If you are a SAHP, how much does your partner do?

[crl]

My dh works insane hours and has a dreadful commute. So he does almost nothing around the house. This is a rental so we don't do any maintenance ourselves, which helps a lot. But I find it tough to keep up with the kids, the cleaning, the dog, all the scheduling, the bill paying (although he does do the big picture financial stuff), etc, etc. I find myself wishing that JUST ONE THING wasn't my responsibility.

I am just curious for those who have more "normal" work hours for one person and the other stays at home, how much does the work outside the home partner do? What tasks does he or she routinely do?

Catherine

[KLD313]

This is striking a cord with me after my SO just informed me that DD was my JOB! All he does is take care if the outside of the house. He used to throw the garbage but stopped since he has a new job and has to leave earlier. He won't out it out the night before. He won't change diapers or put her to bed. On occasion he has cleaned the house and if I beg him to watch DD while I go to the store he may do it but if I take too long you can bet my cell is ringing. It's ridiculous and I'm so over it.

[DrSally]

Dh travels and has insane hours as well. He does very little. I totally know where you're coming from.

[Melanie]

Dh has been out of country on business for over a week now. It has been years since he's traveled for work more than a couple of days, and even then it was 4 at the most. I am dying here.

So, usually, he works fairly normal hours. He loves to cook, but isn't home daily in time to do it for a decent dinnertime, though a few times a week and weekends he will. He usually leaves in the AM after we do, so he makes kids' breakfast and lunches while I shower, dress and do any helping along of the kids getting ready to get them down to eat and gathering of the 'stuff' for the day we need. (note, generally there is no time for the cleaning up of all of this, but at least he's getting it done and I'm ever-more-grateful-now). Dh cleans the bathrooms once a week, takes out trash barrels (I MISSED trash day last week, getting back from school drop off in time to see the truck pass our house. sigh. Today I put them out at 10 am so I wouldn't miss it tomorrow. LOL). At night he either helps with baths/showers/bedtime or cleans up from dinner. He often reads to one of them as they prefer 'separate' stories and there just isn't time for one person to do it usually (I tried tonight and almost fell asleep). He cleans up after the dog in the yard about 1/3 of the time without reminding. He tends the vegetable garden (note to self- need to water it tomorrow). He also likes to meal plan and grocery plan. We do the bills together with him usually doing all the online stuff and me writing them in our bill book and discussing them (I should have paid them on Saturday and am procrastinating due to the lack of brain power from taking on the aforementioned extra tasks). He takes the kids to school once a week and picks up Ds from his afterschool music lesson once a week. He usually practices with Ds' at night for his music lessons. And some other random stuff I'm forgetting.

Seriously, after surviving one week with him gone, so far, I feel like screaming "I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!" LOL. I don't know how some of you do this All.The.Time.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

for the most part, my DH works pretty regular hours (40-50 hrs a week). i am lucky he works from home most of the time, so he has zero commute time (can get off at 5:30 sometimes and help immediately with the kids, dinner, etc).

the downside is when DH has to travel..usually he is gone a week at at time at least once a month. this summer was nuts, there was a period where about 2 months straight he was only home on weekends..sucked big-time!! when he was here on the weekends he did help out a ton with the kids, doing grocery shopping, cleaning etc, but i could tell he was super exhausted and worn out from travel/work.

anyway, when DH doesn't travel so much, it's pretty good..in the evenings he helps feed the kids, gives DD her bath, then hands DD over to me so I nurse her and put her to bed while he gives DS his bath and puts him to bed. If i make dinner he almost always does the clean up after the kids are in bed. Sometimes if we need stuff from the store he will take DS out and do grocery shopping in the evening, so i just can stay home with DD. i think i'm really lucky though that DH works mostly regular hours (when he's not traveling) and thus has the energy/time to help out. Also, i'm lucky that he does NOT equate SAHM = having to do EVERYTHING (cooking, cleaning, etc), so he's fine with us getting a sitter to help me during the week, hiring a cleaning service, lawn service, etc. When he has to travel a lot, he does mention that he feels terrible about leaving me to deal with everything.

