It's my 9 year anniversary...

[LexyLou]

It's our 9 year wedding anniversary today and for the first time in our 12 years together I feel sad and disconnected from my hubby.

I know it's just a rough patch and he's a good guy and treats me and the children well. We're just not connecting right now. I know we'll be ok, but I'm just feeling really sad.

I don't even want to go out to dinner tonight. It feels like we're faking it.


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[g-mama]

:hug: I'm sorry. I've felt that way before. We have a good relationship, but I remember on our 10th anniversary (4 years ago) we went away to Mexico for three days for the first time since having children and it was awful. We were so disconnected at the time. We had nothing to talk about and there was festering resentment under the surface. Neither of us enjoyed ourselves and all I could think of was, what a waste.

Things will get better. If your relationship is strong, they will. We all hit rough patches from time to time. Hang in there.

[misshollygolightly]

I'm so sorry, but it can and will get better! Not everyone may agree with this advice, but you say you feel like you're faking it...sometimes I think it's ok to fake it till you make it, ya know? Esp. in a situation like you describe. Sometimes when I've felt overwhelmed and distracted by other things and distant from DH, "faking it" with an date night can actually help. At some point during the evening, if I can stop overanalyzing and second-guessing enough, I actually find I'm no longer faking it and I'm really enjoying myself and feeling close to DH after all. The key, for me at least, is to try not to obsess over how I feel and stop wishing things were different...and just enjoy the evening for what it is, and try to enjoy DH for who he is. Also, it sometimes helps to start reminiscing together...not in a way that focuses on how different things used to be and how I wish we could still be like we used to be, but in a way that focuses on the things we've shared and the things that I still do like about us. Maybe you can try something like that over dinner tonight. I know it's hard, though...changing the tone/dynamic of a relationship can take a lot of mental and emotional energy. :hug:

[arivecchi]

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. :( I agree with g-mama though. I think most marriages hit rough patches. Hope you end up enjoying dinner. Hopefully, it will help you guys re-connect a bit.

[Clarity]

:hug: Mama. I truly believe that there is an ebb and flow to any relationship and it sounds like you and your dh are in an ebb phase. Hang on tight and make some time to spend together, try to reconnect. Sometimes it really is hard work.

[citymama]

I'm sorry. :hug:
I think you should go somewhere to dinner that reminds you of the early days, of how you felt 9 years ago. Nothing like shared romantic memories to bring back a little spark. I don't know how bad things are, but if it's just distance/alienation, the nostalgia might help a little. Don't blow it off!

Happy anniversary.

[LexyLou]

Thanks ladies. I think I feel sad because it's not like we are fighting or he's a jerk. He's a hard worker and a patient, loving dad and husband. Its just a disconnection that I thought I would never feel. So it's kind of a bummer to feel it.

Doesn't help that I'm. Pms'ing.

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[artvandalay]

Thanks ladies. I think I feel sad because it's not like we are fighting or he's a jerk. He's a hard worker and a patient, loving dad and husband. Its just a disconnection that I thought I would never feel. So it's kind of a bummer to feel it.

Doesn't help that I'm. Pms'ing.

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You know what's interesting? Today is our 9th anniversary, too.

We are not going out to dinner because my son has a soccer game tonight but we are going out to dinner this weekend.

I totally get what you mean out disconnection. Someone here mentioned this and it really stuck with me because I realized it's totally true: It seems the first year after each child is born is always a little rough. We don't sleep well. We're stressed. We don't find time to go out on dates or talk that much. It's hard :hug:. When I think back to some of the times when we felt very "disconnected" it was always during when one of my kids were very young.

We go through rough patches, too, but we bounce back. We are going to Vegas next month and it's the first vacation we've taken without the kids. We really need it and I am really looking forward to just him and I... no kids..

I really hope you guys have a nice anniversary. Hopefully you will enjoy your dinner and have some interesting things to talk about.

[Fairy]

Tell him that. Tell him how you're feeling. If you don't, it may fester, and then things will get even worse. I think your best bet is honesty and see if you can get at the root of the issue.

[pinkmomagain]

My sis recently had her anniversary in a similar situation to yours. Although her DH was making no plans to go out (in fact alternate plans with friends!). I told her to make dinner arrangements, tell him he's going, get a babysitter...and go out with him. She reluctantly did so and ultimately was very glad she did.

Go out to dinner, even if you right now you feel like it's just going through the motions. Hopefully a glass of wine and time without kids will set the stage for reconnecting.

Happy Anniversary!

[sidmand]

I understand the disconnection thing...nothing big is wrong, sometimes you just feel more like parents/friends than husband/wife. But I agree with the fake it 'til you make it. I've found it really does make a difference and eventually you aren't faking it any more.

[Giantbear]

If you are feeling this way, chances are, so is your husband. If the moment presents itself, don;t be afraid to talk to him about it, just make sure to use a lot of "we"phrases and not "you" phrases. Also, tonight, go out of your way to touch him as often as possible, whether it is a hand on his, an arm through his arm or a hand on his leg. Maybe sit next to each other instead of across from each other. Maybe tonight would be a good night to reminisce about happy joint memories. Not just about the family, but about you two.

