Updated: Peer Pressure - Clothing issues

[lovin2shop]

Updated in post #24

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So, how do you handle the peer pressure, specifically when it comes to clothing? My DS has informed me that it is only acceptable for boys to wear track pants and a sports T shirt to school. Well, we happen to be running low on these items due to a recent growth spurt, and I've already purchased his winter wardrobe which does not really include these items. He was quite pleased with these clothes when I bought them during back to school sales.

This morning I sent him in a dark brown and blue striped hoodie sweatshirt and brown pants. He said that he would be "completely humiliated" to be seen in it and had stripped down to his football T shirt underneath before he even reached the door at school. Okay, I can get that dressing up for boys might not be cool, but seriously how can a plain hoodie sweatshirt be humiliating? The pants didn't seem to be as much of an issue.

This is kind of a sensitive topic for me, as growing up, my clothes were always terrible! My parents did not have the money or time, and didn't really so much about my appearance at school. So, the ironic thing is that I really try to buy my DS really nice quality clothes. I don't mind the track pants and T's on PE days, but it seems very sloppy for everyday wear.

So, should I give in and go by a bunch of sporty stuff just to appease him? How would you handle this? I tried talking to him this morning about self confidence type issues, that being a good person and friend will get you much farther than worrying about appearances, etc. But, he clearly didn't care what I said about any of that. It would not be a financial strain to get him what he wants (and he does need at least one or two pair of active pants), but it's not the message that I want to send. DH thinks I'm making it too big an issue, and that I should just the kid clothes that he wants to wear.

Opinions, advice?

[megs4413]

I'm having the same problem only with a girl, so trade in track
Pants for jeans and sports tees for "monster high stuff" and I could have written your post. I will be watching this topic. It's been a total nightmare at my house.

[pinkmomagain]

I would get him clothes that he feels comfortable wearing to school. Use the other clothes you got him for weekends.

I don't have boys, but have friends who do, and have heard similar stories to yours. I was surprised to hear boys have opinions about clothes! My opinion is that kids that age are just trying to fit in and not stand out. He's not asking for the most expensive sneakers or designer jeans...if you can afford to get some extra track pants, etc. I would.

[s7714]

I admit I'd probably just take him shopping to buy some new things.

That's one of the reasons I've started holding off on getting the majority of my DDs' wardrobes until school has started and we can see how peers are dressing.

[Katigre]

He's at the age (10) where you stop buying him clothes and instead start teaching him how to buy clothes. Go with him, have a set budget, make a plan of what he needs for each kind of outfit/occasion.

[wellyes]

I don't see any harm in letting him decide what to wear. It's not really peer pressure -- in my mind, peer pressure is doing something harmful or negative based on social pressure. Wearing what your friends wear, so long as it isn't skimpy or uber-expensive, isn't negative or harmful.
It would not be a financial strain to get him what he wants (and he does need at least one or two pair of active pants), but it's not the message that I want to send. DH thinks I'm making it too big an issue, and that I should just the kid clothes that he wants to wear. What message do you want to send? It sounds to me just unfortunate that the clothes you bought don't appeal to him / his crowd right now. But making him wear clothes that make him feel uncomfortable - I don't see what that teaches him. If you main concern is to avoid peer pressure, I'd think that would invovle encouraging him to follow his own drummer, not his mom's fashion sense.

[sste]

Well, I tend to think in all things moderation.

Why don't you buy him two new outfits of the kind he now wants. Tell him if he wants more clothes than the two outfits you are buying you will give him some opportunities to do things around the house to earn extra money and then will take him to buy them with his money.

[egoldber]

Last year (4th grade) was the first year older DD definitely had VERY strong opinions on what to wear. I now have to take her clothes shopping to pick out things she wants to wear. It's not that what she wants is expensive, it's just she wants to dress like her peers and in what makes her feel good about herself and her body.

I would just let him pick out a few new outfits.

[lovin2shop]

I don't see any harm in letting him decide what to wear. It's not really peer pressure -- in my mind, peer pressure is doing something harmful or negative based on social pressure. Wearing what your friends wear, so long as it isn't skimpy or uber-expensive, isn't negative or harmful. What message do you want to send? It sounds to me just unfortunate that the clothes you bought don't appeal to him / his crowd right now. But making him wear clothes that make him feel uncomfortable - I don't see what that teaches him. If you main concern is to avoid peer pressure, I'd think that would invovle encouraging him to follow his own drummer, not his mom's fashion sense.