[lchang25000]

DH leaves for work around 5:50 am and comes home around 6:30pm. He is a busy physician and usually exhausted by the time he comes home, but still manages to be a tremendous help around the house and also outside since he's quite the handyman and gardener. He plays outside with DS when he comes home so I can cook dinner. He enjoys cooking so sometimes he cooks, mostly on the weekends. He gives DS a bath then reads him a book every night, and sometimes puts him to bed. He changes DS's diaper if I'm not able to and gladly watches DS if I need to go out for a while. He takes the trash/recycling bins out the night before every week and I bring them in the next day. I can go on and on. I know I'm so lucky to have him since he's a wonderful provider, husband, and father.

[buddyleebaby]

My DH is away for work 3-4 days, then home 3-4 days.
Obviously when he is at work, everything is on me. His schedule is different every week, and so me *not* being a SAHM at this point would be difficult.
When he is home though, he does a lot. He really does. I think I lucked out big time.

[lchang25000]

Also, i'm lucky that he does NOT equate SAHM = having to do EVERYTHING (cooking, cleaning, etc), so he's fine with us getting a sitter to help me during the week.

:yeahthat: we have date night every weekend thanks to our part-time nanny.

[Melanie]

When our first was little I used to say I am a Stay At Home Mom and not a Stay At Home Maid. We agreed that caring for the children was my full-time day job and his was at work, and the time we each had leftover was to share housework. Of course now my children require less care-by-the-hour so I feel like it's right for me to pick up more of the other duties (and wish we could afford a housekeeping service!).

[niccig]

DH works anywhere from 9am to 8pm or 2am. He can't do 50-50 but he does what he can. He does even more now that I'm back at school. He normally does the laundry, will clean up after dinner and occupies DS on weekends so I can study. If he's home in time, he puts DS to bed. He's about to take over the bill paying.

With insane hours and a long commute, hire out help. We have a cleaner every other week and a gardener. We still need to clean and work in the yard on special projects, but the regular chores are done for us. It's also been easier to get things done now that DS is older. When he was younger, it was more difficult to do anything around the place. Now he helps us, or he occupies himself.

[Globetrotter]

When DH worked for a startup, he was never around to do anything. however, he would do a few things here and there when he could. I handled all the kid stuff, but he is very much a hands-on parent and would at least spend most of his time playing with them when he was home.

Now that his schedule has eased up (relatively - it's still quite a lot, IMO, and he travels a couple of days every week), he does help out when he's home. He never asks me what's for dinner. If there is no dinner, he will ask what we should make or just starts cooking and he does dishes, etc.... He does his own laundry and helps with cleaning from time to time. however, all those years it was just me (and yes, it's hard for me to let go of that fact :)) and the reality is, since I"m home I do most of it. I also do all the research on travel/home improvements/schools/kid stuff, etc.. and get all the quotes, do 99% of the shopping (though he does the farmer's market). I have handled remodeling headaches with a baby in a sling and a preschooler at my knees, including carrying heavy window treatments back and forth to the store for cutting (that was too much). I'm okay with the ways things are now as long as I'm appreciated. I still don't think he gets that this is a job, and that is frustrating.

Since he is the type who does things around the house/parenting duties when he has to, I'm hoping my going back to work (even PT) will help to equalize our relationship somewhat. I also know it will create more stress, so I honestly don't know what will happen. I find that our dual income friends have more equal partnerships and, with a few exceptions, all the husbands cook and clean and share in parenting duties, but they've always had that dynamic, whereas for us it would be a new thing. However, it's different amongst my SAHM friends. DH can handle the house and kids, but some of those guys are frighteningly clueless (I think it's learned helplessness). One of them has never changed a diaper, despite having two kids :dizzy: Now that would never fly in this house! DH did nighttime duty for the babies until I recovered from my c/s (he brought them to me only to nurse), then after that they slept next to me. He did all the pacing and pacifying and nighttime diaper changing for that period.