[LexyLou]

Tell him that. Tell him how you're feeling. If you don't, it may fester, and then things will get even worse. I think your best bet is honesty and see if you can get at the root of the issue.


I understand the disconnection thing...nothing big is wrong, sometimes you just feel more like parents/friends than husband/wife. But I agree with the fake it 'til you make it. I've found it really does make a difference and eventually you aren't faking it any more.



If you are feeling this way, chances are, so is your husband. If the moment presents itself, don;t be afraid to talk to him about it, just make sure to use a lot of "we"phrases and not "you" phrases. Also, tonight, go out of your way to touch him as often as possible, whether it is a hand on his, an arm through his arm or a hand on his leg. Maybe sit next to each other instead of across from each other. Maybe tonight would be a good night to reminisce about happy joint memories. Not just about the family, but about you two.



I've told him. I am not one to hold back. Today is the first time he admitted that he feels it too. He's the peacekeeper and has a hard time talking about he's feeling. He lets me vent and he listens and then it just ends there. It sucks because then I feel like I never know how he's feeling plus it doesn't get resolved.

I agree with the fake it till you make it thing. It's clear we both love each other very, very much. I think we're both feeling the sadness.

It's been a very rough couple of years. We moved back to our home state but loSo he's stressed st everything + some in the sale of our house back east. We aren't poor by any means but not where we want/should be financially and it's stressful. He's also not where he should be in his career because of the economy and we live in a very wealthy area where our friends are making oodles more than us. So he's stressed at work. I'm stressed because I'm taking care of the girls alone a lot. And we're just tired.

Tonight's dinner has to be fast. We have DD2's Back to School night so we only have 1 hour for dinner, but we'll make it work.

Thanks again all. I really do love him. Like crazy. I hate being at this point.

[Giantbear]

I've told him. I am not one to hold back. Today is the first time he admitted that he feels it too. He's the peacekeeper and has a hard time talking about he's feeling. He lets me vent and he listens and then it just ends there. It sucks because then I feel like I never know how he's feeling plus it doesn't get resolved.

I agree with the fake it till you make it thing. It's clear we both love each other very, very much. I think we're both feeling the sadness.

It's been a very rough couple of years. We moved back to our home state but loSo he's stressed st everything + some in the sale of our house back east. We aren't poor by any means but not where we want/should be financially and it's stressful. He's also not where he should be in his career because of the economy and we live in a very wealthy area where our friends are making oodles more than us. So he's stressed at work. I'm stressed because I'm taking care of the girls alone a lot. And we're just tired.

Tonight's dinner has to be fast. We have DD2's Back to School night so we only have 1 hour for dinner, but we'll make it work.

Thanks again all. I really do love him. Like crazy. I hate being at this point.
Bring it back to the basics then. Pretend like you guys are first dating again, go the whole wooing route, extra time before dates, flowers, little notes, sexy text messages during the day. The whole nine yards. Maybe re-create your first date.

Sounds like you guys are suffering from a case of life. Life can be hard, life can suck and life can intrude, but life beats the alternative, so its time to make it fun again and it all starts with a the little things. Easy to do, no. But if you make a concerted effort to do it now, before youknow it, it will be second nature

[LD92599]

Hope you were able to squeeze in a nice dinner out, alone. {hugs} Sounds like you're both on the same page, so hopefully it's a start of something new :-)

You've made it past the 7 year itch; you can handle anything now!

[oneplustwo]

Just another voice to say you'll both get through this! I love GiantBear's advice. We're celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary this weekend (and later this month it will be 17 years together). There have been times DH and I felt some of that same disconnect ~ just a few years ago in fact ~ but in some ways now we feel closer than ever. It's been work though, and we've done a bit of what GiantBear suggests. You really will get there!

[LexyLou]

Thanks guys.

Yes, we went for a quick dinner and then we had to go to DD2's Back To School night.

It's funny, we met another couple there that we really liked and as we were all talking in the parking lot, it turned out the 5th is their 9 year anniversary too!

We're ok. Just in a funk. There is still a lot of love there from both of us.

I honestly think it's mostly me. I've been in a personal funk over my health, and my body images, and financial stuff and it's pushing over into our relationship.

[JoyNChrist]

Sounds like you guys are suffering from a case of life. Life can be hard, life can suck and life can intrude, but life beats the alternative, so its time to make it fun again and it all starts with a the little things. Easy to do, no. But if you make a concerted effort to do it now, before youknow it, it will be second nature

:yeahthat:

Rough patches happen. We went through a really hard time right after the twins were born. Like 9 months of me wondering if marrying him was the worst mistake of my life.

And now, just a few months later, we're in a better place I'm our marriage than we've ever been. I think it's kind of cyclical.

I really hope it gets better soon. :hug: