Parenthood over 50?

[rin]

Has anyone read this NY Magazine article on older parents?

http://nymag.com/news/features/mothers-over-50-2011-10/

I have to admit I was a little icked out by the first paragraph, but I thought it raised some interesting points.

[ha98ed14]

I agree that opening line is a little intense. It's hard to imagine telling someone, "You shouldn't be having kids..." for whatever reason, but at the same time, you have to wonder if it's really fair to the kids AND the relatives who might have to care for them or support them if their parents die.

I have a peer, 37, who is one of three children. He is the middle with a sister older and a sister younger. His parents had them in their early 20s and when they found themselves empty nesters in their late 40s/ early 50s, they decided they wanted more kids. They did what this woman did: donor egg and dad's sperm. The twins are the same age as their nieces and nephews. He has been very honest with friends and said that he thinks his parents were selfish and did not think of him and his sisters when they had the twins. He thinks that he and his sisters will end up supporting the twins in their early adult years. Thankfully everyone is healthy, but it could have gone the other way. He is angry at them in a way.

That said, BIL was 52 when DN#4 was born. SIL was 38. They've been married 20+ years. I think it's nuts just from the financial aspect of having to work til your 70+ to give them a college education. He's a doctor, but with 4DC, they are hardly wealthy. But at the same time he knows how to take good care of himself and does. He's a "young 50".

[abh5e8]

hm...interesting article. my brother was born 3 weeks before my daughter was...i was 25 at the time. of course, my step mother is only 8 years older then I am, but hey...my dad is definitely a member of the over-50 parents club :) i feel sad that my brother misses out on grandparents that are active...my dad is an awesome grandpa to my kids, and an awesome dad to my brother...but i know in another 20 years, he won't be moving so easily :( thankfully, as crazy as it sounds, his mom is more a a "normal" age for having children.

[Nechums]

Interesting. My mother was 46 my father was 58 when I was born. Having older parents was very difficult as a kid when you're just trying to fit in. there was a generation gap that never narrowed. it didn't help being an only child under those circumstances. I also had to deal with aging parents at a very young age.

That being said, being older parents kept my parents young and healthy.

Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

[ha98ed14]

hm...interesting article. my brother was born 3 weeks before my daughter was...i was 25 at the time. of course, my step mother is only 8 years older then I am, but hey...my dad is definitely a member of the over-50 parents club :) i feel sad that my brother misses out on grandparents that are active...my dad is an awesome grandpa to my kids, and an awesome dad to my brother...but i know in another 20 years, he won't be moving so easily :( thankfully, as crazy as it sounds, his mom is more a a "normal" age for having children.

So in your mind, do you think of your half brother as your sibling or more like a nephew?

It's not always second marriage situations. I knew a girl in college who was the oldest of 9 (at the time). When she got married, her mom was preggers with #10, and the mom had #11 after the girl had her first child. So that baby had an aunt/uncle younger then him.

[babystuffbuff]

My parents were in their mid-40's when my brother was born. I was 19, my sister was 15. It was definitely a surprise, but he fit right in, partially because my mom is the eldest in a very close (emotionally and geographically) family and several of her siblings also had kids around that time - my brother has one cousin who is a year older than he is, and four cousins who are younger. I didn't have any cousins at all until I was 9; my sister and I were the only kids for a long time. So in that respect, I think he's a lucky kid, having so many playmates at holidays and birthday parties. :)

[flygirl555]

Sometimes life ends up different than you expect. We are bombarded by magazines and articles of celebrities in their later years having babies as if there's no trouble at all with waiting until you are older. Then, one day you wake up and realize getting pregnant isn't that easy.

So, you spend a huge sum of money only to have your heart broken each time you think "this is it" only to miscarry. Worse of all, women all around you announce their second, third and fourth pregnancies and you are no closer to an answer about why your body - which is healthy in every other way - can't sustain even one pregnancy.

Next thing you know five years or more have passed and you are in your late 40's or pushing 50. It's hard to pass judgement unless you've been there.

What would be even better is if we'd change our foster care system to a "two strikes and your out" system. To go through foster care trainig and hear the story of a young, drug-addicted Dad who lost his first daughter to the system because he didn't take responsibility and chose the drugs over his daughter. Then, having a second child with another drug-adficted girlfriend, only to have this child too taken away because they found drugs in the newborn's system
in the hospital. They returned this boy to his "Dad" four times! On the fourth time, the boy was adopted by "Grandma" so the boy could raise his son with the help of his mother. The whole story made me sick and filled me with anger.

