for those who go to church...

[eagle]

i havent attended church since i left to go to university.

i dont really believe but i do miss the community that church provides.

i talked about this with my therapist today, saying how much i missed the community but that i didnt ever try out any churches since i dont believe.

he suggested that perhaps my preconception of "adult church" (since i only ever attended as a kid) might be different from reality.

if you go to chuch, do you think that everyone who regularly attends believes in god? do you think there are any regular attendees just go for the friendships, helping others (cooking meals, financial aid, helping out in drives etc) even though they do not believe?

my parents are korean and we attended a couple different korean presbyterian churches. grew up going to sunday school, watching my parents get involved in choir, in cooking for various functions. attended vbs, picnics, weddings and funerals. most of our social ties were based on church folks.

i miss it. i just dont believe. i was wondering about joining, paying dues, helping out and making friends and not telling a soul i dont believe.

but i just havent gotten around to it.

another thing is is that my husband has issues and will never ever attend (his parents converted to christianity when he was a teenager... its a long story but hes rather bitter against churches), so if i attend with my son, it would just be the two of us. no biggie, imo.

ive also considered non-denom churches like unitarians but im more inclined to join something more korean, whatever it is around our area (and there are a few).

okay. was just wondering. thanks for listening!

[crayonblue]

Yes, I am sure that there are many people who attend the churches I have attended who don't believe and just don't say anything. For example, the census year, a census taker came by and I have no idea how but somehow we ended up talking about churches and he said he goes to ours but just doesn't believe. However, he loves the church and the pastor and figures that when he's ready, he'll decide what he believes. I told him that my daughter had just died so you never know when your time is up so you better hurry up and decide what you believe!

DH and I have attended non-denominational evangelical churches and we love them. Our current church is basically a huge ministry to the community. I've never seen a church so intent on helping others and we love it.

I say go for it! I love having a church community.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I think there are people who go to church looking for "something" that seems to be missing, and a lot of people seem to have not gone since they were a kid. Definitely all people who "go" to a church are not believers, or not believers yet. You may feel most comfortable finding a Korean Presbyterian church since you went to one as a kid and see if what you hear is interesting to you.

[american_mama]

Yes, I think many people are involved in church for community and don't think a lot about their personal beliefs. And there are churches where questioning is a-ok. I go to a United Church of Christ church that is very welcoming to skeptics. Many churches that have blended traditions or newer traditions attract a lot of people like you, who grew up in one denomination, moved away from it and want to return to a less rigid or one-denomination church. And there are ethical societies, which are for atheists who want to explore ethical living and belief without any religious belief.

I say go church shopping. You'll probably be surprised at the variety of churches and your reaction to them and then, as your therpaist suggested, you'll be responding to the here and now rather than the memory of church from a different time and place.

[MelissaTC]

I am very active in my church community. I know I believe in something, just not sure what. I love the people, the ministries and the sense of community. But I don't follow some of the "rules" and I am against some of the church's stand on various social and political issues. I should probably switch churches but my hubby is happy.

[mmommy]

The philospher Daniel Dennett completed a study and numerous articles about the numbers of clergy who don't believe. If so many of those leading the churches and giving the sermons have questions, I'd imagine many church members do too.

[maestramommy]

I would say the majority of people who attend my church do believe, but it's a spectrum. Not everyone necessarily believes everything. There is an older woman I highly respect who is in the science and spirit forum (sunday school). One day she told me she's really a universalist. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it's probably not exactly what I believe. this woman has been an elder in our church, is very active, been a member for FOREVER. There is a wide range of belief in our church, and I suspect in many other churches.

I grew up Presybterian, but started attending a Taiwanese Pres. church when I was in high school. It's a different vibe for sure. There are some things about it that really frustrated me, but I can see the cultural tie and the sense of community that is different. There have been times where I've visited Korean churches, and my sense is that the members are very devout. But that's just as an outsider looking in.

[hellokitty]

Eagle, You should check out unitarian universalist church. It is a church for those with a wide spectrum of beliefs. This includes agnostics and atheists (dh and myself). We have attended for yrs and love it. It is a free thinking church, they don't tell you what you can or can't believe. I grew up without religion, but parents who consider themselves Buddhist. My dh grew up Korean catholic, and finally admitted a few years ago that he doesn't beleive. Uu would be perfect for you. Uua.org is the website.

[AngelaS]

Our church is our community. Almost all my closest friends attend my church and we see them mulitple times a week at church functions.

