12 mo. DD is driving me crazy - need reassurance, advice

[TxCat]

This afternoon was one of my worst days of parenting since the 6-8 week mark where I wasn't sleeping and DD was crying full-blast every night, and there never seemed to be anything I could do to make it better.

First off, I'll preface this by saying that I think DD is/will be a strong-willed child. When she started being able to crawl, she hated her diaper changes for several weeks, screaming loudly most times. It was totally a phase, and I think it was just because she hated having her mobility limited, being taken away from playtime, etc. She has had stranger/separation anxiety from 4 mo. and is showing no signs of getting over that any time soon. She seems to have a strong personality, and I realize that that plays into this.

That being said, this afternoon was a mess. Basically, she spent a large chunk of it crying/being angry for no real discernible reason, or lots of reasons that I couldn't make better. She seemed to want me, so I would try to hold her, but I had to make dinner. I tried to put her in the Beco, cried harder. Put her on the floor next to me, cried harder. I couldn't really drop everything because I had to make dinner, so, DH took her and she still was crying/being frustrated with him. Even when we got her to play with something, like her wagon, if she got frustrated she would scream and start crying again. Dinner - if she wasn't getting what she wanted fast enough, she would just start crying. If she couldn't have something that she wanted, big cry. Getting her ready for bed was taking too long (pajama difficulties), and she started crying. And all of this crying is the loud, ugly, angry cry. It just felt like 3 hours of non-stop tantrum crying.

Now, part of it was probably the fact that she only took one nap today, and it was the morning one, so I'm sure she was super tired. We've had about 3 weeks now where the nap schedule has been slightly erratic - some days 2, some days 1, because I think she's starting to try to cut out the 2nd nap. And part of it might be some meal battles - it seems like her palate is shrinking so dinner has now become a time of frustration for her (something I'm going to cross-post about in Kid Food). But, I feel like the last month, she's had a lot more frustration and anger, or emotional outbursts in general, and I'm sort of at the end of my rope in how to deal with it. I can't stay frazzled that long because after the outburst, she'll start to be really cute and sweet again, but I am getting worn out by the mood swings that she has. I'm rapidly running out of calming techniques for both of us!

Does this sound like a phase (I'm envisioning something that's going to last the next 2 years). Are there any good management strategies?

[crl]

When my dd has a day or a week like this, in retrospect I usually figure out that she was sick or teething. We had one really bad month around that age where she was teething for two weeks straight, then had a virus that gave her blisters in her throat (and I didn't figure that out for like three days--mother of the year award for me!) plus she was switching from one nap to two. Awful. But it did pass and things got better again.

Oh, and she is pretty strong willed too. She hates having her diaper changed, hates being told no and runs away from me without looking back all the time.

Catherine

[SkyrMommy]

My DD went through a bit of this same behavior around 12 months as well, it was partly teething and mostly getting her sleep routine for naps straightened out. We went from a morning and afternoon nap, to a very, very long nap from 12:30 to 3.

:hug: It will get better, give her and yourself a chance to settle into a new routine of sleeping and independence!

[newg]

DD2 is 14 months and goes through this too..........last week was a doozy...finally I stuck my finger in her mouth and felt a tiny sharp prick in her lower jaw............poor thing is getting a molar. It's her second molar, but it seems to be bothering her more; I think because she also has a cold...so her soothing technique, sucking her thumb, isn't working as well.
She has been the same way though.......nothing seems to make her feel better.....even when I hold her, which is what she seems to want when nothing else works, only works for so long.
I have actually found that getting her out of the house......a walk, pushing her on the swing....even running errands......seems to help. The stimulation helps her forget the discomfort.
DD2 is also strong willed, and always wants to be moving to keep up with her sister.....I usually have a forearm across her shoulders while I'm changing her!

If you're droping a nap.....can you drop the morning nap, maybe putting her down right after lunch, so she'll make it through dinner?

[sweetsue98]

When DD was 12 months we went through something similar. She was transitioning from 2 naps to 1 at daycare so by the time she got home, she was super cranky. I also think teething can cause some crankiness as well. I'm sure it's a phase!

[curiousgeorge]

I remember vividly having days like this when my son turned one.

Dropping the nap coupled with teething, trying to learn to walk, talk, etc. seemed to really mess with his mind and attitude.

I would try keeping the mornings really full of things to do so that by the time lunch rolls around she is ready for a nap after lunch. We usually kept busy with outside play.

I found if I did run errands in the morning I had to make sure I wasn't in the car at the time he normally had his morning nap or he would fall asleep...and that was it for the day. I was OK if he fell asleep at the end on the way home because I could transfer him to his bed and he would sleep fine.

Good luck...this too shall pass!

[candaceb]

The first thing I thought of when reading your post was teething. That plus naps that are too short result in similar behavior around our house. DS was hitting me hard enough to hurt at one point this week - after asking to be picked up. I do think it's a phase. Hopefully a short one. But then there will be another...