They say "it's all about the child" but if it really was, the little boy would have stayed with the stable, financially indepent, two-parent foster family who took him home from the hospital vs a one-parent household where the young father is, six years later, still struggling to make ends meet and depends on his mom for childcare, housing and support.

[flygirl555]

Sometimes life ends up different than you expect. We are bombarded by magazines and articles of celebrities in their later years having babies as if there's no trouble at all with waiting until you are older. Then, one day you wake up and realize getting pregnant isn't that easy.

So, you spend a huge sum of money only to have your heart broken each time you think "this is it" only to miscarry. Worse of all, women allaround you are pregnant and you are no closer to an answer about why your body - which is healthy in every other way - can't sustain a pregnancy.

Next thing you know five years or more have passed and you are in your late 40's or pushing 50. It's hard to pass judgement unless you've been there.

What would be even better is if we'd change our foster care system to a "two strikes and your out" system. To go through foster care training and hear the story of a young, drug-addicted Dad who lost his first daughter to the system because he didn't take responsibility, then have a second child with a drug-adficted girlfriend only to have his son taken away four times and returned to him made me sick.

They say "it's all about the child" but if it really was, the little boy would have stayed with the stable, financially indepent, two-parent foster family who took him home from the hospital vs a one-parent household where the young father is, six years later, still struggling to make ends meet and depends on his mom for childcare, housing and support.

[MSWR0319]

FIL had two children in his mid 50's with a woman only about 4 years older than DH. The kids are now in middle school and I was just telling DH that I feel bad for them. FIL doesn't give them the attention they need nor does he have the energy to do things with thtem that he really should. He gets annoyed with their "antics", which are really nothing more than age appropriate drama. These are very good kids. He doesnt even let them practice their band instruments at home because the noise bothers him. the boy has asperger's and I feel really bad for him because FIL doesnt give him the help he needs, nor does he allow him to get it from school. He's always yelling at him for things that he shouldn't be getting in trouble for. He doesnt let the kids have friends over because he doesnt want to deal with them. In this circumstance, FIL was just too old to deal with kids. He doesn't have the energy or want to be a father again. that said I don't think he was very involved in DH's life like he should have been when DH's parents were married either, so maybe age doesn't matter, but I do think it's worse now.

[Minnifer]

Sometimes life ends up different than you expect. We are bombarded by magazines and articles of celebrities in their later years having babies as if there's no trouble at all with waiting until you are older. Then, one day you wake up and realize getting pregnant isn't that easy.

So, you spend a huge sum of money only to have your heart broken each time you think "this is it" only to miscarry. Worse of all, women allaround you are pregnant and you are no closer to an answer about why your body - which is healthy in every other way - can't sustain a pregnancy.

Next thing you know five years or more have passed and you are in your late 40's or pushing 50. It's hard to pass judgement unless you've been there.


:yeahthat: :yeahthat:

And everyone's circumstances are different so there's no way one can or should generalize ("they're too old; it's not fair to the kids(??!); the older parent will die while the kids are young; the older parent won't have enough energy for the kids, etc. etc."). I hate these kinds of articles.

I just turned 45 and have a 3 month old and a 3 year old. It wasn't how I planned to do things, but it's how it worked out for me. Older parents have children for all the same reasons younger parents do.

I do wish society would put its energy into helping "at risk" parents (e.g., drug addicts) to stop having (more) kids and take better care of those they do have, rather than spending time judging/critiquing/sensationalizing the people who dearly want to have families, have the means/resources to do so (and I don't just mean financial), and who often go through hell and high water to do so.

[3isEnough]

:yeahthat: :yeahthat:

And everyone's circumstances are different so there's no way one can or should generalize ("they're too old; it's not fair to the kids(??!); the older parent will die while the kids are young; the older parent won't have enough energy for the kids, etc. etc."). I hate these kinds of articles.

I just turned 45 and have a 3 month old and a 3 year old. It wasn't how I planned to do things, but it's how it worked out for me. Older parents have children for all the same reasons younger parents do.

I do wish society would put its energy into helping "at risk" parents (e.g., drug addicts) to stop having (more) kids and take better care of those they do have, rather than spending time judging/critiquing/sensationalizing the people who dearly want to have families, have the means/resources to do so (and I don't just mean financial), and who often go through hell and high water to do so.

:yeahthat:

[BabyBearsMom]

Having children that late in life would not be my choice, but I don't think it is fair to judge the choice when it is made by others. As an outsider looking in, it is easy to say "you should have done x" but it is so much harder when you are living your own life. If my parents decided to have another child now (impossible, my mom has had a hysterectomy...spelling?) and then died before that child came of age, I would gladly raise him or her as my own. I don't think I would feel resentful or mad about it. Family is family.