To clarify, he did pick out all of the clothes that we bought. And, he was very happy at the time, so I do feel that he is just wanting to conform to what everyone else is doing. And, for clothes, it's not a huge deal to me, but I am concerned that this leads to accepting peer pressure in other negative ways.

[jren]

I'd probably buy the clothes, since they're not objectionable and can be bought pretty inexpensively. Or, you could make him do something to make money/save to buy the extra clothes (except for the 2 or 3 you'd have bought anyway). We did this for DD's feather that she wanted in her hair, b/c EVERYONE else had one. It didn't take long for her to decide that she didn't really need that feather after all.

[Green_Tea]

I agree with the PPs who said that it sounds like he just wants to fit in. I remember that feeling so well, and also as the feeling of being tremendously self conscious and preoccupied when I felt I wasn't dressed like the rest of my peers. It was a big distraction for me at that age. Track pants and Ts do seem to be the norm for boys these days (at least they are in my DD's 3rd grade class.) I think they look casual, but not sloppy. I don't think they're offensive or inappropriate. Not a hill to die on, IMO.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Thank goodness for uniforms!!!

I would buy some new of these items. Possibly return some of the new items so you can exchange them. I wouldn't buy a ton of the track pant look because kids are fickle and the trend could change!

eta- I wouldn't fight this fight over the concern of peer pressure and where it could lead. I don't think it's a sign that he'll have issues on bigger stuff.

Beth

[almostmom]

My DS also will only wear track pants (I never heard them called that, but it totally makes sense) to school. Or jeans sometimes now, but last year, only track pants. At this age, as you figure out how to fit in, and where you want to be and how to act. I think it's ok to have an opinion. Not so much peer pressure IMO, as seeing others and their choices, and then making your own to be a part of the trend. I definitely see some kids going to school in different clothes, but my DS likes the feel and look of these pants. And likely, his sporty friends wear them too. If it was short shorts and a halter top, I'd step in and say no. But these are useful and comfortable, so I'd go buy a few more of them and have him feel comfortable at school.

Kohls and TJMaxx have these for a reasonable cost usually.

[s7714]

He's at the age (10) where you stop buying him clothes and instead start teaching him how to buy clothes. Go with him, have a set budget, make a plan of what he needs for each kind of outfit/occasion.

:yeahthat:
My MIL started doing the same thing with her three DSs when they started having opinions about their clothing. She gave them a certain $ amount and they had to make it work. She would give them a list of requirements, like you have to buy 2 pants, 2 nice shirts, etc. but style and all was up to them. (Basics like undies and socks were covered by MIL and therefore not included in their budget.)

[karstmama]

i've heard of mothers of (older, but still) dc's who made a bargain - you can wear what you want within the parameters of school rules and decency, but when we're going out to eat or to church or have pictures made or to something with mama's friends, you'll wear something i like without whining or lip. seemed like a good deal to me - 80% what they want but the 20% is 'when it counts'.

so get him a few more track pants, but expect something else for nicer occasions.

[brittone2]

I'd probably be open to buying some track pants, but I'd be spending a lot of time talking in an open ended way about peer pressure. What would happen if you (or another child) didn't wear track pants? How do you think the kid who didn't wear the track pants would feel? What do you think about that? and so on.

[ha98ed14]

To clarify, he did pick out all of the clothes that we bought. And, he was very happy at the time, so I do feel that he is just wanting to conform to what everyone else is doing. And, for clothes, it's not a huge deal to me, but I am concerned that this leads to accepting peer pressure in other negative ways.

I hear you. I do not think that just because he wants to dress like his peers, that it means he will do drugs or have sex when others are too. That is a real leap IMO especially if the parental message he is getting is "We don't do drugs or have sex while in high school."

I would be more concerned that if you go buy him new clothes to replace the ones you just bought, he will think that in two or three months from now, when fashions have changed, you will do it again.

I agree with the "Everything in moderation" PP. IIWY, I would go buy the pair(s) of athletic pants that he really does need replaced. I would buy one additional pair for "Wear one wash one"/ backup. Then I would put the rest on him. If he wants more pants or T-shirts, he needs to come up with a way to contribute towards it. Otherwise, I think you set the precedent that you are willing to put out for whatever the latest craze is.

