awkwardly trying to kick them out. Lastly, they overstayed their welcome when I just wanted them out.
How terrible would it be if I disinvite them this time around? I don't mind if MIL comes but the rest of them can wait a few more days until I'm home!

OP, maybe your ILs are trying to respect your privacy by waiting for an invitation?

[jenfromnj]

Mine did (they lived about 40 minutes from the hospital, and both are retired), but it was clearly to see DS, not so much me! They totally stressed my sorry, post-C self out--the nurses actually yelled at my MIL for taking DS out of his little rolling bassinette out in the hall (which I explicitly told her was the rule), and she had a fit, among other "incidents". It's making me annoyed just thinking about it!

[KpbS]

You don't have my response...I didn't want them to visit but they did!

It's not that I don't like them, I just thought we'd have very little time in the hospital and there was a lot we needed to figure out while we were there and we wouldn't be our best selves. I ended up with an unexpected c section so I was there longer than expected and it all worked out but it wasn't a priority for ME to have them at the hospital.

Pretty much this :tongue5:

[elephantmeg]

other than me/DH the inlaws were the first to see the kids. I was adament about no one waiting in the waiting room while I was in labor and DS was born at 11:40 so MIL came on her lunch break the next day and FIL after work. My parents had prior engagements and weren't able to come for several weeks. With DD my IL's picked DS up from the sitter around 4 or 5 (DD was born around 2) and came to visit then and then daily IIRC. My parents arrived that evening to care for DS and came to visit the next day.

[hoodlims]

i voted "No and didn't expect it" but the truth is it was "No, and I was shocked they didn't care to come." My MIL had some stupid excuse about it being a special time between the new mom and her mom, but I didn't buy it at all. They ended up coming 3 days later, and left the same day. WTF?

I told DH that this time they needed to come, no excuses, because they need to help out with DD1.

[mjs64]

Well, I'm not sure what counts as "when DC was born." My ILs came when DS was 6 weeks old (when they had vacation time), and that was fine by me. They live across the country, as do my own parents. I think they would have come earlier, but DH was adamant about them not being here immediately. My parents came at the birth, DH was still working, we live in a smallish apartment, and we both thought that it would have been too much to have all of these people around and DS (our first child and everyone's first grandchild) to deal with.

DH was adopted at 6 months old, so his parents, my ILs, have NO experience with newborns and would not have been of much help. Even when they were here when DS was 6 weeks old, FIL came with a cold (which then he gave to DS), and they let me prepare them food and drinks (I offered), all while I was still surviving on 2 hour sleep intervals, nursing, and all that. My mother, on the other hand, came while I was in labor and cooked and cleaned and held the baby. In other words, she HELPED.

So I'm glad they weren't here any sooner, though I think they offered/wanted to come. They are very respectful of our wishes, always, even if they don't get the realities of having a newborn (and, of course, that's not their fault. Poor MIL never had the opportunity to have a newborn of her own).

So, I guess, the answer is no, but respectfully/happily/lovingly no.

[s7714]

I needed to vote for all options nearly as it varied by birth.

With DC1, all my ILs were at the hospital to visit at some point during my stay. Even the ones that live far away.

With DC2 my MIL and FIL came to the hospital. Their SOs both visited at the house as I was home the next day.

With DC3 I specifically requested that no one come visit me while I was there! As DC was in the NICU they couldn't see him anyway. So all the ILs had to wait until he was home.

[Moneypenny]

1 set of in-laws came and that was fine with me. DH's family is large and spread out and so for all family occasions (wedding, funerals, births, graduations, etc), they tend to pick one "representative family" who goes. I honestly think it's a lovely idea because then I only had to deal with 3 of them instead of 35 of them.

[janine]

My ILs are local and we did not want them at the hospital for either child. It feels too busy already and DH and I just wanted some time alone to rest and bond with baby. I'm sure if we made a big deal about it they would come, but they didn't seem to expect to. Plenty of time to visit when we get home and have had a day or two to recover.

I can undertsand this (and those who said they wanted alone time and didn't want the visitors) - but in my case no visiting occurred a few days later either. My mother and sister did of course (they live same area as IL's) - came with food, things that helped immensely! Nothing from DH's side, until weeks later when we went to THEIR house and brought the baby. My DD was a late fall baby so I considered Xmas another chance and again, nothing (no gifts or efforts). I did give gifts (to the other kids etc.). Eventually they tried a *bit* more, but the damage is done (and they still never visit), but now reliving it all with #2 on the way!

ETA: oh and when I say "IL's", I mean anyone (FIL,MIL,SIL,BIL)...any one of them showing up or making an effort at anytime in 6 weeks after birth!

[janine]

This sounds really similar to what my own parents did when DS was born. I couldn't understand why they were so hands off, never came to see him, etc (and DH's parents were here all the time whether I wanted them to be or not!). Turns out they really did want a formal invitation, otherwise they felt like they were intruding. I still think it was the STRANGEST thing... but once I started inviting them and letting them know it was okay to come around, they did. It took me about 12 months to figure this out...

I hope it works out for you!

Interesting, maybe I'll try it. The resentment is starting to cement though - and now annoyed that I have to remember to extend a formal invitation to visit their own grandchild after birth with all the other things I"m juggling, but I will give it thought. Thanks for chiming in!

[BabyBearsMom]

My parents, my sister and my DH's parents came to the hospital. My parents and sister got their first and were there when they wheeled me out of surgery and DH's parents came a few hours later.

[janine]

My answer would be they did not come and I am still pi$$ed. They are only two hours away but waited till it was more convenient. Yet, they had no problems seeing my SILs who are an hour away. Lame.

Sounds like me! Beyond lame.

[marymoo86]

I'm curious if I'm expecting too much. With DD#1, no one from DH's side visited. No flowers or cards either. They are an hour away and it's not a question of convenience ...it bothers me to this day (and no I don't bring it up or as far as I know it, show it). I just find it strange, my family doesn't operate this way and we are not overly close or anything!

Now a few years later with DC#2 weeks away, I"m gearing myself up for the same deal. So far they have been very quiet and removed as is typical of them. I do reach out but gets old after awhile when so little in response. It is literally impossible to get them to visit unless some huge event is planned (Xmas,etc). To see them informally, we must go to them. They are however very involved with the other grandkids (granted it's SIL's, maybe girl's get different treamtment than the sons?).

How about you or what has been your experience?

They visited for DD's birth and once since but the way DD is treated versus the other grandkids is different. Haven't bothered to see in her 6 months since we last visited. I'm guessing it is b/c of SILs kids :shrug:

Bothers me but it is their loss.