[crl]

I probably should say that although I can and do complain about our situation, for the most part I don't have much to complain about with dh. He never, ever complains about the state of the house or whether there is any dinner for him. He frequently tells me I am a great mother and that our kids are lucky I am the SAHP. He generally will pitch in when I ask him to and tries to make it to the things I deem most essential, although I can never count on it.

I do trade babysitting with neighbors and hire sitters to give me time for things like cleaning out the mess in the laundry room or getting a hair cut. I am reluctant to outsource more (cleaning, dog walking, more sitter time) because we would like our current situation to change in the next year and are trying to save money to help make that happen.

Pre-kids I worked and we split chores pretty evenly--we actually negotiated them somewhat regularly and wrote it down. So I know what that looks like. But most of our post-kids life has had the chores primarily as my responsibility.

I guess I am just trying to envision what things might look like if he worked less. I know that is individual to every relationship, I just wanted some insight into how it works for others.

Thank you all!
Catherine

[ahisma]

During the hours that we are both home work is evenly split. That includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

I do what I can while he's at work. Some days that's a lot, some days it is barely anything. It is what it is.

He does all of the financial stuff. I have total access, it's just his gig.

Right now I'm consulting part time...but it still plays out pretty much the same since the time that I'm gone isn't time I'd be doing stuff around the house anyway, it's hands on kid time.

[Globetrotter]

Right now I'm consulting part time...but it still plays out pretty much the same since the time that I'm gone isn't time I'd be doing stuff around the house anyway, it's hands on kid time.


I've also worked (from home) most of the time I've been a SAHM, but since I'm physically here I've been the one to do most of the work.

Before kids, we had a fairly equal partnership until he started working the crazy hours. I'm so glad those days are over! It really took a toll on us.

[maestramommy]

My dh works regular hours, and doesn't travel, so he does a lot when he's home. We own a house on a large piece of land, so there's no way we could get by if he didn't do a lot. In addition to all the outside stuff, he helps out with the kids after work and on weekends.

But I don't know that you can compare people like my dh and yours. I mean, yours works insane hours, so it's physically and logistically impossible for him to do more than he does, right? :hug:

[daisymommy]

During the week--nada. Nothing. He leaves at 7:30 am, and comes home at 7pm. when I am getting the kids ready for bed, and either changes or eats (the dinner I have cooked) while I'm doing that. He's usually in such an irritable mood from his long commute home that I don't even bother asking for help with the bedtime routine.

On weekends, it's better. He helps with laundry, dishes, the kids, and does all outside work and home maintenance.

But yeah, during the week I am a single mom. I do everything.

[TwinFoxes]

During the hours that we are both home work is evenly split. That includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

I do what I can while he's at work. Some days that's a lot, some days it is barely anything. It is what it is.



:yeahthat: My DH does a lot. I don't consider it him helping me, because our house would be a wreck without him. I do all the financial stuff though, monthly bills and big picture. He does lawn care. I do the cooking most nights (he can make only about 3 dishes worth eating).

DH doesn't work crazy hours, but has a longish commute. (50 minutes by train).

[SnuggleBuggles]

Not much of anything with regards to housework and he doesn't take well to being asked to do things (he says I don't ask nicely :rolleyes:). But, he does a ton of stuff for the kids. Baths, reading, getting them stuff, playing with them...so it's hard to complain. He's a great parent; not so good at the house stuff. He's finally at least started doing projects again after a 4 year hiatus. Installing baseboards, putting up curtains, cleaning windows I can't reach, landscape and all sorts of stuff.

He has about a 45 minute commute but only works 8-9 hours

Beth

[Twoboos]

He does some. He's crazy busy at work and trying to hang out with the girls for 30mins or an hour once he's home. I mean, he'll put his dish into the dishwasher (usually), but not help clean up the rest of the kitchen after dinner, kwim? He takes out the trash/recycling sometimes if he remembers. He does the finances. (I have access, but it's his thing.) He carries the clean laundry upstairs and will put away his pile.