Yes, not everyone believes exactly the same thing. My dh and the pastor have a very different view on the end times, but they agree on other major theological issues that both consider more important, so it all works. :)

[kedss]

I would go, just for the community, maybe do some volunteering, take classes if offered, get to know people. I did that in my 20s, and it really helped me, I was raised without religion, and in my 20s, I felt I was missing something, and I found a community that really helped me discover things about myself, even if I didn't 'believe' in a certain dogma, I was welcomed to explore. It was a UU church, but perhaps you can find a similar Korean church, or perhaps a UU church with a large Korean community?

[brittone2]

DH and I are considering joining a UU church. We have considered it for years but we really have that desire for community. I love UU's focus on social justice, etc. Our two closest UU congregations are each about 30 mins away, unfortunately.

We have also considered a Quaker/Friends congregation.

[khalloc]

I dont go to Church. I was brought up Catholic though and went regularly as a child until I left the house to go off to college.

I really dont understand why you would go to church if you dont believe. You could volunteer or do any number of other useful things that would be better use of your time than sitting in church for 60 minutes every Sunday.

So I would do another community activity if I were you. I was never very fond of spending my Sunday morning at church though.

[JBaxter]

I dont go to Church. I was brought up Catholic though and went regularly as a child until I left the house to go off to college.

I really dont understand why you would go to church if you dont believe. You could volunteer or do any number of other useful things that would be better use of your time than sitting in church for 60 minutes every Sunday.

So I would do another community activity if I were you. I was never very fond of spending my Sunday morning at church though.

This is also my opinion. I go to church at least once a week. I can say I have not run into anyone I would remotely think was a non believer in God and in our church that Jesus was the Savior and died for our sins. If they exist in our congregation they hid it well. I attend the church I do because of like believers. Not that I ( we) would not welcome a non believer to the services in order to try to change their views. I would have issues with a non believer teaching my sons Sunday School classes doing nursery help or teaching them in other venues ( vacation bible school, AWANA, childrens choir) we use those to teach the word of God.

[lizzywednesday]

I have trouble on a personal, ethical level attending a service just to have a community.

I too miss the community of my (Catholic) parish "back home," but I've found more and more reasons to break with organized religion in general as I grow older.

There's a lovely church (Presbyterian) just down the road with a wonderful, active and social community. But I just can't bring myself to attend regularly.

What's stopped me from attending services regularly has been mostly related to my 3rd grade religion class's definition of prayer as something that should come from your whole heart, soul and mind. I find that I really can't do that, so attending services, for me, is hypocritical.

I count lay ministers (Catholic), ordained ministers (Protestant), music ministers, agnostics and atheists among my many cherished friends. It brings some very interesting perspective to my life when I need it!

I'm not an atheist or an agnostic; I have faith in the universe and am continually awed by its workings. But I am not religious and don't want to pretend to be, so I'd rather not attend services or join a church.

Are there cultural organizations in your area that might give you that sense of community you 're missing without adding religion to it? It might be helpful to start there.

[Ceepa]

I also wonder if volunteering in a nonreligious setting would give you a sense of community and activism. It sounds like you want to reconnect with a Korean community but don't want to pretend you believe in the tenets of the religious community. Are there groups in your area that are more culture based?

[lowrioh]

DH and I are considering joining a UU church. We have considered it for years but we really have that desire for community. I love UU's focus on social justice, etc. Our two closest UU congregations are each about 30 mins away, unfortunately.

We have also considered a Quaker/Friends congregation.

:yeahthat:
That is us exactly. If the church was closer we would already go.

[mypa]

Regardless of what your motives/beliefs, a church should welcome you and be free and open to questions/discussions. You shouldn't even feel the need to hide that you are a non-believer, you can make up your own mind, ask you own questions. I found this to be refreshing as an adult seeking out a church.

However, having grown up in a Korean church as a kid, I know that in the culture there is a lot of peer preassure to conform, so in this case I may not say anything about my beliefs until I get a better sense of the community.

[longtallsally05]

I think it's a good bet that there will be quite a few people, like me, who attend church as go-along-to-get-along spouses of people who are religious. I was pretty involved in our last church community. DD & DS attended the church-run preschool & MMO programs. In the end, our church network ended up being the foundation for most of my friendships. I miss it, actually. I would go church shopping, but we have to stick to DH's denomination, and I've agreed to bring up our children in his faith tradtion, so I don't have as many options as you do, OP. Shop around; you just might find something you like!