I imagine it will be worse with girls, but the feather in the hair thing has hit big here. I have no idea what I would do if DD wanted that, but I know it would not be to say "Sure honey, here's $30. Have at!"

[ccather]

We went through s similar thing earlier in the year. DS said the kids made fun of him for his Disney shirts and said they were babyish. He still liked the stuff an chooses to wear those shirts on weekends and for pjs. I picked some fun and some plain ones for him to wear and he was happy. Very little of his fall wardrobe fit as well and I went shopping with him to get his input. I look at it two ways....he's 8 and is developing a sense of self, I don't see anything wrong with encouraging his style (as long as it's within reason!) and if it helps to have clothes that help him fit in and let him focus on his school work, then that's fine by me too.

Athletic pants and t shirts are the norm for boys in our school. We have pe 3 days a week and he runs...well..like a boy...at recess. It just makes sense for him to be comfy.

[ha98ed14]

My DS also will only wear track pants (I never heard them called that, but it totally makes sense) to school. Or jeans sometimes now, but last year, only track pants. At this age, as you figure out how to fit in, and where you want to be and how to act. I think it's ok to have an opinion. Not so much peer pressure IMO, as seeing others and their choices, and then making your own to be a part of the trend. I definitely see some kids going to school in different clothes, but my DS likes the feel and look of these pants. And likely, his sporty friends wear them too. If it was short shorts and a halter top, I'd step in and say no. But these are useful and comfortable, so I'd go buy a few more of them and have him feel comfortable at school.

Kohls and TJMaxx have these for a reasonable cost usually.

I have a question. Is it any kind of track pants or a specific brand of athletic wear? I'm asking because DD came home from preschool and told me that a girl in her class told her that they did not like her Twinkle Toes because they did not light up and because the sparkles on the toes were not so sparkly anymore. This girl also has 2 older sisters who are 10 and she has also taught DD about saying "I was right!" and "DUH?!?" I would be ok if this little girl didn't become DD's new BFF, but I think that ship has sailed. Ugh.

[maestramommy]

I have a question. Is it any kind of track pants or a specific brand of athletic wear? I'm asking because DD came home from preschool and told me that a girl in her class told her that they did not like her Twinkle Toes because they did not light up and because the sparkles on the toes were not so sparkly anymore.


Good grief, your DD is 4, so she's in pre-k right? I cannot imagine hearing this kind of stuff from 4yos. Ugh. :hug5:

[niccig]

I would be more concerned that if you go buy him new clothes to replace the ones you just bought, he will think that in two or three months from now, when fashions have changed, you will do it again.

I agree with the "Everything in moderation" PP. IIWY, I would go buy the pair(s) of athletic pants that he really does need replaced. I would buy one additional pair for "Wear one wash one"/ backup. Then I would put the rest on him. If he wants more pants or T-shirts, he needs to come up with a way to contribute towards it. Otherwise, I think you set the precedent that you are willing to put out for whatever the latest craze is.


I like this idea. He's already had input on his clothes, and now his changing his mind. Well, money and clothes don't grow on trees. I would get what you were planning to get and he can wear those. Anything more, well it's the holidays soon and maybe he can get a few more then.

I do think it's trying to fit in. Maybe you could also check what happens if he doesn't wear the clothes like other boys. Is he getting teased over it, or is his desire to look like the others?

My DS will only wear jeans and for t-shirts it's either the free shirts from camp, soccer jersey's from the last few teams or tye dye t-shirts he made at camp. I bought very few extra t-shirts for him this Fall as he just won't wear them. I so wish for a school uniform

Does your DS choose his clothes in the morning? We let DS choose - we do get to say if shorts or jeans depending on the weather, but he gets to choose the pants, shirt etc. We get some weird outfits, but he's happy and gets dressed without a fight.

[elephantmeg]

wow, that's hard. I too had terrible clothes growing up and was teased mercilessly in 6th grade for it. And no options to change them. But since he picked them out with you I would explain that
a) you have BTDT and so you understand and thus you will buy say 2 sets of it.
b) if he wants more than that he can work for them
c) you will not be doing this again (no more wardrobe do-overs in 4 months!)

[Cam&Clay]

When DS1 was that age, he only wore track pants and t-shirts with a hoodie over them if it was cold out. That is it. No jeans. No sweatpants. No sweaters. No polos. No rugby shirts. No jacket.