He has helped more before open houses now that our house is on the market. But that's a whirlwind clean/declutter once every couple of weeks.

It's VERY difficult sometimes. But as maestramommy pointed out, it's hard for him to do more than he's doing right now.

It's really frustrating. :hug: Especially when he is sitting watching TV at 8:30pm and says, "Come watch a show with me" and I have to answer, "I can't, I still have to <insert list of chores here>."

[MommyofAmaya]

DH does anything I ASK him to do........ but absolutely nothing I don't ask him to do, except for putting DS to bed, which he does every single night as soon as he walks in the door from work. He also drops DD off at school two mornings per week.

Can you please put your dishes in the dishwasher?
Can you transfer the laundry?
Can you let the dogs out before you go to bed?
Can you please mow the lawn, it looks like a jungle?
Can you rake the leaves so we don't need to dig ourselves out to get through the front door in the morning?
Will you please get your car inspected, i noticed that it is six months overdue?
etc.

ETA: DH works 9/80s so he is home two Fridays a month. He is away from the house from 6am-7pm daily. Our "deal" is that he helps for 15 minutes a day on weeknights, but that only happens if I ask.

[Moneypenny]

DH was a SAHD for 6 years while I WOH full-time. I did the following:

meal planning/grocery shopping/cooking
bill paying
laundry
DD care when I was home (I am usually home by 5-5:30 pm)
deep cleaning (DH did the basics)

DH did:
DD care when he was home, obviously
errand running
outside stuff/lawn care
light cleaning
dishes each night after dinner

Everything else (helping DD with homework, researching product purchases, etc) we would split up depending on interest level and what the schedule looked like that week. We had a good system and are still adjusting to the fact he's back at work full-time.

[hillview]

Yikes. I am not a SAHP but I work from home about 60% of the time. DH does what he can do and pitches in unasked (and sometimes asked) he walks the dog in the am, he starts to pack the kids lunch, he will often load or unload (or both) the dishwasher, he takes the kids to school, he puts DS1 to be every other night and DS2 to be every night and he is usually the one to get up with DS2 if he wakes up. Oh and he usually is the one to fold and put clothes away.

So I do everything else. BUT we have a house cleaner once a week and my parents help out a lot. Everything else = coordinate all kid and school stuff; doctor appts/dentist; wash clothes; deal with the dog stuff; pay all the bills; hire any handymen we need (DH does not do anything "handy"), etc. and I work full time and travel 40% (DH travels 50% or so).

I will say that there have been 2 times since kids where I had a melt down about being in charge of everything (to be fair we also support my parents financially and now support my grandma financially) and both of those melt downs resulted in DH doing more.

DH often says how lucky he is and how he doesn't know how I do it all. So I often feel appreciate.

[Giantbear]

My wife stayed home year one and went back to work this year, and she is suffering from ppd, so i may not be a good gage, but what we discussed was, from wake up till i got home from work, her job was dd and mine was my job. When i got home, i took over with dd which meant feeding, playing, changing, bathing and bedtime. Before she slept through the night i was up with her till 12-1 and then my wife would get middle of the night, but she took naps during the day. Once she slept through the night, around month 3-4, i would wake and feed at 11. I also took care of food, diaper and wipe ordering (thank you amazon) and she took care of clothes.

Now we both work, i do the lions share, but that is more the ppd than anything else.

But here is the thing, i love interacting with my daughter and don;t understand those who won't with their child. I love bath time and our nightly bed time ritual. I can't say i like mid night wakings, but the hug i get when take her out of the crib makes it all worth while. Partnership in life is partnership in life.

[Simon]

Dh does quite a bit and I think this happens in part because I will simply refuse to do things so Dh has to do them or they don't get done. I think many other people (men or women) will cave and take care of it themselves.

