Dating/relationship rules for your children...

[Uno-Mom]

...what are your plans? Or, if you have older kids, what are you doing?

I refer to questions like: age kids can date, what they are allowed to do for dates, whether they are allowed a "girlfriend/boyfriend" and when, etc etc.

I do not specifically mean what gender/sexual morals you are instilling in your kids, though of course that's related. I'm more curious about practical details and rules you'll enforce.

This is waaaaay in my future but it's something DH and I haven't really discussed yet. We tend to think waaaaaaay ahead so I'm curious what other parents are doing.

[elektra]

I have no idea! My parents didn't have rules like that for me so that would be new territory for me to navigate.

It did actually come up in a way this weekend. DD has a little crush on a boy in her class, and she was begging me to contact his mom to set up a play date.
She waited by the window for an hour waiting for him to arrive!
DH was a little bothered by the whole thing and was making jokes about buying a shotgun.
My strategy at this point is to keep talking to DD, and hope she keeps talking to me about everything, so that we can figure the whole thing out together. I never told my mom anything whatsoever about boys and I am hoping that things end up differently between DD and me. We shall see!

[ellies mom]

Right now I'm telling the girls they can start dating when they are 27. They can get married at 30 and have their kids at 35.

Seriously, though I wasn't allowed to go on "dates" until I was 16. I could go out as a group but no couples. That seems pretty reasonable. I really haven't put too much thought into to it yet.

[TwinFoxes]

I haven't thought about it.

[JBaxter]

It's hard to make "rules" now for your children. Things change over time on what is acceptable. My parents refused to "allow" me to date before 16 SO I snuck out at 15. Had they allowed supervised "dating things would have been different.

Things in groups I allowed earlier. School dances, Youth group trips, getting dropped off at the mall & going to a movie etc. Each situation has its own benefits and risks.
The key is to start building trust early so when a bigger situation such as a car date occurs everyone is more comfortable.

[pinkmomagain]

Well, I have a 15 year old dd -- a sophmore in HS. This seems to be the year where boys are starting to come to the forefront. I am very glad it did not happen sooner. For me, absolutely no dating/"boyfriends" before HS -- that's for sure. There is enough BS that happens among girls to then emotionally deal with boy issues.

I am talking to her alot about not dating a boy just to have a "boyfriend." There are several boys interested in her and I encourage her get to know them as friends and not to move forward to even consider dating unless one is someone she likes on many fronts (personality, character, looks, etc). I've tried to point out that there is emotional investment and given that she is a very high-strung, sensitive person, she needs to chose carefully, should the opportunity arise.

[AngelaS]

We've been talking with our girls about dating and what it's purpose is....to find someone to marry. They all understand that they are too young to marry, so why do they need a boyfriend?

My oldest has some great friends that are boys. They all go to our church and all hang out after church, or at each other's houses when the families get together for dinner and parties. I love that they are all learning to be friends and be comfortable around members of the opposite sex. She goes to youth group events and such with everyone too and we encourage doing things in a group. I don't see that changing any time soon. :)

[hellokitty]

I haven't thought much about it in terms of, "rules." They might not even want to date in high school for all I know. I guess that my biggest worries are whoever they end up with as a life partner. Whoever that person is, I hope that he/she is a nice person. As a mom to 3 boys, I dread that my future will basically end up being, "the mil." It really sucks. That's not to say that all daughters are close to their moms, but generally speaking, more daughters are closer to their moms than sons are to their moms, and I'm not going to seek out a mother-daughter relationship with any of my fdils, b/c I know that they have their own mom and will probably resent me for that sort of expectations. Ugh, I really wish I had a dd. I won't even get to help with any wedding stuff...

[Katigre]

We don't have specific rules set out yet. But one thing that is important to both DH and myself to encourage and model is family-involvement in dating. When you're in a relatoinship, it's so important to get to know the person's family and spend time with them - not just always be alone with yourselves or out with friend.