I fought it for a while and then gave in. He wanted to dress like the others and it made him feel more comfortable. Fast forward to age 13, and he wears really nice jeans, plaid shorts, collared shirts, sweaters, all the nice stuff I wanted him to wear before. They all go through phases, and since he wasn't asking for tattoos and chains, I just went with it.

[lovin2shop]

Thanks all, just a quick update that when I picked him up from school yesterday it didn't seem to be such a big issue at all anymore. Funny, I think some of his friends had to dig through "other" clothes for the changing weather also! I noticed that several of his friends were wearing something very similar to what he had on yesterday (sweatshirt and heavier pants).

Anyway, I had definitely planned to get him some of the pants and T's that he wants because he did need some of this for sports practices, but I just didn't want to run out and buy a whole new wardrobe just because it was the new big thing. And, I totally get wanting to be comfortable, both from a physical standpoint and a social standpoint, but I think he has to work within some limits as well.

I'm definitely going to take the suggestion of giving him a budget and letting him figure out how to work within it. Also, I'm going to give him the responsibility of making sure that the clothes that he wants to wear are clean and ready to go for the next day or he has to make do without complaining.

Thanks again for all the advice, as I'm sure this issue could come up again.

[longtallsally05]

[QUOTE=lovin2shop;3302336]I'm definitely going to take the suggestion of giving him a budget and letting him figure out how to work within it. Also, I'm going to give him the responsibility of making sure that the clothes that he wants to wear are clean and ready to go for the next day or he has to make do without complaining. QUOTE]

Sounds like a great idea and one I'm filing away for future reference. I'm sure the day will come when I hear similar complaints from DD. Maybe you can take your DS to Wal-Mart/Target and Penneys/Sears (good places for track/sweat pants & tee shirts) so he can see how far his budget will take him. He might adjust his expectations about what he wants to wear and how many items he expects to have in his wardrobe. He'll probably have sticker shock if he compares brand name items (Nike, Adidas) in department stores with generic stuff @ Wal-Mart etc. As for pricing, I just bought DD some Starter brand track pants and coordinating 3/4 zip fleece pullover from the boys section (we were looking for stuff to wear to soccer games/practice) @ Wal-Mart for $8 per piece. I think they're pretty cute but not super expensive.

[hillview]

FWIW DS1 is 6 and in class with 6-8 year olds and suddenly half his shirts are not ok to wear (some pants too). It is not explainable to mom he just KNOWS what he cannot wear. I did go get him about 10 new shirts. In part because really I didn't let him pick out what I got him before. In part because I wanted him to fit in (he struggles at times). In part because I didn't have new shirts (the shirts he was rejecting we all from last year). Also DS2 will likely wear them. DS1 wears the uncool stuff on weekends (he actually seems to LIKE them just doesn't want to wear them to school). I let it go. He didn't ask specifically for a brand. We got a bunch of shirts at the Gap on sale.

[LexyLou]

Honestly, I get it.

Do I want my kids to cave to peer pressure and be followers? No.

But I understand the need/desire to fit in and wear what the others are wearing.

I personally really care about the way I dress and wearing fashionable clothing so yes, if my kid asked for something particular, I would probably buy it and yes, if in 3-4 months she said something else was popular, I would probably buy it too. Of course, as long as we financially can afford it and the clothes are within reason. I mean if she's asking for designer duds, well then we need to do some talking and she needs to do some buying with her own money.

[MoJo]

I'm asking because DD came home from preschool and told me that a girl in her class told her that they did not like her Twinkle Toes because they did not light up and because the sparkles on the toes were not so sparkly anymore.

My three-year-old came home from preschool telling me she needed to wear jeans, because A told her so. She said she couldn't wear leggings (her usual go-to) etc. Problem is, regular jeans never fit her, and the inside buttons on the adjustable-waist varieties bother her after a few hours. She tried wearing them a couple of days, and the regular jeans were falling down when she tried to play and she couldn't sleep in the adjustables.

Then one day I spent more time at drop off. . . and met A . . . who was wearing. . . leggings! Once I pointed that out, the lack of jeans is no longer an issue.

She also tells me what she needs to wear on which days. . . and when I went on the class field trip, all four girls had were wearing jackets in the same color of bright pink.

I am worried that when she grows into her next-size-up princess gym shoe, there will be issues because they don't have the flashing lights.