Even when I am at home (WAH or SAH) Dh will:
cook dinner
do dishes and clean kitchen
meal plan and grocery shop
do bedtime/child care evenings and weekends
pick up clutter and vaccuum
track bills and account balances
sometimes laundry
take out all garbage (all rooms) and recycling
yard care (mowing, raking, weeding, etc)--though I help
clean the bathroom

He is solely responsible for some of these and others we both do. But, he will do them without being asked so its not at my request.

When I was WOH with insane hours and commute, I did very little at home other than childcare, laundry and pumping (I was EP'ing for Ds2). I also keep track of and purchase all kids clothing and gifts, but that isn't a chore :)

[csnoop]

DH works really regular hours, never travels and rarely has business related engagement after hours. I work a little bit from home, about 7 hrs a week. I know that I should be really grateful for what he does at home. But I often am not and that is my fault. I grew up in a home where my dad pretty much did NOTHING except work. My brother is exactly like him, except works even more... I don't know how my SIL can stand it. I knew that I had to marry someone who would participate in caring for the household. It doesn't have to be evenly split but you have to do something.

DH wakes up first in the morning, gets the kids dressed, gives them breakfast, brush teeth. I usually wake up 30 mins later and finish giving DS breakfast. I try to make DH lunch if I can.

He comes home at 5:45pm. We have dinner at 6pm or so. He will often volunteer to help me finish dinner if it's not done already. He plays with the kids, help feed them dinner. Sometimes he washes dishes if he is not playing with the. He usually gives them a bath, read them book and we put them down together at night. On weekends, he like to plan our meals, help cook.. though he is always making desserts. I hate vacuuming so he does that too.

CC

[Pennylane]

I always tease my DH that I do everything, except go to work for him! He works lots of hours and travels every week, so I handle everything at home from paying bills to cutting the grass. Most days I don't mind, especially now that my 3 dc are in school full time. I hate for him to spend his limited time at home cutting grass, or stuff like that if I can take care of it.

Ann

[DrSally]

My wife stayed home year one and went back to work this year, and she is suffering from ppd...

I know you didn't ask, but is DW getting treatment for her depression? She doesn't have to live like this, if it's sapping her energy/joy/motivation.

[Giantbear]

I know you didn't ask, but is DW getting treatment for her depression? She doesn't have to live like this, if it's sapping her energy/joy/motivation.Yes, she is, thank you.

[momof2girls]

I do the indoor stuff like cooking and cleaning while he does the outdoor like lawn, car and garage.

[KrisM]

DH works 40 hour weeks and does not travel.

With 2 kids in school full time, I am doing more than I was. But, I do all the shopping (clothes, gifts, food), the majority of the cleaning, and most kid things. I also take out trash and mow the lawn.

DH does the 'projects' and is finishing staining the deck this week, for example. He cleans up after dinner. He reads to the kids nightly.

I rarely grocery shop with the kids. If I can't do it during school, I do it in the evening when he's home. I get out with no kids quite a bit, actually.

[Jo..]

DH wakes up at 4:30 and goes for an hour long walk before the kids get up. They wake up at 5:30-6AM.

He gets home, feeds them breakfast, reads to them, entertains them etc until about 6:30 AM (one hour). Then he turns on the TV and gets in the shower. This allows me to sleep a little longer, which is precious. In the morning, he also unloads the dishwasher (daily) and takes out the trash (as needed).

He wakes me up at 7 AM when he leaves for work. From 7AM-5:30 it's all on me (obviously) while he is at work. I clean, cook, do laundry and dishes, run the kids back and forth, and pay the bills.

When he gets home (5:30) we eat dinner. From 6pm on the kids are all his. He plays with them or reads to them. We both chip in when getting them ready for bed.

[clc053103]

DH wakes up at 4:30 and goes for an hour long walk before the kids get up. They wake up at 5:30-6AM.

He gets home, feeds them breakfast, reads to them, entertains them etc until about 6:30 AM (one hour). Then he turns on the TV and gets in the shower. This allows me to sleep a little longer, which is precious. In the morning, he also unloads the dishwasher (daily) and takes out the trash (as needed).