To that end we'd have a lot of family activities the person would be invited to and expected to participate in, in addition to their alone activities. This is something that benefitted DH and myself immensely in our dating years and we remain very close to both of our extended families today (and feel comfortable and accepted there b/c we intentionally built relationships with them as our relationship grew).

[ladysoapmaker]

DH and I have been talking to DS#1 for a few years now about relationships and how communication is the most important aspect. And how he doesn't need a girlfriend in high school. Yes, it would be nice for him but not to rush things. DS#2 just started asking question and DH started with discussing peer pressure. We are planning on starting in the same vein with the girls.

As far as "rules", we have to meet the girlfriend/boyfriend if they go out on a date. Dating can not be before high school. School dances are fine as long as they go with a group of friends when in middle school.

We've been trying to emphasize getting an education before getting serious about someone.

One of my biggest complaints is when people say "oh, is that your boyfriend/girlfriend?" to a 3 to 7 yr old if they are playing with the opposite sex. Why can't kids be friends with the opposite sex before the thought of boyfriend/girlfriend has to come up.

Though I think the we meet the SO before a date has been part of the limiting factor for DS#1, he's scared we're going to embarrass him.

Jen

[MoJo]

We don't have specific rules set out yet. But one thing that is important to both DH and myself to encourage and model is family-involvement in dating. When you're in a relatoinship, it's so important to get to know the person's family and spend time with them - not just always be alone with yourselves or out with friend.

To that end we'd have a lot of family activities the person would be invited to and expected to participate in, in addition to their alone activities. This is something that benefitted DH and myself immensely in our dating years and we remain very close to both of our extended families today (and feel comfortable and accepted there b/c we intentionally built relationships with them as our relationship grew).

I like this a lot!

For us, I don't know. I'm afraid it will go like it did for me. First I couldn't date 'til I was in high school, then not 'til I was 16, then not 'til I was in college, and not because of my own immaturity or anything. I ended up marrying the first guy I dated (which turned out to be after college). In some respects that's cool, but whenever we're having a hard time I wonder if I should have dated more. I always had lots of boy friends, but a boyfriend is totally different.

[vonfirmath]

Our rules for dating growing up was that we were not allowed to date until we were ready to be married -- and at no time should we be dating a guy we were not looking at marrying.

We were allowed to go out with friends. I even went out with a guy a couple of times (Senior Prom, for example). But it was not dating because I was not looking to get married. It was very clear to both of us that we were just going together as friends because we wanted to do so.

[BabyBearsMom]

My DH has a rule for dating. DD can start dating once DH is dead :hysterical:

[Simon]

These are very important questions to me. My Mom was super lax on rules and that was hard for me. I had to make my own way and she sometimes made it harder for me to set boundaries by contradicting me in front of others. She was, at times, quite inappropriate. Thanks Mom (NOT!).

Mixed group events in Middle School will be OK. School dance or (depending on where we live) going off without parents at the county fair or to the mall.

Solo dating after Ds can drive himself, so essentially age 16. Its not that I want him to drive himself places to date, but that I don't want him stranded someplace or to end up in a situation where others have been drinking but he can't drive them/himself home. I know I can always tell him to call, but in the moment I want him to have that ability.

A parent will ALWAYS be waiting up for you when you come home from a date. My Dad did this and I really appreciated it. Ds will be expected to "check-in" so we know what time he arrived and can see that he isn't in major emotional distress.

At home, no members of the opposite sex (or same sex if romantic partner) in your room with the door closed!

Given Ds1's personality, I think he will be well liked by girls as a "friend" but I am not sure he'll be into romantic relationships very early. I can see him being a late-bloomer.

[Simon]

Our rules for dating growing up was that we were not allowed to date until we were ready to be married -- and at no time should we be dating a guy we were not looking at marrying.

I both agree and disagre with this idea. I think that dating different people gave me great insight into what I wanted in my marriage partner. I did have one long-term relationship with a person who I was fairly certain I would never marry and I learned a lot about communication and what I wanted from a romantic relationship. Then again, he was a very good person, just not right for me for the rest of my life.