[Uno-Mom]

Besides the teething/illness items mentioned... have there been any other changes in your home recently?

That's on my mind right now because my usually easy-going toddler has been much whinier, tantrum-ier and is showing extreme clingy-ness this week. In her case, it's because my DH is recovering from an injury and hasn't been able to take his usual major role in her care. That's thrown her off. She's also had extra babysitting because of daddy's injury, so she's feeling some separation stuff.

I bet PPs are right about the teething, though. Blessings on you - I hope tomorrow is easier!!!

[Simon]

Her ability to communicate may also be causing frustration. If her ideas are growing faster than her ability to tell you what she wants it can cause a lot of what you are describing.

We always run through the HALT checklist when our toddlers are melting and about 95% of the time find out answer: Hungry Anxious Lonely Tired

[BabyH]

Her ability to communicate may also be causing frustration. If her ideas are growing faster than her ability to tell you what she wants it can cause a lot of what you are describing.

We always run through the HALT checklist when our toddlers are melting and about 95% of the time find out answer: Hungry Anxious Lonely Tired

:yeahthat:

Now could be a good starting point for some sign language. I attempted several times, but DS just wasn't really interested. Now that he's able to communicate more, things are so much easier!

I've also learned tricks to nip tantrums in the bud, except for a hunger tantrum. Hunger tantrums are the worst (IMHO).

And remember the mantras "The only constant is change" and "It will get better. It always does."

[boolady]

My first two thoughts were also teething or frustration with inability to communicate.

[marymoo86]

I'm getting some of this too and her will showing. Showing anger/frustration. How are you able to guide them? Just praise good behavior? Any good book recs/websites?

[BabyBearsMom]

:hug5: That is a hard time. When my DD turned one my DH said "if this is one, what are the terrible twos?" She was having outright tantrums, biting if she didn't get her way etc. Finally, one day she wanted me to hold her and I had to cook dinner, she pitched a fit. DH and I agreed to ignore her. She screamed for 20 minutes straight and when she stopped, I walked over and spent some cuddle and play time with her. Each time she had a tantrum we did the same thing and they got shorter and shorter. Now when she tries it they last 2 to 3 minutes tops before she gives up and moves on. I will say, the tantrums got a lot less frequent when she started being able to talk and communicate better. But a lot of it is them trying to get you to do what they want through crying. If I know she has a clean diaper and isn't starving or thirsty, I just don't worry about it. And it isn't like she is neglected, she gets tons of attention, so I know it isn't that. I also think that time is extra hard when they are cutting down to 1 nap. Once that gets settled, things get easier because they aren't super tired all the time. Good luck!

[TxCat]

Thank you all so much!!! You have no idea how much the reassurance, advice, and suggestions help. I feel much less alone after hearing from you all. Today was a little bit better. I think there is a good chance she could be teething on top of everything else going on - nap transitioning, learning to walk, etc. I can't feel any new teeth, but she always has her fingers reaching towards the back of her mouth, so I'm suspicious. And her decreased napping is definitely making her miserable right now.

BabyBearsMom - you nailed it on the head. My DH and I have been looking at each other the last couple weeks like, "This is only one year old. What in the world are we in for at two??" She definitely knows that she can control us with her crying right now, so it helps to hear some BTDT advice.

Now, to try to figure out how to help this nap schedule...

[hoodlims]

Ugh, I feel you. I always say, "When my daughter turned 1, she turned 2. Or 13." It is a really rough time. What I found helped was napping when she did. I also say, try to cut out the morning nap by suggesting going on a walk outdoors during that time of the day. It should keep her awake, you sane, and make her super hungry and tired.

I realize she is not totally walking yet, but do you have a little push car you can use? Kids don't tend to fall asleep in those. Or you can use a push cart for stability. Or maybe just hold her hands up for support?

Good luck! It may get worse before it gets better, but aspects of it WILL get better! Teething is temporary, and she will go to one nap at some point. Sign language is also great, especially if she wants milk and to "eat", as those are pretty simple signs for kids to master.

[arivecchi]

Some kids are just really challenging. Here is my own thread from when DS2 was one:

http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=369856&highlight=Dictator

He is sooooo much better now (though still a dictator ;)). My best guess is that he was so difficult at that age because a) he is incredibly strong-willed and opinionated but could not express himself yet and 2) he was having a hard time with all the developmental changes.

So keep that in mind too. My kids did not really have any noticeable changes while teething.

In your case, I would try switching her to a longer nap after lunch if she is resisting the two nap schedule. Being over-tired leads to chaos in my house every single time.

[AngelaS]

I think her inablility to communicate is probably a huge source for her frustration. Even teaching her "more" "drink" "all done" will help.

I also found that it was worth it for my sanity to do my best to preserve my girls' nap routines more often than not so that they got enough good sleep to be civil little humans. :)