He wakes me up at 7 AM when he leaves for work. From 7AM-5:30 it's all on me (obviously) while he is at work. I clean, cook, do laundry and dishes, run the kids back and forth, and pay the bills.

When he gets home (5:30) we eat dinner. From 6pm on the kids are all his. He plays with them or reads to them. We both chip in when getting them ready for bed.

I want Jo's dh! Mine is pretty good, yours is great!:bighand:

[swissair81]

The first few years we were married, my DH commuted to Switzerland every week. It was the biggest pain. My DH has a local job now, but the pay is dreadful. His boss expects him to stay late in the evening (sometimes even returning an hour or so after he gets home), and work Saturday night and Sundays. We are currently thinking about the pros and cons of moving to Zurich, given the fact that I don't speak much Schweizer Deutsch. I suppose I could get private language lessons, but I'm sure it would be a huge pain getting around myself at first.

[Jo..]

I want Jo's dh! Mine is pretty good, yours is great!:bighand:


My husband is very good. Alicia's husband is GREAT. (buddyleebaby).

He will come home after working a four day shift, take out days worth of trash, cook a five course dinner while juggling and amusing the kids and folding laundry, and then look for more work. She didn't post enough about how amazing he is.

I love my husband and he is AWESOME. But Alicia's husband makes him look bad by comparison! I don't know if I should post a hug smiley or a slap smiley here.:rotflmao:

[hellokitty]

My DH helps out a LOT and I know I am lucky. He has erratic work hours, most are on call hrs (that he can do from home), so that helps. He does pretty much everything, except meal planning (he can cook decently, but I plan meals), grocery shopping, decluttering and laundry. He helps with just about everything else, and certain things like the kids' baths, he does almost 100% of the time. This started from when DS1 was a newborn and I got nervous about giving a newborn a bath, who knew it would become a (good) tradition? He also takes care of fixing things that need repair and outdoor stuff, except for the lawn, we hire a teen to do that. The only thing that sucks is that since he is on call so much, even if he is home, childcare can still be an issue, b/c he could be called in any time. Luckily, we live close to major shopping, so I am usually 5 min away from home if I am running an errand or shopping. However, I do miss many social events in the evening if my DH is on call, if it's more than 15 min from my house.

[nfowife]

My DH is military and is gone for 2-3 weeks at a time (then home for 6, but still working during the day like a normal job). When he's gone, it's all me for everything obviously.
When he's home, he'll
-do any chores around the house I ask- emtpy dishwasher, wash windows, clean bathroom (no toilets though), handyman stuff around house. However in terms of cleaning he is not someone who notices dirty so it isn't in his nature to do it because it doesn't bother him whatsoever to live in filth.
-he always takes care of the outside of the house. We have a lawn service but he does the beds, fertilizes, weeds, sprinklers, etc.
-He does the trash.
-after dinner he will clean up but not fully. He doesn't wash dishes that are handwash but he'll load the dishwasher with our plates and stuff.
-he is awesome with the kids. He'll take them places on the weekends for the whole day, they have standing activities they always do- for example Saturdays they usually go to the farmers market, then the library, then a playground, then CFA for lunch. On Sunday afternoons he takes them swimming at the YMCA during family rec swim time. He hasn't taken the baby anywhere yet but she's still very young and he feels like he doesn't know what to do with her. I'm okay with that and in the next few months when she's walking he'll be able to take her places (and down to one nap).
Overall I think he's a great husband and dad. I certainly nag and complain but I have it pretty good :) .

[daniele_ut]

I am a WAHM right now, but hoping to SAH when this baby is born. DH does a fair amount to help out now, but one of the reasons I want to quit is so I can take some of that burden OFF of him. He works an insane number of hours right now and he comes home exhausted at night. He's happy and willing to help, and believe me, I am grateful for all he does.