OTOH, I think it makes sense to not waste time on someone who you don't think is 'worthy' of marrying, just for the sake of going out on dates or having a boy/girlfriend.

[ahisma]

It's hard to make "rules" now for your children. .

I agree, completely. We have no dating rules re: when they can start dating.

DD (13yo) hasn't started really dating yet. She "dated" a guy for 6 months last year but it only consisted of trading shoelaces and eating lunch at the same table...not much of a change since they were already at the same table.

She goes to dances and has many "guy" friends. She has no interest in what she describes as the "drama" of dating. When that changes, we'll have to deal with it. She knows general guidelines of course. She does go to many co-ed group activities- dances, football games, youth group, etc.

For her, I think her perspective has been impacted by seeing her dad's many, many failed relationships. She knows that there can be good outcomes too, DH and I have a good relationship and she lives here 90% of the time. She just doesn't see it as something that she wants to deal with now.

Honestly, between homework, percussion, hooping class, youth group and family activities I have no clue when she'd find time to date. I'm cool with that:)

[BabyMine]

My mom was very strict on me even though I never gave her a reason. She was lax on my sister even though she gave her reasons not to be.

For me it depends on them as individuals. They aren't going to get age specific rules.

[Giantbear]

I have a shot gun, a shovel and a bag of lime.......

I will put my arm around the young man, i will point at my angel and tell him "you see that girl over there?? she is my life, she is my world....... and I am not afraid to go back to prison!!!"

I also have a basement and it has a lock.......

My daughter is only 16 months, i will not torture myself with this for some time.

[lalasmama]

Ex-SO's daughter made him a grandpa at 17. I thought we were the "cool" parents, making her appointments for birth control, talking about it, discussing options. And a week before her appointment for her IUD, she says, "What would happen if I told you I was pregnant?"

And I thought we were doing everything right. We knew her friends, her friends' parents, where she was going, when she would be back, etc. She managed the old "say I'm at friend 1's house, and go to friend 2's house." And, realistically, there was nothing we really could have done--she was 17. Nearly a legal adult. She had her own car. She went to college classes, so if she skipped, no one would call home. We only found out about this boy when friend 1 confided to her mother, friend 1's mother checked it out, and found then-step-DD in the car with the boy and alerted us. And we found out about the baby 8 weeks later.

So, dating rules for DD? I'm not planning on them. We will talk, discuss, and decide together.

Thankfully, DD told me yesterday she doesn't want to have babies before she has a husband. Fingers crossed that she will remain with that idea!

[maestramommy]

We don't have specific rules set out yet. But one thing that is important to both DH and myself to encourage and model is family-involvement in dating. When you're in a relatoinship, it's so important to get to know the person's family and spend time with them - not just always be alone with yourselves or out with friend.

To that end we'd have a lot of family activities the person would be invited to and expected to participate in, in addition to their alone activities. This is something that benefitted DH and myself immensely in our dating years and we remain very close to both of our extended families today (and feel comfortable and accepted there b/c we intentionally built relationships with them as our relationship grew).

This sounds great! I can't even imaging what our rules would be, it's so far off. Although Dh has already started growling at boys at the playground when they follow the girls too closely:tongue5: I think he said they could start dating when we're dead:D

[bisous]

I plan to use the same rules I had as a teenager. I didn't love them, but I did "need" them and I could see that even then!

My boys won't date until they are 16. They won't ever be in their bedrooms alone with a date. They have a curfew of midnight.

I really doubt I'll change my mind when the kids are teens. I think strict rules can work if enforced with enough love and guts. :)

[Green_Tea]

My mom was very strict on me even though I never gave her a reason. She was lax on my sister even though she gave her reasons not to be.

For me it depends on them as individuals. They aren't going to get age specific rules.

Yup. This. I think creating a one-size fits all approach to creating rules about stuff like this is a mistake. I don't want to put a hard and fast age on when my kids will be allowed to date - what if we get to 15 or 16 and I still don't feel they're ready? Or what if they're simply ready and mature enough at different times?