[mommylamb]

I'm 36 and pregnant now, which I know isn't really that old, but DH will be 44 by the time this baby is born, and it does weigh on me. I worry about being in my mid 50s/DH in his early 60s when he is going to college, but this is just the way it is for us. Overall, I really agree with sentiments that it's not my place to judge older parents for their choices. I would never think-- oh, that woman is a breast cancer survivor, she shouldn't have children because she might die early and leave them without a mother-- so the same holds true for older parents. Yes, I can see how it's hard on the children, but we all deal with things from our parents that are difficult.

[boolady]

I'm 36 and pregnant now, which I know isn't really that old, but DH will be 44 by the time this baby is born, and it does weigh on me. I worry about being in my mid 50s/DH in his early 60s when he is going to college, but this is just the way it is for us. Overall, I really agree with sentiments that it's not my place to judge older parents for their choices. I would never think-- oh, that woman is a breast cancer survivor, she shouldn't have children because she might die early and leave them without a mother-- so the same holds true for older parents. Yes, I can see how it's hard on the children, but we all deal with things from our parents that are difficult.

Other than the "pregnant now" part, :yeahthat: If we had another child, which we're not trying to do right now, and I don't know whether we will, we would be, at a minimum, 38 and 44 when the child was born. We simply didn't start dating until we were almost 26 and 32, dated, got married, wanted to be financially ready and have other things in order, and DD was born when we'd been married for 4 years and 1 day.

While there are things I worry about being slightly older, especially if we had another child, I don't think you're dooming your child to some sort of terrible existence with "icky" old parents. Being an active participant in your child's life and being mature enough to be a responsible parent has less to do with a number, IMHO, than with where you are at a given point in your life and whether you're truly ready to commit to parenthood and the changes it brings with it.

[rin]

:yeahthat: :yeahthat:

And everyone's circumstances are different so there's no way one can or should generalize ("they're too old; it's not fair to the kids(??!); the older parent will die while the kids are young; the older parent won't have enough energy for the kids, etc. etc."). I hate these kinds of articles.

I just turned 45 and have a 3 month old and a 3 year old. It wasn't how I planned to do things, but it's how it worked out for me. Older parents have children for all the same reasons younger parents do.

I do wish society would put its energy into helping "at risk" parents (e.g., drug addicts) to stop having (more) kids and take better care of those they do have, rather than spending time judging/critiquing/sensationalizing the people who dearly want to have families, have the means/resources to do so (and I don't just mean financial), and who often go through hell and high water to do so.

That's a really good point, and I absolutely do think that society should put more effort into creating safety nets for families and parents.

I didn't think the article was being judgey, though; I at least read it as talking about some of the societal stigma around being an older parent, and why that stigma was misplaced. I can see how it might be frustrating to have those attitudes splashed all over a nationally distributed magazine, but I can honestly say that for me, at least, I started reading it being a little squeamish about the idea of a 50+ first-time parent, but by the time I'd finished I felt a little embarrassed by having had that knee-jerk response. These issues aren't as personal for me, though; while my DH and I have had ongoing fertility issues, we're still both in our 30s.

[luckytwenty]

I don't think it's ideal to have kids so late in life, but it's also not ideal to have them at age 16. I'd rather a kid be born to a 56 year old (who desperately wanted me) than one born to a 16 year old (who probably didn't). If we're talking about a stable couple that acquired significant means during their childbearing years and who are going through extraordinary efforts to conceive, I think we're likely talking about a couple that will treasure their kids and be sure a plan will be in place for them if they don't live to see their kids become adults. I know I am generalizing and that there might be horrible older parents out there and wonderful, mature, responsible teenagers, but I think more often than not, the older parents are lacking fertility but not much else when it comes to parental readiness.

[StantonHyde]

I had my second/final child at 40. I take this responsibility seriously. I stay in the best shape I can because I don't have a choice--I need to be active for my kids. I also have wayyyyyyy more patience now than I did in my 20s or even early 30s. I am more tired now than if I had had my kids earlier--but I was NOT ready to get married, let alone be responsible for small people. I have the money and time now to give my kids the support they need to succeed/flourish without being totally stressed. I have done lots of things for myself and thus don't resent my kids or wish that I could be doing something else. (not that most people think this, but some do)

The only thing I think of is that I need to raise my children with more self confidence so that they aren't late bloomers like me. That way, they can have kids in their late 20s/early 30s so I will get to see my grandchildren!!