[megs4413]

My DH works long hours and travels occasionally. His two responsibilities are paying the bills and taking out the trash. I do everything else including the child care 'round the clock.

To be brutally honest, it sucks. We haven't been able to find another way yet, though.

[longtallsally05]

My DH feels guilty for all the time he's spent deployed (like for 8 months during my last pregnancy!) or TDY and he knows I'm really tired at the end of the day because I'm pregant. When he's home DH unloads the dishwasher in the morning, takes out the trash & recycling every week, and does the bill paying that isn't autodraft plus all of the BX and Comissary shopping (I do the errands & shopping around town b/c we live off-base). He gives DS a bath every other night and gets DS in his pjs and ready for bed. He reads to DD and takes her to soccer practice (and DS goes too if I'm feeling tired). He'll change diapers if I ask him to do so, but never seems to do it unless I ask. DH mows the lawn and he'll pick up/organize toys if necessary. He takes car of the maintenance on his car but not mine. He makes his own lunch, puts his laundry in the basket and he'll take his dishes to the sink. If I let it go for a couple of days, he might wash some pots & pans. DH came from a home where his mother did (and still does) everything re: childrearing and housekeeping. MIL is basically a domestic servant, and my ILs fuss at each other all the time (go figure), so DH makes a conscious effort not to be like FIL. MIL is envious that I have a husband who "helps" me with the children and household, but she also dislikes me because she'd like her son to have a wife that serves him the way she serves her husband. My father participated way more than FIL in terms of childrearing, cooking, and household maintenance (I've never seen my mother scrub a toilet). I don't look at it as DH "helping" me; I look at it as being a parent and participating in family life. I guess we all have different expectations.

I forgot to add that DH will take DD to school in the mornings when he has time, and that he'll get DS changed and dressed in the morning if he's home and if DS is making it difficult for me (wiggling around, not wanting to cooperate etc). I appreciate the last one quite a bit b/c DS can be tough for me to manhandle now that I'm heavily pregnant.

[american_mama]

I haven't read other replies, but I am curious too. The division of household work and the time spent on paid work is the biggest area of conflict in our marriage, and I fantasize weekly about a magic bullet to understand it, communicate about it, change it, etc. But I think the simple answer is there is no simple answer: everyone is different and every day is different. It is hard to generalize about your own life, which you know well, and even harder to get a grasp of other's lives.

Nevertheless, here is my bullet description: my DH works about 8:30 am to 6:30 or 7pm, then works from home or falls asleep from about 8-9 pm onward. I'm a night owl, and DH often wakes up at about 1 am to work just as I am going to bed. I'm not sure how long he works then because I'm a sound sleeper: he usually ends in bed with me between 4-6 am. He watches sports or works most of the weekends.

I don't think DH does a lot around the house. Things he does regularly.... he takes out the trash and grocery shops, but only for things he cares about (i.e. snack food, ethnic food he likes to cook, and anything from Sam's Club). He attends parent teacher conferences. He produces dinner (meaning an entree) 2-4 times a month, although rarely cooks dinner from scratch. He will put some of the kids to bed about half the time, but will never put all three kids to bed, I have no idea why. He has recently started to make sure the girls stay on a shower schedule during the school week, which I greatly appreciate. He mows our lawn, which is maybe 3-5 times a summer because we have such a shady lot that the grass doesn't grow much. He keeps in close touch with his family, so I don't have to be the social connector there. eta: He also does most of the morning routine for our school-age kids, which is great. He won't do it for preschoolers and never has; apparently, preschool doesn't rank high enough in his estimation, whcih I find a little insulting, but should let go.

What do I do? All the household and big picture finances. All the medical. All the bathroom cleaning, all the laundry, all the putting laundry away, all the clothes and gift shopping, all the bathing of our preschooler, all the picking up around the house, almost all the kitchen clean up, all the vacation planning, all the kid chauffering and school pick up/drop off. All the kid lunches. Anything with friends. Most of the homework help and monitoring. About half the grocery shopping, although it's the half that becomes all our meals.