[tiapam]

Do you live near Chicago? If so, you might check out:

http://ethicalhuman.org/

I am a lapsed Catholic but can't quite bring myself to break totally from the church. I feel like it is one of the only lasting ties I have to not just my parents, but my grandparents as well. My GP's generation literally and financially built the Catholic churches around here. I was married in the same church as my parents. Ultimately, in the worst of times, I do find myself praying to Somebody, so I do believe. If not, the above would definitely appeal to me. I don't know anything about it, just remember seeing an ad, I think in Chicago Parent.

[s7714]

I look longingly at the community aspect many churches offer, but I can not justify going against my own views. I don't believe and would just feel like a huge hypocrite if I did attend.

I have looked into local UU churches, but none are close enough that I'd willingly make the effort to go.

[wellyes]

I just posted a topic about this last week! I am currently shopping local UU churches.

I would not be comfortable becoming a member of a congregation if I didn't believe. What's wonderful about UU is that having questions means you are at the heart of the church, instead of on the outskirts.

[AnnieW625]

I am Catholic and I am sure there are people who don't believe, but that doesn't take away from the service for me because people go to church for very different reasons. I do think because other denominations believe that every person who wants to be saved and go to heaven is a believer so because of that belief if you attend a denomination like that then I think that most people who attend will think you are a believer.

[eagle]

thanks all for your opinions and encouragement!

ive got some things to chew over... i just wanted to know what some people thought...

im still not sure what im going to do though. thank you all again!

[Uno-Mom]

Hey Eagle - I haven't read all the replies so maybe someone's already said this, but there were a couple things I wanted to share. I hope they're helpful!

1. I'd be real cautious since the decision indirectly involves your DH and (directly?) involves any kiddo you bring to church with you. It sounds like it would be hard for DH to feel positively about all that. And, if kids get involved with a church, they tend to BELIEVE passionately, at least at some point in the process. That could get way more complicated within your family than you expect.

2. I do "believe," sort of. It varies for me. Personally, I would have no bad feelings if a church friend disclosed that they didn't really believe. But for me, I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting in a pew secretely disbelieving everything the church teaches about salvation, etc. That is... if it's a church that teaches you must intellectually assent, "buy in" to all or most of the teaching points.

Not all churches teach that way, though. And it isn't just UU congregations that welcome questioning or non-belief. DH and I have chosen a church that embraces diversity big-time. It's built into the teaching that it's ok for people to question and believe differently about things. And it's ok for non-believers to participate in our communities. If it were me, I'd ask to sit down with the pastor/priest/whatever-title and be up front about things. Your position sounds really respectful and honest to me. I know you'd be welcome in my church! :)

[kijip]

I don't rightly know that some of the priests and ministers I have met believe.

I don't think that a certain interpretation of a belief set is the only valid approach and I would never ever again go near a church that does not allow for other beliefs to be considered as valid as their own. Just not my style at all. I suppose I would be an ideal UU but as a cradle Catholic who left the Catholic church, I have ironically enough found an amazing community of open and affirming (read: do not use religion as an excuse to hate anyone or call homosexuality a sin) American Baptists and that is where we go. While we know many wonderful Catholics and Catholic communities who are tolerant, the rising tide of political action and the fundamentally opposed (to my own) values on women and sexuality just made it impossible for me to support it and contribute any longer. The minister at the Baptist church, a partnered gay man, is unquestionably the most helpful religious leader in my entire life. I can not express enough the clarity and peace he has helped me find.

I do think that there may be a church home for you but I would look for one that encompasses your values and beliefs rather than pretending to hold beliefs that you do not.

And while my kid is a true atheist to his core (despite our church going first to a Catholic church and then to a Baptist one) I agree with the PP who said to be careful what you expose your kids to. I would not want my little kid to absorb much of what is passing in parts of Christianity these days- individualism at the sake of community, consumerism, homophobia, political agendas, prosperity gospel etc.

[wellyes]

I am church shopping, and one thing I've found is that most places have podcasts of sermons. I'm not talking about mega-churches either, we're talking 100-250 member congregations. I don't think you can wholly pick a church based on what you find on its website, but it is surely a good way to rule one out. And I've actually really enjoyed a couple I listened to. Last night while I had a touch of insomnia I listened to a sermon about whether conscience should be individual or collective. After 10+ years together I am loving the idea of me & DH taking an hour out of our week to meditate on questions like this.