I am often jealous of other people's marriages. Fathers who coach sports or volunteer, pick their kids up from school, split household work, do stuff around the house or yard. Fathers with hobbies, fathers who play outside with their kids, fathers who read for pleasure. When I see couples together a lot - i.e. both parents attend school Open House, both parents are taking a walk at night with their kids - I am a little surprised. How do they have the time for BOTH parents to do the same task at the same time? Whether out of preference or necessity, for my DH, the call of work, sleep or sports is much more pressing to him.

[anonomom]

DH does a lot, though I am not sure I realized how much until I read this thread. :wink2: He helps get the kids ready in the morning and takes DD1 to school on his way to work. When he gets home (between 6-7), he helps get dinner on the table (and by this I mean, he takes the plates to the table, gets the kids drinks, etc.) and after dinner, gives the girls their bath, gets them into pajamas and reads them a story. He pays bills, takes out the trash, scoops the litter box, changes lightbulbs and batteries, and does outside-type maintenance (though a neighborhood kid mows the lawn). He also empties the dishwasher about 1/3 of the time, and is responsible for his own laundry. Lately, he's also been taking the kids for a few hours at a time on the weekend so that I can work on some long-overdue cleanup/organization projects in the house. And he helps me with the bi-weekly frantic decluttering we do the night before the cleaners come.

I do meal planning, shopping and prep, laundry for the house and kids (and myself, of course), most daily cleanup, dishes, make and attend appointments for the kids, and basically do most of the stuff that keeps life humming along.

I think the key for us is that we always approached having a family as a team effort, rather than thinking of it as "his job" and "my job." We're always looking for ways to help each other out, which helps a lot to allay any temptation to keep score. It also helps that we both have very low standards. :bouncy:

[brittone2]

DH feeds the dog and cat, handles the litterbox (out of habit now after 3 pregnancies for me), pays the bills, takes the trash out, mows/trims the grass, cleans the gutters and does other exterior maintenance. He handles oil changes, etc. for the vehicles. He cooks breakfast most weekends, gives the kids lunch on a weekend. He gets the coffee set up for me in the morning so I just have to flip the switch (he has his at work). He unloads the dishwasher about half of the time.

We grocery shop together on a weekday evening usually because with the three kids along, grocery shopping requires a team effort at times right now.

I do the vast majority of the weekday cooking and weekend stuff other than breakfast. I homeschool the kids, I do most of the laundry (but he's good about checking to see if something needs flipped to the dryer or taken upstairs). I do most of the day to day cleaning but he helps out by vacuuming maybe 1-2x a week (I vacuum in between). He helps with any deep cleaning/company's coming type cleaning or more intense stuff on weekends (if we've had a busy week and I'm kind of behind).

He often cleans up the kitchen in the evening while I get the older two kids to bed. He wears the baby in the Ergo and cleans up, and this gets the little guy drowsy. The youngest falls asleep better for DH. DH helps with bedtime-tooth brushing, making sure everyone has pottied and put on jammies, and he reads to DD most nights. Bedtime is kind of a team effort but he just jumps in and brushes one kid if I'm brushing the other, etc.

He takes off to take kids to doc/dentist appts (we split up. I'll keep the baby with me and he takes them or vice versa). He stomach virus is circulating at home and more than one child is vomiting, or if I'm super sick and can't handle the childcare that day).

He considers my being a SAHM to be a full time job in and of itself, especially w/ HSing, and realizes I need help getting housework done since I'm tied up w/ other stuff during the day much of the time. He bugs me all of the time to take time for myself (which I am terrible at without reminding).

He leaves at about 6-6:30 am and has a 35min commute. He gets home around 5:00. He travels for work but this year it has been under 10% travel I think.

DH makes me feel like a slacker. He is awesome about treating HSing as a job (realizes it is time consuming and hard at times to multitask cleaning, etc. at the same time) and knows how hard it is to get anything done with three kids home full-time during the day.